[Thunder]

I agree with that, trust.

I just wonder if some of them do in fact feel the remorse but don't deal with it.  Don't act on it.
Maybe they just push it aside, or put it somewhere where they don't have to deal with it to start their brand new life.

I sure don't know.  If you find anything on it by RCR, let us know.

I would logically think they would at least acknowledge the pain they have caused and apologize.
Recovering alcoholics do it all the time.

[OldPilot]

I do believe once they are out of replay, they can never go back to what it once was.  They can try but that chapter is over with.  The door is closed.

Not sure I agree, certainly HB writes that the door closes once they go through acceptance not at the end of each stage.
So the real question is if in the limbo - depression circle/cycle that Albatross is writing about if that is indeed the end of replay or just a morphing into some other running away action.

The first three stages are suppose to be running away stages and the last three are suppose to be returning.

So Albatross is she returning to you?

[Albatross]

I do believe once they are out of replay, they can never go back to what it once was.  They can try but that chapter is over with.  The door is closed.

Not sure I agree, certainly HB writes that the door closes once they go through acceptance not at the end of each stage.
So the real question is if in the limbo - depression circle/cycle that Albatross is writing about if that is indeed the end of replay or just a morphing into some other running away action.

The first three stages are suppose to be running away stages and the last three are suppose to be returning.

So Albatross is she returning to you?

Sure, there is many, many signs. She nesting, means with house. She have plans what to buy for house and so on. She desperately try to connect with children. As all we know I am last in line.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

My wife has also been showing some signs of awareness. We chatted recently on FB and she told me she was sorry she caused me so much pain and that she was sorry she had hurt me so badly. She's been spending a lot of time at D33's house and with GD15. She told me that D33 is not happy with her and she admitted that it's her fault.

When this happens it's very difficult for the LBS because you see them starting to be more like their old self and you see them trying hard to reconnect with everyone else yet there's very little evidence of any movement towards the LBS. The only thing I have to hold onto is the fact that she contacts me regularly using FB PMs and that it's been almost 6 months since I helped her figure out what to tell her lawyer she wants from the divorce and I still haven't heard anything from the lawyers. I was nervous about mentioning the lawyers because I'll be checking my email soon and every time I check it I expect to find something there. I'm afraid by mentioning it I'll have jinxed myself.

It's difficult because it feels like everything is returning to normal except for my relationship with my wife. It makes me want to run as far away as I can get but I hold on and wait to see what's going to happen next. GD15 broke up with her boyfriend yesterday because Grandma has been coming around a lot lately and she's expecting Grandma to go away again any time now so she's trying to protect herself by distancing herself from people who she's afraid might leave her. This is hard.

Update: I didn't jinx it. There was nothing there again today. I'm safe now until I check it again on Thursday.

[Trustandlove]

My own experience appears to be, and I say appears to be because I've learned that so often, what I think is the case isn't, that he is too afraid to deal with it, or something along those lines. 

We went through an extended period, which started now about 2 years ago, when he really did seem to be very slowly starting to deal with reality.  But then, despite many positive and self-aware actions, he DID go back to another avoiding activity.  Or rather, another infatuation took hold.

I can wonder all I want if he started to deal with the demons, then the invfatuation/addiction took hold, or what, but I do know that the behaviour suddenly went back to what it was like ages ago. 

As I know I've written before, it was as if he had been a recovering alcoholic, and then suddenly started drinking again. 

It took me quite a while to come to terms with it; I had almost got used to being able to count on him for things with the kids and we even got to the point of being able to talk openly about some family things.  Not quite r talk about us, but about the reality of how things were now.

Then shutdown.  It took me months, though, to go dark again....; I guess that's normal, because we don't really know if it was going to be a blip, or a long descent again.  It turns out it's the long descent. 

That's the best I can come up with for my own situation. 

I can speculate if it was a rational decision, but to me, that would mean speaking rationally about it, and that isn't the case, it was back to blame and monster. 

[Not Applicable]

I remember reading somewhere that these OW are often asked to tolerate, and partake in all sorts of things that they usually wouldn't dare ask of us. 

Yes, yes, and yes. As much as we are going through hell from what I can tell the OW is not the object of their affection. More like an object to be used for whatever they want to use it for and the object's own feelings be damned.

[Lovely1]

Just joining in here.
I don't think my XH is in an awakening, but he may well be coming out of replay.

He just seems more like his old self on the surface. Makes me laugh. No wild eyes. Sounds normal on the phone. Wants to see the children once a week. A year or two ago and he didn't even know he had children. He missed all their sports days etc.

[bipolared]

I remember reading somewhere that these OW are often asked to tolerate, and partake in all sorts of things that they usually wouldn't dare ask of us. 

Yes, yes, and yes. As much as we are going through hell from what I can tell the OW is not the object of their affection. More like an object to be used for whatever they want to use it for and the object's own feelings be damned.

My H is still deep in the tunnel but I had thought he was head over heels for this OW in a way he hadn't been with the others.  However, I later found out he dumps her about every week and has updated his dating profile on POF.

[heroIam]

Does anyone have insights regarding the stages for an H that was more connective the first 1.5 years after BD than went distant and more detached over last year or so? Shortly after BD he was caring and asked if I'm ok, etc.....Then last year has been practically nothing.  Unless I initiate a contact.
Seems backward to me, but maybe I'm not understanding correctly.  Is the recent withdrawal a stage or depression?  I have no idea..... when we do connect via text, his responses are pretty short.  And he doesn't reach out to me now unless it's concerning business/home/money. 

As far as I know only one OW, same one since BD.  And doesn't live at home.
Just curious as to where in stages my H might be.  It's been 2 years and 7 months (with exception of premature return)

[OldPilot]

Does anyone have insights regarding the stages for an H that was more connective the first 1.5 years after BD than went distant and more detached over last year or so? Shortly after BD he was caring and asked if I'm ok, etc.....Then last year has been practically nothing.  Unless I initiate a contact.
Seems backward to me, but maybe I'm not understanding correctly.  Is the recent withdrawal a stage or depression?  I have no idea..... when we do connect via text, his responses are pretty short.  And he doesn't reach out to me now unless it's concerning business/home/money. 

As far as I know only one OW, same one since BD.  And doesn't live at home.
Just curious as to where in stages my H might be.  It's been 2 years and 7 months (with exception of premature return)

It really just sounds like a case of a change in contact type, with the most confusion/contact at the start of the crisis and yes more depression as he got deeper into the tunnel.
Sounds like he is more of a vanisher at this point.

My .02