[AllieKat]

I haven’t seen him since June 9th and  I have only got two texts! So I let him have space and I gave resisted the urge to do what I would of done…call,  text, go to job and pursue. Apparently thats the way but I feel like he will never come around. My friend said she thinks its a good sign hes still  has his pay going into our joint account and  still gets mail here and most of everything he owns is here still..But does that really mean anything

[AllieKat]

Hello Alliekat, I remember being where you are now, not so long ago. I really took my H for his word, but he didn't remember his words later on. Yes, I have had experience of him saying dramatic things - not that he won't talk to me again, but he did say we had no future, only to turn up again on the sofa a week later. But I don't think that is hope, because while in crisis, the words don't mean so much. Sorry. This is not a platitude - you are your own hope. You are a capable, compassionate and thoughtful person. You will find your centre and move forward. There's not much you can do about your H. He has things to deal with himself that are NOTHING to do with you. I know from experience that it is hard to see this when our eyes are filled with all the dust kicked up at BD, but for me, when things started to settle, I realized that I was carrying a lot for my H. And when he fell apart, I was still somehow carrying it.  It's not your fault, truly. Things will slowly become clearer in this regard.

My therapist doesn't speak specifically in terms of MLC - but that is a label, or umbrella term really. What she has been able to do is be an  'informed witness' to my H's behaviour. She does give some analysis but the focus is on my recovery. If your therapist is not able to do this, you might consider finding another?

Oh, and re the 'strikes' - it's probably just a perception thing. I found knocks so much harder in the wake of BD, but if you think about them, they are usually part of the normal ebb and flow of life. Another job door will likely open soon.

Thank you!!  Sometimes I wonder if he just hates me and  is done and its not a MLC. How really can we tell? I guess time

[FaithWalker]

Does anyone have any experience with spouse saying awful things like don’t talk to me again and  than they eventually talk to you?

Oh yes, my MLCer said some pretty awful things, and then later on did not even remember having said those things to me.

[UrsaMajor]

Thank you!!  Sometimes I wonder if he just hates me and  is done and its not a MLC. How really can we tell? I guess time

He hates you, himself, his life, and anything and everything that reminds him of his past, his actions, because that reminds him of the guilt that the Mid-Lifer stuffs down and tries not to notice for behaving like such a tool. My MLCxW doesn't remember saying things that she said and, even today, denies she said things 3-4 years after her D that there are witnesses to. She has totally rewritten history to make it fit with the picture in her mind....

As far as it being a Walk-Away Spouse or an MLC, to be honest, it really makes zero difference in the long game. In both situations, the focus is on YOU. You living your best life. YOU living as if they are not coming back (whether they do or not is a different story). YOU being the rock for your kids (if you have them). YOU taking control of the things in life that you can control and letting go of those things which you can not control.

UM

[JohnnyBravo]

Apparently thats the way but I feel like he will never come around.

Keep in mind that this is the way for you to stabilize yourself, not to create any kind of action or response in him. He'll do what he'll do, but you can focus on taking care of yourself. Hang in there!

JB

[AllieKat]

Today I lost my marbles a bit! I saw through informed delivery I was getting a letter from our landlord. He has never sent us anything so I assumed that it was go let me know H broke lease. We rent and both of our names are on lease so if I don’t pay he’s responsible snd vice versa. When H first threatened D and said he would be collecting his things in near future, I reached out to landlord and told him my husband and I were going through rough time and he wasn’t acting normal and I was concerned about him breaking lease and I being stuck. He assured me if he heard from my H he would let me know via mail because he had to put it in writing legally.

Needless to say when I saw that piece of mail was coming I freaked. I broke out in sweat and my heart was racing so I reached out to landlord and he didn’t back to me right away but when he did he said it was just way he was starting to send trash bill…ugh I over reacted Again. I say again because this is something I do especially with H gone. Im working on getting Full-time job and should be receiving an offer letter soon from one place as they offered me a position. So Im hoping I can be more financially secure but till than every two weeks I panic to see if his Direct deposit hits and it sucks!! 

Im on anxiety meds and they doubled the dose but I still worrying myself crazy especially over finances.

[AllieKat]

More spiraling going on here….I see a certified mail piece has be created for me so I assume this is my H sending me D papers. Its from his zip at work where he can create stamp and have them pick it up.. i know I assumed stuff prior but his work zip and certified mail seems to coincidental.

I don’t even know what to do besides throw up!! 19 years poof and im not even sure why. I don’t have money for a lawyer but i don’t want to just roll over and sign anything. PA has a one year separation law so I figured I could do that but once he sees im being difficult and just not signing he will probably cut me off financially too. Ugh I’m sad, i’m sick I’m pissed

[Baxter1]

Allie,

The ‘spiraling’’ is normal, at least it was for me. She left her sock on the floor, what does that mean? She did this: does that mean something? I guess when you’re in survival mode you are focused about everything. It took me a while to realize that they don’t even know what they are doing, they are so confused about who they are and what they want. Good luck with the job offer, I’m sure you’ll get it!

Good luck

[xyzcf]

I don’t even know what to do besides throw up!! 19 years poof and im not even sure why. I don’t have money for a lawyer but i don’t want to just roll over and sign anything. PA has a one year separation law so I figured I could do that but once he sees im being difficult and just not signing he will probably cut me off financially too. Ugh I’m sad, i’m sick I’m pissed

One thing that helps is to take some control back. You don't want this, I totally understand. I thought the longer I could postpone anything legal, the better chance that with time he would "come to his senses" but that was not to be.

I learned to separate the  business from the emotional aspects of the end of our  marriage. The legal separation divided our assets and gave me a few years of financial support and that was really important to have.

The day I signed the papers and put them in the mail, I thought I was ok...later that night I started having chest pain...eventually I went to ER, responded to nitro and they kept me in overnight to monitor and did a stress test. Thankfully, it was a panic attack that caused the chest pain so I understand the physiology of your feeling that you want to throw up...indeed I used to gag a lot and have that feeling.

It is unfortunate that you cannot afford a lawyer, because this is really important, to get this right could impact the rest of your life.

Even though I had a  lawyer, I had two friends on Hero's Spouse that went through the document with me, sentence by sentence, to make sure that I had not missed anything, to make sure I understood what the legal document entailed. I was embarrassed to share it with anyone, felt this was my personal stuff and how could I share it with "strangers"? but I am very glad I did.

Most of us here have gone through the legal stuff and we can share things that you should be aware of...you are not alone.

You are very early in this time of crisis...his crisis sends us into our own crisis. In order to function, I needed to get out of the fight/flight/freeze response that my body was in. Therapy helped, exercise and yoga helped, journalling helped and I had a prescription for clonezapam, an antianxiety medication that I took when I could not stop shaking, could not calm down.

There are many triggers...example, I'd see a car drive down my street, the same make and color as his and would think it was him...just one small example of how skewed we become in our thoughts.

Minute by minute, breath by breath...I also had an 2 friends who I was able to talk to anytime...they would listen over and over again to my cries.....I will never forget how important they were to me.

[AllieKat]

Yeah everything has crossed my mind!! The not knowing the lack of him just communicating what made him decide this. Its crazy and I get he doesn’t owe me anything but why is he acting like this is all my fault. And to try to so quickly. I went to shoot him off a text and ask wtf is up? 19 years and you can’t respect me enough to talk? Whats he afraid of? My magic powers?? Its insane. His last text to me was to keep the civil dialogue he asks me not to try to communicate with him in any way!