[Velika]

I think that the “age regression” we see has more to do with the parts of the brain impacted rather than a type of semi-conscious deep dive into the psyche.

If this were ALL that we were seeing, it could make sense. But this is often accompanied by all sorts of other behavior that also indicate a physical event or imbalance in the brain.

There was a poster on this forum for a while whose husband had a diagnosis of bvFTD. She was criticized by some who throught she was saying everyone on this forum was dealing with bvFTD, but she qualified her remarks. My sister researched bvFTD and I have also read about it.

People often think that you go from acting out of character to declining beyond recognition in a matter of years, but if you dig deeper you’ll find that a high number of cases present atypically and it can take decades to progress. People will often use anecdotal evidence to tell people on this forum their sppuse does not have bvFTD, but if you have reason to believe your spouse has bvFTD — especially if there is family history — I hope you will not let this stop you from seeking support your spouse may benefit from.

[Seahorse]

Velika - I know you've posted on this before, but re-reading the definition and manifestations, how does ANYONE know that their MLC er is not actually bvFTD?  It sounds JUST LIKE MLC, so if there's no way to diagnose it (other than autopsy), I guess we just will never know, right?  If they don't realize their behavior and actions are inappropriate and impacting others, where does that put us as LBSs?

[Velika]

Velika - I know you've posted on this before, but re-reading the definition and manifestations, how does ANYONE know that their MLC er is not actually bvFTD?  It sounds JUST LIKE MLC, so if there's no way to diagnose it (other than autopsy), I guess we just will never know, right?  If they don't realize their behavior and actions are inappropriate and impacting others, where does that put us as LBSs?

I think if you can convince your spouse to see a doctor, a scan may help. From what I have read, it is often very obvious.

However, having read a book about bvFTD, I know that even people who care for family members with bvFTD and then are later diagnosed with the disease do not accept the diagnosis, because one of the first things to go is self-awareness. In this case, you could attempt to find sympathetic friends and your own family members to help. Again, using the right language may help.

If you have children, I would fight like a mama bear to get any type of diagnosis, based on my own experience. Unfortunately, if they are in the early stages and can appear rational, this may be difficult. If this has just started, I would find a lawyer who believes this is mental illness and will advocate for you from this perspective.

Due to lack of awareness, research, and taboos, even better understood mental illnesses are difficult to diagnose, even when the symptoms are obvious. I think I read it can take 10 years just to get a bipolar diagnosis.

Just look at most articles on why people cheat. Manic episode is almost never mentioned, but this is a common symptom of mania.

If you suspect your spouse has bvFTD, especially if you see a family pattern, trust your perceptions. Once you have done everything you can to financially protect yourself and your kids, and barring a willingness to see a doctor, you may just have to watch the situation unfold.

So sorry you are dealing with this.

[Seahorse]

Velika - Thanks.
I don't know what's going on other than some type of crisis involving personality and ethical changes.

We are divorced so financial is not an issue - he is still spending money.
He does not like to talk to me, so suggesting a brain scan is not an option.

Perhaps next time I am with his mother, I can talk to her about it,
Or any friends that I may come across.

Thanks for answering my question.

Sea

[Thunder]

Seahorse this is the problem we face, these MLCer's think there is nothing wrong with them, so getting them to a doctor for anything is almost impossible.  You can't force them to go, it will just bring out Monster even more.

It looks to them like you are in denial and not accepting they are just done with us.  You're not believing them.  You look desperate and manipulative to them.  It is not going to help anything.

All we can do is protective ourselves, financially, and let them go.

We can't fix them.  Until they do the inner work they need to do, it's out of your hands.
bvFTD is a very rare disease and I highly doubt many MLCer's on here have this disease.

Maybe if you went on a site specifically geared towards this disease you will get better information.

This site is for people who are dealing with a midlife crisis.  Similar actions but two very different things.
People in a MLC eventually come out of it.

The person Velika is referring too did not believe in MLC.  She thought they all had bvFTD.
Maybe her H did, I don't know.

Hugs

[Songanddance]

The person Velika is referring too did not believe in MLC.  She thought they all had bvFTD.
Maybe her H did, I don't know.

I'm flagging this post. She did not say this. If you have to lie to damage someone's credibility, why should anyone take anything you write seriously?

Velika - the very first words written by the poster to whom you refer.   

As most of you have already mentioned, people in "midlife crisis" all tend to follow the same pattern and script. All of our stories are so similar because in many cases what we are actually witnessing and experiencing are SYMPTOMS of a common but under-recognized brain disorder called frontotemporal dementia that tends to strike people in their 40s to 60s. Please read up on the disease

.

The poster you refer also started a thread stating that "Midlife Crisis is Brain Disease of the Frontal Lobe"

Thunder has not lied and neither has she damaged anyone's credibility.  She has expressed her opinion.
 I recommend that you amend or edit your post accordingly or it will be removed

Velika's post removed 5 November.

[UrsaMajor]

Velika,

bvFTD did repeatedly state that MLC was linked to bvFTD. She was asked repeatedly to put it in perspective that, while it was a possibility, the actual disease itself was very very rare and it is invariably fatal which is NOT the case in MLC at all.

This request was repeatedly tossed aside and she continued to repeat that MLC was nothing more than BVFTD. There is NOTHING that Thunder wrote that was untrue or denigrating.

[Treasur]

I remember that awful, frightening time in the beginning when I knew something was very very wrong with my then h but didn't know what it was. And how it felt when friends, family, psychiatrists and therapists and the legal system behaved as if I either was making it up or that my views or fears were irrelevant. And how, even though my then h knew something was wrong with him and did get psychiatric help, somehow he saw me as his enemy. I have never felt more bewildered, frustrated or ignored in my life.

I am very sorry, V, that some of this sounds as if it might have been part of your experience too. My experience was that the 'language I used' didn't matter witn anyone unless they were interested in listening. And most people weren't. Accepting that, and my h's free will, was part of the slow frustrating process of letting go in lots of different ways. Please try to release yourself from the belief that there were a magic set of words but acknowledge that you did the best you could.

Bvftd looks a lot like dementia with go faster stripes imho after an initial period of behaviour change. Rather a different thing than a crisis or depression or mental health disorder or any other number of ways in which humans break. I have experienced both dementia and 'MLC' and they are quite different in RL. But they raise similar issues about what we can control and can't, how we love and support people and what we need to do to protect ourselves.

It would seem sad to me if lots of LBS read your post and start feeling guilty that they couldn't find the 'right words' or guilty that they couldn't get their spouse diagnosed or treated for something more concretely recognised in RL than MLC or Sudden Bonkers. And it would concern me if any LBS here sacrifices too much of their sanity or safety or security bc they believe that if they try harder, they will find an answer or way to help their spouse. There may be the odd situation here where people have been able to do that early on - and of course not all situations here are necessarily caused by the same things - but it seems to be uncommon.

The good news is that life has a way of making people deal with their own stuff...whether the dawning realisation of an MLCer or those with medical or mental health issues reaching a tipping point when others can step in.

All any of us can do is our best with as much grace as we can find. But we have to put our own oxygen mask on first before we can do anything at all to support anyone else. Jmo.

[xyzcf]

Velika, you have brought this up over and over.

The poster you mentioned pushed the bvFTD diagnosis in every post she made.

This site is about MLC. It is where we learn and discuss MLC.

I agree with what treasure wrote:

It would seem sad to me if lots of LBS read your post and start feeling guilty that they couldn't find the 'right words' or guilty that they couldn't get their spouse diagnosed or treated for something more concretely recognised in RL than MLC or Sudden Bonkers. And it would concern me if any LBS here sacrifices too much of their sanity or safety or security bc they believe that if they try harder, they will find an answer or way to help their spouse. There may be the odd situation here where people have been able to do that early on - and of course not all situations here are necessarily caused by the same things - but it seems to be uncommon.

I also agree with Thunder's post.

It is very hard for the LBSer to accept that their loved one is having a MLC. We do search for all kinds of other possibilities. But there is actually very good information that aligns with the crisis our loved ones are going through. Information that can allow us to come to a place of acceptance.

MLC is NOT a progressive deteriorating disease. We would see a lot more reporting here if our loved ones eventually were diagnosed with some progressive deteriorating disease, especially in the many long time posters who would share that information here.

I have yet to see it.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

I remember the person Thunder is referring to. This person was constantly telling people that MLC was really bvFTD in spite of numerous people providing evidence that she was wrong and in spite of several people asking her to stop. I see nothing inappropriate in Thunder's post. Velika's post is the one that should be flagged.

Shortly after BD I went to my wife's family because I was concerned about my wife's sudden personality change. The sister she was closest to justified my wife's behavior, telling me that my wife had a right to be happy and if the om made her happy and I didn't then my wife should be with the om. The rest of her siblings were concerned but felt that our marital problems were none of their business. The only good that came out of it is that one of my wife's sisters and her husband were very supportive and continue to this day to be the only people in RL who will listen to me talk about this and will support me.

I also managed to convince my wife to talk with a family friend who was a counselor. Like most therapists, our friend was not properly trained and equipped to work with somebody dealing with an MLC. She couldn't identify anything wrong other than that my wife was unhappy which convinced my wife that she was doing the right thing by chasing after happiness.

All of this occurred within the first two weeks. After about 2 weeks the om convinced her to move in with him and from that point on she was totally under his influence. I had no influence at all.