[Jackolar12]

OP I totally agree we are in the place where Chump Lady talks about but calmer for the knowledge we share and we can always vent on a bad day here. Some of the posts are very funny there and lift my spirits up to move forwards, I like all the different names they tag their cheaters with. I do feel sorry for Chump Lady though as being cheated on has hurt her deeply,truly a woman scorned.....

[Standing Strong]

And her name is actually "Chump Lady"??!!?!?!?! 

Who would want to be known as that?!!?!?! 

LOL!!!!!

-SS

Update: Ok, I found her..... wow!!! Woman scorned indeed. Well, you know..... it's all about how you control yourself. You can have grace and forgiveness.... or let a cancer of hate consume your heart, your soul and your mind. It's too bad some will choose the easier, self-destructive road. Love and hate aren't roommates and don't live together. I choose love.

[Jackolar12]

T in T, balance hits the mark with me to, good and evil with balance somewhere in between. I think the sharing of knowledge between us here softens our hearts towards our Mlcers over time as we try to figure out the many reasons they went into Mlc and cheated. The chump site just nails them to the cross and sets fire to them. I wonder what the perfect balance would be any posters care to elaborate?

[Treasur]

The language is fierce but the purpose is self-love imho and sometimes people need anger and outrage to break the pattern of abuse. Or at least to see that the first question is about what they need as opposed to only thinking about the needs of a destructive spouse. And she has a very funny turn of phrase...

Tbh, the core advice is often not a million miles from what we say here but more gently.
Didn't cause it, can't control it, can't fix it. Not about you but them. Focus on dealing with how it is and put yourself and your kids first. The difference perhaps is that many of us here believe that our spouses are temporarily disordered rather than it being a permanent cast of their character...but to be fair, some of us may be wrong. The weirdness of the change in them leads us to see it that way I guess but often the practicalities are the same aren't they? Perhaps on HS we accept the ambiguity of LBS feelings whereas Chump Lady focuses more clearly on the survival of the LBS and uses blunt language to shake people out of despair or denial.

Is that better or worse? Idk. Some here would say with hindsight that trying to stand cost them a great deal and that it took them too long to shut down abusive behaviour that affected them or their kids. That they made too many excuses and not enough boundaries. Others would say that they needed to feel they had done their best and that Standing gave them the time to accept the reality of what they were dealing with. Maybe it just depends on whether anger is a useful motivating fuel for you or not. There are as many awful stories there as here and as few successful restored relationships probably.

[Standing Strong]

I don't know T......

I've met and know lots of people that got mad and could never break that, never trust again. That's very unhealthy (IMO).
Anger leads to more victimization too...... personally I would never want to sign up for that. There's no peace in anger.
You can get angry, but then get over it. That's essential.

For me, no matter what happens.... I will never be a victim. I refuse. Something bad may happen to me, and then it's time to keep moving forward.
Knock me down: I'll get up. Hit me once: I'm ready to be hit again. Wound me: I will heal. The only person who can take my smile: Is me.

-SS

[Jackolar12]

I like the way you explained that Treasure and it’s so very true to our situations we need self love to start the healing process, when I recovered 18 months later from the shock of BD I had surges of anger and wanted justice, after 8 years I don’t believe I will get any.

I guess I will never be sure if the sudden change in personality was MLC or just the mask falling off my ex wife as she no longer needed to hide behind it. Getting loads of info from conflicting sources forces you to think a lot during these times and eventually I will get fed up of thinking and find peace.

I know I never want to experience any thing like this again even if it means loneliness and singledom.

[Jackolar12]

Standing Strong, what’s the secret to trusting again as I suffer with this badly. I did get angry and this is still just below the surface. I feel if I drop my guard I will get suckered again. Divorced people my age have been around the block too many times and are very weary of starting again.

I suppose lots of expensive therapy might help I have had some, I have also drunk myself unconscious many times in the divorce years to numb my pain. At one point I thought my heart would explode......but here I am, bruised, battered, abused but still in the race, just...she wasn’t perfect but she was perfect for me...and now she is my perfect enemy.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Jack, I'm not SS but I'll try to answer your question.

Not trusting other people is completely justifiable. There are a lot of untrustworthy people in the world and trusting an untrustworthy person is just going to get you hurt. Great answer, huh?

The secret is to use baby steps. Try trusting somebody with something small and relatively insignificant. If that works out, move it up a level. Keep doing that and eventually you'll learn whether or not that person deserves your trust.

Trust isn't given. Trust is earned.

[Jackolar12]

Hey Thunder, I posted on my thread but it’s come up on the vulnerability trust thread, also some replies are missing from posters. Any idea what’s happened as I’m not very savvy tec wise.
Jack

[gman242]

Jack, I split the thread here..

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11211.0

You had a thank you post in it, I think. I'm new to how this forum software works here. If you want to repost it here, I can delete it from the other thread, or Thunder or someone can advise.