[FaithWalker]

You don't ever have to apologize here for any journal entries or ranting LC.  We get it!

Yes, definitely an interesting choice of movies, even if it was a coincidence. 

I love the sounds of your Tuesdays LC.  I'm glad that you are taking advantage of that time alone!

I totally get you on the contact the kids and not the spouse (or former spouse) thing.  My MLCer used to do the same thing once he was able to.  He did the same thing for his wedding, told D17 (at the time) and it just happened to be on my Friday.  S14 and I did not find out until 2 days prior to the wedding when I reached out via text and said surely he wasn't planning on having the kids for a "BBQ thing" (D's description) on my Friday.  His response "Oh I didn't I tell you I was getting married?"  Crazy MLC!

[LC]

Faith Walker,

He did the same thing for his wedding, told D17 (at the time) and it just happened to be on my Friday.  S14 and I did not find out until 2 days prior to the wedding when I reached out via text and said surely he wasn't planning on having the kids for a "BBQ thing" (D's description) on my Friday.  His response "Oh I didn't I tell you I was getting married?"

I read about this on your Journey thread. I couldn’t wrap my mind around this. I can’t understand a mind that thinks like this. And…. I am beginning to see the same kind of thing happening here and we are only 4 months in. 

I am so sorry this happened to you!
Your poor kids were caught in the middle. They try so hard to honor both parents equally. It’s not fair to them when one the MLC parent is acting like such an inconsiderate @s$hat.
I think this is one of the few places where other folks understand exactly what’s happening.

When we discussed visitation, H said he wanted the 3 youngest to stay over at his place Monday nights and that he would need to borrow the SUV. I said that’s fine. The only night I really cared about having everyone here was Friday night. All the kids eat here every Friday night and then we watch a movie together. H used to come over Friday nights, too. Then he stopped. Now he is inviting the 5 oldest over to watch a movie and order pizza Friday night.  One of the kids said she is coming down with a cold and can’t make it. 

[LC]

Treasur,

not all of my changes were necessarily bc of what my then h did. Betrayal is a big damn thing, that’s true. And getting large parts of your old life being blown up practically speaking. And the MLC style mindf**kery, chaos and WTF stuff. But so is bereavement, a serious illness, a mother with advanced dementia and working my way slowly out of PTSD. Life happens, and sometimes it punches us in the face so hard that we fall over. And have to figure out how to get up again and perhaps walk a bit differently than we used to walk. Big s$it changes your world view usually imho….

This really spoke to me. Your entire post did. I usually take a few days to contemplate, absorb and internalize replies. First off, I really love how you summed up what the MLC “thinking” style is and how it affects those around them. It hits the nail on the head.

Also, you have gone through so many things in your life. I would love to read about your journey, if you don’t mind providing a link.
Thank you for your encouraging words.

[UrsaMajor]

Rant away. That is one of the things that we are here for.... The biggest difference is that we understand why you are on a rant and what it's all about because... well.... most of us have lived through some version of it....

[Treasur]

Yeah, you get a free rant space here anytime you need it! And we understand that how you feel today may not be exactly how you’ll feel in a week/month/year etc.

Not sure I’d recommend my (many lol) old posts. I used it as a journal tbh. But if you do - or for anyone else - you can click on my name and select posts in the drop-down, then topics will give you my old threads I think.

You and your kids are very early on in this, and all of you will find ways to adjust and adapt as you go. That will usually lead you all in your own personal ways towards boundaries - things you say No, Yes and Until and Not Like This to. Hard to do this yourself while also supporting your kids in their own process; harder I’d imagine with quite a few kids with a broad age range. I’m sure that other parents here will step in with tips and tricks if you need them.

Occurs to me that one way of being kind to yourself is to accept that this process is a trial and error game so cut your timescales into smaller chunks and don’t feel that what you choose today has to be set in stone if events change or it stops working for you. So, for instance, you might tell your H that you are ok to stick to the Monday SUV plan for the next couple of months, but after that - as a man with lots of kids part time - he should probably plan to get his own kid-appropriate transport. Bc after all, that’s a predictable effect of deciding to leave your wife and family, isn’t it? And if it’s a problem, it’s not your problem to tidy up as he has fired you from your wife job and you are not a car rental service!

Can’t remember, but have you taken legal advice? Has that helped you figure out some kind of plan for you and your kids?

[LC]

Yes, I spoke to a lawyer a back in July, the day H moved out. He doesn’t know. She told me H hadn’t filed anything. She said he would have to establish 6 months residency in the country he moved to in the next town over. He told me the town he moved to, but wouldn’t tell me anything else. Meanwhile, I am supposed to save up $2600 retainer fee and enough emergency cash to last for 3 months, for when our accounts are frozen during settlement. She said our very best chance at keeping the house is if he files first. She said I can’t be on record ss being employed because our best chances lie in the fact that I have been a stay at home, homeschooling wife for 34 years. If/when he files, the case will go through our county. The judge here always has the Divorce cases go through Mediation, which will make property settlement easier. She said that his type, moderately high profile medical professional in the community, will want to settle out of court. She says, given my age that he would end up paying spousal support, my medical insurance (I’m in good health aside from celiac disease), and child support on the 3 youngest.
Meanwhile, He is paying on the house and utilities. I’m on his work insurance, so are the minor children.   We get $800/month for groceries.
So, I am saving a little here and there. I add a gift card in with the groceries every week. I earn quite a bit of gift cards online. I opened up a checking/savings account with a little in there to keep those active. I have any emergency credit card with $0 balance. I’m on my neighbor group. I look through the listings to find house cleaning jobs nearby for extra cash. The three oldest kids are aware of the legal/financial side of this $h/ts#ow.  I think they know H can turn on a dime and are not rocking the boat. I answer texts regarding kids visitation. He doesn’t text about anything else.
That’s it in a nutshell.

[LC]

Journal entry / Update

I’ve been reading everyone’s updates and reading individual journeys on here. I really appreciate all of your stories and experiences. I’m finding it all so helpful and validating.

First of all, here’s my thankful list.

1. Our first purchasing option for obtaining chickens fell though, but we ended up getting a better deal somewhere else, closer by. The hens cost only $5 each and are healthy egg layers. We got three hens and they get along so well with our old rooster.  They are such a gentle bunch with no fighting or quarreling.  We made a new friend as well. We talked with the nice lady who sold them to us and we are going back for a visit sometime soon!

2. One of my sons works the night shift for a grocery supply warehouse. He came home at 6am with 1/2 case of bananas. He said they needed to get rid of them because they wouldn’t be suitable for shipping. I now have a freezer partway full of sliced, frozen bananas for smoothies, plenty for the children’s snacks, and leftovers for banana bread!

3. I have three good survey jobs online. I can cash out when I want in exchange for gift cards. I’ve been able to provide my basic personal needs, vitamins, toiletries, protein powders, lettuce seeds for the garden, etc.

Most of the time I feel pretty good. I’ve been staying busy. We are trying new things that would have looked foreign to me a few months ago.  I’ll explain in more detail in another post. The children (adults, teens, and littles) have grown a lot closer lately. There is the bickering and pecking order that wad present before. I don’t know if it’s the right thing to say, but things have felt more peaceful since H moved out. I know it sounds like a rotten thing to say, but it’s true.  The older young men are sharing there time and resources with the younger kids. All the kids will pile into the SUV and go somewhere for the day, every other Saturday. Mostly, I find that I have some quiet and time to heal. I read my Bible, spend ALOT of time outdoors, work, teach, sketch, walk, plan for a future beyond the present. It sounds silly, but once or twice I have felt lead to pray for him, briefly. My first inclination was not to, then the still, small inner voice reminding me that I might be the only one who would. So I do so, a little reluctantly, but not uncomfortably so. I feel better, and something inside me turns itself around and starts to heal, and I feel like God is pleased.

One thing I am still working on is detachment. There is the relationship between H and the kids. There is the relationship between H and myself, which is nonexistent. He doesn’t speak to me about anything anymore. I only get the text stating what time he will pick the 3 youngest up his visitation and what time he will bring them back the next day. I usually answer with ok, or one of them has the sniffles.  Sometimes he will stop by the house to pick up stuff from his side of the garage. He mainly speaks to our oldest D32. She lives here and  runs a small farm and orchard here. He has her making his furniture for his apartment. He passes messages to me thru her. He wanted to know where the stuff I had for him to sell on EBay went I reminded him he said he only wanted to sell one thing before he moved out, and that I could do what I wanted to with the rest. He told me this on two different occasions. I donated the items to charity. He was pissed. I calmly reminded him what he told me. I don’t like that my D chooses to be the go between, but I can’t maker her choices.
Yesterday, he stopped by at lunch and texted asking me if I knew who locked the large safe in his office, I texted back and told him I don’t know.
My D32 hasn’t made much progress with his furniture, so he will be here tomorrow and Wednesday working on his log barstools, coffee table and tv stand. Wednesday is also D11’s Birthday. I pray everything goes smoothly. I will just get most of my work done tonight and try to stay out of his way. I’m just so pissed at him for acting like such an entitled j@cK@s$.

I think I need advice on how to not have the panic reaction on the inside when he monsters. I can be cool and detached on the outside, using only necessary and words in texts. I think it would be helpful to hear what some of you have found helpful in the detachment process.

Also, how do you handle the left out feeling when he texts the kids and I only find out second hand information about when he is stopping by?

Well, the kids are inside having a nerf gun battle. I need to make sure the didn’t shoot the lightbulbs out😬

[Treasur]

Fwiw - and you are doing SO well for such an early stage - I’m not sure I ever found a way to not feel what I actually felt at any given time. I think you can choose not to act how you feel, as you seem to be doing. And I think you can be kind with yourself that how you feel is normal and reasonable. I usually found accepting how I felt let the wave of it sort of pass through, if that makes sense, whereas trying to NOT feel it seemed to get me more entangled in the feeling for longer.

Sometimes I think I found it helpful to sit with it and try to work out what the itch behind the feeling actually was before trying to scratch it? And what a tiny bit better might feel like? So, for example, what does ‘detached’ look/feel like to you in your situation? And what’s that ‘left out’ feeling really about, rejection by him, feeling as if you don’t matter, a need to not be surprised, fear that your kids are rejecting you in some way….? No idea what the answer is but imho it’s easier to find a healthy way to scratch an itch if you know what the itch is 😝

And pinning that down might help you to decide on some different approaches to the situation. So, for instance you are quite right that it’s not your job to control your eldest daughters message relaying….but you do control whether you want to play your part in it by how/if you respond to those messages either directly or via her. And that might depend on how much/what type of contact you want or need to have with your h and how you feel about him spending time at your property right now. Or indeed how much say you feel you have over that given your family circumstances.

It’s normal I think that working out good boundaries tends to cause us to have to think a little more deeply about what we need most at a given time and what is ok enough to work round. What feels appropriate and what no longer does.

Doesn’t surprise me at all that, much as I’m sure it wasn’t what you planned, his absence from the family home feels like a bit of a relief. These folks bring a strange kind of chaotic energy with them and it can feel lighter without it. Easier to focus on chickens and bananas and the other small joys of life.

[LC]

So I’m sitting down this morning this morning and sitting with my feelings and making a list of what’s behind them at this moment.  I feel like, if he was the one who chose to leave us, why is does he keep insisting on our help in doing so?

He insisted that the older kids load his office furniture into his friend’s pickup truck, that I look around the house for his extra belongings and pack them, and that the kids unload the furniture at his new place.  He asked our oldest D putting together furniture kits, sanding, wood staining, varnishing them, for his new life without us.    Is getting them involved in every step supposed to be closure for them?  If so, it seems as though maybe they would have a say in their involvement and volunteer to help him.  The 3 youngest did volunteer. S28 and S22 tried to get out of doing so, H insisted.  S20 has a night job so he was off the hook.  D 32, D26 didn’t show up.  So they made their choices and are learning what setting boundaries feels like for them.  So, i  a nutshell,  I feel that, since it was his choice to leave, it was his responsibility to get his stuff moved out.

[UrsaMajor]

So, i  a nutshell,  I feel that, since it was his choice to leave, it was his responsibility to get his stuff moved out.

Exactly correct. Those are the consequences of his own actions. He is responsible for the results of his actions and for the consequences of those actions.  THe kids are right to not want to deal with his stuff....