[1trouble]

I have never posted on this thread but I am in this category as my H would have been a vanisher if I hadn't been the one who contacted him so I wanted to respond to the question If only posted...

I don't know IF only's story but would give this advise

Don't expect much in the beginning they are manic and on a high but as time passes then....

Only contact them when you have a reason if possible
Keep any communication non emotive and to the point but not dismissive or uncaring, don't guilt them
and keep it light hearted if possible, don't appear too eager (in MLC its seen as pressure) 
Don't let more than 2-3 months go by without any contact

If they start to respond to your contact then don't respond immediately leave it a few hours (maybe a day if it gets regular)
and then respond...
If they don't respond.......then go back to point one and leave it a couple of months before you contact them again or until you need to contact them...

But as SB said you have to do what's right for you in the end...go with your instincts and your knowledge and history
AND as TYKS said do it without expectation...which is the hardest part

And be prepared for the cycling and the disappointment which may follow a period of regular contact and then nothing at all.
This is one of the hardest things to cope with.




 

[If_only]

I’ll have to think about this.  I do worry I may not be able to handle contact. But until
I started no contact - we had contact and then I did NC because of sonething I read to get your ex back - not MLC as I didn’t understand that at the time.  But the 30 day NC seemed to work opposite and he seemed to like the NC - less blame, less guilt, less Shame so now he never contacts st all.  The few contacts we did in person -  all I did was cry and beg and ask was he sure?  I think had I known  more - I wouldn’t have asked someone  acting crazy if they are sure? How would he know if he is in crisis and in love with someone else? I think I need to pull off some serious acting to get anywhere here and have patience.  I do know I am not dealing with my husband but some one who is his opposite.  If he asks me anything about myself(which isn’t likely)should I answer honestly or pretend everything is great! Lol thanks for your help.  I have to read some important threads now!  Hugs. IF

[Rising Phoenix]

I had a clinging boomerang for 3 yrs but now a vanisher. With regard to contact I have tried to contact in regards to the children with no response other than divorce papers.
I have now given up contact as he doesn’t even contact his children either.

H has not seen his children for 6 mths. That was the most hurtful for me. That he wouldn’t even respond when I needed help with our autistic son.

You must do what is right for you but for me the no response was worse than no contacting him at all. Xx

[Milly]

If only, you ask the question we all wish we knew the answer to. I can only tell you my experience with my H. He was a boomerang then vanisher then clinging boomerang then vanisher then we had a reconnection then vanisher for the last year. If it weren't for my S, we would probably have no contact at all.

During his vanishing moments, if I didn't contact him, he would not contact me ever. When I do contact him, usually to ask him for some help for practical stuff, he then sends me back tons of emails. So my impression is that he doesn't contact me because he's scared of me. I think vanishers are ashamed. They know what they did was really bad, that they themselves would have judged someone who did what they did as bad. It's still just guilt, thinking of themselves and how they appear to others, maybe some shame when facing people they feel judged by, but that's easy to fix in their heads: just stay away from these people. So I guess the more shame they feel, the more they stay away.

A very good friend of mine from childhood is a doctor and her H went through a MLC. He was a wollower with no OW. She knew about MLC because she had studied it during her medical course, you see they do know about it, so she probably made fewer mistakes than we did. She had very strong boundaries and enforced them. They were boundaries about treatment of the kids and not selling the family home. She wasn't scared to tell him what she wanted. She was never rude though and never screamed.

She always stressed to me the importance of maintaining contact. She forced her H to phone on the house phone once a week to speak to their boys (he had up and left the country to work on another continent, didn't see the boys for 6 months), and every Saturday, she would answer the phone herself and just say hello how are you doing.

She says we must keep the communication line open if we want to get back together. She told me she had no expectations of him coming back, had no idea if he would, he was nasty monster, but he did go back, and they have been very happy since he woke up. His awakening was sudden, and once he came out of the fog, that's how he described it, he said he couldn't even remember why he'd wanted to leave in the first place. So you see, some do come back.

Since you seem to want to have some contact with your H, I would suggest as others have, a little email every couple of months. No pressure, no emotions, no relationship stuff even if he drags the conversation that way. It would be best if there were a real reason to communicate like if you needed some information from him, and then keep it brief.

You really can't make it worse. Do want you want to do, just don't judge them. They have a knack for triggering us and then we can get all accusatory on them, it doesn't work, actually that is when we do make things worse. Just don't be too sweet or too cold. Think of a work email. Polite. Good luck.

[bluerose]

         My bd was 3 years ago. He started out as a boomarang possibly clinging. He stayed that way for 8 months. Then he moved his ow up to live with him. Very minimal contact with me and the kids. 8 months after the very little contact, i got a text from him saying that we needed to talk face to face to talk about finances and kids. Up to this point he did not help financially at all. I agreed to talk and he came right away. He did not talk about money or kids. He told me that he missed me, had regrets, couldnt stop thinking about me, he missed me, couldnt get my face out of his head, wasnt happy, didnt desire the ow, wanted to work on the marriage, would have no problem shipping her back home and breaking all contact, couldnt stand her kid and that sometimes you have to go through the bad to get to the good. We slept together.  For a whole month he very half heartedly "tried".
   After that he abandoned us all completely. He blamed me. My son told his ow about him cheating on her. Since then i have had barely any contact. He attacked me in june,verbally, at the court house saying" Your only acting this way because you cant have me". The last text i got was in August. I never answered. We have 3 children and do not communicate at all. He chooses to go through the youngest.
       I dont think it really matters if there is contact or not
 If its meant to be, it will happen.
     
   

[Still Half full]

I love this, SHF.

Yes, I get it.  When they give us crumbs it is so crazy confusing. 

So now mine, yours, and Treasur's MLCers gave us a small window into their thoughts.

Yes they think of us, of course they think us, unless they have complete amnesia, they can pretend but of course they think of us.

I did the same as you.  At the 2 1/2 year mark I "mistakenly" called him.  No contact = no relationship and that is not what I wanted.  He opened up to me and then disappeared again but, it was something.

I believe Vanishers need to be treated differently than the clingers/ boomerangs/ wallowers,... they are a different breed, that why we have our own thread.

Yes they need space, they need a crazy amount of space BUT.... most of them will not contact us so they hide.  I believe it's up to us (if we want) to contact them.  Not often, but once in a while can be beneficial. 

What's the worse that can happen?  They ignore us?

I agree Nah, I have been very brave face ( mainly 😉 ) since BD and never asked him to come back. I've posted more detail on my thread about how I was pretty tough

After reading more here, your threads, Treasurs, Denj's and 1Troubles among many others, had made me see that a bit of kindness was sometimes appreciated, so I've been thinking about contacting him like this for a while. A few birthday G&ts gave me the nudge I needed 😄

I didn't expect a reply, I didn't ask any questions, it was just a 'I'm still glad I married you' vibe. So him replying so nicely is a bonus, but I don't expect it to continue



I agree that pride and being admired also plays a big part in the vanishers mindset, along with the overwhelming guilt and shame, he actually said that he's still the man I knew and not an unfeeling +*^€.  I did say I couldn't understand how he could pretend I don't exist, so I think that might have hit a nerve

With regards to contacting, I think you need to do what feels right for you and what you can cope with. It's taken a long time for me to feel like I wanted to lower my guard and I really didn't expect a reply, I was prepared for no reply.

I think you have to protect yourself but you also have to be comfortable with what you do.  You know your partner, your relationship and yourself better than anyone else, but getting others opinion can help you see options that you might not have previously considered, that's what has happened to me recently. I read threads where people had reached out and it gave me the confidence to do it. I had become uncomfortable with how I was dealing with things, I felt I was healed enough to lower my guard a little bit, but you have to be prepared for every outcome, I really thought he'd ignore it, I also prepared for an angry reply. This time I got a kind reply but I don't know if that would have happened if I'd sent this sooner, as others say you need to do what feels right for you

None of this is easy, but thankfully we've found this forum where there is such understanding and support, whatever you do someone here has been in the same situation and will offer support. That's why I'm so grateful to HS and everyone here 😊
 

[If_only]

Thanks Everyone for your responses- SHF, Blue, Milly, RP, ITroubke, SB and Tyks.  I see myself in all these stories.  It is such a difficult balancing act! I really appreciate your opinions and options. I should know what is best to do because, like you said, I SHOULD know him better than anyone.  Unfortunately, he is nothing like the person I THOUGHT I knew for over 40 years.  He is quite like everyone of your H’s and I am glad I found this forum because people just don’t know what really goes on in a MLC.  But you all know and it’s nothing good or quick.  I am going to try contact again and try to act as if my heart is not torn up and keep making myself a better person. I will post how it goes.  Thanks: IF

[bluerose]

      Good luck if.

[MsMedfly]

I don't contact the puffer unless he contacts first.. I ask zero questions, unless it's pertaining to our s, then I only ask questions that I already know the answers to. You cannot have a healthy conversation with an unhealthy person...

That being said, I had to be in a place where his reactions, responses, or lack thereof,  no longer hurt me, in anyway. Nothing he says or does will hurt me again, period. It's very easy to do, when you know everything they say is a lie and you finally let go of any and all expectations or assumptions.  Puffy wouldn't tell the truth about what day of the week it is, much less, open up about anything else. I wish I could ask questions, but honestly, with his inability to tell the truth plus he has a very skewed perception of reality, I'm not sure I would ever get honest insight into his thoughts and feelings...

S joined me at school yesterday for lunch. He had a blast hanging out with me and all of my little freshman. He did tell me that the vacuum has been dumped, again. Seems they fight too much and have very different opinions on politics. Um...... Really??? How so?? She's 25, puffy is 47... I can't imagine why???!!! A$$ clown.... He did tell our son, that he and  OW # 1 were madly in love,  this is the one he dumped after leaving me because she lives too far...  Just plain ol' stupidity!!

Find what your are comfortable with... and stick to it.. Do not let your guard or boundaries down... NEVER let them dull or steal your SPARKLE!!

Happy Happy Friday Y'all!!

[Shocked]

I usually don’t have much to say about he’s been incognito for since last July. Well he popped up to visit my younger Daughter and son in law this week in Illinois. My D is struggling right now with her eating disorder and is not in a good place. XH said he was driving thru the area and just wanted to stop by. My D had not responded to him. So he contacted my SIL. He told him it wasn’t a good time. XH then called my other D that he hasn’t seen since July that I am living with saying he knew I wouldn’t want to talk to him but thought someone should know D2 wasn’t doing well in IL. I think he was coming by to appease his mother who probably tell him to stay in contact with my girls. He was their stepdad for 22 years.
He only stayed an hour but I thought you’d all have a thought about this comment my SIL said. “Weird. Just showed up like everything was normal, looked and acted the same as always, very sarcastic. He told me it’s tough living in the same lane of life for so long and I gave him a piece of my mind stating not when you love that person. Shut him up pretty quick”. SIL thought him very deceptive as he has felt that way about him for awhile.
I have to say  the line about the “same lane” stung. Curious what you all think? Do you think your MLCers have the same way of thinking? Still in replay?