[Thunder]

31,

I think it's just insecurity.  When you get dumped you become very insecure and it takes a long time to get over it.

The irritating thing is I'm NOT an insecure person.  Not in the least, but this has done a number on me.
I'm sure your H wouldn't be with you if that is not what he truly wants.

I suppose the same with mine.   
Must rid ourselves of this doubt, huh?

[31andcounting]

Very true, it is an insecurity and I am not an insecure person either.
I do believe we can get over it.  Again its, time is our friend I guess!!!
31

[OldPilot]

I posted this on Law Professors thread however this can also be a place to discuss this topic

These are RCR's words not mine however I think that a discussion of them for this board  might be appropriate.

http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/midlife-crisis-and-infidelity/limbo-the-threshold-between-phases/

They question their Escape & Avoid actions and motives and make a decision about what they want. That does not mean this is their final decision; but for some it is here that they decide with a more stable certainty that they do NOT want to return to their marriage.

My point of the above quote is this IS one possibility of STANDING.
You may STAND forever WAITING.
However Standing is NOT waiting, it is living your life "as if" they are never coming back.

What do you want that life to LOOK like?

[MIMIx]

I think I am seeing this stage now and I believe these words are true and well written. 

[heroIam]

I don't know if I should comment here, but I have noticed a lot of "talk" from my H.  Not a lot of action.  He says he wished he could take it all back/ or away or something like that, says for me not to blame myself, says it is confusing and complicated, says he won't abandon me, takes some responsibility but says we both had a role.  Was even home for a few months, but OW wasn't gone.  However, over last few months, contact has been less from him....not sure what to make of that when earlier near BD he was checking in fairly regularly.  I know I'm only in 19 months.......but I'm still extremely confused.  Was told he was still in "replay" because of the timeline, but is he?  I don't know if commenting here about what I see helps or is significant to this discussion, but my H is still not home even though he says things that sound hopeful.  I hear promising stuff from him and see something else.  TBH, I don't know what stage my H is at.  Replay sounds about right, high or low -- I don't know.  But for sake of discussion here, I'm posting my observations from my sitch.  I've learned that analyzing and focusing on trying to figure it all out just drives me insane.  Anyway, that's my two cents from side.  Thank you for this discussion, does help to learn.     

[Roma]

Hi Since I never knew fully about this subject except for the jokes, I'll say again, I find this topic absolutely fascinating! In Limbo would be the PERFECT way to explain exactly where h is. I hear the arguing and breaking up every week w/ h and the OW. H goes from saying he feels depressed to more High Engery Replay antics yet I could never find anything that stated where he is. I'm not doing this for him, yet for my information and learning since the  topic is so interesting to me.  He refrains from discussing much of his “determined idea” to travel cross county in an RV yet the OW and him are breaking up, and getting back together constantly yet I'm the blame for that for some ridiculous MLC reason lol. I realize now   their relationship CAN go into liminality OR he CAN find another woman yet it all depends on his choices to move on and just go into liminality or continue to “have fun” with the MOW, or another OW. In Limbo is the perfect to place to describe where h has been for a while now.

[Albatross]

As we all know there is no so much insights about lather phases of MLC, imo there is two reasons for it. One is that MLC is so long in time, a lot of years and forum is in dimensions of MLC time span relatively young. In other hand LBS's abandon forum and get a life as individuals or successfully restore own marriages and there is no feedback from them.

My W is for sure out of replay and I am pretty sure completely. She tried to get back in replay but does not work anymore for her. So, she "taste liminal water" as RCR said in metaphorical expression. So, she is in liminal depression. But what I notice is that she still cycling.  Means she cycling  between liminal depression and limbo. Somehow like limbo is place for resting. How I see replay now is that they learn in replay what was wrong with them in relations with other people so they made same mistakes with them and after several circles they got it that it is because of them not everyone else. There then come realization that their misery is not our fault. There projections of their shadow in us stop. So they start to see us as a better people then those with whom they spend own replay time. Even though, they knew that those replay relationships would not work in the first place. So, lala world do not function, reality ether. They are nowhere, that must be horrible place to be. In that place they look pretty much as they were before crisis, all seems normal and in same time nothing is normal. I now have spouse who see me as a significant other, even though  she care about me in many ways she show that. But that is away of normal marriage. She share own thoughts and opinions, but intimacy of any kind or, God forbid feelings, there is no way, yet.
Basically MLCer can spend rest of the life being in liminal depression - limbo circle theoretically... How those back and forth actions produce movement in small steps, eventually they would climb on the top.

In this stage, I believe LBS state of mind is crucial for future possible reconciliation. So, LBS suppose did own journey of mid life transformation. In this stage they suppose to learn from us.

Old LBS'es, what do you think ?

[31andcounting]

Good to hear you believe her replay has ended Albatross!!!

I believe that the LBS can guide the MLCer at this stage by remaining strong and consistent in behaviors. Stay the course and gently nudge her when the opportunity is there. Open up an opportunity to share her feelings.  You will know when and what to say, you are a pro at this!!

(hugs)
31

[Thunder]

Very interesting.

I do believe once they are out of replay, they can never go back to what it once was.  They can try but that chapter is over with.  The door is closed.

I also believe when they go through Liminality, it's not always going to be what the LBS expects or wants.
Some MLCer's do take the leap and decide they no longer want to go back to the relationship, even though they can now understand it was not a bad relationship.
It just no longer fits their new persona.

I suppose it depends on how much their new persona has changed them.  I'm only guessing.

[Trustandlove]

I take very much on board that the MLCer, coming through liminality, may well rationally decide that they don't want to go back to the marriage because it really doesn't suit their new persona; i think many of us may wonder if our MLCers have reached that point, especially those of us who have been in it for a long time.

I think the thing that might characterise that, however, is that they would show at least some awareness of what the LBS had gone through, at least on some level, and some awareness of their own behaviour. 

If they truly realise that no, it wasn't a bad marriage, then some degree of empathy might not be unreasonable.   

I think if they still blame the LBS, however, that this isn't the point they have reached.  I think that if that is the case, then they still don't want to face themselves. 

I wonder if RCR has more thoughts on this?