[Curiosity]

Xyz, I am so happy for you! Finding peace and your best path forward… that’s all we can hope for. Each of our paths will be unique, but if it’s the right one for you, that’s what matters.

[MadLuv]

xyzcf-
I was so hoping to see this update on your time together. I think it’s fantastic and I feel I would be more than willing for this type of relationship as well in the future once respect and friendship can be returned fairly to me. Sounds like much fun was to be had and so wonderful for your adult daughter to be able to enjoy both her parents together. And who knows what the future holds for your relationship. Without expectations, but still friendship anything can evolve.

[OldPilot]

One of my prayers has always been for the restoration of our family. These past 4 days were a wonderful time as a family together  to celebrate our daughter's birthday and Thanksgiving.

I know that not everyone wants to have this type of relationship with their MLCer, but I do want to tell others who may feel the way I do, that it is possible.

My own healing has allowed me to be at peace with what happened in the past.  That is also what I wanted. To be able to be with him without it tearing me apart. Indeed, I quite enjoy being with him. He seems to feel the same.

But it is different. I am not his wife. We can chat freely about many things, we cook together, the kitchen dancing that was always so much fun is still there, he can tease me about things that were always something he would do. And we laugh and tell stories from our  family times.

And in many many ways, there are still many ties between us, and love.

We will also be together at Christmas. I prefer this to splitting the limited time with our daughter.

I look at these times as two people who have a very long history together and a daughter. Who are still a family..that will always be.

I am grateful, I continue to pray for "us" and try as much as possible to accept God's plan for my life.

He does seem to be well over his "crisis". It is interesting to see the changes that he has gone through over so many years. He is more like the man we knew before his crisis.

It was nice. I think there will be similar times ahead because I allow it. I don't have to,I choose to. It's the best thing in my mind for all of us.

Actually this sounds similar to what happens with my ex-w
We now share grandchildren and other family events from time to time.

Everything is cordial and diplomatic as if we were strangers meeting on the street.

I am glad you are at peace XYZCF - that is a testament to your hard work in these matters.

[Ready2Transform]

He does seem to be well over his "crisis". It is interesting to see the changes that he has gone through over so many years. He is more like the man we knew before his crisis.

Actually this sounds similar to what happens with my ex-w
We now share grandchildren and other family events from time to time.

This has been on my mind since reading this last week, so I'm gonna risk prying a little more. I've 'known' both of you and your stories for almost a decade now, and I think seeing two examples like this here are good for a lot of us.

When do you each think your spouses actually resolved the crisis? Can you look back now and see a point in the timeline where there was a change that really did mark that the crisis was over? Did they ever exhibit the depressive, reintegration stage to you, or was it so subtle that you just know they're done, but it's not obvious when or how?

I have zero expectation that my xH will ever resemble who he used to be to me (or that I'll ever talk to him again to know that), but it doesn't stop me from being fascinated by this process.

[OldPilot]

When do you each think your spouses actually resolved the crisis? Can you look back now and see a point in the timeline where there was a change that really did mark that the crisis was over? Did they ever exhibit the depressive, reintegration stage to you, or was it so subtle that you just know they're done, but it's not obvious when or how?

Its a good question although I am not sure I have the answer.

I am not convinced that she is done however she does not have anything to do with my life other than my children and grandchildren.
She has done some weird things that would lead me to believe that she is still not done.
I have never gotten an apology.
She is still not nice to me, of course she is not nice to our children either but they seem to detach from her when that happens so they don't let her get away with too much.

I guess my comment is more about how I am at peace with it all, and also xyzcf seems the same.

[xyzcf]

Quote from: Ready2Transform on October 26, 2021, 03:48:27 PM
When do you each think your spouses actually resolved the crisis? Can you look back now and see a point in the timeline where there was a change that really did mark that the crisis was over? Did they ever exhibit the depressive, reintegration stage to you, or was it so subtle that you just know they're done, but it's not obvious when or how?

OP responded :Its a good question although I am not sure I have the answer.

I will agree with OP, I am not sure I really have an answer.

I have limited contact with him but we do get together occasionally and he texts me with jokes and comments about my favourite football team.

I think he is happily settled into the life he wants. He doesn't seem angry and he is in regular contact with our daughter.

His life is not at all the life that I have, we live very differently and that is no surprise really because I have always been more a country than a city girl.

It's been a gradual transition, can't say how long because I don't see him that often but I do feel he is not in "crisis".

I enjoy the times we do see one another. As OP put it so well, I am at peace with it all now.

[Ready2Transform]

I thank you both for your answers. "Peace" is no small feat.

[xyzcf]

Good New Year's Eve morning.

My home is safe, I am safe. I live 3 miles from the evacuation border line of the fire that consumed 600 homes, 35,000 people evacuated. I have friends who live in the center of the fire storm...winds up to 115 MPH. I live in the same type of subdivision that backs onto a golf course, the same type of geography that a 10 min drive away was being consumed by this inferno. I packed my "important" documents just in case, an open suitcase ready to hold some clothes and pictures...trying to think...what is important to me to  take from my home?

I stayed in the home we shared after BD, this is my "safe place" until it wasn't.

As we all know, life is unpredictable. Life can be very cruel.

I think about the naysayers that deny that climate change is a problem (in my mind they are also the same anti vaxers, anti mask wearers). I remember someone telling me this summer, when we had weeks and weeks of smoke from the forest fires, not able to see the beautiful mountains, that forest fires are really important ways for nature to "clear out the deadwood" and that it was not climate change that was responsible but was what nature is supposed to do. It's all really difficult for me this morning.

I am grateful for the first responders who risked their lives to keep mine safe.

I digress.

I had just returned on Wednesday from 9 days with my family in a lovely Caribbean Island. As you know, I remain open to Mr. xyzcf being a part of my life and my family's life. Even before this devastating fire, I was grateful for many reasons that we had this time together.

We are not reconciled and there is no discussion at all concerning our past marriage. We do see one another and it is "comfortable" when we are together.

I just turned 67 and am very aware that life is going by quicker than I would like. COVID and the isolation has been difficult to be alone, without a family member close by, without a partner to share in the day to day life.  I envy my friends and cringe when they would say how "annoying" it was to be with their spouse 24/7.

Wishing everyone on HS healing, a road to a peaceful life, acceptance of what is, some joy and appreciation for all the blessings you do have.

Stay safe, be at peace.

[Thunder]

OMG xyzcf, I forgot you are in CO.  Isn't Faith also?

My brother and his wife live in Arvada where they had over 100 mph winds.  Their son and family live in Boulder and did evacuate.  Their all safe but they don't know about his house yet.

Thank God there are no known deaths at this time.  They were on it very fast.
I'm so glad you are safe.
My prayers go out to all who lost their homes!

Yes Climate change is really doing a number out West, but I heard you are finally getting snow now.

Faith?  How are you?

[FaithWalker]

Sorry Thunder, missed this somehow.

I am on the West side of the State, closer to Utah.  So we watched in horror as this was happening, but I am over the Rocky mountains and about 4 hours and 200 miles away, so not anywhere close to this.  I have one brother in the area, and his home was outside the burn area by a few miles.  They went to Cali for the Holidays, and took their pup with them.