[LettingGo]

Fox, where do you even buy sock with the days of the week on them and why would you want that? Just to torture yourself? 

Glimmer.... my husband travels hundreds of mile for BUSINESS and then additional hundreds of miles back and forth between OW and me, although it's becoming more time with me and the kids than with her.... it's starting to dawn on him that she's not worth it and is dragging him down in a major way. The parallel lives is the weirdest thing EVER!! How they sign leases and get bank accounts and have bills that are sent to the other address, yet the new box of checks has our address on it, all of his stuff is here.... they are living a Lifetime Movie channel episode where the airline pilot has two separate families for 20 years and then when he dies, the wives and kids meet at the funeral, LOL!!

[Foxberry]

LG,

We live in England and OW will have bought them for him from a store called NEXT... he always hated his socks not being easily identified (apparently he told me) so she'll have got him "just the thing"..... makes her look as though she's thought about his every need doesn't it?  The love and attention (even to his feet) that I NEVER gave him...

Fox xx

[Dontgiveup]

In the past 24 hours, I've been able to read communication from two different MLCers....actually one who is through MLC and one who is not yet.....one male and one female.

What stood out is a word that each of them used to describle how they feel/felt......alone.

[truth_seeker]

In the past 24 hours, I've been able to read communication from two different MLCers....actually one who is through MLC and one who is not yet.....one male and one female.

What stood out is a word that each of them used to describle how they feel/felt......alone.

DGU

How is it you were able to read communication from these MLCers?  Just curious. 

I agree the MLCer feels very alone as my H continues to call when he's not with OW.  It's clear he feels alone and not happy.  Otherwise why continue to call and hide the fact you are calling from the OW?  If it's such a "healthy and loving" relationship for which they threw their life away for? 

There is no longer any doubt in my mind they are NOT have a wonderful life.  The fantasy is quickly becoming reality and it stinks.  Or should I say skanks...  

[Mamma Bear]

     I especially love this thread. I like to read things like "My H is soooo Happy now his 30 days worth of vicodin only lasts 15 days"      and "he's soooooo Happy he needed a cigarette last week when leaving to smoke on the way to buy cigarettes"
    He is biting his nails and eating rolaids and did I mention he hasn't called or seen or asked about his Ds 9 and 11 in 8 days. Now if that's not HAPPY I don't know what is.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

"The best line was the first line. Then I spent the rest of my life trying to recapture that moment" - A friend of Ready's talking about his addiction to cocaine.

An alcoholic drinking problem is not a simple issue. It is a combination of social interactions and chemical processes that creates the addiction. An addict continues with the behavior even though they know they are destroying their own lives.

Our MLCers want to avoid emptiness and the pain that accompanies the emptiness by seeking happiness. They chase happiness like when I was a child playing in the sprinklers and I tried to catch the rainbow made by the water as it sprayed in the air. It was fun to do, but I never caught the rainbow.

The MLCer is chasing happiness and even may state they are happy. But inside, the same issues are there and they are like a coke addict. Maybe this line will take them to the happy place forever. But the high fizzles and the addict needs another line, and another line. The rainbow is there, but they can never catch it.

I don't focus on my w's happiness or unhappiness. I even ask her how she feels and she states, "I'm fine." Even when I don't ask her, "I'm fine. I'm fine." The words roll off her tongue in a defense of the walls that she has built to seperate herself from me.

The only advice I can bring to this is that it is not the pursuit of happiness by the MLCer, it is learning to achieve contentment of our own lives with or without the spouse. Happiness is like love, it is a fleeting feeling that comes and goes. Contentment is a stronger feeling that comes from realization of one's own personal self. It is of acceptance and based upon love. It comes from within and not regulated by outside forces.

Both the MLCer and the LBSer seek unattainable happiness. They seek happiness by running to something new and we stand around feeling that as soon as they return, happy days will be here again. Both are fantasies.

The LBSer has the upper advantage. We are able to look at ourselves and make the purposeful changes necessary to redirect ourselves and seek contentment. Ours is a transition. Changing a flight midway to our destination. You get off the plane and you want to make sure you can get to the right gate at the right time. You sit and wait to make your connection.The MLCer misses the flight completely. Sitting in the airport fuming and blaming everyone but themselves.

I really think that we waste too much time pondering happiness when we really should be pondering contentment and acceptance of ourselves. ((((Hugs))) and just my kind of lost words and rambling.

[Mamma Bear]

 Ready, You are a wonderful writer. Taking me back in time to the sprinlker. I can even smell the mud and grass. 8)Oh forget it my dog just came into the room.
   I think that I always have been content and happy inside and out. I think it attracted my H to me. I guess his addictions to other things has lead him astray.
   It's like a Shakesperean Tragedy.
   I will be fine without H!!! I know that. You know that>H knows that.
   I just always felt like this saying I saw once on a bank tellers ledge "In life it's not where you go or what you do. It's who you SIT NEXT TO"
      I wanted to SIT NEXT TO MY H    So "you can't always get what you want...but if you try sometimes.....you get what you need..."

[Dontgiveup]

Truth Seeker

One is my friend who is an LBS and shares communication and insights with me.  The other is someone who I am able to connect with online and am familiar with his story.

Each of these situations has helped me see in more depth the reality of MLC.  The man said he felt alone and unlovable....truly did not feel like his wife loved him while in the midst of the MLC.

My friend's ex-wife's communication has bits and pieces of several things.  She feels alone.....not certain of what direction to take because of damaged relationships.  It's possible she is entering (or has entered) withdrawal.  She told my friend several weeks ago that she regrets what she's done.....and her communication with him reflects her awareness of her choices these damages.

[limitless]

Ready,
Very good analogies.
My H had previous alcohol and drug addictions.  (Who am I kidding....he is an addict/alcoholic).  Cocaine was his drug of choice.  I boggles my mind that, with all that has happened over the last 1-2 years, he has not gone back to drugs/alcohol.  (He got "sober" in 1986).  Maybe he has?  But, I sense that he hasn't.  At BD he told me that he felt his sobriety was "at risk."  He used this as one of his excuses to leave - as if I, in some way, threatened his sobriety.  I spent a few months feeling guilty about this.  Silly, huh?
Your quote from the addict really hit the nail on the head.  I think that is completely right.  The addict got this extreme high from his first experience and continued to seek that same high over and over again.  But, it takes more and more of the drug to reach that "high", until you can no longer get there.  Actually, they try to get that "high" but it is unattainable.  It takes rock bottom - for the addict to accept that their life is unmanageable.....and only the addict knows what rock bottom is.

Chasing rainbows......yep - that's it.

Limitless

[Trustandlove]

Ready, you really do write beautifully.

As I've poured out in my own thread, this is a big issue.  I look and just see him having the "perfect" life.  Like so many say, with everything but me in it.

The MLCer is chasing happiness and even may state they are happy. But inside, the same issues are there and they are like a coke addict. Maybe this line will take them to the happy place forever. But the high fizzles and the addict needs another line, and another line. The rainbow is there, but they can never catch it.   

I've often said this about my H; I've watched him try to grab the golden ring for 4 years.  This time he seems more secure in it....  lots of practice??

  The only advice I can bring to this is that it is not the pursuit of happiness by the MLCer, it is learning to achieve contentment of our own lives with or without the spouse. Happiness is like love, it is a fleeting feeling that comes and goes. Contentment is a stronger feeling that comes from realization of one's own personal self. It is of acceptance and based upon love. It comes from within and not regulated by outside forces. 

YES.  Exactly.  Not focus on their lives, but on our own.

I really think that we waste too much time pondering happiness when we really should be pondering contentment and acceptance of ourselves.   

And that's it.  My H even once asked "what did our parents worry about?"  Well, they survived the war, so being fed and being able to raise their families about covered it.  They didn't long for any sort of grand happiness that our mlc-ers seem to feel entitled to. 

A very timely reminder to me, Ready.

x