[FearNot]

I learned that love is an action, not a feeling. I learned a lot. As much of a cliche as it sounds, I let go and let God. Proverbs 3:5-6 became my mantra and I saw it and heard it everywhere.

   It took me awhile to really understand that love wasn't just a feeling. We choose to love and it was difficult to come to terms with the idea that H said he no longer loved me. In reality my Fathers love is all that really matters. The more I come to understand that, the more I understand the action of love.


Like others, I initially was praying for an outcome due to the desperation, the hurt, the fear, not even knowing what to even really pray for or how to pray. As the time has passed my prayers have changed, I have changed, my relationship with God has changed. I pray for H's salvation, protection, God's will, peace, strength and many other things. I learned my prayers don't have to be a beautiful drawn out diatribe, some days just a few words are all I could utter and all that was needed. My prayer is no longer solely focused on my marriage and my H, and I still have a lot to learn. It took me a long time to realize that I couldn't "pray this away" if you get what I mean. What I did realize over time and turning to my faith is how many prayers big and small have been answered. Sometimes I feel or hear very clearly the path that I should follow and other times there is the silence. I had to learn to be in that silence and that silence from Him is not punishment, He's still there!!

The one thing that really sticks out for me is that I chose the name FearNot a couple days after BD for this site. Since then the verse  Isaiah 43:1 "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine" has shown up more times than I can even count. The one thing I struggled with immensely was just the "fear" I had for my situation, for my H, for myself, for the future. Fear was a very dominant and visceral thing for me in this and I find it so interesting with my chosen handle, the verse over and over, right down to a plaque that was given to me by my mom last August. It was my Grandmothers, and had been in a box since she passed 37 year ago. She came across it and thought I might like it. Has no idea how it related to me. Now I  have that plaque in view everyday and I have the version of the verse from the plaque tattooed on my foot. "Fear not...thou art mine" to remind me daily who's I am, where I belong  This verse has brought such comfort to me to know that I am His, and I really do not have anything to fear.

I still have a lot to learn, and a lot of growing to do in my faith, but the one thing I understand, but still struggle with is truly giving up that control. Some days are better than others. Learning to just let it rest within His hands, leave my H in his hands and stop wasting my energy trying to orchestrate the outcome. That's some tough stuff to let go of for a control freak, but I'm learning.

If nothing else the one thing I gained from this was my relationship with Him, because I had set that aside while being with my H as a non believer, and in the end...I have gained more than I have lost.

We all have our own views of faith, higher power, our beliefs etc, and it's awesome that we can all share, co exist and support each other.

[Standing Strong]

One thing I'm learning (and it will be a long road) is to be still. Oh man.... the depth of this. To be still in the mind and in heart.... crazy. I know he'll teach me, but I don't think it'll be an easy lesson..... actually now that I think about it, none of these lessons are easy 

No guarantees, no specific outcomes except that in the end we will be better and changed.

I'm reading a book on prayer and hope to become a fiery cauldron of prayer.

One thing I'm curious about is.... we're all praying for our MLC'er.... that's a given. I've been reading about intercessory prayer and that's happened a couple times in my life. Has anyone been awoken in the night or stopped in their tracks to pray for their MLC'er? If you did...... did you ever find out what for?

I had an experience last night where I had asked God to allow me to intercede for W, if I'd be allowed to and if I could handle it...... a little while later while still praying I felt something that wasn't of me, and it was a pain..... real pain and deep sadness, sorrow even.... right in the center of my being. I know it was my spirit, and I'm not sure what it was connecting to. W in that moment? Something happening? I don't know. I wasn't led to pray for anything in particular in that moment, but it was.... something. After I grieved the feeling for a min or two, it was withdrawn from me.
I don't know if that counts for interceding as I wasn't led to pray for something or someone..... but it was real, and it was powerful.

-SS

[Slow Fade]

I don't know if that counts for interceding as I wasn't led to pray for something or someone..... but it was real, and it was powerful.

This is amazing Standing. Gave me goosebumps. You know, the Spirit does intercede for us when we don't have the words.......... 

[Jackolar12]

My life has become like the trials of Job, anyone else have this feeling ? At first I used to ask God for reconciliation daily but I kept getting “remove the dross from the silver so the silversmith can do his work”.i guess he has a greater calling for me eventually when my trials end.

I’m leaving it in his hands now and just endeavour to persevere each day until I get where I’m supposed to be in His great plan. From my perspective if my former wife truly loved me she would not have betrayed me through MLC, Menopause, Satanic Possession, Alien Abduction or whatever label fits the situation as she was a Christian woman (allegedly). The whole experience has left me exasperated and fearful of future relationships, but my faith is rock solid.

[Slow Fade]

The whole experience has left me exasperated and fearful of future relationships, but my faith is rock solid.

Amen Brother.

[Standing Strong]

I would LOVE to pray with MLC W.......

They can't feel anything..... how can you not feel God? I think it's impossible.

Just a thought.

-SS

[Treasur]

Most MLCers for whom faith was important before seem to reject God too.
I think i remember my then h - when he was still flailing and talking a bit - saying he went to sit in a church, could feel there was peace there but couldn't reach it, that it was all a con and that he no longer believed in God bc God no longer believed in him.
And this was someone who before his crisis sang in a church choir and was exploring if he had a vocation to be a vicar....
I have no idea if he has set foot in a church since. His new marriage was a handfasting civil ceremony.

Ironically my faith became much stronger and more real to me as I stumbled through this crisis and I am grateful for that.

[Standing Strong]

Oh I forgot to share..... I go to church on Saturday nights (very convenient) and this last Saturday I was driving to church and talking to God.

I asked God what the most important feature of a woman is....... let me explain why I asked this: I was having some doubt, some fear..... the same that everyone has..... what if this MLC takes too long? What if they don't come out at all? What if they choose to not go back with you? What then? How long until giving up.... I don't want to give up..... 5 years? I'd be 47.... is that too old? What if it's 10 and then I find out it's not happening? You know, monkey-brain and the realities of MLC. The tough questions.

Anyway..... God answered right away: "Righteousness: A Godly woman".
Wow. I always valued that, but I hadn't put it into perspective. I then began thinking about W...... and how she is/was a Godly woman. I found myself reaffirming that I want to stand, no matter the outcome (but really wanting her to return of course).

That night the sermon was about dating and who you should choose to be your H or W....... the #1 thing the minister said was to look for righteousness in a potential spouse.
Now put it into perspective.... at my church, they are generally middle age or older and they're all married. It was really weird to see a message like this being preached to that audience.
I know it was for me.

While I struggle with letting go, and try to figure out HOW to do so.... I'm not alone. I pray my W doesn't fall into temptation..... and I pray God leads her out of the tunnel.
What a trying time which is yet to come.... but I know I'm not alone.

-SS

[Standing Strong]

Most MLCers for whom faith was important before seem to reject God too.
I think i remember my then h - when he was still flailing and talking a bit - saying he went to sit in a church, could feel there was peace there but couldn't reach it, that it was all a con and that he no longer believed in God bc God no longer believed in him.
And this was someone who before his crisis sang in a church choir and was exploring if he had a vocation to be a vicar....
I have no idea if he has set foot in a church since. His new marriage was a handfasting civil ceremony.

Ironically my faith became much stronger and more real to me as I stumbled through this crisis and I am grateful for that.

I know what you mean Treasur,
My MIL hasn't gone back to church since she MLC'ed 30 years ago. Avoids it like the plague...... which now that I think about it, is really really fascinating. When I met her for the 1st time (oh boy... I was 19... LOL, how time flies) I asked to go somewhere with her.... just me and her. No OM (she was married to him at the time) no Pre-W. This really took her by surprise but she went with me. We had a great talk, and we prayed together.... that really shocked her. She's loved me ever since. She calls me "her son, her son" and "her favorite son". Each time I see her, we have what she calls "our date".... which is weird but endearing. When I see her in AUG, I'm going to make sure we pray again.

My W now doesn't want to go to church now and hasn't since BD #1..... that has me very worried for her. She explained at BD #1 "She doesn't want anyone putting thoughts in her head about how she should live.... she has enough of that already". I remember thinking that was so sad... and disbelief that it was coming out of her mouth. Amazing how the core of a person is shaken to its very foundations during MLC (and uprooted). No matter what happens to me, the most important thing is W not turning from God. I'm expendable.

-SS

[Treasur]

My friend, you have to let go and let God pick up his relationship with your w too. Her rejection of church is not uncommon...actually it is very textbook according to the Conway book from years ago, the rebellion and rejection of God, spouse, job and body....but it isn't yours to fix is it? You may not agree with her, but this is how your w feels right now, it is her reality. Concentrate on your faith and pray for her by all means...but let God pick up all the stuff beyond your pay grade bc he knows the truth of your w's heart and soul in a way that none of us can. As LBS, we have enough to do looking after our own side of the street