[zartheit]

The thing I have been struggling with is how to give up ‘hope’?
How do you let go of ‘hope’? It’s coming up to 12 months BD this next week and I thought I was doing great, and in so many ways I really am - sometimes I feel like the strongest woman in the world but other times I crash and realise ‘hope’ is something I still haven’t let go of.

You don't give up hope. You can't. I mean that genuinely. It's equivalent to not feeling fear, or to not feeling loss. It is an emotional that arises all on its own. You can't control that but you don't have to ACT on those feelings. I understand this is not what you want to hear. It wasn't what I wanted to hear, at least. For me, it was (or rather, *is* because I still feel it at times) agonizing. The only way out is through, and this is what that feels like.

Treasur wrote something to the effect of: you can act before you truly feel it, and that was true for me. To elaborate, you don't have to wait for hope to disappear before you act AS IF hope had disappeared. I found that counter-intuitive but when I put it into practice it did help move me forward. What does not having hope mean for you? Do that. Your emotions will catch up. Eventually and with more time than you'd ever want to take. That is the reality of it. And, like you've already experienced, some days you're superwoman and other days you're trapped at the bottom of a well. That's part of the process.

Part of my own process was to sit with all of my emotions as best as I was able. At first I would get flooded almost immediately but slowly (SO SLOWLY) I became more and more adept at sitting with them to empathize and relate to them. They are fantastic messengers delivering news that may not be welcome but is necessary. In my case, I sat down and attempted to locate my values, and goals. I wanted to understand the type of person I wanted to be for no one but me. This provided a nice "role model" to look up when I was lost. I then came to the realization that, while I don't LIKE the hope, the hope was real and even a beautiful side of myself. The hope got me through some dark times and I needed it then. It was only when I no longer needed it that I found it a hindrance. I was mourning and blaming the hope for my suffering. That only caused an extra layer of pain. In reality, I didn't want to feel the loss and figured by erasing hope I could erase that loss.

I couldn't. I found that hope and fear were tightly linked. I was fearing for a particular outcome and hoping for its inverse. The only way I started to feel peace was to accept the situation and let go of controlling it. The more I let go, the more at ease I felt. I believe forthetrees used the phrase "radical acceptance" and I found it quite helpful. I found that by not letting go I was re-seeding the hope. The suffering was me reaping that harvest. I now do my best to not plant those seeds.

Like all emotions, hope can't last forever. It will go away all on its own. It just takes time.

[Evermore]

The thing I have been struggling with is how to give up ‘hope’?
How do you let go of ‘hope’? It’s coming up to 12 months BD this next week and I thought I was doing great, and in so many ways I really am - sometimes I feel like the strongest woman in the world but other times I crash and realise ‘hope’ is something I still haven’t let go of.

You don't give up hope. You can't. I mean that genuinely. It's equivalent to not feeling fear, or to not feeling loss. It is an emotional that arises all on its own. You can't control that but you don't have to ACT on those feelings. I understand this is not what you want to hear. It wasn't what I wanted to hear, at least. For me, it was (or rather, *is* because I still feel it at times) agonizing. The only way out is through, and this is what that feels like.

Treasur wrote something to the effect of: you can act before you truly feel it, and that was true for me. To elaborate, you don't have to wait for hope to disappear before you act AS IF hope had disappeared. I found that counter-intuitive but when I put it into practice it did help move me forward. What does not having hope mean for you? Do that. Your emotions will catch up. Eventually and with more time than you'd ever want to take. That is the reality of it. And, like you've already experienced, some days you're superwoman and other days you're trapped at the bottom of a well. That's part of the process.

Part of my own process was to sit with all of my emotions as best as I was able. At first I would get flooded almost immediately but slowly (SO SLOWLY) I became more and more adept at sitting with them to empathize and relate to them. They are fantastic messengers delivering news that may not be welcome but is necessary. In my case, I sat down and attempted to locate my values, and goals. I wanted to understand the type of person I wanted to be for no one but me. This provided a nice "role model" to look up when I was lost. I then came to the realization that, while I don't LIKE the hope, the hope was real and even a beautiful side of myself. The hope got me through some dark times and I needed it then. It was only when I no longer needed it that I found it a hindrance. I was mourning and blaming the hope for my suffering. That only caused an extra layer of pain. In reality, I didn't want to feel the loss and figured by erasing hope I could erase that loss.

I couldn't. I found that hope and fear were tightly linked. I was fearing for a particular outcome and hoping for its inverse. The only way I started to feel peace was to accept the situation and let go of controlling it. The more I let go, the more at ease I felt. I believe forthetrees used the phrase "radical acceptance" and I found it quite helpful. I found that by not letting go I was re-seeding the hope. The suffering was me reaping that harvest. I now do my best to not plant those seeds.

Like all emotions, hope can't last forever. It will go away all on its own. It just takes time.

This is a great post from Z and exactly how I felt/how it happened for me. The advice to act like hope is lost even when you don’t feel that way is spot on. I am in a happy new relationship of over a year. I made the decision that the ‘hope of a return’ mustn’t stop me from moving forward and doing what I intellectually knew was the right thing to do. Ridiculously even now that ‘hope’ feeling is still there a little bit. Which makes absolutely no sense as intellectually I know it won’t happen and that even if it did I made a decision to start a new life and won’t turn back on that. I could never do that (which is why I find it so unfathomable that my xH did it to me I guess). I just acknowledge now that that part of me that loved xH so hard is still, even after all these years, adjusting to the loss and that I will might always feel a little this way. It’s still fading slowly and it no longer affects my actions at all. It does take a LOT of time sometimes.

[marvin4242]

The thing I have been struggling with is how to give up ‘hope’?

Hi there, sorry you are here and dealing with this. I would like to offer that one part of giving up "hope" is accepting that the past is gone. This will take a while, I know it took me a couple of years even when I was sure I had accepted it. But in my opinion this is fundamental part because we keep thinking about the past and who they were, so part of us keeps "not accepting" things as they are.

If anything changes in the future you can always a reevaluate but right now it may help.

[Nas]

As has been said, acceptance is key. I also want to touch on your other question:

I just wish he would stop punishing me without me knowing why? 😢

The things other people do aren't about us. It's got to be difficult to work with an ex, especially since breakups are rarely absolutely clean and almost never mutual.  You said you're NC but he avoids you when he sees you at work. He's most likely avoiding his own response to seeing you, whatever that is, fear of awkwardness or having uncomfortable conversation, or any number of things. That's his to deal with, and you can't know why unless he were ever to choose to tell you. The way you feel about it makes it feel like a punishment, but, as we know, feelings are not facts. The feeling that it's a punishment is coming internally from you. As you start to accept what is and detach, you will probably not even notice what he does or doesn't do when he sees you, or at least you won't take it personally anymore. 

[Greenacre]

Thankyou all for such insightful and empathetic responses.

Strangely enough there seems to have been a real shift in energy this last week or so (from both myself and him)

Thankfully we rarely see each other at work (its a huge building) his previous behaviour has been to avoid, hide, run away or walk by with his eyes on the floor. I havent seen him for a couple of weeks and there was a real energy change. I was walking along confidently and smiling and who should be heading my way? Him. For the first time I didn't feel my heart racing and feelings of anxiety - previously I have been left shaking after these interactions so hopefully it means I am on the right path though. On the other hand, his reaction today was very different indeed.......today rather than scuttle off with his eyes on the floor he looked pissed and really very angry when he saw me? I'm not quite sure what to make of that as I haven't done anything to warrant it. I guess the only thing I can do is keep on going. He wanted this. You would think he would be indifferent - clearly not.

[UrsaMajor]

I was walking along confidently and smiling and who should be heading my way? <...snip...> he looked pissed and really very angry when he saw me? I'm not quite sure what to make of that as I haven't done anything to warrant it. I guess the only thing I can do is keep on going. He wanted this. You would think he would be indifferent - clearly not.

We can ASS-U-ME  until the cows come home but, if I had to make a SWAG, I'd say that he was upset because you are not a wailing big hot mess sitting on your front porch in your rocking chair surrounded by a huge pile of snotty Kleenexes crocheting lace doilies and waiting for him to come back,..... You are growing forward and he is still chasing his next "happy fix" except that it ain't all he was hoping for.....

So, you are not fulfilling his expectations/wishes (how DARE you be confident and smiling! BAD BAD LBS!!!)  and he is STILL unhappy because, well, no matter how fast and how far the Mid-Lifer runs, there he is still staring himself in the face in the mirror and his quick fix hasn't had the desired result..... <sarcasm on> That IS, of course, YOUR fault as the LBS <sarcasm off>

[Greenacre]

Its been a little while since I posted on here, I hope you're all doing as 'ok' as we can in these situations and I just wanted to add I am SO grateful for this community. Its great to have a place where people 'get it' rather than friends/family in every day life who just look at you with utter confusion - this used to really bother me in the early days of all of this - now I understand that its not their fault, they are lucky that they don't understand!

So.....a couple of small updates.

One does wonder if not all is quite the land of sunshine and rainbows for him.

I rarely get any insight or updates from anyone about him really although I did bump into a mutual colleague at a party the other night. He told me he had recently been to another function where my ex partner was attending with the OW. This mutual colleague said he went over to introduce himself and asked her who she was - he said her reply was strange; she replied "Oh surely you MUST know who I am. I've been working in the same hospital as a trainee for the last 5 years" Egotistical much? Perhaps they're well suited. She continues the odd occasions of unlocking social media profiles to post 'stories'. I've never viewed them but she obviously wants someone to see them.

He also divulged that he had recently heard my ex ranting and raving down the phone at an estate agent about a mortgage. Sounds like he must be planning to leave our rented flat we shared and buy property with her - this is all going on at ultra rapid speed for Mr Commitment-phobe who never managed a long term relationship until he met me 5 years ago when he hit 40.

I haven't really seen him at work bar a brief passing in an otherwise empty corridor the other day. Tried to give him a small smile, he marched past looking dead straight ahead, bearing an expression that made him look like he wanted to punch a wall. Lord knows what's going on in that head of his? They say be worried when they are totally indifferent - I wouldn't say this portrays indifference?

Otherwise, in terms of myself I'm doing pretty well! So much so in fact I think next time I see him in passing I might just give him a 'hello' and carry on walking. I'm sick and tired of the blank/ignore/childish game and feeling tough enough to handle pretty much any reaction he gives me.

Someone else mentioned to me they can start behaving like this once s**t starts to get real and it can be a gateway out of reply but I don't know?

[FaithWalker]

Wow, she sure does sound egotistical. 

Mr Grumpypants look when he passes by you is so overrated.  Start practicing your "life is good" bounce when you walk and plaster a smile, even if you don't feel like it.  Hehe   

[Greenacre]

Wow, she sure does sound egotistical. 

Mr Grumpypants look when he passes by you is so overrated.  Start practicing your "life is good" bounce when you walk and plaster a smile, even if you don't feel like it.  Hehe   

This is exactly how I’ve tried to be.

I used to find it quite upsetting when he would dart off or dive into the nearest doorway…….now he’s transitioned to walking on by but with a face like a smacked backside it kind of makes me smirk a little bit and puts a bounce in my step.

My presence very obviously affects him. Well sunshine, sorry but I am not going ANYWHERE. I think he expected me to do the whole ‘crazy, angry, ex’ show. Well he hasn’t had that from me.

Im not going to lie, this whole silence/ignore game is tiring and I’d rather we just talked with kindness but hidden behind all his ‘big surgeon bravado’ is a very fragile, cowardly ego so I think it would take rather a lot for him to make that leap.

The comments from the colleague who met the OW were odd - they certainly thought it was an odd way of introducing herself! Given what I’ve heard about her ‘bunny boiling’ tendencies I imagine she thinks she has won a fabulous prize of an attending surgeon and is working very hard to get her claws in.

The fact she had to make this comment and keeps plastering  photos of them both all over the internet attending weddings and congratulating ‘their besties’ on their engagements (all people about 15 years younger than my ex and people he didn’t previously know) all sounds a bit insecure and ‘try hard’ to me - I can only assume that on what I’ve seen though and could be way off the mark.