We've never responded to a comment we didn't like by saying "Shoo fly, shoo."
Yeah, that *wasn't* sarcasm.
That was just getting irritated one too many times.....
Whatever you want to call it, please don't equate it with being a New Englander. I'm from New England. My friends and family are from New England. The only other New Englander I know who would behave like that is my MLC H, who is...well, he's an MLCer.
It's not a New England trait. It's you. And this response in itself is a very good illustration of you absolutely refusing to take responsibility for yourself or your actions. Which is pretty much step 1 in the mirror work handbook.
When someone irritates you, as an adult human being with empathy and years of experience behind you and just simple good old decent behavior, you are perfectly within your rights to speak your truth. Say that you feel unheard. Say that you feel misunderstood. Say you are irritated and give your reasons why.
You also might look at what they said and try to understand where they are coming from. You might say you respect their right to have their opinion and then counter with your own opinion if it differs. Have a dialog. Or if you don't want to have a dialog, simply move on.
To say something like "shoo, fly, shoo" is just one example of you being rude and really childish. And more than that, it's
dismissive. Which happens to be a behavior that is probably a huge trigger for a lot of LBSs on here, since MLCers are so dismissive and refuse to hear us, especially immediately after BD. I can almost guarantee your MLCer was dismissive like that to you and I can almost guarantee it made you feel all kinds of things that were not good.
I even tried to direct this thread back to the question you claimed you wanted input on in your first post and you still managed to veer it back to justifying your behavior (and managing yet another "the OW is a hooker" in the process).
We get it. You hate your H's OW. I'm not so freaking fond of my H's OW either. But there is SO MUCH truth in the statement that you give her more power if you dwell on her existence. And right now, due in part to you, your H's OW is Cersei Lannister sitting on the Iron Throne. She's feeding off your anger, whether you know it or not, whether you admit it or not.
Many people have chimed in and talked about how hard it is to remain silent in the face of such hurtful actions. "Patience is a virtue" is a saying for a reason. It's your choice if you want to keep shooting off barbed insults and moral platitudes to your H. But again, at least take ownership of your choice and don't try to claim it's some kind of New England regional idiosyncrasy. It's not.
But your question was how do you respond to naysayers. Well, I'd argue that in your case, those naysayers are probably
really confused. You're seething with anger and spewing nasty statements about people paying in the afterlife and wanting people to die in fires, and yet
you're standing for your marriage. I think any clear thinking person would see the rigid dichotomy between your searing hatred and your hope for a restored marriage and be utterly perplexed.
And as one last thought, you said:
Your stand can't even be based solely on the fact that you share a son.
I beg to differ......
I Stand for our family unit that he is trying so desperately to demolish. And bringing home some lowlife slime ball is only aiding and abetting in doing just that.
See, neither he, nor she, gets a free pass from me, Standing-Not Standing-whatever.
But hey, I didn't call her a prostitute, either!
a) I stood for quite some time and many others are standing who don't have any children. I completely respect wanting children to have a solid family unit. I completely respect wanting the LBchildren to learn lessons in patience and compassion and the unconditionals.
So I'll say again, your son is watching. And hearing. Your anger, your sarcasm, your insults...they are all born of hurt, and we ALL get that. But if you don't get a handle on it, it's only going to hurt you more. Your MLCer and the OW right now don't care and it's not hurting them. It's hurting you.
b) actually, you called her a prostitute on Ready's thread. And heck, I don't really care, you can call her whatever you darn well please. But she didn't act alone, she didn't hold a gun to his head, and the advice to read the article on misdirected anger at the OW is good and you'd benefit from taking it.
The anger is warranted. It's a stage that we all have to go through, but if you get stuck there, no one benefits, least of all you.
So in summary, here's my response to the actual question you posed in this discussion thread - and it's pretty circular: You don't have to tell anyone you're standing. It's your choice. But if you do and you come across naysayers, they are likely to be confused as to why you are saying you're standing for something that clearly has you so enraged and disgusted.
Which brings us right back to getting a handle on the anger.
Author
Topic: 
What now?