[Treasur]

I suspect you'll ignore what I say but I'll give it a last shot because i think you are making things worse for you and your son, mego, and on HS we want every LBS to survive and heal and reclaim their life.

Of course you feel angry.
But EVERY TIME you SHOW your anger to your xh, HE WINS.
Because he doesn't care how you feel or what you think.
Because it feeds his justifications for behaving like a PoS.
Most of all, because it is a bit of narcissistic supply that makes him feel strong and you look weak.
Is that what you want?

Not all of us feel anger, but plenty do and if that's how you feel, that's how you feel.
The trick is to use the energy of that anger in ways that actually serve you.
The determination to build a better life as a big FU. The energy to be brave and proud and do new things. The passion to be fitter, stronger and more independent. The skill of learning how to manage your own emotions and responses when life or people pi$$ you off. The courage to accept that these things have happened to you and screaming outrage about it won't change the facts of it. The wisdom to know that the longer you stay angry at him/them you are giving them control over you and space in your life that can be used for better things. The strength to make your son's life and emotional wellbeing more important than your anger.

It is your choice, of course, but the responses from others here are a gift of walking in your shoes and the painful lessons seen with hindsight. If all you need is a cheerleading squad of 'go girl' for your rage, while we get it, you're not likely to find much of that here. We want YOU to win, not to stay stuck feeding the crazy bad folks.

[megogirl]

You are still living in the early 90s. This is NOT a TV program like 90210 and it is clear you are really hung up on that because of the way you use a zip code to refer to your H's location.

I can see why you would think that.  Alas, that isn't true.

WE have referred to H's hometown with only a zip code for many years.  Has nothing to do with "90210."

For the record, I acted out scenes from "90210" over 22 years ago.  So if anyone believes they're on "90210" now it's H, acting out his adventure, and believing he's in a movie/tv show/whatever.

[megogirl]

It is your choice, of course, but the responses from others here are a gift of walking in your shoes and the painful lessons seen with hindsight. If all you need is a cheerleading squad of 'go girl' for your rage, while we get it, you're not likely to find much of that here. We want YOU to win, not to stay stuck feeding the crazy bad folks

Thanx, Treasur

And I know I won't get a cheerleading squad.  I am aware....it's just that sometimes I just SNAP.

And maybe I'm half-hoping that little bits of guilt/truth darts might get stuck somewhere in his subconscious.  That in the back of his thick, MLC-fogged skull, he's absorbed some of what I've said.

But my pockets of anger definitely aren't planned.  But I'm trying my damnedest to take the high road, most of the time at least.

[Treasur]

It's hard, mego, I know.
All we can do is keep trying to pull our focus back to what serves US now, and we all fall over and then get up again, we all have those snap moments when we say or do things we wish we hadn't.

It was inconceivable to me that my h simply did not care what I thought, felt or what happened to me. But it was real. For me it was a relief to get to the point where I would open my mouth and then go, no, File under F for Futile, just wasting my breath. No Truth Darts would work bc he simply did not care.
I used to walk a lot having mad muttering conversations with him in my head LOL
Still find it weird actually after 20 years that the h who used to love and like me so much became this...but I felt better when I stopped trying to talk to crazy. And stronger when I stepped off his rollercoaster.

Keep going - it does get easier as we start to see it in the rear view mirror.

[BrenM]

MG we all understand...we know exactly where you are coming from as we have all been there. 

Just be conscious of what we are all saying with future encounters....breathe....come on here and vent if you have to...no one on here will judge.....write your reply on a piece of paper - vent get your inner feelings out....then burn it.   Put H's photo on a boxing bag and let loose.  No more LOOSE CANON Megogirl in front of Husband.  Ok? You need to get control of YOU again.  You can do it....we all know you can. 


 I love the rule of 3 rule before responding....it does work. 

[megogirl]

No more LOOSE CANON Megogirl in front of Husband.

Well, that's a laugh!

Because I never actually SEE his sorry ass.  Well, I faced him in court, but that was *only* because I walked straight up to him and uttered a single sentence. 

If I offer anything, it's strictly over text....

[Onward]

MGG, I doubt very much that your XH receives your communication, no matter how it is transmitted, as an 'offering'.

Hi! I’ve been away from the forum for a while and not posting much. But this discussion is like a bad car accident.  Even though every fibre of my being says don’t engage, it is hard to look away.

I’m not sure I have ever seen a discussion where someone has so persistently deflected so many compassionate corrections.

MGG, if I am reading your profile correctly, your BD was fall of 2013?
And XH left more than 2 years ago?
I'm sorry for the hurt that you feel. We have all been there.
But as Brenross said, this is a long time to carry so much anger.

You've made it really clear you are standing. And you’ve said that you hope some of your ‘truth darts’ actually get through to your X, so I’m going to go out on a limb and use the same strategy.

By the end of this post, you may not like me very much.
If you don’t, that’s great, because that is the point I am trying to make. 

There’s a fine line between ‘truth dart’ and blame. Or sarcasm. Or snark. People tend not to like it much when we cross it. People don't much like being preached at, either.

Even though there is nothing specific an LBS can do to effect a spouse's return, there is a lot an LBS can do to torpedo the possibility.

MGG, many people have been telling you both gently and directly that your compulsion to stick it to your xH is not going to get you what you say you want. And maybe that's it. What you say you want might not be what you actually want at all.

I have some questions for you to reflect on.
I am not asking you to answer them.
Only suggesting you think about them.
And I’m not asking you anything I haven’t asked the woman in my own mirror.

What are you standing for?
 
Can you identify reasons for your stand in addition to your vow?
Are you standing because you love your H?
And your family?
And believe in what was good in your marriage?
Or are you standing out of defiance? To make an example of your XH for breaking his? 
It's important to know, because standing is a way of being. It isn’t a virtue badge one wears to amplify a spouse's scarlet letter.

You wrote that you despised his family for 17 years. You also wrote that your X said one of the reasons he left was because you didn't like his family.
So far, you’ve insisted on proving him right, so it’s hard to imagine your stand includes wanting the ILs back.

Do you really want to restore your marriage?
If you do, are you willing to do what it takes?
Because right now, you are the only one who wants it.
So you are going to have to do the heavy lifting.
Is that 'fair'? No.
But for now, it is what it is.

When patient LBS’s are prefacing their advice with ‘not that I think you will listen, but I’ll give it one more try’, that’s a pretty clear message you aren't ready to even hear what it takes, let alone do what it takes.

My own experience tells me you are in danger of putting your son in a position where he finds it preferable to be / live with his dad because it is difficult to manage the internal conflict created by your immaturity...such as calling him out for spending time with his father, his family, and his father's new p.......erson.

Newsflash: Your X’s OP is not a prostitute. Or a hooker. 
Just stop with that.
I get that you are angry, and why.
I really do.
But, it does nothing positive for you when you communicate that to others.
Quite the opposite.
You admire the work of RCR – you may want to read her posts regarding how name calling the OP diminishes the LBS.

Why should his family ostracize him, or the OP? 
And why would you intrude on his family Thanksgiving dinner?
Your behaviour confirms to all of them that he is lucky to have escaped crazy X who has no self control.
Case in point, the niece dropping you like a hot potato.

I wouldn’t bring the remainder of this up, except you have referred to the Bible many times, so I assume you are interested in what it has to say. Particularly as it relates to marriage. (Though it actually says a lot more about love, forgiveness, and reconciling relationships.)
(For anyone reading along of a different faith tradition, or no faith tradition, feel free to skip ahead because oddly enough, the Bible stuff doesn't apply to people who don't follow the Bible  ).

MGG, you've studied this so you know that Jesus, when asked, said that divorce was not part of God's plan. Instead, Mosaic law allowed divorce due to people's hardened hearts.

Your X’s heart is hardened, for sure.
But what about the state of your own heart?

If you are going to use the Bible to guide your stand, why not start with the Gospels. Particularly the part about removing the plank from one’s own eye before trying to pluck the speck from another.
That is the basis of the mirror work RCR has written about. 

Yes, adultery is a sin. But sexual sin isn’t a super sin. You can comb through both Old and New Testaments but you won't find any direct link between committing adultery and going to hell.
It’s just not there. 
God definitely corrects, even condemns, sinners.
But the Scriptures run a little short on the details regarding how. 
Despite the popular "you're going to hell" that people like to toss about like anti-pixie dust, the actual answer is beyond our pay grade.

Is adultery wrong? Yes.
Not honouring your father and your mother is also wrong.
It comes even higher on the list than adultery, but after keeping the Sabbath.
Not that we're counting.

As far as I can tell marriage brings families together so the FIL/MIL part counts just the same.
You may want to check your own ticket for the train to H.E.Double Toothpicks for not upholding that particular directive.
You will be seated in the car ahead of your husband.
But after all of the Sunday shoppers.

Re: your son's Thanksgiving dinner.
It is worth remembering that Jesus himself broke bread far more often with prostitutes and sinners (which had to include adulterers because there are so many of them) than he did with self-righteous Pharisees.
If it was OK for Jesus to hang out with prostitutes, your son is following a pretty good example.
In fact, Jesus dining regularly with sinners is what ticked the holier-than-thou Pharisees off enough to plot to kill Him.
Ironic.

The comforting thing is, the overarching theme of the Bible is God’s on-going effort to reconcile Himself to his people, despite their tendency to continually abandon, hurt and disappoint Him.
And, it's a compelling view on just how much he was willing to sacrifice, ie: His Son, in order to reconcile with the people He loves.
Which are all the people.
All. The. People.

It is easy enough to condemn someone with sound-bite scripture.  Taking to heart actual passages like Proverbs 14:1; 14:29; 15:31 and 16:32 is quite a lot harder. Believe me, I have been on this journey myself.

I’m sorry you are going through this awful experience, MGG, I really am.
You may not have had any control over your XH’s choices and actions.

But you have full control over how you respond.
It's up to you to take it.

[Not Applicable]

It was inconceivable to me that my h simply did not care what I thought, felt or what happened to me. But it was real. For me it was a relief to get to the point where I would open my mouth and then go, no, File under F for Futile, just wasting my breath. No Truth Darts would work bc he simply did not care.

I agree. Truth darts DON'T work and actually are counterproductive. And in the big picture of things, do not have any effect. I'm not saying telling the truth isn't sometimes necessary, but it should be your own personal truth, not silly general stuff like, "Adultery is a sin." If that was something that mattered to the MLCer, then they wouldn't be doing what they are doing anyway.

[Treasur]

I think, with hindsight, that finding our own boundaries and using them is OUR biggest and most useful version of a truth dart. And much more productive for us.

[megogirl]

Can you identify reasons for your stand in addition to your vow?
Are you standing because you love your H?
And your family?
And believe in what was good in your marriage?
Or are you standing out of defiance? To make an example of your XH for breaking his? 

Actually, all of the above. 

Because I'm Standing for S15 - and I hope to make lemonade out of lemons/this whole nightmare.  Per RCR: "Do you want to teach your children that relationships are not always easy, but they can be healed?"  And if the Greatest Biblical Lesson Ever comes by the way of exposing his Scarlet Letter, so be it.

Marriage is a physical, emotional and spiritual covenant that God expects to be permanent.  He joins a man and woman together.  It isn't merely some legal arrangement or relationships of convenience.   It is a bond created and sealed by the God of the universe.  And Jesus said, "Let no man separate."  Those powerful words pack a serious warning.

With that being said, OW IS a prostitute.  She is only with H now, after he's lost significant weight, AND makes over $300k per year.  Cha-Ching! 

Sorry, but that's a hooker.  (Conversely, I was with H when he was obese, and made next to nothing.) 

Lest we downplay said affair - and I feel it was, by defending OW - I quote David Clarke, PHD: "Marriage is so important to God that is you break it for unacceptable reasons, He hates you.  This may sound harsh and uncharacteristic of God, but that is how holy the institution of marriage is to Him.
An affair is one of the most vicious attacks possible on a marriage.  The only thing worse would be your H trying to kill you physically.  He has certainly killed your marriage and just about killed you emotionally by being with another woman.  Adultery strikes at the very heart of a marriage because it destroys the oneness God has created.  Sexual purity is an essential part of a healthy marriage: 'Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge'" - Heb.13:4)   

Sooo.....right there.  Pretty dang clear!

I do think your post was very intelligent.  We just agree to disagree.     

p.s. Adultery breaks FIVE of the Ten Commandments.  FIVE!  And, that includes dishonoring your parents.....

p.p.s.  My BD was October 2016.