[WHY]

Bax I’m sorry to hear this is where you’re at. MLC is a monster.

Just to be clear though.  You don’t have to give her the house.   The law is clear.  If you cannot agree.  It gets sold.  And that’s that.  So you moving out is solely your choice.  And you need to decide if that’s the right thing for you and your children.

If you decided not to move out.  You could easily live there for another two years as the legal system moves are a snails pace.  It would be at least another 6 months before a follow up pre trial.  So you don’t have to be in ANY rush.  Do what’s right for you and your kids.

That said.  I’m not sure that would be the right approach.  Your MLCer will get stuck in the tunnel, continue to blame you for everything under the sun, and things will become worse IMO.  I’m a true believer in KellBell’s approach. The faster you let them go.  The quicker they can move towards the end of MLC.  Now that doesn’t necessarily mean higher recon chances.  BUT, holding your MLCer back does more damage to your relationship IMO which in turn can make coming back from it impossible.   MLCers will say and do some despicable things.  The faster you get out their way the better IMO. And the better the chances of recon in my opinion because of less damage.  I really do believe this.

So.  If you’re still standing, perhaps you moving out at this point is not the worst thing.  Let her wallow and you get completely out her way. It’s not like she can buy you out the house anyway right?  So she can live there while she figures herself out. 

It’s still your house until it’s sold or she buys you out.  You could technically disallow alienators sleeping over.  But again.  I would not do this. It will hold her back and you can’t really enforce this.  so give her the freedom to crash the crazy train and she’ll get through it faster IMO.

Hopefully with you out the house, it will buy you the 2-3 years you need to get through this.  Whereas if you stay in the house.  She definitely will continue to blame you for everything and will have NO CHOICE but to force a sale of the house and D.  Now she has the opportunity to be on her own and hopefully, hopefully self reflect at some point.  She could choose to still blame you for her depression once you’re out and force D.  But then she’ll lose her comfy home. And let’s hope that once you’re completely out of her life that she has no one else to blame but herself.   And starts to look inward.  That seems like a more likely outcome than her forcing a sale of the house on herself. 

The trick is to see if you can stomach it long enough, alienators and all.  You’ve come this far Bax.  I believe you can do this. 

Onward my friend.  You got this.

[Baxter1]

FH- thanks for your kind words, I am trying to be the most stable force for them!

W- Although this sucks me moving out may not be  the worst thing. If for no other reason to let me heal. In addition she will still feel the same way, getting me out of the house will not fill the void in her life. Although I don’t want this it may be what is necessary, if for no other  reason then my own growth. If I don’t heal and become my ‘best self’ then how can I expect to come back to the marriage. We both need to grow and figure ourselves out, if we don’t then it will be the same marriage all over again. We both need to go to our own corners and regroup, then we can heal and then, just maybe, come back to a new stronger marriage.

Time will tell what happens but in the mean time I’m going to just keep going and work on myself and my relationship with the kids. When she’s ready(if ever) then maybe we can work on our marriage.

[Helpnewc]

Dear Baxter,

You seem to be in a good place. I am about 6 months ahead of you and my wife left the house in January as I was not as strong as you and could not stomach caring for my kids while she secretly dated another man.

I think you are the way you are framing it is very wise. I made emotional decisions about our property settlement and did not listen to my lawyers advice. I would have been better off if I did and I would recommend doing so.

That said, my decision has meant my wife is financially secure and owns her home. And like you I think what would I have paid to have those wonderful kids and those memories. Anything.

And I am determined not to become one of those angry men who is gutted by divorce. The reality is that it just means a will work a few more year than I planned and that is not the worst thing in the world.


But it is hard. The loneliness. Being apart from your children and not being able to talk to the person you love. And the irrationalness is head spinning and is hard to reconcile.


But it is amazing what you get used to. And from this point you make good decisions for you, the kids and baxter. And listen to your lawyers advice.

And you are right. I have healed far more since she has left. You will do better to.

[Atari25]

Thank you all for the support, it means a lot to me that I have people in my corner. Although this is horrible I am trying to find the positives. We’ve had a great 25 years together, 22 years of marriage filled with love and laughs, kids and dogs and vacations and all the other great stuff that goes with that. In addition I’ve been in my home for almost 2 years. That’s 2 years of seeing the kids every day and going to their events and being part of their lives.

I’m not giving up on her at all. She never asked for MLC, sometimes I see the pain and stress in her eyes, no one would ask for this. I guess my stand will continue from a new location, whatever happens I will always have great memories and I will always have a great relationship with the kids. And who knows, maybe someday a renewed relationship with her

I love your way of looking at it all - it mirrors my view.

My wife left on her own, I don't think she wanted to but she was unable to cope in the house anymore and she refused to get help.  It's heartbreaking and I think not giving up on her completely is the right thing. Most of our MLCs suffer from childhood trauma they never asked for.

W- Although this sucks me moving out may not be  the worst thing. If for no other reason to let me heal. In addition she will still feel the same way, getting me out of the house will not fill the void in her life. Although I don’t want this it may be what is necessary, if for no other  reason then my own growth. If I don’t heal and become my ‘best self’ then how can I expect to come back to the marriage. We both need to grow and figure ourselves out, if we don’t then it will be the same marriage all over again. We both need to go to our own corners and regroup, then we can heal and then, just maybe, come back to a new stronger marriage.

I thought space would help but as time goes on I think we are further apart than ever. My wife has a whole new life with new friends and relationships. I only know one friend from high school that lives in Chicago that still talks to her. Otherwise it's like she disappeared from all of our friends lives. Kids see her once every 2-3 weeks but it's like meeting a friend for coffee as opposed to seeing mom.

Our kids are with me so maybe it will be different as your kids are with the wife. I hope so for you.

[Flummoxed]

Hi Baxter1, way to pivot that positive perspective! Agreed- this time will be great for your healing and recovery. I will say, at least from my perspective, it’s been harder to remember the MLC context at times since it’s not so clear when you’re not seeing them confused and all over the place right in front of you all the time. However, of course, the focus should be on you and the kids just like you described. You’ve got this!

[Baxter1]

Thank you all for the continued support, I don’t know what I would do without having you here. Having a place to vent and people to bounce ideas off of has really helped in my journey. We’ll see how this plays out, myself and my healing are important so this will help. The kids will still be at home and I’m sure there will always be an excuse to come by.

The new challenge will be to not be a doormat. All the things that I usually do will be left to her, you can’t kick out the husband but still expect him to do the husbandly duties, it will be interesting for sure.

We’re celebrating American Thanksgiving today, should be a nice family day. Last year she took the kids to her sisters house for the day, the journey down the tunnel continues it seems. The high energy antics from last year are slowing down, looks like it’s more of a medium/low energy now, maybe  ‘Splat’ is around the corner, who knows?

Happy Thanksgiving (to those who celebrate)!

[UrsaMajor]

The new challenge will be to not be a doormat. All the things that I usually do will be left to her, you can’t kick out the husband but still expect him to do the husbandly duties, it will be interesting for sure.
<...snip...>

Happy Thanksgiving (to those who celebrate)!

Oh boy. I remember that as well... The day I told MLCxW2 that, no, I was not going to drop everything and come over to help her get her dog in the car because he was sick, that she had fired me from that position of being the ever-ready helper and that she aas just going to have to figure out how to do it herself, that maybe one of her friends (read "enablers/accomplices") could be of assistance but I already had plans and wasn't going to change them..... She went absolutely ballistic, accusing me of not caring about the dog (it was HER dog after all and she didn't do diddly-squat when my dog was sick or anything) and then the one that made me laugh out loud, right in front of her (which infuriated her even more) that I was just "insulted" that she left me. I replied that, insulted or not, I was no longer her husband and no longer obligated to be at her beck and call and that, since one of her many reasons for the D was that she "needed to learn that she could do things herself," that this was the perfect time to begin that and I hoped that doggie was going to be OK, that I would bend over backwards where the kids were concerned but that she now had gotten what she wanted so she could do what was needed herself.

She didn't ask me to help her again after that unless it was directly related to the kids.... But she sure didn't like having to face the consequences of her actions and choices.... No Mid-Lifer ever does.....

[Flummoxed]

I completely second UM’s comment that friends or family (*cough* enablers for sure *cough*) can step in and support. It is absolutely no longer your job. Don’t be afraid to say “No”. Let them see who is actually there for them when help is needed; the reality isn’t so pretty. Fingers crossed for an upcoming splat!

Happy Thanksgiving! Though it’s been a hell of a year, I’m sure there is much to be thankful for.

[LC]

I remember when shortly after MLCer moved out, he texted me complaining that he couldn’t get his work socks and ties organized. I refrained for helping. I texted back and told him I knew he could figure it out. That’s not my job, anymore😄.

[Baxter1]

Thanks for the support. It will definitely be a balancing act, the kids will still be at home so I’ll do my best to maintain boundaries while making sure they are all set. I’m thinking I’ll leave Baxter in charge, I’m sure he’ll take care of everything in my absence.