[OffRoad]

"You hate me!" ( )
"You waited all day to talk s#!t about me" (wasn't talking about him at all. Wasn't talking to him, about him, nothing)
Him " I want this hybrid sports car that someone at work mentioned was really cool"
Me: "If it is what you want, you should have it then. You work hard for your money, you deserve to have what you want."
Him, later "You never supported any of my decisions."
The generic " Everything is every one else's fault except his" (He NEVER was rude, augmentative, cruel, angry or ANYthing. Everyone else was just a jerk.)
"I  haven't loved you for 1/5/10 however many years" (changeable)
"We should never have gotten married."
"You don't need me" (How exactly do you need someone who is not there?)
"You were right, I checked out years ago when you said you felt like you were in the marriage alone. That must make you feel good." ( )

The one I have no desire to forget or forgive "We should have never have had the second child." The one he went behind my back to convince to live with him 3 years later.

[karmirtsaghik]

1) The love was gone long time ago
2) Our marriage was doomed
3) You are emotionally distant mother
4) You got cold on me after kids were born
5) Children can have 2 loving homes to go to. (one "loving" home was supposed to be with a OW who had 10 pages long criminal history including child abuse)
6) My relationship idols alway were my divorced aunt and uncle who remained friends. (not once before BD I heard this btw)
7) I have not abandoned kids. (even though he has not paid one penny for his kids for close to 4 years)

P.S. Time works miracles. It used to be that I could not write these without tears in my eyes. Now it is just what comes to my memory.

Hugs.

[Nas]

Had to dig up this thread, since this just popped into my mind as I was looking for a file on an old flash drive and came across some old documents.

In the letter H wrote me basically blaming me for everything wrong in his entire life, he wrote:
"I know you will say this is not what happened, but this is about feelings, not facts." 

I had totally forgotten about almost all of this WTF kind of stuff.

[Prism]

Absolutely! While I was still trying reason and responded to one of his strange accusations with an incontrovertible counterfact, he looked a little confused and said “But that doesn’t matter. All that matters is how I feel right now!”  That was when I stopped trying reason and logic. Sad, really....

[Thunder]

"I know you will say this is not what happened, but this is about feelings, not facts."

How on earth do you argue with that??  You just can't, it defies logic.

[Nas]

The saddest part is that the particular incident he was referring to was something that happened when he decided he wanted to pursue his dream of being a sports radio broadcaster, so I supported him going to a broadcasting school. I assumed responsibility for our mortgage and every single one of our bills for well over two years while he worked first at an unpaid internship and then an internship making $100 a week. He never sent out one single audition tape or demo.
Apparently his “dream“ included going to broadcasting school and then immediately getting hired by the only station that he would even consider working for. He did it all on my dime. One day he came home and asked me for my feedback on a show he had recently done live on a local radio station with three other guys. (The host of that particular show has actually gone on to some fairly big success.) 

He said to give him my honest feedback. I told him it sounded great, he sounded great, he really knew his stuff.  but that there was one moment when the host asked a question about dancing with the stars and there was a really long awkward silence. My husband and the other guys on the air clearly watched nothing but sports and had no other frame of reference, so my feedback was that in order to engage the audience, you should really be able to have at least a limited knowledge of the current pop culture references, not just sports.
At the time, I was in grad school myself, working towards my masters degree and also working a full-time job that allowed me to assume the entire mortgage payment and every other bill. I was in frequent writing workshops, since my masters degree is in poetry and creative writing. I was giving him the kind of feedback that I would have given to anyone in one of my workshops.

What I said was hardly a cutting condemnation of his ability to become a broadcaster. But apparently he took that as me “pissing all over his dream.” Even though I am the one who encouraged it. I am the one who helped him get into the broadcasting school. I listened to every show. I was his biggest cheerleader. And I was the one paying all of the bills and every single expense while  he made $100 a week or less and wasn’t even trying to find a paying job in broadcasting. 🙄

[OffRoad]

XH once told me I "never"  let him save money for the kid's college (don't even ask....) and I said "no one stopped you from saving money for the kids college. I certainly saved money.", he replied " I feel like you didn't let me." When I said "Feelings are not facts", XH responded "Yes, they are."  Well I suppose it might be a fact that you feel you feel that way.....

[Healing]

Him: “I love you but I’m not in love with you”
Me: “WTF… I give you 19 years of my life and you tell me this”
Him: “you’ve been playing me like a damn fiddle our entire marriage”
Me: “WTF…I can’t even respond to this.  How??”
Him: “I remember the very first time I disappointed you”
Me: “WTF…enlighten me because I don’t remember”
Him: “you didn’t love me enough”
Me: “WTF…what more do you want from me”
Him: “our daughters are going to love her….she is really something special”
Me: “WTF…what about me??  I’m really special!!  I’ve been raising our kids for the last 16 years” 
Him: “we got married because that’s what all our friends were doing”
Me: “WTF…why didn’t you tell me that’s why you married me” 
Him: “everything I have done our whole marriage has been for you but this Porsche is for me”
Me: “WTF…what about your girlfriend…she sure the heck is not for me” 

[Thunder]

Oh my gosh Nas, who could have been more supportive of him than you?

Will he ever remember this?
Will any of them remember the partner they spent years with who stood beside them before their mind turned to mush?

I know a midlife crisis is serious, but I have to wonder sometimes if it really does change their brain chemistry somehow.  It seems so few ever really come out of it better.

The only few I have seen over the years who seemed to come out of it have been pretty short term MLCer's (less than 2/3 years), or those who never left home.

Maybe it is because they really did have a midlife "transition" but never got to the level of a real crisis.  I don't know.

It will be interesting to see how this site evolves over the next 5/10 years when we have more data and more stories.

[Standing Strong]

The only few I have seen over the years who seemed to come out of it have been pretty short term MLCer's (less than 2/3 years), or those who never left home.

Maybe it is because they really did have a midlife "transition" but never got to the level of a real crisis.  I don't know.

It will be interesting to see how this site evolves over the next 5/10 years when we have more data and more stories.

I think it just comes down to pass or fail T....... They all have the choice, but the choice is their's to make.
Sad as it is, it's easier to throw it all away then actually try. If they try, they can make it (IMO).

-SS