…the reality is that most LBSs here will probably not reconcile with their spouses.
But the goal is that through the support and education we offer, we will gradually increase those odds of reconciliation. So right now it may the odds may be stacked against, but as we all learn the best ways to Stand and interact with MLCers and focus on Self, we will have more and more reconciliation success stories. And that may be contagious because when there are few successes there are higher doubts; so when your friend reaches reconciliation, you may have an easier time believing you can or will too.
If you are the typical LBS, after a while you will believe your marriage will not survive, often because your MLCer is just one of those stubborn ones who once he makes a decision, he won't change it. …An MLCer may become stuck, but those are the rare cases. More common is for a person to regret their actions—often when they are too late because the spouse has closed the opportunity for marital reconciliation.One of the main reasons some of you will not recover your marriages is because you will change your mind about Standing. You may give up, feeling defeated and as though you failed (though let’s hope not) or you may change your mind about wanting to be married to your MLCer. You may also determine that your MLCer is likely to not return and though you will remain willing to consider if they are interested and you are available, you would like to expand your dating market; you want a romantic relationship with someone, even if that someone is a new person. I did not say you would not recover your marriage because your MLCer would not want to recover it.
Quite frankly, when I come here to vent and say what Im feeling, it is with hope. Because without it then there is NO POINT OF STANDING. I could move on, find someone else. Not have to deal with this everyday.
Sure we know that they are not themselves now. That doesn't change one thing about how it hurts. We cannot go through everyday, like everything is going to work out on way or the other. You have to be thinking about it most of the time. Were living it, its part of our lives. You can detach but, you cannot ignore it. It's a cloud that hangs over us daily. The not knowing. The what if's.
That unknown, were all afraid of it. It's OK, to say it out loud. IT'S OK to feel. I lately have felt shame. Shame that others didnt' think that I'm moving on, shame that they think Im not that detached. Fact is I love him, Im standing for my marriage. And EVERYDAY, EVERY MINUTE, Im doing the best that I can with what Im dealing with right now. That is the best I can do. I am not a robot. I can't turn my feelings on and off. If I could, wouldn't I be just like my MLC spouse?
All sitches and people are different and what applies to someone else's W may be apples and oranges to mine. In the be-all and end-all, all of us have a 50/50 chance.
One of the main reasons some of you will not recover your marriages is because you will change your mind about Standing. You may give up, feeling defeated and as though you failed (though let’s hope not) or you may change your mind about wanting to be married to your MLCer.
I am not a robot. I can't turn my feelings on and off. If I could, wouldn't I be just like my MLC spouse?
In the be-all and end-all, all of us have a 50/50 chance. They'll either return or they won't.
I agree with your first sentence here Thundarr. I disagree with the second. The part I take issue with, and that I took issue with in your previous post on the L2 thread, was the generalizing. No one on this board, you or anyone else, can speak with authority for what will happen to ALL OF US (or any individual one of us for that matter). There are too many conditions, too many variables, to categorize ALL LBSers or ALL MLCers under one umbrella. That is what I meant when I said earlier to "speak for yourself." In the end, that is all any of us can do with certainty.
I agree that men have the worst time with it because we try to look at it logically and weigh the odds of success. But in the end no odds make the difference. It is still a personal decision
After reading all of RCRs articles a year ago I decided that Standing was like most other things in life. You get out of things what you put into them. ??? ;D
On my first day of pharmacy school the professor told us the attrition rate was 50% . That meant if I looked around the classroom half of us wouldn't make it. ::)
Then in rehab 11 years ago for alcoholism the counselors told us "60% of you won't make it through with your sobriety."
If I based my ability to succeed at any endeavor in life by what the odds were of succeeding I probably wouldn't have tried at all! :P
It is true that your odds of winning the lottery are less than getting struck by lightning. :o :o So if I ever win the lottery I'll probably walk outside and immediately be hit by a bolt! Zap! ;D Thanks RCR!
I am in limbo at the moment. I did not think that I would find myself in this place. Not wanting to Stand anymore. As of late, since no contact with H, I've felt anger of what he has done. I can't get it off my mind that he chose THAT over me, our children, our family, our future. THAT thing that was able to persuade him to an illicit affair. How dare he do this to me!!!!! Now that I have had the time to think, reassess my marriage. It was never good. NEVER. Why would I want that back? He is incapable of being the man I want, the man I need. What has helped me through this from the beginning is the thought that we could have it better than ever. This is just fantasy now.
I believe myths developed as a way to guide young people into facing and passing through developmental stages and challenges in a healthy and individuated manner. Perhaps our loss of the mythic element in society plays some role in the rise of MLC and other psychological and developmental issues.
I believe myths developed as a way to guide young people into facing and passing through developmental stages and challenges in a healthy and individuated manner. Perhaps our loss of the mythic element in society plays some role in the rise of MLC and other psychological and developmental issues.
I recommend reading The Hero With a Thousand Faces by Campbell for anyone interested in the mythological and archetypal elements that confront us all throughout life. We ALL live the hero's journey in one way or another. I believe myths developed as a way to guide young people into facing and passing through developmental stages and challenges in a healthy and individuated manner.I think synchronicity is often at work in our lives. My background as a writer is Traditional Tales—myths, fairytales, folk tales… Campbell, of course, has always been a major part of my studies (the single greatest influence) and it was he that led me to greater studies of Jung…before MLC. I believe that it was my familiarity with The Hero’s Journey that led me to be able to write about MLC as I have. My short article, A Midlife Metaphor in Brief (http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_midlife-metaphor.html) is a reworking of a speech I gave for one of my writing classes a few years before MLC.
Perhaps our loss of the mythic element in society plays some role in the rise of MLC and other psychological and developmental issues.I really want to go back to school for my PhD. I don’t know if it will happen, but I won’t let the dream die and will continue to keep it as a goal. There is a school that integrates Depth (Jungian) Psychology with Mythological Studies that has the structure (distance) I would require and if it didn’t it would still be my first pick!. I am on the mailing list—been on it since before MLC. It has several different programs in Psychology, Mythology and even Marriage & Family Therapy.
You know that scene where Han Solo is flying into an asteroid field with the Empire fleet hot on his tail? C3P0 is reciting the extreme odds against surviving, and Solo replies, "Never tell me the odds." Yep, he made it and survived anyway.My all time favourite movie!!!!!!
The instant communication afforded through phones, internet and social media are wonderful, but at what cost. People don't know how to relate on a personal level any longer. Maybe that's why a lot of the MLCers are so young now. A lot are in their 30's.
So statistics be damned. Do what is good for you and what you feel in your gut.
I spoke to my counsellor yesterday and she asked me what I wanted. My first instinct is to say I wanted my H to come back but stopped and thought about it and replied "I want to find the strength to get through this crisis, to become a better and emotionally healthier person so that if my H comes back i have the strength and skills to then work on reconciliation and that if he doesn't come back I can see a future without him".
I spoke to my counsellor yesterday and she asked me what I wanted. My first instinct is to say I wanted my H to come back but stopped and thought about it and replied "I want to find the strength to get through this crisis, to become a better and emotionally healthier person so that if my H comes back i have the strength and skills to then work on reconciliation and that if he doesn't come back I can see a future without him".Beautifully put.