[Rollercoasterider]

OMG, I wrote this days ago and then when I took a break and returned it was gone—totally lost and not in my recovered files. I tried to recreate it but have the flu and was just not getting what I wanted to say to come out. Then I just restarted and guess what came through my recovered files!

Say I get sacked by the company I worked for 20 years.
I have this gut feeling that they will hire me back.  No reason, I just feel that way.  Intuition.  Despite the severance payout and all the paper work that declares me legally dismissed from the company.

I respectfully disagree with your analogy.  Apples, and oranges.

Because companies are STERILE.  No emotions, no feelings, no nothing.  JUST BUSINESS!  So once you're let go, you're gone.  There are no second thoughts, and no turning back.

Marriage is just the opposite.....all about people, very strong emotions.  And per RCR, these people are only "lost .....not gone."

This is untrue of many companies. I think this is a perfect example. They are run by people who have relationships and care about the employees who leave—which is a reason some return. I would be very surprised if the remarriage rate of former spouses is as high as the return rate of employees to their former employer. I have even worked for places that had a policy in place for these bridge employees to see that they were credited for both periods of employment in seniority and benefits.
And your respectful disagreement is an example of you being dismissive—regardless of a differing opinion, it is dismissive., though I appreciate that you gave a reason for your disagreement so we can follow your train of thought.

I am in the same boat as everyone else - we ALL wonder if we will have enough to live on comfortably.  I get alimony for the next five years.  Then I got $300k in retirement, which has already grown to $335k, and will only continue until I'm 59 1/2.  My lawyer said I was given a "good offer", and more than I would have won in court.

So why then does everyone feel that I'm so destitute?

Seriously? I wonder why you don’t? 300K is pennies when you are looking at retirement—you don’t get to touch that without penalties until the proper age! Suppose you don’t touch it in order to avoid the penalties and you get 2 doubling periods out of it. Then yes, at retirement you will have 1.2 million which may be suitable depending on your spending rates/living style and health. [added later” Oh I forgot, you already have a serious health issue—MS—that is likely to be expensive regarding your needs.] BUT what are you going to do in the meantime—you will need money up until that time! You are not thinking straight. If there is some clause that you may use it early without penalties, it will not last long and you will not have sufficient retirement. I agree with your lawyer that given how things are done in this day and age, that does sound like a good settlement, but it’s not enough for your personal financial well-being.

Personally, despite the hope he will one day come back, I made it my job to make sure I can get by no matter what happens. I wanted to be safe and maybe also a bit out of pride. If I was my H and I saw me (his wife) simply taking all the abuse and cr$p but still patiently waiting for him to "wake up" I would have no respect for my wife anymore and definitely I would not go back to that. [Emphasis added by RCR]

Also I want to make something clear to him. I don't NEED him, I don't need his paycheck or his help around the house. I want him in my life because I chose him as my life companion..  I'm learning to do what I need to do so I can make sure I can look after myself. He doesn't have my back anymore, he doesn't care about me right now and he might never care again.. I wish you could see that the same could happen to you.. And I hope that whenever you see it, it's not too late Mego.. Right now your "knowing" is giving you a false sense of security and the longer this goes on, the more time you are wasting.. Time you could be using to do something useful for you.

This is key. I am loathe to make predictions and yet I will as an example. Mego, as you are right now I do not predict reconciliation for you—even if your intuition is accurate. The reason is your lack of Mirror Work and to accept and be active with almost any advice offered—what to those of use reading feels like a refusal. Your intuition may be accurate, but within the right circumstances. My Knowing did not guarantee reconciliation. I always knew I could opt out simply by choosing to or by failing to progress and grow—not doing my own Mirror Work. For that Knowing to be realized I had things required of me, and you are not doing those things.

I doubt he is going to be shelling out for the ex-wife who chooses to sit on her ass and waits for a handout and a return from him.

I don’t think Goner was saying that SAHMs are lazy and sitting on their asses all day. Seriously after reading complaints about that to me I was prepared to review my day caring for my 5 to show that it is a lot more work than an 8 hour a day job! But no need.
I think Goner said that because Mego is still banking on being taken care of by her MLCer rather than doing enough to take care of herself. She is treating it as his responsibility—though she may not see it as this since for her it is the belief or idea that he will reconcile.
Mego this is not going to happen if you continue on the path you are present on and the odds are still low if you take the path of empowerment, but they are not nearly as low as if you do not.

It makes people feel better to tell them this is not their fault yet our circumstances which may have been out of our control still play a role in what happened.[Emphasis by RCR]

Once again - blaming the spouse!

What? Facts—regardless of how hard they are to hear or you dislike them are not about blame. It’s not blaming the spouse. Some MLCers leave because of a LBSs illness or disability. Some become so scared of losing their spouse to death that they cannot handle it and run. Some can’t handle seeing someone they love in pain. I’m not offering a viable excuse for their actions, simply a reason—cowardice. Does the MLCers cowardice make it the fault of the LBS since it may tangentially be about the LBS’s medical condition?

He so badly wanted to reconcile with my Mother but by then it was too late. He thought she would hang around waiting forever or until he decided he wanted back in.

Your story is all-too-familiar.  It seems like everyone's story!  Perhaps that's why I don't panic about my future too much (?!)

Because once I learned what was REALLY going on with him, I realized the decision was mine to make.

Sometimes I seriously question and regret the things we say regarding advice and what MLCers are all about because they come back to bite us when someone takes them too literally, as being about all MLCers and as gospel.
The decision to want to return is the MLCers, not yours. The decision to accept or allow a return is the LBSs. That is two people who both have a say in what will happen. Why has it been said that the decision is the LBSs? Well, the desire to believe that the odds are better than they are has fed that beast. In the early days someone told me that Jim Conway said that 80% return and so I then ran with that (way before having my own forum). When I asked Jim about it, he said it was not from him—I’d heard it first from someone in his chat group—and so I stopped spreading it—I’d become doubtful. Reconciliations are rare, and yet LBS who think their intuition is telling them he will return are significantly less rare.
In my situation the decision was mine because it became clear he did and would want to return home. Forget my Knowings for a bit (I’ll talk about those later), it was clearly indicated by his behavior early on and continuing through his MLC. Others could tell our marriage was not ending. I even got the sense that people at the forum knew this early on.
The idea that the LBS universally has the decisive power is false. In the case of Clinging Boomerangs, it is more true, though not universally and the MLCer still has a say; it’s just that Clinging Boomerangs are more likely than others to desire reconciliation. This does not mean the rate of return is high even for Clinging Boomerangs, it just appears to be better than for others. And I say appears because it’s not something where I have an official statistic, I say this only from looking at the anecdotal experiences I have read on this forum—and at Divorcebusting. I can get an idea of patterns, but since I have not attempted a more rigorous scientific analysis, these may be inaccurate interpretations.
Now about your question. You have asked two questions which perhaps you think are the same, but they are quite different.

• What makes them finally quit?
• what, exactly, would make them feel as though you are "slipping away?

You're divorced, and never speak.  You have nothing to keep you connected, other than alimony payments.

So what, exactly, would make them feel as though you are "slipping away?"  i.e., how does the scenario that I've just described not qualify as full-on 'SLIPPED' away?!"

Slipping away is  internal, so it is personal, emotional and mental, not about the external conditions.
Slipping away is about the LBS giving up their Stand and no longer wanting a relationship or reconciliation with the MLCer. It has nothing to do with a legal decision or even whether there is contact. THOUGH those things can lead the LBS to doing that—slipping away.
As for what makes the MLCer quit—quit wanting to return I assume—finally give it up once or if they may realize that is what they want?
You’ve had some excellent answers in this regard. Not all of them ever wanted to or will want to return. Some will accept it is not an option if their LBS is not open to it, though they will live with regrets. Some will live with regrets without wanting to return—either wishing they had ended things more appropriately or that things had not ended and repairs had been made…but it’s too late now.

About my Knowings and Intuition
People keep referring to gut feelings. This is not uncommon, but not accurate regarding my experience either. Though some did come as literal feelings in my gut, I would not describe the Knowing itself as a gut feelings.
I had two BIG Knowings and multiple small ones—a few were reminders of the original BIG Knowing. The second BIG Knowing was different, I will not discuss that one right now.
My Knowing was a physical feeling of gentle waves washing over my body paired with a message that things would be fine—that pairing is important. The feeling was one of peace and the physical waves lasted 30 – 60 seconds (so that was the duration of the Knowing). I had to interpret the meaning, did things would be fine mean in general, regardless of reconciliation? I knew things would be fine for me without reconciliation and did not need a Knowing to tell me that, so I interpreted it as my marriage would survive. For the next 3 – 6 months after that I had mini reminders—a very brief (1 to 3 seconds) wave of peace wash over me.
Now about the gut feelings… I did not recognize these as Knowings until I’d had several and the outcomes had been consistent. At first, I thought I was just having panic attacks paired with the wishful thinking I was always having. The gut feeling was the physiological symptoms of a panic or anxiety attack, but they seemed to come on suddenly and without my having the panic in my head—heart rate increased, stomach flutters and often a sense of urgency to get home. The message in my head was usually that Chuck would be at home when I arrived—this was what I thought was just my wishful thinking. He’d recently moved out and was not expected to be there, but every single time I had the gut feelings with that message, he was there. The incident that got me to trust and believe was when I was visiting with my mom 100 miles away and got a sudden and urgent feeling as communion began that I had to leave and go home NOW. I took communion and left immediately, drove 100 miles and Chuck was standing on the porch. I got home in the 5 minute space of time he was there. It was the morning after the affair became physical and the alienator was there waiting in the car. The experience of looking great and seeing her was empowering for me and I know it was a Knowing that got me there, that meeting was supposed to happen, though it was brief.
My intuition was not some thing that was just always there and I knew he’d come home. The intuitive experiences that let me know—feel certain—he would come home were isolated experiences of brief periods. My certainty was based on those AND on the evidence that followed: Chuck consistently showed an interest in me and in returning home. His interest was so clear that others interpreted it as I did—our marriage was clearly not doomed and not over.

My Knowing gave me the freedom to do my Mirror Work. Mego, it seems you are using your Knowing for the opposite: you know he will return, so you don’t need to worry about things, therefore you don’t need to do the work. This makes me think of that joke about the person in an emergency (say a flood) who gets a message from God that he will rescue them. They wait on top of the roof of their house for rescue and refuse the help of three different services offering rescue. When they get to heaven they complain to God that he promised to rescue them and did not do it. What does God say? I sent you the Red Cross, then the police boat, then your neighbors…and you wouldn’t go with any of them! Your Mirror Work is how God will fulfill the promise of your intuition.

[OldPilot]

I had read somewhere previously that everyone goes through a "life cycle" every 7 to 10 years.  So this quote stuck out to me:

Stayed's H' return was fairly quick (short time with OW) but it took a long time before truly reconciled.   
RCR's H's return were many, to and fro claiming he wanted RCR but still had OW and the whole thing took several years....   Barbie's H's return may have been quick (yet again short time with OW) but it has been a very turbulent time for her and still not settled.

Yes, their returns seemed quick but the total time of settling down would likely be closer to the 7 year mark.  Those who go through seemingly deeper or stronger crises might take two full cycles.  Interesting thought...

I quickly hopped on the Google to see if I could locate the article I had read but found this, which I think sums stuff up pretty well. 

https://www.yourtango.com/2018313160/how-your-mind-body-changes-every-7-years

I'll just copy a few relevant parts here... (if i'm not allowed, I apologize in advance)

42-49 years:
This is the stage when major changes in our lives take place. We self-introspect and take major turns be it in career or relationships. If we haven’t made any mark in life already, we try to achieve it at this age. Emotional love is more of an unconditional love now but a lot of us tend to retain that emotional age of a child. This is the age we start discarding stereotypes and believing in ourselves.

49-56 years:
This is the age of spiritual awakening. With the loss of our strength and vitality, we look inwards. We accept the changes in our bodies. For the ones who haven’t realized who they are and what’s their purpose in life, this age is the age of extreme depression.

56-63 years:
This is the age of accepting inner peace and embrace tranquillity in life. There’s a great shift in adjusting to our aging bodies, our relationships and our changing perceptions of the world around us.

Now this is what we all deal with so imagine someone who somehow missed gaining the "tools" needed to deal with this types of upheavals along the way. 

I could ramble on, but I think I'll stop here

Here is a book I read on this subject.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=100.msg14949#msg14949

Understanding Men's Passages by Gail Sheehy.
I just finished this book.
I enjoyed this one as it goes into explanations of different periods of a mans life.
A little bit of his twenties, thirties,more in depth on 40's,50's,60's and beyond.
It has some funny anecdotes on each stage.

There is some mention of women in the book, but  it would be nice to read a similar book on women's passages.

One thing it did say is men live longer if they are married!
Also that the older that men get the smaller the life expectancy age gap is between men and women.

I would suggest this book if you want to know more about this subject,
this author is very good with it.

[Mortesbride]

I disagree with "trying to make our mark in life."  All I ever wanted in life to be was a singer.  Well DUH, that can never happen.....thanx, MLC!  I can barely get a sentence out now......

Why can't it? If you want it you can make it happen. But it would take a lot of hard work and drive...anything we want we can go for. Only YOU can hold you back.

Your intuition may be accurate, but within the right circumstances. My Knowing did not guarantee reconciliation. I always knew I could opt out simply by choosing to or by failing to progress and grow—not doing my own Mirror Work. For that Knowing to be realized I had things required of me, and you are not doing those things.

Absolutely 100 percent this.

I think one of the ''Mr J's'' from lawproffessor (the friend?) wanted to return home, but his wife had not changed...she was stuck in LBS purgatory...so HE decided he could not reconcile with her because SHE had not done any mirror work.

The decision to want to return is the MLCers, not yours. The decision to accept or allow a return is the LBSs.

This is absolutely true, and when they decide to try and return...they got to see something worth returning to.

[lawprofessor]

Yes, Morte, that's my J.  Just a couple months ago J's wife called J.  She was crying.  She said she NEEDED him and asked him if she could move in with him.  (Nevermind it's my house🙄).  She went into great detail how they could recreate the life they had and how she still loved him and was always STANDING for their marriage, how she KNEW always they would get back together. 

He sadly and slowly just shook his head no.  He told her he isn't the same man that he was but she she is still the same little girl he left. 

She screamed, "you promised to always love me and take care of me."

He replied, "yes, and I did.  We were so young and you never grew up with me". 

She being very literal minded replied, "Of course I grew up.  I'm 54 for God's sake. 

He replied, "Yes, you've gotten older.  We both have.  But you haven't grown up emotionally.  You still think I need to take care of you instead of the two of us being partners.  The kids are long grown.  You wanted to be a SAH mom.  And you were.  But who are you now?  You have no job, no interests, no hopes and dreams other than that I come home and take care of you.  You sit all day and night watching television and have nothing to say other than about something about a movie or TV show.  You keep telling everyone what you can't do because your "sick".  Look I know you have xxx and I'm sorry about that but you are still waiting for someone to take care of you.  I was your husband not your father. 

She screamed, "You don't know what I do all day.  I do daughters laundry and cook for her.  I drive her to appointments."

"Hmmm daughter is 22.  You've made sure daughter is still dependent on you.  And that's why she ran away with the first man who'd have her.  You are smothering the life out of her by not allowing her to grow up."

Screaming, "Daughter still needs me."

"You still scream so you don't have to hear what others are saying to you.  You still have a big mouth, and nothing but anger and emotional outbursts when you don't get your way.  It's pathetic and boringly predictable.  You're just the same spoiled brat I married."

Screaming, "I am not!!!!  I'm standing and fighting for our marriage".

J, shaking his head, "Yes you are.  You can stand for our marriage all you want.  Hell, sit down for our marriage.  You must be tired after all these years.  Standing doesn't me anything when you won't stand and fight for yourself.  I'm done.  Peace is more important. And honey you are not peace."

This is why Mego's thread is so irritating.  She acts just like J's wife. 
Angry
All mouth
Refuses to look at herself and do mirror work
Stuck in promises of the past
Sees blame everywhere but in herself
More excuses and justifications than the criminals I work with.
Mouth runs constantly
Negative thought patterns
Ego
Hard headed and stubborn
Cherry picks answers rather than listening, dismissive.

So no need to waste my time here. I've already wasted too much time with the Illinois version of you.  And I'm not the one who has patience for mouthy girls anymore.

Lp

[UrsaMajor]

This thread has reached the posting limit and has gone off-topic. Therefore it is locked. Thanks.