This I am sure of! Very typical MLC!
In a way, yes, and in a way, no....my husband didn't see me as his "mother" I was the total OPPOSITE of his mother...in essence, my husband married his sister who raised him...I was very much like his sister in personality.
His mother on the other hand had abandoned him to his sister who raised my husband. His Mother was VERY controlling, conniving, manipulating, and just plain out mean.
Enter OW, as my husband was repeating an area of his life where he'd never broken the cord with his mom...and his mom was already gone, so OW was her.... and, though it didn't look like it, he tried to protect me as he was trying to end the affair, and things got out of hand, resulting in the EA going to a PA.
He'd not told her he was married, he'd taken his wedding band off when he left home, then putting it back on when he came home, but I didn't know that until later on.
Now, I was NOT shown OW UNTIL the EA went PA....and when I asked questions, I got answers I did NOT like at all. Apparently, the friendship had just been that, a friendship where she made him feel "special"....she was different, just as HE was different...and say what you will, but I understood that he never meant for it to go as far as it did, but it did. When I "turned back" after I busted him in internet porn; it didn't take him long to figure that I DID love him, and something happened to begin his "awakening".....he and I were both raised that you didn't mess with married people, and so he thought that when he told her he was married, she would "dump" him...and it didn't happen...he wasn't dealing with a "nice" lady...he was dealing with a nut, who proceeded to get his home number, and try to call me...in the hopes that I would throw him out, because she was in "luv" with him, and wanted to keep him..
I further understood, that he treated her much the same way he treated me; only the disrespect for her was worse than it had ever been for me.....he didn't talk to her about anything, just kept her attention on him....the selfishness was something else. Heck, they were BOTH selfish.
He did things to her that he has NEVER done to me...that was all I was told, I wasn't shown what they were, and I'm not sure I would have wanted to know....I was so frightened as I was going through the showing that I never asked about that.
Things started falling apart, and taking advantage of his hormones all out of control she "tricked" him into bed with her...three times and the signs fell ALL three times...things were getting worse at home, as I was going all to pieces myself...and though on the surface he was making fun of me, it was tearing him apart. Yet, the affair was an addiction, and she kept pestering him...when she got him into bed and thought she'd "won" she started showing her true colors which drove him BACK toward me, as he did not want this..he was coming back, so to speak, and though he'd been drawn to her because of her ways, as time went on, he realized he did NOT love her, he loved me, and couldn't rid himself of me....I don't know if that was good or bad...but it doesn't matter. He was also realizing he was in over his head, and as he began to see her in a different light, he found he was staying on edge most of the time.......not fairly calm like it had been with me; and he wanted his life back with me, but didn't know how he was going to do it.
The straw that broke the camel's back was when he told her to leave him alone, he wanted to work on his marriage, and she cursed me....and for him, that was IT...it was one thing when she piled abuse upon him, but he'd already told her to leave me alone, I was innocent in this, and therefore was to be left alone......that final confrontation pushed him off the edge, and he told her NEVER to call him again....she continued for awhile, then stopped.
In that process, she "purged" herself of him and the affair; which was WHY she did not know him when he called three months AFTER the affair finished. I would have to explain purging...I did it and as result, my memories are not what they were....it is necessary for healing, but only occurs when you are ready to do so; AFTER processing what has happened to you.
The bottom line was that OW was his "mother" and he broke the cord that had bound him to his mother.....this is but one example of how OW/OM/OP is used to "relive" something unfinished in their lives.
You MUST be careful that your husband does NOT view you as his mother in ANY way....it's not good when that happens....be his friend, be his lover, be anything but his mother.....
Even though my husband did what he did with OW, I had to be VERY careful that I was NEVER viewed as his mother...I remember him saying at one point we had to become friends first, and then if we got that far, we would become lovers.....I did this wrong, ladies, I told him a couple of days afterward, that "Friends don't do these things to each other."....and watched him crawl deep within his cave...that was a few weeks before I totally "got it", and started changing.
At first he was suspicious, but consistency was key to him beginning to come around more toward me....and it was like dealing with wild kittens...I got scratched a few times, but after awhile, he started forward in a more positive way, more receptive to my friendship...but it took time to bring this all around.
And that doesn't mean that I did it right ALL of the time, I didn't...I made mistakes, causing both to fall backward, and then had to endure consequences for my actions/words within a situation...and ride it all out once again, coming back around the circle to the spot where I'd made the mistake.
Round and round we went.
When he no longer sees us as a couple
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