[rosetintedglasses]

Flab

How long was your ex-MLCer man in his crisis? I know you said he has been back for 3 years. It’s all so interesting! Thanks for sharing.

Rose 🌹

[Flabbergasted]

Rose, just so there's no misunderstanding ... this is a friend, not my ex-H. Friend was in MLC for about 3,5 to 4 years. Lived with the OW and totally abandoned his wife and 2 kids. He had 1 false return, but after 2,5 months of living with OW and her son for the second time he had a shocking awakening and went home for good.

[rosetintedglasses]

Rose, just so there's no misunderstanding ... this is a friend, not my ex-H. Friend was in MLC for about 3,5 to 4 years. Lived with the OW and totally abandoned his wife and 2 kids. He had 1 false return, but after 2,5 months of living with OW and her son for the second time he had a shocking awakening and went home for good.

Yes, sorry I re-read my post and it did read like I thought that but I did understand. Thanks, the detail is really good to read.

Glad he was lucky enough to have the opportunity to return
Rose 🌹

[Shockandawe]

Hi Flabbergasted

From my own experience my MLC began with depression and dissatisfaction though I know this happens during a lot of marriages not all spouses go into MLC. Other factors come into play. For me it was the death of my Father and the perception that my ex h was too weak to deal with me and my trauma. This in turn led me to reach out for a man who would listen to and validate my feelings and came across as strong and capable, the total opposite of how I saw my ex h.
It became exciting and made me forget about my pain. I began to be dishonest toward my ex h and this too was exciting as it was my secret and it turned into my own movie of which I was both writer and star. My real life was somewhat  painful, depressing and mundane when compared to the fantasy life I was creating.
As far as I knew at the time I was not aware or chose om because he was in someways reminiscent of my past childhood issues.
In my view MLC is really all about escapism and the brain closing down to avoid what would be too devastating to face. I saw my ex h as weak and felt I was alone this could be yet another trigger in flipping the MLC switch.
Who wouldn’t want to escape from a dark, dour and sad place into a light, happy place which whilst in MLC this is the fantasy. How then could my ex h possibly enter my fantasy as both reality and fantasy lives ran parallel for a while they never overlapped.
Although I was the writer and star of my own fabulous fantasy movie there was only one director and that was the om. Highly manipulative he was a puppet master as he would validate all of my feelings toward my ex h and encouraged and enabled my fantasy life.
I hope this helps a little. Please feel free to ask questions and I will do my best to answer.
Nice to see you back BIB.

[Shockandawe]

Hi Rose

Sorry for the delay. To me he’s still in the fog. Keep going you know the drill.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Thanks Shock's Sis. I think what you wrote about the om being the director is interesting. I certainly don't blame the alienator for the MLCer's crisis but I do think they play a much larger role in the crisis that many on here give them credit for. I believe the presence of an alienator makes the crisis more severe and longer lasting than it would be otherwise and in some cases may cause an MLT to turn into an MLC. But that's just my opinion.

[Flabbergasted]

Shock's sis, it does help and not just a little. Thanks for explaining it so beautifully ... again! I know the two worlds don't overlap. I could literally hear it on the phone. The first year my ex-H came to my house without OW knowing. When he went to his new home where he lived with her, he would call me when left me as soon as he was in his car. I could hear from his tone of voice when he was almost there. He changed 180. Freaky!

[Anjae]

why couldn't that fantasy person be me (or any other LBS)?

You're reality and the existing partner/spouse. You could never be the fantasy.

Although I was the writer and star of my own fabulous fantasy movie there was only one director and that was the om.

You were OM's "puppet"? Quite convenient, isn't it? He is responsible for directing things, you had no part in something you willing took part in. Interesting.

Highly manipulative he was a puppet master as he would validate all of my feelings toward my ex h and encouraged and enabled my fantasy life.

Of course he would. You feed him the stuff cheaters and MLCers feed OM/OW. It was you that feed him the sad story of your marriage and your husband, weren't you? How you no longer loved your husband and instead love OM and so on. What did you expect when you wanted exactly what OM provided?

[Standing Strong]

You were OM's "puppet"? Quite convenient, isn't it? He is responsible for directing things, you had no part in something you willing took part in. Interesting.

Highly manipulative he was a puppet master as he would validate all of my feelings toward my ex h and encouraged and enabled my fantasy life.

Of course he would. You feed him the stuff cheaters and MLCers feed OM/OW. It was you that feed him the sad story of your marriage and your husband, weren't you? How you no longer loved your husband and instead love OM and so on. What did you expect when you wanted exactly what OM provided?
[/quote]

Um, can't say I agree with this. People use people, and OM's/OW's are users. I can totally see the puppet master thing.
How easy would it be to manipulate someone in a fantasy and help them believe it? Reinforce it? Manipulation 101, perception is reality and someone using that perception to get what they want.... totally evil.

-SS

[Anjae]

Yes, people use people. MLCers use OM/OW. OM/OM come in several flavours. Several become manipulative, etc. because of the situation. Regardless, it was the MLCer that feed OM/OW with lies about the marriage and spouse.

It was the MLCer that was dying to have an affair. Lets stop pretend the MLCer is innocent and OM/OW are always an horrible person that made the MLCer had an affair, cheat, leave, tell OM/OW they didn't love their spouse, that the marriage was dead and so on.

A fully recoved would not be pointing fingers to the alienator nor to their LBS. A fully recoved MLCer would know it was on them. All of it.

SS's is recovering, but, as far as I am concerned, still has a long way to go to be fully recovered.