[Happylight]

He continues to be at home, but nothing has been "said."  The other night he went to a bike event and I was super suprised when he came back that evening.  I didn't comment at all--I really don't know if he is looking for a reaction or not. 

I get the sense that sometimes our kids and all their events and all the noise (especially our youngest) is overwhelming. **Sarcasm warning** I get it, its overwhelming for me too, and some of us haven't had a break from it in the last 18 months--while others, well, have gotten to be part time parents.  There are so many things that I think in my head, but don't actually say out loud. 

Journaling events:  He cleaned up the kitchen for me and told me to rest when I got home from work.  He also was changing out exhaust fans in the bathroom.  He hadn't really done any tasks around the house in the last year +.  Even when he is going to leave, he comes over and hangs out at the house. 

Our son's 21st birthday is Friday, and he plans to be here to celebrate, but he did tell me he "has someplace he as to be" this weekend.  I am thinking MC business, but I don't know for sure, and I didn't ask.  I do wonder if he even remembers that it is mother's day. He has never been good about remembering that ahead of time (even in the good days), and sometimes hasn't even really done anything for it, so I guess this year probably won't be any different. 

[Happylight]

Journaling a bit.

There has been another shift in behavior.  We went from him staying at the house 4 nights a week (for about the last 3 months) back to one or two . He has also been spending less time at the house in general.  He turned 50 last week.  We didn't do anything much (per his request), but I did cook him a nice dinner, made a dessert for him, and got him a present.   Friday night he asked me to dinner, he told me had a great time, enjoyed spending time with me, and was very affectionate.  He shared things about work, and trouble sleeping.  Later, when we were at home, it seemed like he almost abruptly pulled back, and said he had to leave.

He is not spending much time on his motorcycle--I feel like he was constantly riding during the height or replay.  On Friday, when I left,  He said he was taking his bike, and It had been so long since he rode he had to charge his bike battery.  He has had a big change at work (reorganization and new boss), and I do see evidence that he is diving into work.  He had made comments in the past that he was tired of his job and the company and that he was doing the bare minimum to get by, but his current behavior contradicts that mentality.  I can tell that, in general, he is going to bed early and sleeping a lot.  I can tell because, when I am around him, he is going to bed early and getting up early, which was his behavior historically, but had not been that way in the last several years.  He had been staying up late and sleeping in.  In general, he seems calmer.  He isn't getting worked up about politics or angry with the kids. I definitely had the phase of walking on eggshells where he was angry about everything--long before I knew what was going on.  I haven't seen monster in 6 months now, and he had been coming out at least every couple weeks for a good year prior.  In the past several months he is usually very supportive and complimentary of me.  His driving does seem a bit more aggressive at times though.  He does seem quieter in terms of communication.  He sends me random texts at least once day---sometimes it is more, but if I don't reach out to him, he will usually send me something--a tweet he saw, a recipe, a link....random thoughts, but then there are stretches were he goes quiet (12-18 hours sometimes).  If he doesn't respond to me, I won't text him again until he reaches out.  When we talk, it does seem like often will jump on a reason to come over.  He also teased me when I said I was waking up in the middle of the night that I should have called him and he would come over.

Looking back, I am pretty sure replay started around 20 months ago--maybe a little more. I know stage watching is dangerous, but just watching behavior patterns and knowing him for so long, I do feel he is in withdrawal and depression territory.  He randomly messaged me that he noticed that a lot of Dads on popular TV shows are portrayed as useless or evil.  He still shows no signs or indication of wanting to divorce or change financial arrangements and access.  He shows no signs of making his own residence more permanent.   He has also asked me why I don't ask him when I need to use his truck or why I haven't asked him to help with certain things.  It is like he doesn't understand why I wouldn't reach out to him.  Why I don't ask questions that might result in a lie, why I don't ask for help that he is going to fail to respond to.  I haven't said these things to him, but I feel them and think them.  The other night he was saying I should handle our daughter in a different manner at night, and I wanted to tell him, feel free to be here and handle it then, but I didn't.  I just agreed that something was a problem and moved on.  This biting my tongue and not making sarcastic comments is a big change for me--Staying quite, standing still, praying a lot. 

I was looking forward to end of the school year because I was feeling quite tired, but this week, with more down time, I have been feeling a bit more melancholy.  Even though it is just a year, there is a big difference between this year and last year in terms of how much the kids need me or how much they are out of the house too.  At one point, my goal was to stand till the end of this school year, and it seemed such a long time.  I wonder if that is another thing that is causing me to flail around a bit.  I never said that I was going to end things at the end of the school year, but rather that I refused to take any action before then. 

Anybody have insight into a Clinging Boomerang and how the Depression and Withdrawal impacts them?  I've been reading again trying to gain insight, and did read that those that engaged in an affair feel a very deep sense and almost overwhelming sense of shame on the other side.  We haven't discussed in a while, but the last time he mentioned the umbrella of " all the things in the past" he seems to not be able to believe that I would be able to let them go or forgive him. 

[Happylight]

I posted previously that I have been struggling with reading for entertainment, which is something I loved my whole life.  I feel like I have made a little progress on that front.  I have been listening to some audio books, and it seems to be having some impact on my desire to read again.  I had a coworker publish a book, which I finished in about 3 days. 

As a teacher, the shift to summer is an adjustment for me.  I have a tendency to think I should have to take a bit to adjust, but maybe I need to allow myself more grace in transitioning.  I think that also, there is a bit of adrenaline and focus that pushes me through the end of the school year craziness, and that let down along with fatigue can take a minute to get past.

It is weird that his current behavior has some elements of drawing closer, but other elements of distance.  His affection for me feels a lot more connected and not manic like it has been in the past year (once we got past the I'm not in love with you anymore bit), but instances are further apart.  He's sharing some things about work, but not necessarily other things that are going on.  I don't ask about things because I don't want any lies, but maybe I should ask about things more?  Maybe he thinks I am not interested or don't care?  I know that trying to figure them out is exhausting and I should try to detach and not worry about it.  I have gotten better.  I do think that some of my fatigue is do to the constant trying to keep myself in check, biting my tongue, not saying everything I think, not starting fights, and not making demands.  None of those things will help, but it is work to control all my instincts. 

For now, I guess I focus on me and continue forward.  I am thinking about taking on some projects around the house--Just worried that I will regret that once I get started. 


He is also talking about taking a family vacation this summer --apparently our youngest asked him if we were going anywhere on vacation this summer.  He was talking about plans and messaging a friend about a beach house.  We will see...

[KayDee]

I posted previously that I have been struggling with reading for entertainment, which is something I loved my whole life.  I feel like I have made a little progress on that front.  I have been listening to some audio books, and it seems to be having some impact on my desire to read again.  I had a coworker publish a book, which I finished in about 3 days. 

As a teacher, the shift to summer is an adjustment for me.  I have a tendency to think I should have to take a bit to adjust, but maybe I need to allow myself more grace in transitioning.  I think that also, there is a bit of adrenaline and focus that pushes me through the end of the school year craziness, and that let down along with fatigue can take a minute to get past.

maybe I should ask about things more?  Maybe he thinks I am not interested or don't care?  I know that trying to figure them out is exhausting and I should try to detach and not worry about it.  I have gotten better. 

I imagine we have all been there Happy. I certainly have. Not so much now, but earlier on, I kept thinking somehow my 'responses' where wrong. But how can we respond to the barrage of mixed messages? Damned if we do, damned if we don't. And it is not us that is all over the place, cycling like crazy. Not us that, out of the blue, blamed and abandoned. I personally think if we stay civil and calm = Medal. Or better, Knighthood and/or canonization. I don't mean to be glib, but our spouse's crisis also throw us into our own crisis. And as we all know, it is traumatic and can have very real impacts on our mental and physical health. We really do need to attend to ourselves. That you are his calm and safe haven, that's good enough IMO. If this question really bothers you, you could say a one-off statement that expresses that you are open to hearing how things are with him (as long as you are strong enough that is).

As to the home improvement adventures - this was such a gift to me. I was left with a half-renovated house. I thought I could not bear to do any of it. One wet weekend I picked up a paintbrush, popped on an audio book, and well, now the house is beautifully mine

[Happylight]

That you are his calm and safe haven, that's good enough IMO.

As to the home improvement adventures - this was such a gift to me. I was left with a half-renovated house. I thought I could not bear to do any of it. One wet weekend I picked up a paintbrush, popped on an audio book, and well, now the house is beautifully mine

I have been much better at being the calm place and safe harbor. 

I didn't start on any major home improvements, but I did put together some above ground garden beds, hauled home 16 50lb bags of soil, and planted a garden.  I have also done little tasks around the house, like rearranging the back porch. 


He has been a bit more affectionate.  He also has been texting me at night when he gets back to the RV from his bike nights, and then again in the morning.  He also found out that I had scheduled my colonoscopy and immediately offered to take me.   He has been talking about work more and taking phone calls regarding his motorcycle club in front of me or where I can overhear.  He spoke of the storm we had the other night, and asked if it woke me up.  I mentioned that I wake up a lot at night and he asked if I think of him--I told him I did, which is true.  I'm not sure what his point was in that, but I know he did want to hear that I think of him. 

I need to make a plan for some other things I need to take on for myself this summer.  I got my nails done today,  and have plans to go to a friend's tomorrow for some pool time, and to visit my parents in the evening.   

Still working on standing still...

[Happylight]

More journaling. 

I have lots of positives.  We had a nice family outing to the aquarium for Father's Day.  I cooked him dinner and we gave him some gifts.  He was very grateful and expressed appreciation and thanks.  He seems to be continuing to try to improve on relationships with and reconnect with the children.  He is spending a lot of time at the house playing his video game, but he does pick up tasks like taking out the trash (I swear he didn't do this for like 9 months even though he has been at the house frequently throughout) and small repair needs.  His calmness continues.  He also told us that he is making an effort to eliminate the use of certain curse words, which is not something that I had really complained about, so something he decided to do just on his own.  I have noticed that the motorcycle club outings seem to be a little more of a task/to-do item, and he is participating in fewer outings with the club.    He stayed at the RV for a few more nights than he had been, in the last few weeks, but this week was here Saturday-Tuesday away on Wednesday, and then back Thursday.  He also surprised me last night when he got home from work by telling me to get dressed so we could go out for oysters.  He shared more about things with work and motorcycle club members and interactions.  I'm not sure if it is a negative or not, but a reorganization happened at work--he has a new boss and some additional duties as well as an intern(male) to supervise.  He is having to put in a lot more hours to keep up with everything.  On one hand, I see that it is wearing him out, but I can tell he enjoys mentoring the intern, and I think a part of him is rising to the new challenge. Before, it seemed like he was doing the bare minimum to get by at work, which he claimed to like, but I don't actually think he felt rewarded by it (this partly is just due to me knowing him and understanding his personality).  Several things came up regarding kids and parenting and he was highly complimentary. When I expressed that I wished I had made some different decisions when they were younger, he told me "Stop that, you can't do that to yourself.  You did the best you could with the information you had at the time, and you always went above and beyond to try to make sure you were making the best choice and doing all that you could to support the kids and put them on the right path."  He also told me that as a club they were talking about having younger kids and he used me as an example for all that is required to keep things together and that not all the members have wives/mothers of their children that do as much and they needed to understand that it was a lot.  I swear, he always acted like it was just what I was supposed to do and no big deal.

He also accepted an invitation to family event from my sister for the first time in 18 months. 

So, I do feel like we are making progress.  He expresses a lot of gratitude for me, he spends a lot of time here, he tells me he enjoys our time together, he has said he loves me and that he thinks I am the most beautiful women he has ever known--he doesn't say these things constantly, but has said them in the last few months. I just wish I knew what was going on inside.  The turmoil appears to be gone.  He doesn't speak of feelings, our relationship, or crisis-related events.  I keep hoping that he will say, I am ready to be home full time.  If possible, it seems like we are moving even slower than before. I am not sure because a lot of the work in this stage has less external indicators? 

[Happylight]

Another week goes by.

I continue to see small changes. One this week, his job has changed in the last month due to reorg, and it has been fairly intense.  New boss, additional responsibilities, more visibility---seems to be spending a lot more hours.  I think they realized that they were drastically underutilizing him.  He was honest and said for a while he was able to accomplish everything he needed to get done in about 3 hours of work a day--now has jumped up to 8 or more.  It is tiring because he isn't used to it.  I told him I was sorry that this transition has been hard, and his response was --don't be sorry, I am blessed that I have job security.  This is not a guy that throws the word blessed around.  Maybe God is working on him. I do worry that the job stress will make him feel like escaping again, but, I have also thought that it may be part of the withdrawal phase that he is burying himself in work.  I have also thought that it might serve to ground him and give him purpose again in a positive way....regardless not in my control anyway.

 He is also making a huge attempt to eliminate his use of foul language.  I find this interesting because it wasn't something I really complained about, although our youngest daughter would make comments about it. 

He has without saying anything spent the night at the house more and more.  He has also skipped several bike events.  I haven't encouraged him to quit or said a negative thing about the club at all....he just doesn't seem to have the energy for it. 

He has been expressing a lot of gratitude for the things that I do for him--making him breakfast or picking something up at the store that he needs.  I find this interesting because for years I have carried a lot of the load and didn't get many positives at all. 

This weekend we were invited to a 1st birthday for my sister's baby--he hasn't been to any family event my family hosted for 18 months (although honestly there were several I just didn't invite him to).  I asked him to come, and he agreed, but I thought he might decide not to come at the last minute (and he still could).  However, he had something come up with the motorcycle club, and he told me he made arrangements to meet up with them after the  party. So, he is making an effort to attend.

He had me a plan a family weekend at a cabin on a nearby lake for vacation.

In a lot of ways he is showing that he has no intention of leaving the family or separating more.  He has shown that he does love me and is showing more respect for me than he did in several years leading up to crisis.  However, he doesn't seem ready to come all the way home yet, and he is still not wearing his wedding ring.  I can see him being one of those guys that just doesn't wear one.  We discussed a MC buddy getting married, and I asked him if the guy even knew he was married, and he was like ---yeah he knows I am married.  A  year ago when I said something about being married, he was like, we aren't really (which of course yes we were, but he needed it to be like that in his head).  He really still hasn't broken the silence.  Sometimes, he will feel talkative and he shares things about work or his motorcycle club, but he still doesn't really talk about our relationship.  I have gotten additional reminders to Be Still.  I am trying.  Closer, but still so far....

 

[Madanic]

I’d encourage you to try to take his behaviour at current moment face value (eg he is spending more time at home bc he wants to and you are not preventing him ) rather than reading too much more into its significance than that. Partly bc it seems to ebb and flow driven by things that probably are invisible to you rather than being a straight line. Including sadly the fingers of ow in the proverbial life pie. Mostly bc that sense of watching and waiting is rather tiring for you as a way to live.

Your first post said that with hindsight you think this was brewing for a couple of years pre BD, which is common. It would be unusual to see an MLCer come out of it quicker than they unravelled into it at least based on stories here. And there’s a lot of truth imho in the simple adage that if you are still confused, the game is still afoot.

What are you currently hoping for?
What would be an early solid marker of direction towards that for you?
What is your PoV about the issue of time?

Was there a reconciliation in the end?

[UrsaMajor]

Can we just remove all of the posts about this?  I don't know if any of them are relevant to my posts at all.

Done - I had to go into each post and remove it but thy are no longer in your thread... ...

[Happylight]

Well, it has been another month.  Nothing is clearer.  I thought we had made some break throughs and then we head back into the confusion. 

In July we went on a family vacation.  During this time, we completely operate as a normal family.  So we haven't had an argument or disagreement or anything in months now.  I haven't seen any monster in almost 9 months.  In fact, he often sings my praises.  When we went on the trip, we did have a disagreement about something.  He misunderstood the way I reacted to something and was kind of rude about it.  I said, that is not the way I meant it, you can't presume to know what I was thinking, and I am not going to continue to allow you to talk to me this way.  I disengaged.  A while later, he said he was sorry and that he understood what I was saying.  He hugged me.  He told the kids that their mother was an angel.  A little while later he asked if I forgave him, and something he said made me wonder if he was asking for forgiveness for more than that.  This was the first time he had asked for forgiveness for anything since the nuclear bomb drop 18 months prior.  Since then, I do feel like he has pulled back some. 

His comings and goings to the house don't really seem to have a pattern or predictability like they used to.  He has actually been away a bit more than he was.  However, last week he got sick, and he came here. Part of me saw that as good, he was sick and he came home for comfort.  However, he then exposed me, and as a result, I ended up missing the first day of school with Covid. 

There have also been several things that are weird.  He texts me at 4AM a current picture of his parents' house that his brother sent--his parents passed away almost 20 years ago.  On several occasions he has said things to me about plans (regarding kids) that he seems to think he talked to me about, but did not.  Memory is definitely bad.  He had some major changes at work, but seems very focused on it, but also stressed out by additional obligations and expectations.  Besides the fact that he isn't here all the time, he doesn't really show any signs of trying to separate us.  He still keeps most of his clothes and belongings here.  He takes his dress shirts off when he comes over after work and leaves it on the end of the bed.  If I'm not home when he expects me to be, he asks where I am.  I just don't see signs that he is determined to actually end anything. 

I am really trying to detach.  It is really hard with the coming and going.  Only I can know when I'm done, and part of me wants to stop with this because I am afraid it won't end and I need to let myself heal.  However, another part of me is just not ready to let go, but am frustrated at that fact.  It makes me want to shake things up.  It seems like this should be easier by now.