[OffRoad]

Tyks, there are times when I wonder if my ex will ever remember the good times. And then I (in effect) sober up and realize it doesn't actually matter. What matters is what I remember. I can't change the past, I can't change what my MLCER thinks, so for me, wondering if he ever thinks of me fondly is a poor use of whatever time I have left on this planet.

But for you, if you knew he thought of you fondly, what would that change for you? Would it change your stand, or lack thereof? Would it change how you think of him? Would it change how you think of you?  Would there be a benefit to you if you knew that?  I'm simply curious as to if this might be a benefit to know.

[BrenM]

Tyks I Understand perfectly what you are questioning and believe that every single one of us LBS ask ourselves the same question regularly.  The fact is that you cannot rewrite history...you can try but reality is reality.  Photos and memories will always exist, and revisiting these will always reveal the truth.

My counsellor has asked me about my memories of my children's childhood.  Yes there were days when I could've literally killed them for their behaviour.but what do I remember?   Of course, the numerous happy, joyous, proud moments involving laughter and loving precious moments. These are the memories that are instilled in my automatic memory bank....the same would apply to our MLCers. 

[ChrissYAH]

I'm curious how many lbsers of vanishers believe that the vanishers ever remember us with fondness? He's been on my mind lately wondering if he is truly happy. Not sure why because I am usually too filled with anger to care lol

Im like u Tykes I want to overcome the anger about it all, the other day the loon spoke to my oldest girl, he told her that he's 2 main goals in life are wait for it ' TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULL AND TO MAKE HIS KIDS HAPPY'!!! seriously very ill, very nearly had his kids thrown out in the st but wants to make them happy anyway, go figure.

[Rising Phoenix]

I do sometimes wonder if he thinks of me and our children and he prob does but for me, whether he does or he doesn’t, it doesn’t change his decisions or the outcome. Xx

[ChrissYAH]

True Rising, the irreversible damage is done, its irrelevant to me whether he thinks of his x family or not, as for me Im never going back to that, Ive met someone and have moved on.

[nah]

Even though many of us have similar circumstances (long seemingly good marriage, husband acts weird then runs...) there are also differences...

Mine was a almost instant vanisher.  Yes, he was emotionally abusive to me for a few years before he left but most of my memories are very good.  We had 25+ years of being true partners, laughter and love, vacations, holidays, raising a family, etc... too many memories to list.

As the divorce was going on, so much drama and hurt, most of the hurt was him moving on so quickly like I didn't matter.

Now it's over five years since he left.  It wasn't easy at first but over time the good memories, for me, very much outweigh the bad.  For him, in the early days he often accused me of things like being really good at making HIM feel guilty.  We all know that his guilt were b/c of his actions, not my words, but that's how he felt.

Now?

I really truly feel he tries not to think of it BUT... thirty years, thirty years is the entire time our kids were growing up, his twenties, thirties, most of his forties,... all with me. What were his bad memories? 

Oh yeah, the fear of getting old.  Has that fear subsided now that another birthday is coming up?  Can he talk about that fear with his barely 30 year old Mrs-tress?

The good (or bad, your choice) of having a vanisher is we get to choose which memories to focus on.  They aren't in front of us still heaping daily emotional abuse. So what do we want to remember? Why would it be any different for them?

I think even the memories are a choice.

[Treasur]

I agree with Nah
I can choose to enjoy my good memories when they pop up
I suspect my xh cannot so he loses 20 years of his own life, just wiped out and impossible to enjoy
Guess he better hope the next 20 are worth it!

[Tyks]

Thanks.  OR, you are so right.  It doens't matter as it would not benefit me in any way.  I would never ever go back to him after he treated me the way he did.  I may have been able to forgive an ow but I cannot forgive the disrespect and disregard that he has shown over and over again.

Thanks everyone for your perspectives

[Ausgatorgirl]

Had a registered letter from my vanisher‘s Lawyer wanting me to sign dual lodging of our divorce papers as this is ”better” for him (australia). I don’t know why.

Sent to my old address registered post （my sisters address so she collected）where I was living in April so he does not know I am no longer there... last spoke to him was Nov 2017 via phone. No contact from him or me. Adult children also don’t hear from him.

Financial split done and granted by court earlier this year. I’ve had phone calls and emails from his L which I choose to ignore. His divorce, he can lodge. I’ve sacked my useless lawyers so unless he does it solo, I’m not responding.

 Just over 12 months from BD after 34 years marriage. I’m feeling strangely fine...

The silence is golden and life is good！

[OffRoad]

I’m feeling strangely fine...

Good for you!  Weird, isn't it? When it first happened I was devastated. And now I am also strangely fine.

Why would dual lodging work better for him, anyway? (not that you care, I'm just curious). The financials are already done, what does it matter?