[Still Half full]

I've just had an insight into hiding / vanisher, I'll post the details on my thread but he has said he thinks about me every day, he suffers with guilt constantly, but he can't cope with how I see him now, so pretty much what Nah said

I don't know how I feel, I'm happy that he hasn't completely forgotten me, because that's how it feels when they pretend you don't exist, but it's just so frustrating, why can't they man up ??!!!!???  Oh that's right, because they don't have to !  ow doesn't see them like that and having some pathetic affair down looking at you with admiration is preferable to dealing with the hurt they've caused to someone who truly loved them  - argggghhhhhhh !!!

[nah]

I love this, SHF.

Yes, I get it.  When they give us crumbs it is so crazy confusing. 

So now mine, yours, and Treasur's MLCers gave us a small window into their thoughts.

Yes they think of us, of course they think us, unless they have complete amnesia, they can pretend but of course they think of us.

I did the same as you.  At the 2 1/2 year mark I "mistakenly" called him.  No contact = no relationship and that is not what I wanted.  He opened up to me and then disappeared again but, it was something.

I believe Vanishers need to be treated differently than the clingers/ boomerangs/ wallowers,... they are a different breed, that why we have our own thread.

Yes they need space, they need a crazy amount of space BUT.... most of them will not contact us so they hide.  I believe it's up to us (if we want) to contact them.  Not often, but once in a while can be beneficial. 

What's the worse that can happen?  They ignore us? 

[Treasur]

My musings on On-Off/Vanishers FWIW...think it's a combo of a couple of things really. Shame. Agency. Forgiveness.

It's so easy to feel erased by a Vanisher and assume they don't think about us at all. Now, I think it might be the exact opposite...but they feel so ashamed that it hurts to see/talk to us. Now, post-watchgate, I know that my H thinks of me every day...sad.

I also think my H has no 'mental template' for forgiveness...I think it is almost beyond him to 'get' that others might see it differently. I am quite sure my H thinks he is unforgivable as a person, all solid FOO stuff, and finds the idea that you can love a person and hate their actions quite incomprehensible.

I think my H has always struggled with the idea of agency, of his right to choose actions even if others don't agree, and accept the consequences. For him, there's an underlying issue about being a 'man', I think.

I don't share his POV on any of these three things. Never have, but then I have always believed that I am good enough even I mess up. The sad thing with a Vanisher - ignoring the M/us issue - is that they really can't recover until they find the courage for themselves to step up and look at this stuff. No amount of us saying 'it will be ok' matters. They have to decide to try to see if it can be ok because they need/want to. And if they don't? They will stay broken. It is a bit like watching an addict really...

[MsMedfly]

Like the idea that  I made this choice, regardless of how awful, dumb, stupid, or hurtful, I'm going to make it, stick to it, and then hide when I realize it was the stupidest thing ever to do??

Only while in hibernation, they realize they can't come out of hiding because of how it will "look"... It seems like they care more about the appearance of who they "should" be than the person they actually are...

Puffy's new motto is "all life is suffering and depressing".... and we should just all accept it...

Nope, sorry MLCer, that's really not the reality of life..

Puffy would say things like "my perception is reality"... His perception is seriously jacked up!!!

[bluerose]

      You ladies have a wonderful knack for wording your points so wonderfully.

[CallingHeart]

Agree whole heartedly with the musing thoughts about Vanishers. 

Agree the ghost must have feel / live in Shame.  If he wasn’t ashamed of his actions, he would not have cut himself off even from his own FOO.   Shame is an interesting concept that differs from Regret.  Shame is about him.   Regret would be about me somehow – about what he lost, which goes beyond the center of his universe (ie: HIM).  So I think if or until Regret comes into play, my ghost will stay gone.

Agree with the ghost “feeling of being unforgiveable”.   He even had once told me before we got married that he had done something (private) and God would never forgive him.  I know he carries that mindset.  I remember asking him 2 weeks after BD if he would forgive me, and he reluctantly said “yes” but I don’t think he can truly frame forgiveness for someone else, unless he could possibly forgive himself.

In my opinion, my ghost took the most incredibly stupid course of action. He left, he shut himself off from anyone close to him, he went into a cave, and when he surfaced 1 year later to divorce me, he just wanted the paper signed. In some small way, that’s the one thing I can respect of him, despite the fact he didn’t do that for me in any way.  Well, actually 2.  He left the dog behind (thank God!) and he just cut me out of his life as simply as he possibly could.  I remember doing the “math” after he left and keeping track of all the finances.  He left me with some pretty stout bills, but in the end, all I had to do was sign his stupid divorce paper and I was awarded community property assets. Looking at that, it’s just stupid to me, but we obviously have completely different ways of looking at fair and just. That might relate back to the Shame and all his actions come full circle.

Oh how I cried when I felt “deleted” by him.  I’m so glad I’ve gotten past that pain.  I did recognize recently that there will always be a sliver of sorrow in my life.  It’s like a thorn embedded in my finger that I can’t get out. 

Agree I have to reach out on occasion.  I called - no answer.  I then sent a short email wishing him a happy 2018 and hope that all his dreams come true    
You're right.  what can he possibly do to me, ignore me?  Oh... he did

[If_only]

So reading this thread - I’m wondering on if your husband is a ‘ vanisher’ And you want to try to keep the return road open - would it not be best to try to keep him engaged with regular contact even if he lives with the OW?  Even if he doesn’t respond much?  Do you see that as annoying to him or you pressuring  him? I am asking for advice as I notice the longer I don’t contact my h, the easier it seems for him to forget me and actually his adult kids.  You know sometimes I do think there is Shame  involved but not regret.  I just find myself wondering if I don’t contact - will that make it easier for him to just stay away and never come back? That’s how it seems to be going without a thought of our 40 years together.  I would like anyone’s opinions on this as I keep struggling with detaching.  It is easier to detach with a vanisher but is it too easy for them then? Hugs: If

[mapippa]

if only , I am so struggling with that too? advice would be so much appreciated!xxx

[Tyks]

Ifonly, if you can handle contact, ie, you are not a puddle on the floor after contact and if you have no expectations of him answering then you should contact him when you feel like it. Small peridoic contact.


I am a firm believer that reconnection cannot haopen unless there is some sort of contact to keep your connection going. My h was out of sight out mind but I could not handle contact, still cant. I was a mess for days after.

But you have to do what works for you and keep in mind what your ultimate goal is

[stillbaffled]

I gave mine space and left him alone.  Partly because it hurt too much and I was such a mess the first year that I went on anti-depressants.   Very limited contact.  He still has stuff here and the fabulous pole building to dismantle so I will have contact with him at some point in the future. 

I believe mine lives in a huge cave of guilt.  I think he might always.  I don't think he has the strength to work his way out. 

I think each person must do what they think is right for them, their MLCer, and their situation.  I didn't look at it as seeing what others did.  I did what I could live with and cope with.