Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: OldPilot on May 29, 2014, 07:05:07 AM
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PLEASE NOTE
Please post on your own thread first and wait for responses, if no one responds then you should use the ask a mentor thread.
Please use this thread if you need immediate attention & if possible include a link to your story page. I.E. EMERGENCIES!
Discuss away!
previous threads:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4178.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3809.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3763.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3658.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3535.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2738.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2220.0
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Words of wisdom PLEASE!
Why is it that MLCers abandon their own kids but become this instant father to Ow kids? He is seen all around town playing great daddy to her kids and neglecting his own! This is hard for me to swallow!
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Hi LS,
I think it's because there's no real commitment there for him. It's all just superficial and he doesn't really have any real responsibility towards them.
Just my thoughts and I'm sure others will have more ideas!
X
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Honestly, it is pretty much the same as their faux relationship with OW.
The MLCer is unhappy with his/her life. Everything isn't going the way he/she would like. It can't be because of them! Oh NO! It HAS to be everyone else.
So they run away from their "old" lives and attempt to start over with a new life. New partner....heck...why not new kids? The old ones are so difficult! They aren't happy with the "new" me. They seem to be angry, hurt....difficult. I can start all over with everything NEW. I can do it RIGHT this time. The "new" kids seem happy to see me. (or maybe not...but he/she can try - right?)
The problem is.....the MLCer took the main cause of all the unhappiness in his/her life with him/her when they ran. The MLCer took himself! The old baggage is still there....it just takes TIME to rear its ugly head again.
I know it is difficult to watch. Imagine how difficult it is for our kids? One my my co-workers (a male LBS) will soon have his 16 year old daughter move in with him - as she can no longer stand living with her MLC Mom and her Mom's OM. She can't stand to watch her Mom dote over OM's young daughter. It hurts her. She feels replaced.
This is, unfortunately, very much script.
L
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Thank you- that all makes a lot of sense! He's playing knight and shining role to her kids too- ow h's left them and he swooped in right after! He doesn't have any responsibility with them, their not mad and angry around them... So he's really feeling like a great person!!!! CRAZY!!!!
I make sure my kids don't hear that he was seen at her kids practices, batting cages.... It would break my kids heart since he no longer does that for his own kids!
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Hi! I'm looking for info about mlcers dealing with the aging issue. Can't seem to find much. More details in my post on my thread:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5003.msg323752#new
Thanks!
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About 18 months ago my FIL had a stroke and i think it was the final trigger that cause BD. H started affair about 1 month after stroke, BD was April 2013.
(My FIL abandoned the family when my H was in 5th grade. He came back 3 years later and remarried my MIL. My H and FIL had a very strained relationship). My H is textbook MLC right down to the tattoos, motorcycle, dyed hair, singing in band, and young blonde with major issues.
This week FIL had another stroke and now is in Hospice, he is expected to pass away this week. My question is - Does another big "jolt" like this sometimes cause the "fog to lift"? I thought i read somewhere this sometimes happens. Was it on this forum?
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5001.0
answered on your thread.
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H will be at our house in about three hours to pick up stuff. He's being very distant and passive aggressive--just as he was this time last year when he was ramping up replay with ow. Don't worry, I'll be friendly and no r talk, but it would help me if I had an idea why he is back to mean monster. Guilt? Fear? Really enjoying his life now that he lives with ow and just really doesn't want to have anything to do with me?
No planks upside my head please. I haven't seen him nearly a month so I'm starting to stress a bit.
Thanks!
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H will be at our house in about three hours to pick up stuff. He's being very distant and passive aggressive--just as he was this time last year when he was ramping up replay with ow. Don't worry, I'll be friendly and no r talk, but it would help me if I had an idea why he is back to mean monster. Guilt? Fear? Really enjoying his life now that he lives with ow and just really doesn't want to have anything to do with me?
No planks upside my head please. I haven't seen him nearly a month so I'm starting to stress a bit.
I answered on your thread......
Thanks!
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Just wanted an experienced thought on my thread from events that happened today. It feels like a touch and go? And how should I handle this? My thought is to continue to leave him alone unless he contacts me and of course to try if there are future contacts to keep my lips zipped.
I really have no expectations other than the thought that maybe he is actually doing some thinking about our relationship.
Any thoughts or advise would be very welcomed.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5049.0
answered on your thread.
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Need some advice on how to handle a situation that has arisen recently.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4651.30
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Answered on your thread.
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hello
have started a new thread please could someone link them and thanks to those who have joined it would appreciate other comments as think it is a touch and go..
thank you
feeling bit fed up today :-(
(DONE!)
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thank you sand d still no one comments on thread but hey ho
hope you are all ok reading along as usual x
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Hi Dear Mentors,
I would like some advice on/for an impending situation.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4707.msg328628#msg328628 (http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4707.msg328628#msg328628)
Thanks
PB
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I've been warned that H may have filed for divorce… I really need to know how to handle this before I get confirmation. And I don't think I have a mentor yet. Can anybody help?
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5134.40
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I am having a real hard time and don't really have anyone to turn to for advice. Could you possible check out my thread explaining my situation? I greatly appreciate it. :)
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5158.0
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http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5169.msg331319#msg331319
When someone has time I am in need of advice regarding reconciliation on my thread. I'm having a really hard time.
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I cant figure out how to link my thread here since im on my phone. I really need some advice please.
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Help! I really feel like I'm spiraling into crisis mode and will make the wrong move. Any advice???
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5206.0
ansewered on your thread.
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Could you please read my thread.
I need some guidance as to how to proceed. He is in monster and trying to make it look like it's ALL me to the children. The children are 17-21 years (4 of them).
I just can't think.
Thanks
Answer on your thread - R2T
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Looking for the article that deals with the MLC around the 2 year mark .
I remember reading it and how they are convinced that the OP is the one for them.
Please help.
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Has the Hope Stories thread been removed (it was among the 'sticky'? threads at the top of forum, I thought)? If so, I hope it doesn't mean that HOPE has been downgraded in status! :(
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I could use some input on my thread as H has brought up the "D" word. Advice on how to talk to him and if I have said the right things. Thanks.
Answered on your thread by SongandDance
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hi sorry to ask but have posted something on my thread could really do with some advice please x
Answered on your thread Songanddance
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Can someone help me through this stage I am going through....my kids go away today and I am dreading taking them to airport and the thought that ow maybe there to drop h off....also this what seems to me like excessive cycling and anger is really dragging me down when I need to be positive to see my kids off....
Thanks. x
Answered on your thread.
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I have a technical question - I have just became a subscriber, is it possible to move my recently started thread to the private forum? (probably not... :-[) Many thanks in advance for your help and time!
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Hello there,
I willtry and move your thread to the Subscriber's side - I am not 100% technically savvy but I will do my bet and let you know how I get on!
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fantastic, many thanks!
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Probably wrong place to post,but I don't know what's happening. After several months if texts,and stopping by at least once every few weeks to check on animals, he would even stay for an hour or two. Now in the last month. Nothing. Maybe a text once a week.
Why the sudden vanisher? I'm spiraling down into deep depression again. It's like being left all over.
Wth goes thru thier minds? :-\
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Probably wrong place to post,but I don't know what's happening. After several months if texts,and stopping by at least once every few weeks to check on animals, he would even stay for an hour or two. Now in the last month. Nothing. Maybe a text once a week.
Why the sudden vanisher? I'm spiraling down into deep depression again. It's like being left all over.
Wth goes thru thier minds? :-\
It's not uncommon for the contact type to change over time, and with little warning. It is important to focus on yourself so you will cycle less when this happens. It's hard to say what may be going through his mind, but by stabilizing yourself, your day to day life will become less dependent on it.
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Thank you for answering me,honestly,I'm ready to check myself in the psych ward. This cycling thing really has hit me hard. Like at first BD.
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{{{hugs}}} Kat. Detachment is hard. That is an understatement! Be gentle with yourself. I am three years in and still have my moments. We're human, we love them, and suddenly they yank themselves out of our lives. It's shock, pure and simple.
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Ready2,
You are so right. It literally took me close to 2 1/2 years to get the "detachment" thing.
I think it's a matter of self survival.
You either detach or spend the rest of your days in misery.
Choose joy, Kat. Try to shake loose from being a victim.
You don't need a psych ward. Just try to let go for now. You have a long time to work this out. No rush.
If you need to talk to a counselor then do it, but do it for you, not to get answers on how to get your H back. Counselors don't have those kind of answers. Their just there to help YOU.
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Ready2,
Detachment is the hardest thing I've ever done. Sometimes I wish I knew the secret they have on how they do it without batting an eye. ???
It's been a year this month he BD. 8 months since I kicked him out. I can't imagine 3 years!
Thanks for your help :)
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Thunder,
They seem to take our joy with them when they go. Although I have better days now. Some are just plain misery.
Did the counseling thing,for a month. Right at BD.before I knew Mlc was a real thing.
She did say, get a life. You can't fix him,he's nuts, no bargaining with God. She never brought up MLC but it sounds like she had a sneaking suspicion he was in it.especially when I told her how it went down,
Like he literally flipped a switch.they have to be terribly unhappy,I don't know who looks more miserable,us or them :-X
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Hello apologies if I haven't posted correctly but am new to this. My H moved in with OW last week and away from area I have been advised to detach and only communicate when I have to. My teenage son wants to contact his dad but doesn't know what to do for the best are children of MLCERS supposed to detach as well. I find it hard and don't want them to go through even more pain then they are at present, if they contact H first is this feeding monster or not xx
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Strive to survive, I am answering on your thread
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http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5243.50
See my thread! Having a rough weekend! Thanks!
Answered on your thread.
limitless
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I'm sort of in a crisis right now regarding my MLC husband, our kids, and being at the same small events with the OW. I have an event tonight and tomorrow night. Any help would be greatly appreciated. More details in my thread.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5468.0 (http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5468.0)
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Hi there. Could use some advise in preparation for a meeting with my H in 48 hours or so. Wants to come over to talk about "where he is at and our future".
How I might conduct myself, some things I should/should not do are appreciated. I fully expect he will be telling me that he is done, and there will not be any "our" future. Pretty sure he's going to ask for a divorce, and push to sell assets.
My plan is to just listen and agree to nothing regarding assets. Thoughts?
My story is here http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5439.0
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hi sorry updated my post earlier just feeling really down at moment and need to read what someone may think i am scared now that it has come to this. i know finances needed sorted but it just seems so permanent and that there is no hope now of reconnection or getting back together as he has said this has to be permanent now that half of my lump sum settlement is not his and that why do i feel awful about not talking to him now :'(
he has been so awful then nice total cycling and playing with my feelings but then i think why does this man do this ? :-[
Answered on your thread
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For what reason would an MLCer be extremely calm almost at all times? My H has anger issues. Before MLC and for the first year or so of it he was Monsterish. But after that, each time my H said he wanted a separation or divorce, he was very calm in his speech and demeanor, even when discussing how assets would be divided, and was calm and "peaceful" when telling me he doesn't care if I see other people. No Monster, not even close to a nasty tone. It was as if he was speaking to a priest! And that tone has not changed when talking to me since he has moved in with OW for past few months. Even when I called her a wh*re and homewrecker, he was very calm and did not get angry, and said "That's not nice. I don't let anyone speak badly of you." And he left. I have not seen much information about calm MLCers. Any thoughts? Thanks.
answered on your thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5543.0
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Now the thing is I just feel like I need a holiday to get away from my surroundings may help with detachment even short term.
This is where I would like advise my W works for a travel company for which I can receive a great discount, so she will then know where and when. Is this a good thing? or should I just pay more and she knows nothing. Or should I ask for the booking number and not use it.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5537.0
answered on your thread.
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Hoping to get some advice on my post from yesterday on my thread?? Thanks so much!
answered on your thread.
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Can anyone tell me where to find info on Accommodators? I remember reading it somewhere but now I can't find it.
Thank you!
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Can anyone tell me where to find info on Accommodators? I remember reading it somewhere but now I can't find it.
Thank you!
http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/midlife-crisis-and-infidelity/accommodater/
Is this it?
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Yes, thank you! That is exactly what I was looking for! :)
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Hi mentors! I'm not sure whether this is the right place to ask, bit I was just notified by a fellow forum member thad I had linked my new thread incorrectly, and now my usual followers can't find me -- I miss them! :). I tried to unlock my old thread to change this, but it said it was locked by an administrator and wouldn't let me. Can anyone help me to put the right link in my old thread so that people can find my new one? I think the right link to my new thread is this: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5606.0 Thanks! Gimlan x
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The link to your new treath your previous thread is fixed. At least I can see the new thread using the link I fixed yesterday (my time, it is already the 14th here).
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I asked this question a few times on my thread and never really got an answer so I would appreciate any thoughts about this:
We have custody court coming (it's been an ongoing very rough battle) and the judge ordered a psychological evalution for me, my kids, and my h! I have nothing to hide with this evalution, but
I'm really wondering how a MLCER will do on a physicgocial evalution?? Kids therapist has told me he is emotionally dead but I'm wondering if ANY of his personality change will reveal itself in this test?
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I asked this question a few times on my thread and never really got an answer so I would appreciate any thoughts about this:
We have custody court coming (it's been an ongoing very rough battle) and the judge ordered a psychological evalution for me, my kids, and my h! I have nothing to hide with this evalution, but
I'm really wondering how a MLCER will do on a physicgocial evalution?? Kids therapist has told me he is emotionally dead but I'm wondering if ANY of his personality change will reveal itself in this test?
It would really be impossible for any of us to know. Some MLCers go through counseling and are validated by the professionals that treat them, others are more transparent in their dealings with others (my xH usually takes a few months before most normal people can make the connection that something is 'off'). Just a hunch, I think what your kids say will probably be the biggest indicator. Your H may keep his mask in place while talking to someone, but the kids may be able to express the change in your H and how it has impacted them even more convincingly.
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Can you please tell me how to change my color to purple and also how to put all my info on the bottom of my posts like the one right above such as my age, his, how long we've been together, how long we were married etc?
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how to put all my info on the bottom of my posts like the one right above such as my age, his, how long we've been together, how long we were married etc?
Go up to profile - then click on forum profile, change or enter what you want and save.
The purple part read this first
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=22.0
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OP I also just wrote and update on my thread that was pretty long and when I clicked "post" it gave me a message up at the top in red and said something like....your post has posted but you may want to go back and edit it? I don't see it on my thread. Please tell me it's somewhere in cyberspace on the link and hasn't been lost?
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OP I also just wrote and update on my thread that was pretty long and when I clicked "post" it gave me a message up at the top in red and said something like....your post has posted but you may want to go back and edit it? I don't see it on my thread. Please tell me it's somewhere in cyberspace on the link and hasn't been lost?
You can try clicking the back button, many times and see if you can regain your post, other than that no - it is lost
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Could I get a mentor?
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5710.0;all
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Your request was passed to OP & RCR.
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Could anyone tell me which work of C.G.Jung deals with MLC? Many thank in advance!
answered on your thread.
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OP I also just wrote and update on my thread that was pretty long and when I clicked "post" it gave me a message up at the top in red and said something like....your post has posted but you may want to go back and edit it? I don't see it on my thread. Please tell me it's somewhere in cyberspace on the link and hasn't been lost?
You can try clicking the back button, many times and see if you can regain your post, other than that no - it is lost
In case that ever happens again, it usually means someone has posted on your thread while you were composing your post, so it's giving you a chance to scroll down and reference it if you need to make changes. If you don't want to and your post is fine, just scroll down under that red part (your composed post should still be under it as though it hasn't posted yet), and hit the "Post" button again, and it should finish the job.
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Could I have a mentor, please? Really struggling. Thanks.
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OldPilot,
I have been reading your thread and am very interested in your comments.
You often mention that the LBS needs to 'lead the way'. Would you be able to clarify this term for me?
Best,Mimi
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I've a done a lot of mirror work but I'm still struggling with my stand. I would like a mentor. I'm not new to the forum. H has been gone without much contact for 2 years and I find it hard to continue to stand. I love him very much but he is going on with his life as if I don't even exist.
I was given a mentor at the beginning although I didn't find much in common with her. Is it possible for me to have a mentor now and how can I also be a mentor to someone else? Thank you for your help. SW
Answered on your thread:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5305.msg385289#new
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I would like a mentor as well, a year and a half into this. Alone for a year. And I'm barely getting out of bed.
I can't seem to connect with anyone on the board. :-\
Answered on your thread at :
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5097.msg384847#new
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Strongwind and Kat,
What are you looking for in a mentor?
I am not a mentor by any stretch, but perhaps we can be of inspiration to each othet? My H has been gone for nearly two years too. But I've done lots of work on myself and I am getting to a much better place now. I sm actually rmbracing my aloneness.
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Hi MIMI,
It's good to hear your better. Gives me some hope. I have not embraced my aloneness that's for sure.
Daughter moved out a month before I kicked MLCer out. So a double whammy. Do you hear from your H?
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Kat,
Yes, I hear from my H. I have made it safe for him to come back. I do not react to the things he is doing. I try to focus on myself and keep things together here at home. I try to be as good to myself as possible.
Initially he ran away and was so defiant. He was afraid of my reaction. When he did not get a reaction, when I did not cut him out of life, he let down his defences. He softened his stance. Granted, he is not back. But he is really confused rnow and doesn't seem to know what he wants now. He is suffering too. He has stopped the "I want a divorce" talk. I just leave him alone.
Focus on your own happiness. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself to some good things. It doesn't have to cost anything. It could simply be taking an hour of sitting in a sunny window (or shade depending on where you live) and flipping through a magazine. Have coffee with a friend and talk hobbies. I have pizza every Thursday with a friend. We get together and share a happy couple of hours.
I do not follow my emotions. I try to stay in control. I do this for myself. It works! It really does.
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Can someone please tell me if we can edit our posts? I am being advised to add more details, but, don't know if I should lob it onto the bottom of my thread, or if I can edit my original (very first) post? TIA
Edit - Answered on your thread. Old Pilot
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I have a question about 'protecting myself financially' like everyone recommends. I am 5 months after BD. My husband has just gone public with OW even telling our S8 and D10 about her.
When I mentioned to H that I was concerned that his new relationship would put pressure on our already struggling financial resources he says "dont worry. my priority is you and the kids. she doesnt need any money. she understands" etc. Well, obviously I dont trust him - although I think he does believe this to be true I get the feeling she is pressuring him to take the relationship to the next level and he is not right in the head.
Anyway, years ago I promised my S8 I would not get divorced (before MLC) and I dont want to go back on that since he's had such a hard time with this. I want him to believe the word of at least one of his parents. So I was hoping not to be the one to file. H has not mentioned D though.
My question is - in the US can you hire someone other than a lawyer who can help you put together a legal, financial document that divvies up resources, identifies alimony and child pay, etc. in the case that things start going south (H starts spending his money elsewhere or goes into dept)?
I was a homeschool parent who moved here and gave up my career for his job years ago. My employment options in this location barely get me minimum wage. I feel vulnerable and unsure where to spend my meager amount of money (lawyer, financial mediator etc.?) in order to protect myself.
ps. I didnt post on my thread because I havent been getting responses there lately.
Answered on your thread:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5487.120
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Mimix,
My MLCer is a lot like yours. He knows he can come back, I don't fight,argue,ask questions about OW.
I don't contact him unless he initiates. Unless its an emergency. A few months ago, he came over, had dinner. Stayed for a few hours. And right before leaving, said.... I still don't know where I'm going.
I try to be as kind as i can, he is truly suffering too. Even tho he made his bed. I think they all find it very uncomfortable at times. It's not quite the fairy tale we think it is for them.
So I'm trying to not to focus so much on him, the situation, the OW.he will not talk divorce. So I don't go there anymore.
Even if we divorced, nothing would change. I would still hurt, still love him, still want him to come home. So I'm leaving that to God and the universe.
And going to try hard to work on me, thanks for your post. I truly needed to hear it.
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Help, I am seeing my H for the first tiime in weeks to split up the storage unit. I could use some quick advice for today.
Thank you so much!
Here is my thread
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5944.0;all
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Good evening.I just want to ask something.One year after bomb drop my H become worst of his mlc.Now he wants to go to the OW.He tried to stay with us coz according to him he dont want to leave us but the urge to follow the OW to another place is so strong and its making him crazy.So finally I was the one who told him to go to the OW coz its so painful seeing him more depressed that before.Then after our last conversation I didnt contact him anymore.No call and text.I talked to my SIL and she told me that she ask my H about my decision to let him go to the OW.H told her he cannot decide if he will leave us.His guilt is killing him and he's afraid that we will not accept him if he comes back to us..Is it wrong that I was the one who told H to go to the OW?Why can't decide to leave when he told me that he really wants to be with the OW?kindly enlighten me please??
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5802.0
answered on your thread.
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Not sure if this is the right place for this, but when reading threads, is there an icon that takes you to your last read post on that thread? Some of these threads I follow move way faster than I have time for & it's tough to find where I left off. Thanks a bunch!
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When you log in, right by the side of your Avatar there is a Hello patience.of.a.saint then there is:
Show unread posts since last visit. and Show new replies to your posts.
The first will allow you to see all the threads that have new posts, the second the threads you have post to and now have new posts.
There is also a notify bottom inside each individual thread that you can click. You will receive email notifications from the threads you have on notify.
Hope this helps you.
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Not sure if this is the right place for this, but when reading threads, is there an icon that takes you to your last read post on that thread? Some of these threads I follow move way faster than I have time for & it's tough to find where I left off. Thanks a bunch!
hit the new button it takes you to the post that you have not read yet
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Thanks Old Pilot, that's exactly what I was looking for.
Anjae, thanks for your help as well.
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No one reads my thread anymore so posting quick question here?
Why do they ask you questions about themselves now, when they never thought you knew what you were talking about before? Do they just want to confirm we haven't changed
An answer on your thread ;)
Mitzpah
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4702.50
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hi I haven't posted since july/august 2014. How can I reactivate my thread.
Its called 'where do we go from here'
Thanks Glimmer X
Good to see you! ;) Is this your thread? http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5245.0 (http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5245.0)
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I could use help trying to figure out how to save texts for court.
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Hi RB, I've saved saved lots of text conversations in case my solicitor needs them. I did screenshots on my phone, if yours supports those. I had to Google how to do it on mine! I then sent the screenshots to a family member as well in case anything went wrong with my phone.
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All set. It worked.
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can I have a mentor?
Edit - Added to list, answered on your thread - OldPilot
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I've had a lot happen and could use some words of wisdom. Page 9 starts with my Friday night...end of page 10 is what we've texted this morning. Would just like to know how to proceed...and if this will be the end of things between us. TIA
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5968.80 (http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5968.80)
I commented on your thread.
Limitless
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I mentioned in my thread http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6217.0 that last night I slept on the couch and tonight I'm contemplating sleeping in my D's room since she's at a sleepover. Does this seem like a good idea, or am I just going to bring back the Monster?
answered on your thread.
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I think I might need a new mentor ???
Edit - RCR is aware of this, JAG is still looking in on you and my suggestion is to keep posting. - OldPilot
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Could someone please read my post? My h never really left, seems a lot better. Ups & downs seems a lot like himself but still spends most of his time in our garage.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5687.msg406054#msg406054
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If somebody has time to share advice and feedback on my current problem with W, I would be grateful for your advice...
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5185.140
answered on your thread
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Started a new thread, and posted a conversation we had today and would like some feedback as to whether I said the right things or too much. And also would like to know what to say if it comes up again, because I know it will. Thanks!
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6282.0 (http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6282.0)
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Could someone please give me some feedback on my thread.
I met my husband today and unfortunately it didn't go as "light and easy" as I had hoped.
I am going to post the update on the meeting my husband today.
answered on your thread.
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I don't know how to link my thread to this.. I have written on thread. Need advice about last couple of post
answered on your thread.
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I have a question, if my h text me goodnight should I respond. He has recently started staying in a friends house. I'm working on detaching other than business conversations. Any advice. Also I would like a mentor if possible. Thank you
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6317.0
answered on your thread.
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I need help
My h is coming to see his s13 for the first time in six months
He calls every month or so.
He is still very much monster to me if we speak
H has refused to pay a cent to me
S13 is not comfortable meeting his new ow nor has he met the other three ow h has had since bd
But he does miss his dad and want to see him
I have told h this but he said she would be there like it or not
My question is
Should I be encouraging him to go ?
H is watching him play football then after that he was going to take him
S13 wants to come home after football bc of ow
Not sure how to play this out
I have booked early apt to see counsellor today as I don't know
I am hurt and angry still but I can't let that affect what's the best thing to do
Answered on your thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?action=post;topic=6058.100;last_msg=407740
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I appreciate you still have monster with H but he does need to be told that to see S with OW is not fair on S.
He can see S but not with OW. Just sow the seed that it might put his R such as it is with S further back if OW is involved in their time together.
Think carefully about the words and your tone of voice. Calm, collected and non accusatory.
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Thank you so much for your advice.
Yes I agree that s13 doesn't want to see or meet ow. counsellor advised me to stay well out of it
And for s13 to speak up and say and do what he is comfortable doing. Lucky s13 has spoken up before in regard to the old ow which meant he did saw him once in six months
Counsellor advised if h ignores his wishes then s will work out for himself what type of person h is.
I have to stay right out of it not go and rescue him if he doesn't bring him home when s13 asks I just have to be there for him if it becomes a bad experience. It's more about me stepping away and not being involved in their relationship. Although yes I will be blamed if s13 doesn't go.
Thanks again Bless
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Questions, I have :)
1) H is back at home, under the "I'm only here because I miss the girls and you need my help with drop offs and pick ups" - I don't engage with him at all. We are like strangers except when he initiates convo with me once in a while. Will this arrangement hurt or help his MLC? We don't greet each other AT ALL - no nothing.
2) GALing - can this backfire in that he views this "positively" as in - yes! She's finally moving on, she won't want reconciliation, now I can do my own thing.
3) He is undergoing current potentially serious medical issues - waiting on some results - will my concern turn him off? My whole being and gut tell me to do what I would've normally done which is to try to reassure and comfort him. How do I balance this situation with the MLC and trying to detach?
answered on your thread.
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Can someone show me where return to replay behavior is? I think this is happening.
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Can someone show me where return to replay behavior is? I think this is happening.
Maybe this article is what you are looking for?http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_liminality.html (http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_liminality.html)
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Are there any old threads about forgiveness or other resources besides the mirror-work articles and the James Messina article?
I could use a fresh approach, I think.
Thanks in advance.
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Not sure what a mentor does. But it can't hurt
Do you really believe mlcers really still love there spouse
Answered on your thread
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Please help. My husband works out of town. Last time in was in and left said alienator and him done. Well he is coming in town tomorrow and he is acting and saying things like she is in the picture again. Well I lost it and totally reacted to both of them via text. I told him I would give him the divorce he wants I really don't think he wants it. I'm not sure if he is uncomfortable around me because of this alienator or his drinking or guilt. I can't take the infidelty. But if he turns around maybe. I am full of hate that he can't figure this out. I do understand all I read but it is a hard concept. Any how he doesn't think I care about him and all that. I don't know what to do because of my reaction . Do I send an apology even though I'm mean what I say . Or what. So I have wondered also do they not have feelings for the spouse or are they afraid to feel. If they get close to spouse. And if they did feel wouldn't they begin to crumble. Thee has been no intimacy in over a year. I mention this and sometimes I think he uses as control. Because he has asked "do you want to f...k and then says well your not gonna get it. He is a classic mlcer every thing said and has done. And monster
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How do u know if someone is out of replay if still has ow?
Answered on your thread
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Hello,
My H is still living at home for a few more days but he already presented OW to my boys (13 & 17). I find this so disrespectful and I'm so hurt. How do I deal with that?
Thank you
HFB
Answered on your thread
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Hello
Can a mentor please unlock my thread? I last posted on my own thread in January 2015 and it is called Confused in UK Part 3. I can find my thread but am unable to post as it is locked.
Thanks Jos1.9
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Hello
Can a mentor please unlock my thread? I last posted on my own thread in January 2015 and it is called Confused in UK Part 3. I can find my thread but am unable to post as it is locked.
Thanks Jos1.9
Your last thread is 168 posts and has been retired.
Please start a new one.
Thanks.
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Thank you for clarifying that Old Pilot
Can I please ask you if it is possible for you to link my threads? - although the old one is locked can you please link them for me ?
Thanks Jos1.9
Done - OldPilot
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Why do MLCERS take OW on vacation to the same places they went with us? Right now my H is on vacation at a romantic B&B on a lake we went to.
Is this part of the MLCERS process? Is it a sign he is missing me?
I really don't understand this process or how they come through. I'm in 3 years. Is he still in replay? Will it end?
Answered on your thread
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I was wondering if anyone ever asked their spouse to come back without begging and pleading? My h has said to me multiple times that I would like to see him come back and cuddle and stuff. I know sometimes they make statements with half truths so I was wondering if that could be happening at all. With this staement and he is afraid. if so what happened? I know he is still in replay but was wondering this.
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Kbutter,
Just remember actions speak louder than words.
If your H wanted to come home nothing would stop him.
They "say" a lot of stuff.
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Can I request to have a mentor? The mentor I had at BD as a newbie is not currently an active mentor.
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Can I request to have a mentor? The mentor I had at BD as a newbie is not currently an active mentor.
I will give your request to RCR
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I was speaking offline with an LBS. They said there is material regarding why the MLCer will do things with the OP but not us. Anyone know where that is?
I had been trying to get H to go to church with me for years, like 12 years. He's gone only 18 months and he's going to church with OW, to her church. ::) He always refused not being interested and sometimes joking that the church would burn to the ground upon him walking in. But then he walks in with Immoral OW? Lol. This is kind of fascinating to me because if I were him or OW, having had an affair that affected a family, church is the very last place I would want to go. I would think it would make someone feel worse and more guilty. Any thoughts on this church thing? Lol.
(answered on your thread)
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hi,
so my original story is titled EMA disclosure with teenage kids
I have posted back last year , but I cant see how to carry on with that post so here i am.
With my emergency , please help me ! :-[
I discovered evidence of OW2 a week ago , last Aime I discovered I confronted H the next day it all went wrong he left then came back and here we are 14months later looks like hes been seeing her OW2 ( same as OW1) when working in other country.
So understandably i wanted to pause and take stock before i jumped into confrontation again. However, since he came back last year we were planning to move to this other country,and even now whilst seeing OW2 hes talking like we r emigrating!!!! :o :o
the Pressures are he is leaving for 2 weeks "work " in other country on Monday 12Th ( its flexible work so could probably cancel).
IT my birthday on Sunday 11Th. Whilst I know this is going to be really $h!te ( having been there) before.
I m a very time of year/date orientated person ,and really don't want my birthday :( to foreveer be linked with this $h!te! confrontation and probably him leaving again.
SO i have contemplated delaying until he gets back.
He knows somethings up with me cause he told OW2 that in a message.
Also I know everyone loves their hubby but hes being such an idiot teenage version of himself ,i kind of wanted to try a different way.
Say something like ..... i can see hes hurting himself etc, what does he want to do about that etc etc . Also wondered about asking him how he felt about confrontation. and tell him I would have preferred him to come and tell me!
Am I deluded stuck in denial or crazy??
DO I postpone for a couple of weeks ??
I have searched and searched but I cant find any info on postponing . Basically I have the next 3 days to do it if I need to and then what .
I dont fancy giving him an ultimatum
ie
If you want this to work dont get on the plane on Monday type thing
If i confront and let him go , will it drive me crazy while hes away
or will it drive them together in the crisis???
I really dont want to talk to any friends about this yet as you can imagine i feel like an absolute idiot for taking him back last time ! the thought of telling people hes done it again is aweful, and also most people will say thats it get shot of him he cant be trusted which is defo true right now, but maybe not in the long haul.
Also we have 4 kids I cant bare the thought of putting them though it again although they r grown up, it has taken alot of time get them all speaking to each other again.
also re my birthday ,the kids will know something :-[ is up if i challenge before sunday and he leaves Monday.
thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings. Please feel free to talk sense disagree etc etc ! :)
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Hi Mutley! I've revived your thread here and will respond there as well: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4959.0
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Just need some help
I posted on Treasures thread something that was meant for a pm, must be half asleep this morning, could someone please remove it or even just my name.
Thank you.
I removed it - send it as a PM- OldPilot
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Thank you so much.
x
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Hi, :)
Just a head's up.
I have been getting "server not responding" when trying to access RCR's blog lately. Just wanted to check some articles.
Your help is much appreciated.
Thanks
Peace and strength
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Hi, :)
Just a head's up.
I have been getting "server not responding" when trying to access RCR's blog lately. Just wanted to check some articles.
Your help is much appreciated.
Thanks
Peace and strength
Me too
I have noted it to RCR
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I am about to go on a vacation to a different country and want my will to be up to date. One of the things I want, if I die before my time, is that my kids get to read all of my journal so that they understand what has been happening in our lives for the last year and a half. Is there a way to download all of this in chronological order, so I can print it and include it in my will?
Answered on thread - OldPilot
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What should you do if/when a h breaks a boundary? What is a good consequence to say?
ansewerd on your thread.
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I am in need of some wise words because at the moment, all I can think about is "what kind of cowardly excuse of a man and father blow off his kid and manipulate/make-up reasons why?"
Is my Ex just a sociopath narcissistic @$$hole? Or...is this what MLC actually looks like sometimes? I want to scream right now. :(
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7371.0
answered on your thread.
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What does it mean if my husband says he loves me, that will never change? Been gone since Oct 2010 but comes to the house every day and leaves every night to return to his apartment
answered on your thread.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2968.0
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what is the difference between a MLC and a midlife transition? not the definition, but symptoms.
thanks
Answered on your thread. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7522.0
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Hi. Does anyone have any knowledge on a sister wife/polygamous sitch? I really need some help on this. thanks
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7453.0
Elegance
answered on your thread.
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Is there a list of things to say/do thatwill be positive enough to keep the MLCer from running back into the tunnel? In the case where the MLCer appears to be trying to connect in some manner, then does something immediately that is thoughtless (not mean or cruel, just not having any courtesy or consideration for the LBS), how can the LBS not show disappointment. Or should they just go ahead and without rancor, say something. But then, what would they say?
In a fictitious example where the MLCER brings home dinner for themselves and children, but leaves out LBS, to me if the LBS is hurt, they should say so. "I feel left out when there is food for everyone except me." You would do this with normal people. But for an MLCer, it would make them feel "bad" and most likely shame. It doesn't seem right that the LBS would have to stuff their feelings. Is there a different alternative?
Answered on your thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7449.msg502907#msg502907 - R2T
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Are they any lbs threads that I can read, that where in a in-house separation?
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Do you mean if the MLCer is a wallower or a high energy replayer but still living at home?
I have the latter so you are welcome to read my threads (I'm over 3 yrs in).
A wallower is 31 and counting (if memory serves me well) and she has been in this longer than me.
I'm sure other mentors will name others- I just need to trawl my memory.
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Off the top of my head, I believe Offroad is another one who has a live in H.
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Can someone look at my last post and make suggestions? TY
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7347.msg517838#msg517838
answered on your thread.
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I beleive my h is along the lines of intermintent limility. From some things he says it has sounded like he has tried to break it off with ow since maybe may of this year. When you say its a long process to end how long? I know my h ants to fix things but doesnt know how. I beleve he thinks reconcilation is hopelss .Is there anything to say or do at this point? My h does not pursue me but if i call he will talk or he will call me right back? I asked him to meet and he said he would have a cup of coffeee with me ? Is that ok or should i be waiting for him to pursue me?
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Hi mentors ! I posted on my thread much more detail but I didn't get a response so looking for some opinions on this : it's been 3 1/2 half years since BD and we are friendlier now and can talk more as friends ...I'm wanting to know ....if us being friends is relieving him from all his guilt and he thinks ....ok she's over it now and we can all move on to our new lives finally ...
He seems much more happier and I'm thinking it's because he's relieved of guilt ? Please take a look at my post for more detail ...thanks SOOO MUCH!
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I'll look at your thread, Learning, and answer there. :)
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Mentors ,
My s19 contacted the ow earlier this week. He told her about h cheating on her with me back in august. She wasnt real happy. Im sure h has told her that s19 is doing this just ro start trouble. None of my children have met her nor do they want to. S19 contacted her through fb messenger. She wanted to confront h with me present. Not going to happen. She then continued to tell s19 how h is not struggling financially and that after the holidays h is filing for divorce. These are things h should be dicussing with me not her. H and i have had very little contact in the last year. Its not that i have went nc, its just he dont contact me and i wont pursue him. My question is whe your children interfere with the situation and tou have asked them not to, does it do more damage? S19 told me he wants her gone and for h to have nothing. I think deep down past the hurt of everything he is trying to fix this. I have told him its no use. My h has always said " out of sight, out of mind". I guess that is how he is chosing to live his life now. We are out of sight so we are out of all his thoughts.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8432.msg550753#msg550753
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I'll answer on your thread.
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I'm rather new in the forum but from what I've been reading here, it seems there are different types/kinds of men in MLC. I've read people mention clingers and vanishers.
Is there any article on the topic you could recommend reading?
Thanks in advance!
Answered on your thread - OP
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HelP! last night he told me again it was too late for my changes! He said he has never been unfaithfuk but he doesn't know about the future. He asked for space. That he was living one day at a time. We still share our bed, what should I do?
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8503.msg554997#msg554997
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I hope it's okay to post here. I'm really looking for advise from those of you that have been here much longer and have more experience.
Short version. Recently I made the decision to go dim w H. I did this for my own peace of mind. I am trying to detach more, and not live my life wondering what, why, when...
We talk occasionally but most communication is by text. So I answer his texts when he asks me a question but let more of them go unanswered. I've also got a lot going on with my M's recent surgery and frankly, I don't want to deal w H and my emotions right now.
Last night he texted me " Just wanted to say hi. I hope you're well". I had just gotten in bed and didn't respond. Then overnight another text " I know I did wrong. I don't know what I've done lately but I know your mad at me for something...."
I really don't know how to answer this. I don't feel comfortable putting anything in writing but not sure I should call. I don't want to give him my blessing to continue his MLC behavior, and I feel like he's looking for that. I wanted to find resources about pursuers vs distancers, as I feel that he has been the distancer and now is responding to me becoming more of one. I feel like possibly he's poking his head a little out of the fog...but maybe just looking for permission from me?
Anyway, I really don't know what to do to respond, if anything. Any advise or thoughts are truly appreciated.
Here's my most recent thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8540.msg556172#new (http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8540.msg556172#new)
Thank you. I apologize if I should not have posted here, but I didn't know what else to do.
Edit - Posted on your thread. - OP
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Can a mentor please throw an objective eye on my thread, not sure what's going on and I really do not want to go into over thinking mode. Thanks
Here is the link:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8284.50
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I'll answer on your tread, Becoming.
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I hope someone can help me with this thought I've been having, how does the whole of the MLC work if there's no affair?
Do facts that there's no physical or emotional affair and that the MLCer stays at home make the whole process longer?
Are there threads similar to my case that could throw light on my situation?
Thanks in advance
:)
thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8503.70
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I'll respond on your thread, Mary.
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I really need help from someone experienced in Mirror Work. Sorry that I'm not waiting for a response but I think (I hope) a mentor may be more experienced. Here's my question, I did post it on my thread:
Okay, I really need some advice.
I got that book my IC suggested, "Healing the Child Within". I started reading it yesterday morning. After a couple chapters, I started crying. Couldn't figure out why, but decided to stop for a while.
Last night when I went to bed, I took it with me and read some more. It brought up things I thought had healed and made me cry more. I put it aside and went to sleep.
This morning, I can't stop crying. I know it's my inner child, in pain. I am remembering things that I had thought had long since healed and I am now understanding just how scared and alone I felt. My brother used to be so mean, he went through a lot of anger when he was a teenager. I was the youngest. I remember him hitting my mother so hard he left her whole forearm bruised. She had to wear long sleeves to work to cover it. But I also remember him hitting my grandmother, who lived with us and had a bad back. She fell to the floor, crying in pain. I had to run next door to the neighbor, who was a nurse. The ambulance had to come and took my grandmother to the hospital.
My brother used to hit me too. But it's the pain of having to deal with him hitting my grandmother that is hitting me hard. I don't know what to do. It's quite obvious I need to work through this but don't know how to.
Do I keep reading through this book in hopes that I get to a place that helps me to heal? Or do I put it back in it's compartment until I can see the IC? I don't have another appointment scheduled at this point, but did email her to see if I can get in.
Please, have any of you opened old wounds when you started doing mirror work? And if so, how did you deal with it?
Thank you!
Answered on you thread by me and some other mentors - OP
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8591.0
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If anyone is there, I'm needing some help or at least someone just to listen. Having a minor panic attack. H wants to talk. I told him if he was going to drop another bomb that I would prefer to wait. He said 'okay.' This was all via text.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8535.130
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I'll answer on your thread Emerald.
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Hi mentors,
I was wondering of replay really does last 5 to 7 years? Could they be in replay before bomb drop? I am asking this because a year prior to bd my h was fishing for someone to have an affair with. This includes my own sister. I havent mentio ed this before because it is embarrassing.
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Hi mentors,
I was wondering of replay really does last 5 to 7 years? Could they be in replay before bomb drop? I am asking this because a year prior to bd my h was fishing for someone to have an affair with. This includes my own sister. I havent mentio ed this before because it is embarrassing.
Yes Replay starts before bomb drop
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How long before bd?
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How long before bd?
Normally BD is considered to be 1/2 to 2/3 thru replay, however their are no guarantees.
Personally I would not worry about it.
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Just in case you can give me some ideas about this:
I wanted to know if you or someone is aware of how stages can vary and what consequences those varietaions may have. My H was really depressed and withdrawn immediately after BD. He kept to himself and stayed up till late on a hobby of his. He would drink more than what he used to and listened to romantic songs. He cried when we talked about his past an de I felt as if he was falling into a dungeon. At the same time, he bought clothes and has been changing his looks. Does that mean he will later skip depression and withdrawal?
Thanks in advance!
Edit - answered on your thread - OldPilot
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As someone who wants to reconcile, but going through the D process how do I deal with property division? W wants everything of value and has been nasty. I know I can't cave as I will need nice things in order to build a new life. I am seeing the mlc monster or the crying victim. I got some good advice on my thread about how to view her, but I guess I need help on how to deal with her anger. I don't want to create permanent damage, but it is difficult to put up with her behavior. I explained to her that I wanted her to have all of the nice things we bought, but now that she wants D I need half to build my life. I said I need money for retirement and to maintain a home. I said I can't take care of her needs first anymore. I don't know what else to do? I can accept her attitude and look past some of the ministering, but will this be a problem down the road if she comes out of the mlc? I guess I can't give her everything and hope she appreciates it. Anyone with enough insight into the mlc mind to sort this out for me.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8692.msg569289#msg569289
Edit - Posted on your thread. - OP
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I have a couple of questions. I am still trying to figure out if what my husband is going through is an mlc or not.
I have read that most mlcers have childhood issues....is that always the case because my husband had a happy childhood?
My husband has continued to stay involved with his children which doesn't seem like most mlcers.
Finally, my husband seems to have been on and off with affair partner for years before bd, is that normal?
Edit - answered on your thread
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8796.0 - Oldpilot
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New thread
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8814.0