[Evermore]

I am currently away in Melbourne with D23, M and his S12. We’re here to watch a couple of games of footy (one today and another tomorrow). We’ll also likely go to the markets today (if D23 and S12 ever get up, lol, it’s already 9.14 and they’re both still snoring away, haha) and the Melb Aquarium tomorrow. Ds have met M and S12 quite a few times now but this is first time spending considerable time together. It’s very nice. I feel like everything is gelling very well in my new life. I still miss xH, but that life feels further away (most of the time) these days.

We have sporadic, very amicable communication (he wished me a HBDay on FB for instance (and ‘liked’ many of the HBDay messages from other people which was a bit odd). And of course I still know what he’s doing pretty much through the osmotic-in law/Ds-grapevine.

Two days ago I got a waft from D23 of trouble in paradise and I thought it worth documenting. They really don’t say much about their dad at all these days. We rarely mention him. D23 has said a few things recently (but they’re more about what she thinks about him and his slightly odd behaviour (eg always always being very very late for events these days, like 3 or more hours late)).

Two days ago I mentioned something about xH and OW looking to buy a house (we were talking about my finances and possibly buying an investment house with M). D23 said ‘yeah… not sure he’s going to now’. I said ‘oh… how come?’ She said xH was at D25s house recently and he told her that he wasn’t sure about buying a house with OW and ‘obviously was wanting to talk about it’ with D25.

D23 rolled her eyes said she wasn’t surprised and thinks it’s partly because of the drama associated with OWs son (he is about 29 I think and lives with xH and OW, apparently ‘lovely’ but also a bit of a ‘no-hoper’ who has mental heath and drug problems, and can’t keep a job). She also sarcastically said ‘Seeee, I knew this would happen’ (she’s intimated several times that she thinks it’ll all fall apart one day).

So as I said, just a waft, nothing concrete. Funny that I’m pretty much at the stage of hoping it DOES work for them. Way too complicated otherwise.

[MadLuv]

So glad to hear things are going well. Not surprised on XH/OW.  When time passes and real life happens the seeds of doubtS and the everyday human flaws become apparent. Different person, different problems. It’s never the dream!

[UrsaMajor]

Two days ago I got a waft from D23 of trouble in paradise and I thought it worth documenting.

<...snip...>

D23 rolled her eyes said she wasn’t surprised and thinks it’s partly because of the drama associated with OWs son (he is about 29 I think and lives with xH and OW, apparently ‘lovely’ but also a bit of a ‘no-hoper’ who has mental heath and drug problems, and can’t keep a job). She also sarcastically said ‘Seeee, I knew this would happen’ (she’s intimated several times that she thinks it’ll all fall apart one day).

When one builds a house on a foundation made of sand (or jello), it will settle dramatically over time and eventually fall apart....

And, just because there is a new partner on the scene doesn't mean his own demons have gone away. They are still there and still causing the same issues.... Just takes a different path as the constellation of xH/OW/OWKid is different than it was....

[Evermore]

Hello all

Just journalling. Thanks UM and ML for reading and for your comments above.

After my lovely little trip to Melb with M, SS12 and D23 (we had such a great time!), I then headed off OS to the UK for work and a bit of touristing. My Mum travelled with me and we had a fab time. Flew to London and did a whirlwind 8 day bus tour of England > Wales > Scotland > back down through England to London again. Then 2 days/3 nights in London before catching the train back up to Scotland. Work conference in Edinburgh (my new favourite city, so beautiful) for a week. Then we hired a car and drove back up to the Scottish Highlands and vroomed a round for 3 days before flying home. The scenery in the Scottish Highlands is simply amazing (as is the Lakes District). I consider myself extremely lucky to be given the opportunity. Looking back over the past 6 years since BD feels a little bit like standing on the top of one of the Scottish Munros https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Munro. It feels like such a mammoth thing to have gotten through. I feel mostly 'recovered' these days and it is such a relief.

It'll be one year with M in a few weeks. We often laugh and say 'but we've really been together for 10 years though'; because it kinda feels like that sometimes.  It's nice and settled and feels very sorted.

D23 had been looking over the past 6 months for rentals to move into with 2 of her best mates (about 3/4 hour away from the little town we live in, closer to the capital city where she works); but they've pretty much given up looking now I think. The market is just too tight and every house they apply for goes to families (which is understandable, there is a big rental problem in Aus at the moment, not enough housing). So it doesn't look like she'll be moving out of home anytime soon. Which is completely fine. I love living with her and M is happy enough to keep on as we are at the moment. We'd both like to live together but we'll just have to wait until SS12 is a bit older (and can catch the school bus further) and/or D23 moves out.

Speaking of housing... SIL2 told me the other day that OW had said to her (SIL2) recently that she (OW) had 'gone a bit crazy' at xH because he wasn't selling his 'stuff' (motorbikes, boat etc?) and getting himself sorted so they could buy a house/land. She (OW) also said something about using the 'gov first home buyers grants'. That means that she'll be buying in her name only (because xH isn't a FHBer and all parties on the mortgage need to be to get the grants). So I don't know what goes on there; but SIL2 also said that there are definitely problems with them (OW and xH) living with OW's son. She (SIL2) thinks that xH is feeling very down that he has worked so hard all these years, earned good money, but now has not much at all to show for it all. I feel sad for him re this... but hey, it was his choice.     

As UM says:

When one builds a house on a foundation made of sand (or jello), it will settle dramatically over time and eventually fall apart....

And, just because there is a new partner on the scene doesn't mean his own demons have gone away. They are still there and still causing the same issues.... Just takes a different path as the constellation of xH/OW/OWKid is different than it was....

[Evermore]

Oh oh and a funny thing: When we were driving the hire car in Scotland (a cool BMW hatch) we were using D23's Spotify account ('cause that's what I do at home, I'm such a Mum  ). A few weeks after I got back she asked me why a BMW was logged into and using her account?! So apparently some rando that had hired the car was driving round the Scottish Highlands listening to 'Mum's playlist'!!! Hahahahaha

[Biscuit]

Glad you had a fun time in the uk ever, there’s so much to experience here - literally 4 nations and cultures in one!

[Evermore]

Glad you had a fun time in the uk ever, there’s so much to experience here - literally 4 nations and cultures in one!

Thanks Biscuit. I loved the UK! My ancestry is the quite typical several-gen-Aussie one of Scottish/Irish/English. So I have always wanted to go and see at least a bit. It was definitely a whirlwind tour and there is so much more I wish I could have done/seen. But it was a great 'taster' visit. And the weather was even good for us! I will be back one day!

I do need to comment on the 'hot buildings' though... OMG I was COOKING every time we went inside.  We don't heat our houses to anywhere near what you guys do. Every hotel we stayed in the a/c was set to 22 overnight! That's so crazy to me. I consequently stripped each doona/duvet out of its cover and only used the cover instead. It makes sense to me now why all Brits that come to Aus say how cold they are all the time. 

I did LURVE the heated towel rails though. We do sometimes have them here, but not that common. They were great when we were travelling to be able to wash a bit and get things dry quick smart. 

[UrsaMajor]

Glad you had a fun time in the uk ever, there’s so much to experience here - literally 4 nations and cultures in one!

I do need to comment on the 'hot buildings' though... OMG I was COOKING every time we went inside.  We don't heat our houses to anywhere near what you guys do. Every hotel we stayed in the a/c was set to 22 overnight! That's so crazy to me. I consequently stripped each doona/duvet out of its cover and only used the cover instead. It makes sense to me now why all Brits that come to Aus say how cold they are all the time. 

That is because, if the temp is lower, due to the humidity, everything will feel cold and clammy and damp... Including the bed (UGH!) Seems that you missed all the super-wet weather they have had in the recent weeks through....

[Evermore]

Glad you had a fun time in the uk ever, there’s so much to experience here - literally 4 nations and cultures in one!

I do need to comment on the 'hot buildings' though... OMG I was COOKING every time we went inside.  We don't heat our houses to anywhere near what you guys do. Every hotel we stayed in the a/c was set to 22 overnight! That's so crazy to me. I consequently stripped each doona/duvet out of its cover and only used the cover instead. It makes sense to me now why all Brits that come to Aus say how cold they are all the time. 

That is because, if the temp is lower, due to the humidity, everything will feel cold and clammy and damp... Including the bed (UGH!) Seems that you missed all the super-wet weather they have had in the recent weeks through....

We did miss all the cold weather. Even in the Highlands it was lovely. We were super lucky! We have bet wet cold winters where I live too… but we still don’t heat our houses to the same degree. I think it’s likely that our houses are built to be so airtight, so there’s always airflow even when we do heat them (yes, inefficient). A temp of around 15 degrees overnight is a normal night time sleeping temp I think. Even in summer it goes down to that overnight naturally so I guess that’s what I’m used to. Sleeping in 22 degrees feels like one of our horrid summer nights where it’s been high 30’s in the day and you still don’t get relief at night. Haha, first world problem.

[Evermore]

It was M and my 1 year anniversary yesterday. He bought me some very pretty flowers and cooked me a lovely dinner and then we watched a fishing show with SS12. A very peaceful easy evening. I often can't quite believe I'm leading this new life. It's not all fireworks and excitement. It's just easy and warm. I consider myself very very lucky. 

But I still have irky feelings sometimes re xH.  I wonder if they'll ever go away? It's funny now when those feelings arise. It's like I'm watching them from afar. So much less intense these days.

My lovely (but very old, nearly 98!) FIL called me to say hello the other day. I love him but he drives me a bit crazy with his complete lack of social comprehension sometimes (he's always been this way but is worse now). He often asks me if I've seen xH and OW (calls her by name); and then always proceeds to tell me how they are. Sheesh, read the room T! He used to be not tooooo bad with remembering to not mention them to me. But recently, as he's got older and frailer and a bit more confused, he's started mention them more. Potentially it's because he's met M and thinks (as some people tend to) 'Oh she's over it all now she's with someone else'. Or potentially it really is just his complete inability to read a room! 

Anyway, when he called the other day he asked if I'd seen xH (called him by his real name not the other name everyone always uses for him which was a bit unusual but not something he's never done before either  ) and OW lately (cue me rolling my eyes  ). When I just said 'Ahhh... no' he went on to tell me that they've bought a block of land in ... (a town up the river about an hour away). And isn't that wonderful?! I just changed the topic and said thanks for calling (he's hard of hearing so calls are always short and difficult to navigate).

I didn't say anything to my girls about it and just went about my day. Not my place to be telling them their Dad's business, they should hear that stuff from him (and besides FIL might have had it all wrong! The other day he got ready for SIL2 and BIL to pick him up and take him out for Chinese food... when they'd told him a completely different night and that they were taking him back to their house for a roast dinner!  ). They, my girls, had told me a few weeks ago that xH and OW were looking to buy some land but that they'd be doing it separately (financially) and that more recently xH had said he didn't think it was going to happen.

This morning when I was driving to work (I stayed at M's last night) D23 called me and merged D25 in to the call (we often do this on the way to work, it's lovely the close contact we have and another thing I'm grateful for). They both told me that they were quite pissed off and hurt because their Dad had started a group chat on Messenger with about 100 people (I'm sure an exaggeration haha) to let everyone know at once that 'they' had just signed for a block of land. How weird that he didn't call them before telling everyone he knows in a group message. Not like him (or the 'old him') at all.   

So some irky feelings from me to work through. I KNOW in my bones that I am far far better off with M and that we have a bright future.

The part of me that loves xH unconditionally is glad for him and hopes this will help make him feel more secure and less like he 'doesn't have anything to show for all his years of working' because I know that's how he's feeling right now. Yes, yes it's all his own doing because he threw everything away, but still a sad way to be thinking of your life in your late 50s. 

The part of me that hopes it crashes and burns with OW, therefore proving that leaving me was wrong (and so she gets what's coming to her!) feels a bit threatened and panicky. 'Well that's it then! They're even more joined together now! He's never turning back now! This is so unfair!!'  Like they weren't already tightly joined, and like I ever really think these days that he's ever going to turn back. 

The part of me that really still can't believe that he did this and still can't grasp properly that 'my H' is no longer MY H, and doesn't ever want to have a close relationship with me ever again (it feels so UNFATHOMABLE still), is again feeling the deep loss. It's a deep sad achy feeling in my gut. I know it's the grief of the loss that is still felt. It's not super intense anymore (thank heaven). It's not debilitating like it was. But I think it's important to acknowledge to myself that it's still there. Only the truth will set me free and allow me to work through the feelings.

So I mostly feel sad deep in my belly, and like it is all so unfair. Such a waste.  But as I said, it's a far away feeling and I just watch it without really reacting. I only mention it here because I know those here will 'get it' like no one else will. Thanks as always all who might read and follow along with me.