[9393roo]

Hope, I see so much of the same things from my H.  Starting to talk about the R now in a calm and matter of fact tone.  He has forgotten so much, I guess in a way I am starting to forget now too. 

[At the end of the day, I can't go back and do anything differently, nor do I want to.  I think we are both coming to a place of more peaceful acceptance of what we have come through and we also acknowledge that it is nice to be in a place where, 23 years into our marriage, we know that we are here very deliberately - not out of habit./quote]

This is huge.  I feel the same way.  We both have said we are making the choice to stay together.  We both are showing respect for this choice. Our relationship is different for sure.  We both have changed/ are changing and figuring out what’s going to work going forward.  I’m happy that you are both finding acceptance and peace.  It’s the best thing we can all hope for in the end.

Roo

[Curiosity]

Great post, h&f. Thanks for sharing your experience. It highlights for me a lot of what real reconnection is, as someone whose spouse moved back home but is really not at a place of actively reconnecting. I really like your observation that you must feel some degree of safety if he is able to see the small child in you - and for that matter, his being observant enough to see that part of you. Watching my W reconnect with our home and pets, seeing her get invested in planning trips with my family and even talking about vacations with me, just the two of us… without the knowledge and experiences shared here, it would be really easy to fall into a place of developing expectations. But posts like yours are an excellent reminder of the difference between “just came home, still broken, maybe healing” and the true, mutual attachment that can be rebuilt when the healing has really taken hold.

I’m so impressed with the strength and grace and self-awareness that you have shown and continue to show. Thank you for sharing your story.

[hopeandfaith]

Thanks for your kind words CanLetGo, UM, Roo and Curiosity.

I am VERY impressed! That takes a massive amount of intestinal fortitude which you obviously have

I am one of the lucky ones though Ursa.  I didn't face any of the financial shenanigans and no monstering really.  I chose not to look most of the time so I don't have as much to 'unsee' or 'unhear' as others might.  The passage of time sure does dull the memories too, as Roo said.

I used to find it hard to walk past his room at his roomies house.  Some sort of private space that I wasn't a part of.  That seemed to really ram our separation  home to me.  Now...I sleep on a mattress that I KNOW has seen action with a woman other than myself.  It wasn't our mattress to begin with.  He bought it second hand when he left.  It just happens to have once been a super expensive mattress that is absolutely great for my back.  I have gone through so many mattresses in my time and when I sat on his, I suspected it might be just right.  How ironic that I used to call ow1 baldilocks (she lost some hair outta guilt  ) I may have saged it just in case there is something to that hippy logic and then decided that it suited me to get the hell over that.  That's the thinking that helps me claim back every place that ever had a paw print on it that it shouldn't have.  Some may call that marking my territory. If the shoe fits??

Some fab news just in; D21 got through the cadet application process and will now be going to flight school at the beginning of August.  First little birdy to leave the nest  My excitement for her is now giving way to tearful private drives to work. 

She has just had the best week at work.  She was rostered on for a charter that was taking all the music artists to a festival in the middle of Australia.  She actually got the call about her acceptance during a brief fuel stop and her passengers were all getting back on the plane as she finished up the call.  Some of Australia's music icons became the first to know of her success and promised to buy her a beer after their show later that night.  They stuck to their word and thanks to their return flight also being rostered with D21 today, have become new friends.  Got lots of snapchats from her today - absolutely glowing.

[UrsaMajor]

Congratulations to D21!

[CanLetGo]

Amazing news for your D, and your family H&F, there is light at the end of the tunnel for your lot!

[Evermore]

That’s such great news H&F. So happy for your D. Looking forward to our catch up next week where you can tell us all about it! You’re one tough cookie. Xx

[hopeandfaith]

Thought I might pop back with an update.  Seems the motivation might be H's return to the town's that his relationship with ow took place and where her family live.  Also where she lives currently...I guess?

H hasn't been there in around 11 months which is when she had given him an ultimatum to move there.  He dragged that out to that absolute last moment and was supposed to leave that town (S) to come home and pack everything up before going back in the first week of December.  Some very tricky memories and triggers for him when he returns.  Time for reflection for me.  We talked about it briefly yesterday.  I asked him how he felt about going back.  He said he felt fine, he probably expected some "thoughts" but wasn't worried about it.

Just prior to that, we had been sitting enjoying the sunshine in the garden and he said "I am so happy H&F".  I told him that I was very glad to hear it and had wanted to hear that for a very long time.  I remember a conversation we had in March where he'd said he was starting to feel happy....like it was breaking through the cloud.  Like the sun, he is now sitting in its full glow.  He is extremely happy with our relationship and excited about the fun things we have planned in the future.  He's also just so happy that nothing needs to be happening for him to be happy. 

We have just finished a second lot of renovating.  Some of which was forced because of a leak in the shower.  Most of our renovation was done in quarantine because he was a close contact of a confirmed case (Australia is next level with it's management of this $h!te).  We WERE just about to start 2 weeks of holidays so they got cancelled.  Because I really needed a break from work, I chose to take the week and help H instead of switching to 'work from home' mode.

Prior to all of this starting, I would have described him as unsettled and grumpy so I was a bit nervous about how the first lot of renovating would go because it was a LOT of work for him.  It seemed to put him back on course in some way.  Provide an opportunity for him to be distracted from COVID news feeds and do something useful with his hands.  We work well together when renovating too, so it's quite a bonding experience.

About a month or two back, I was triggered heavily and I have now come to the conclusion that my gut is not always right.  Perhaps a little over active?  It was something stupid that set it off.  Looking over H's shoulder while he was looking to send a photo to someone, I thought I saw a name that could have been ow's in recent messages.  Firstly, she definitely wouldn't be there under her name and secondly, there was no weird behaviour that had me jumpy in the first place.  I said nothing to H but I just couldn't let it go.  I then thought I saw his phone light up late at night with a message.  I got up and took his phone to the bathroom where I had a fairly forensic look through it.  I saw that name that I thought was ow's and it was similar but different.  Because I know her number, I put it in the phone and no one came up matching it.  I put the first 3 letters of her name in the search bar of his phone and found a message from early 2020 where a friend in her town had invited H to the bar and told him to bring her.  Nothing else.  Still not satisfied, I checked the phone logs.  Still nothing.  Don't know what that was all about but I didn't particularly enjoy that physical trip down memory lane with all the joys of shaking and almost diarrohea.  Been such a long time since I night stalked his phone and even then, I might have done it twice in total.

I must say that I feel pretty peaceful most of the time.  It takes a proper trigger to take me back.  I was thinking about how I don't feel as grateful these days that we are where we are and I think it's because it feels pretty normal.  It means I am forgetting how it felt to live in pain.  That's a good thing.  I was telling H about this the other night and then I stumble across a FB pic of one of the woman he dated while we were separated.  I really have nothing against her other than he never should have been 'free' to date her in the first place and because I think she still manages her feelings for H based on the way she treats D21 when she worked with her.  She is a very attractive young woman who had no business dating a man of H's age and reputation at the time so I also gauged a bit about what sort of person she was from that.

It was a pic a friend of ours had posted in a COVID rant about how he could stand next to his (very awkward looking) colleague to get breakfast but couldn't sit with her.  I showed the rant to H who is not on FB and asked who the colleague was in passing.  A little bit hard to see and he said he didn't know so I zoomed in.  It then occurred to me that it could be her and I asked him.  He then said "yeah I think so".  That ruined my mood pretty dang quickly.  I had also seen another photo of her on FB earlier in the week as a friend suggestion.  I hadn't blocked her because she would probably read into that and I didn't want to even go there.  I generally don't look at the friends suggestions because up until then, I wouldn't have known her if I passed her on the street.  I got pissed off and chucked my phone on the grass.  It landed in dog $h!te  . Really??  H wasn't in our state at the time so I didn't bother letting him know about that when he phoned me seconds later.  Why bother?  The next time was different because he was there and could provide appropriate cuddles.  He apologised again. I had a few tears.  Just sucks that the after shocks can happen and we both have to go through them.  Never thought about that at the time did he? 

He really hates hurting me now and does an excellent job of helping me feel loved, beautiful and his number one priority.  He often talks about how much love he feels for me when he wakes in the morning and watches me sleep.  He also talks of how my laugh just makes him so happy.  He really noticed how much I laugh when I started working from home and shortly thereafter nicknamed me 'Little Miss Laughs a lot".  Those are the sorts of things that makes a girl feel seen and appreciated for just being herself.

The rest of the fam are doing quite well.  D21 is about to turn 22 and is waiting for a start date for her cadetship as this was postponed by the 'Rona.  D19 has started a home based beauty business which is building slowly.  Bit of a traumatic end to her employment at the last salon she worked at but it was the catalyst for something that plays to her strengths.  Her boyfriend is such a good guy that it's easy for us to all see them getting married even though they have been together less than a year.  She heard a song that she wants to play for her first dance with her dad the other day.  It's called "Just like you" I think and talks about how she's found someone who treats her the same as her dad.  Just goes to show what can be overcome.  Blows my mind really.  H doesn't know about the song but. IT. WILL. LEVEL. HIM. when he hears it. S18 is building an online entrepreneurial business and trying to earn some dollars delivering things on the side.  I have no doubt he is destined for big things.  He just thinks differently and always has.

Anyhoo, I must go eat and then settle in for a Netflix binge of something 

[9393roo]

Thanks for updating H and F.  Its good to see you moving along slowly and peacefully.  It's great getting to a place where you don't always feel the other shoe is going to drop any moment. 

About a month or two back, I was triggered heavily and I have now come to the conclusion that my gut is not always right.  Perhaps a little over active?

I completely get this.  It is nice to finally be open and honest with my H when these things hit.   Triggers are becoming fewer these days but the lingering ones can sneak up on you. 

Wishing you the best as you move ahead. 

[hopeandfaith]

Hi all, I thought I would come back and post an update.  I still follow along and love that I still learn so much from reading about other people's light bulb moments.  I am prompted to pull up my socks a little as well because I have become pretty lazy in this regard these days.  We'll call it resting shall we 

Life is pretty dang good for me these days.  The difficult memories continue to fade and the triggers lessen to the point that they are really infrequent.  Life is normal and I am just so grateful.  My focus is on a new career that I feel has come now that I have the mental space for it. I now have a job with an airline too - not the same one that H and D work for  . D20 is also going for a very similar role with H's airline tomorrow and if she gets it, it would mean that we literally work side by side at the airport.  That idea gives us both a thrill.

I never would have thought that I would end up here 12 months ago because the airline industry has had quite a hit during COVID.  Add that to the fact that;
1) It's shift work (4am starts and late finishes)
2) I no longer get weekends off
3) There is a fairly significant pay decrease to what I was on before
4) It's further from home and
5) It's in aviation (moving from a stable Government job I have had for 20 years)

It actually looks like a really bad idea on paper, but it has never felt more right.  I wasn't sure I would even get the job and went through the process for "$h!tes and giggles".  I ended up getting quite invested and then ended up getting the job so I am absolutely delighted.  H has been super supportive and loves the idea that we might be able to do lunch together at the airport.  He is also fairly keen to see me in my new uniform  . The staff travel and other benefits are pretty awesome so it means that I will be able to travel to see D22 fairly often while she is doing her Cadet training - which incidentally started on the same day as my Ground School.  I have had a bout of COVID though so my training has been interrupted.  I resume work tomorrow and I am really excited.  If I had to go back to my old job now, I think I would vomit.  I don't think I ever admitted to myself how much it was killing me but my reaction to the idea of going backwards now is pretty telling.

The other thing I wanted to update was about SIL.  If you have followed my story, you will know that I have developed a bit of a love/hate relationship with her.  She is an 'ow' archetype (I have just decided there is such a thing) and I have really struggled to manage that.  I think she has been going through her own MLC for almost 10 years now and it has mostly been hidden from the rest of the family until recently.  Waaaay too long of a story to tell but it's not uncommon for H or MIL and FIL to walk away from an interaction with her shaking their heads, saying "she just lost her $h!te???" and being unable to recount or make sense of what was actually said - extreme gas lighting.

It has meant that a few secrets I was hiding for her have come to light.  Partly because I was asked questions directly and also because I don't think protecting her from her crap has done her any favours.  It was quite a relief for me because I have felt that SIL turns on me fairly easily and having this all come out has provided me some defence if it happens again.  I don't know, it just feels fair and things don't often feel fair with people like this.  I have been a fairly quiet observer as far as she is concerned but myself and our kids have been coaching H and FIL & SIL a little on stepping away in order get some clarity.  She's probably always been manipulative but they are quite well trained by her and can't see it.  She blames them for EVERYTHING now i.e not being there for her during her divorces.  My take on that would be that their involvement was too much..to the point of being a little toxic and certainly not helpful to SIL's marriage.  One nice thing that happened was that MIL said that she was probably a little harsh on ex-BIL.  He will probably never know that but I know how much he suffered and how much she brain washed them about him so that felt like a bit of justice too.

H and I are still travelling along very nicely.  He spoke to me about getting an eternity ring at Christmas time and has already picked out what songs he would like to play if we ever renewed our vows.  Our last little bout of isolation together was super peaceful and contented.  He just seems more stable as time passes.  He drank way too much over Christmas but is also toying with the idea of being a teetotaller.  I could actually see him doing this.  Definitely a seed he has planted within himself that I am staying completely quiet on - other than saying it would make me very happy to see him showing himself that much self-care.  His mum gave up alcohol for almost 20 years and is now drinking again but only very occasionally.  I like that she has paved that path for him.

Everyone else in the family is ticking along very nicely.  D20, in particular, is very happy.  Stable relationship and an exciting new job possibility.  D22 is grinding hard at her cadetship.  Her leaving the nest was pretty hard.  Intellectually, I couldn't have been happier, but emotionally, my heart just broke for a few days.  The other 2 kids were  because they were there for all the worst H $h!te but NEVER saw me that sad.  It is definitely an easier type of emotion to show though...more socially acceptable??  I was brave for D22 when she drove away though. She had a 9 hr drive ahead of her and I didn't want her burdened with my sadness.  I only fessed up to her last night on the phone about how much of a sook I had been  .  S18 is still finding his way and is focused on online entrepreneurship while working to make ends meet.

Signing off and wishing everyone on this forum some 'normal' - whatever that is for you x

[UrsaMajor]

Hi H&F,

Nice to read your update!  Glad that things are moving along as well as they can be in this situation!

Congrats on the new job! Sounds like it will be more enjoyable than the old one and, we spend WAY too much time at work to be unhappy with what we are doing....