[Anjae]

Was thinking about what I had wrote on my previous post. Maybe leaving him to himself did work out. For me. Those 4 years since OW1 have become less and less stressful and I’ve managed to move to a totally different place.

Also, mine may be stuck or choose to remain in Replay because he has no home or wife to come back to.

Buggy, it is not a race but a point comes when we have made huge improvements in ourselves, have moved, become totally different and they seem to remain where they were the last time we saw them. Or they have gone back to BD period/ seem to be going through the same things over and over again.

[Shantilly Lace]

Hi everyone
I've been laying low with posting lately mostly for my own forward movement.  I must add to the conversation here as my Hs behavior has been so similiar to BD lately that it threw me off.  My timelines are similiar to SR and HF and I have a high energy replayer that was low energy I believe until he left then he kicked into HIGH gear..anyway...after having very little monster in awhile and NO R talk...I get lots of engagement this week...it was out of nowhere really but what I thought was interesting was that he was returning to the attitude he had just when he left...lots of justification...he knows he hurt me and D9..he knows he was wrong...and I am like WTH  who was asking...really his engagement of me seems almost desperate...he's desperate for my attention...this is how it feels..one minute we're joking and maybe a bit lighthearted the next he will send me a text about my nerve...the next minute he won't even come in the house  ...even D9 was like mom what happened...and I said  I dunno know...Somethings up but I can't put a finger on it..but it felt like he returned to the attitude he had at BD..and in my mind I was thinking aren't we past this..really...how long are we going to stay here...and what this boils down to in my mind is that we are in very different places and the MLCer is behind and the interaction this week really shows me how behind they can be..not like it's a race but they are really in a very different place.

It seems like he's processing the same stuff he was trying to at BD and it's back.  I hope this makes sense. 

Just my .02
HUGS
BUGS

Buggy something is in the air.  There are a few now within a similar time line as if our strength is right and they are heading back to sort out what they missed back then.


Of course we don’t respond the same way and they are left going HUH?


Still isn’t much fun to watch as they monster.  But I know exactly what you mean

[justasking]

This discussion is interesting because my H is back to 2010 when things were luuvverly in their relationship. I'm not sure he wants to go there but I feel that OW is trying to get him back there. But he is certainly buying silly stuff he did then and she is buying him gifts as she did then. Also H tastes are reverting back to his pre BD days in music, clothes etc and OW appears to be trying to buy into that too. Initially H bought into her life i.e music and clothes.

I don't see monster just a confusion and swirling.

The difference this time is that I'm not watching him so closely and I just 'feel' these things.

But one of them is def trying to get back to those heady days of love when they moved into together as a 'couple'. But I think HF is right maybe H is back there learning something he missed.

xx

[With Gods Help!]

Snap my h is right back to the beginning of BD..........but without monster........when i rung him yesterday this was after no talking for a week the longest ive gone the whole time.......h answered on the second ring and sounded really happy to talk..........it was very noisy in the background and I could barely hear what h was saying so i said i cant hear you.........so he went outside and then told me he was in another town (with replay friends) hes not been with these people for months and said about 6 months ago he was done with all that.........only to go back........so i believe now he too missed something and needs to go back and address it..........like you WH, Buggy (nice to see your post Bugs  ) and JA i was confused and couldn't quite put my finger on it..........he changed around Xmas time whilst we still have contact it is very limited ( im dim) he will turn up however without warning so i wonder if hes testing me.........he would always text to say are you home etc........but rarely now........my BD is 3 yrs next month May 7th and it appears hes following the MLC script  .xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx   

[superdog]

Hiya,

Edit: Add link - OldPilot
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=26.0

I've been reading all the awakening/ reconnection threads from the archives today and just wanted to check my understanding and also how it realtes to my own sitch.

I get confused as to where the OW fits into all of this as some threads said that they can continue into withdrawal and others say that they must be gone and dumped to bring closure to replay.  Is it fair to say that the MLC'er might hold on to them longer than they should do hence delaying their journey on? And if so they have to go back into replay to  "shut the door" on it?

My H apologised for getting it wrong about me and acknowledged I had done nothing wrong and that he was projecting the whole time how HE himself was feeling.  He declared his love, said "what if I can't face my life without you". Told me of his wish for the new us to move on from here. Wanted to know how i felt, BUT, OW is still in the picture. He said "i have regrets and I haven't even done it yet" I think he was meaning dumping her. ( by the way this is all very sudden).

Now, I believe that I should consider this as a very big touch and go? The thing is he has made some kind of decision about our marriage in that he doesn't want it to end ( well that day he didn't )  He has made the decision to try and change jobs and understands his failings  and acknowledges that he spends so much time trying not to be hurt that he can hurt other people. Now, this all smarts of having already been in the liminality place.

Do you think sometimes they delay the actions of getting rid of OW because they don't have the energy and don't want to deal with it right then, but KNOW that they MUST.

It's all very confusing. I can't decipher whether this is all end of replay awakening or breaking withdrawal? If it is the latter then how can the OW still be there?

I must be having one of those thinking days. Or too much time on my hands days 

Thoughts anyone?

SD
xx

[limitless]

Super,

While the things he has SAID are encouraging....right now they seem to be only words.

I think you can only truly see that this is more than a touch and go....when his CONSISTENT ACTIONS - support those words.

And TIME is the only thing that will show that these are more than words.

I believe your H meant what he said when he said it.  They cycle and change their minds so much....it is difficult to believe what they say....actually we are advised NOT to believe them.

Let him be...give him the time and space to turn his words into action.  It could take a while...but he is showing progress - based upon your posts.

Hang in there.

L

[Dontgiveup]

I get confused as to where the OW fits into all of this as some threads said that they can continue into withdrawal and others say that they must be gone and dumped to bring closure to replay.  Is it fair to say that the MLC'er might hold on to them longer than they should do hence delaying their journey on? And if so they have to go back into replay to  "shut the door" on it?

From RCR's article on Liminality

Some believe that the OW relationship will not survive into Liminal Depression and that this break-up may even be what facilitates the transition into Liminality. Though the latter may be true, it is not so in all circumstances, and the idea that the affair will not continue beyond Separation is misleading. The affair can continue through Liminality, but the nature of the relationship will change. The fantasy woman let her guard down and revealed herself; instead of infatuated, the MLCer may now feel trapped or stuck. Since he's destroyed everything else in his life, he might as well suffer through it and make this last thing work.

From RCR's blog Intermittent Liminality

Intermittent Liminality is part of the Limbo transition and thus it begins in Escape & Avoid. This may be the period when the relationship ends. The boundary between Escape & Avoid and Liminality is subjective, there is usually not one moment where they are in one and then they cross into the next a moment later. The affair is likely coming to an end, but as with everything, that is a process. An alienator can enable continuation of Escape & Avoid through pressure and guilt.

From RCR's blog Liminality Q&A

In MLC withdrawal is everywhere; personally I wish people would forget it as a stage because it causes confusion. When someone’s MLCer withdraws they think he’s at the end of or even past Liminality when it still Replay, maybe even early Replay.

It's all very confusing. I can't decipher whether this is all end of replay awakening or breaking withdrawal? If it is the latter then how can the OW still be there?

RCR's article Stage Obsession

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_separation_replay_stage-obsession.html

[honour]

I get confused as to where the OW fits into all of this as some threads said that they can continue into withdrawal and others say that they must be gone and dumped to bring closure to replay.  Is it fair to say that the MLC'er might hold on to them longer than they should do hence delaying their journey on? And if so they have to go back into replay to  "shut the door" on it?

From RCR's article on Liminality

Some believe that the OW relationship will not survive into Liminal Depression and that this break-up may even be what facilitates the transition into Liminality. Though the latter may be true, it is not so in all circumstances, and the idea that the affair will not continue beyond Separation is misleading. The affair can continue through Liminality, but the nature of the relationship will change. The fantasy woman let her guard down and revealed herself; instead of infatuated, the MLCer may now feel trapped or stuck. Since he's destroyed everything else in his life, he might as well suffer through it and make this last thing work.

From RCR's blog Intermittent Liminality

Intermittent Liminality is part of the Limbo transition and thus it begins in Escape & Avoid. This may be the period when the relationship ends. The boundary between Escape & Avoid and Liminality is subjective, there is usually not one moment where they are in one and then they cross into the next a moment later. The affair is likely coming to an end, but as with everything, that is a process. An alienator can enable continuation of Escape & Avoid through pressure and guilt.

From RCR's blog Liminality Q&A

In MLC withdrawal is everywhere; personally I wish people would forget it as a stage because it causes confusion. When someone’s MLCer withdraws they think he’s at the end of or even past Liminality when it still Replay, maybe even early Replay.

It's all very confusing. I can't decipher whether this is all end of replay awakening or breaking withdrawal? If it is the latter then how can the OW still be there?

RCR's article Stage Obsession

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_separation_replay_stage-obsession.html

DGU, your posts would be easier to read if they weren't I one big quote.

honour

EDIT - How is it now?

[superdog]

Thank you.

I believe OP when he says believe none of what they say etc. I took his words with so many pinches of salt Limitless and will go gaily on my OWN way for now.

Thanks for the links to RCR blogs etc, they did remind me. Hee hee I'm really not in stage obsession. I Just find this whole MLC thing completely fascinating and I wish I were not involved in this one so I could view it entirely objectively. It's unbelievable how it plays out in such similar ways. I can't get my head round how they are so much the same. It truly is a process and yes I trust it.

I firmly believe that when all this is over for me I will come back to this forum to read up.

Sometimes I get fed up with my one though and look to see from the old threads etc how others have played out. Hence my q's based on my own experience of it. I'm not concerned with where he is right now as to where the kids and I are.

cheers
SD
x

[Ready2Transform]

You really are a model stander, superdog!  I've marveled at your posts over the last weeks and aimed to be more like you.  You seem really healthily detached while still caring - you're doing great!!  And it's obviously paving.  It's exciting to watch!

This really is a fascinating process, and though I wish none of us had to suffer any ramifications of our spouse's MLC actions, ultimately it's the acceptance that this process came for a reason and we're all going *through* it - not getting stuck - that will lead us to a new, better path than we ever imagined (even if the MLC'ers ultimately decide not to catch up).  Again, you really are an inspiration at how well you're doing it all.