[Flummoxed]

Thank you so much, Treasur. Honestly, that was truly beautiful and I thank you so much for sharing with me. It definitely helped shift my perspective. No, our experience was still real- their behavior doesn’t change that. And it is highly, highly doubtful that they could have been at a 0 for so long- approx 70% makes sense to me. And that’s no small sum.

100%- the MLC label makes it feel like what is happening makes sense. That there’s a process, that people have lived through it and survived- the label alone can help with processing for sure. I think I’m still trying to understand that it didn’t have to do with me or us- that it really is just his issue and his alone. I still have so many moments of wondering what if I didn’t do this or that or the other thing. Was he always this unhappy- he is conflict avoidant. Maybe there were signs, clues, that I may have missed. I’ve watched enough procedurals to think I can be a detective in all this. But I’m having a hard time accepting it’s all him. I don’t know how to let that go. And because of that, I’m struggling to understand if it really is MLC or not. He used to say it was all him, that I did nothing wrong, but shortly before BD 2 he started saying we had bad communication and started picking at the relationship more. I guess I don’t know what to think- I know they tend to lie and lie, but aren’t there kernels of truth as well?

This certainly is a horrendous and gruesome experience. If it is MLC, I’m terrified  and hurt for them all. I only have a history of general, boring depression and I know it can be exhausting to get through any part of the day. But my goodness, to add the additional layers of confusion, mania, and an addictive person- I fear for them. And understand why hitting rock bottom is so important, because I don’t know if they have the strength or drive to get out of it otherwise.

It becomes their truth probably but that does not make it THE truth.

Really needed to hear this today- thank you. <3 And you are right- by accepting what I believe we had was real, my own truth, it does feel more powerful as it was my reality. I lived that and no one can take that from me.

No, neither of us are delusional at all. Thank you for reminding me to hold on to the good and embrace what was. Just because he changed his mind and tried to recreate it into something ugly, in my heart of hearts I know it was something truly special and worth holding on to. The fact that at the very least that a relationship like that was 70% real… it’s definitely worth holding onto fondly with a special place in one’s heart.

Had a rough day yesterday since it was his birthday. Last year, 6 months after BD 1, he told me he would spend it with his parents and that he did not want me to text him since it would make him feel guilty. I respected his space. This year, I just kept busy. I haven’t said a word since BD 2. I just spoke to a friend who recommended I work to move on.

I understand it’s for the best- I don’t know if he is in MLC. I feel like he is, though everyone else thinks I’m in denial. But the little blips of him, so tired and confused and real, before BD 2- I feel like if you haven’t witnessed or experienced it yourself, it is so easy to dismiss. Everyone I talk to recommends getting my strength back- I also don’t want my own depression to circle back around. But there’s also such a push to get out there- get dolled up and start dating again. I can still have kids if I get back out there- gotta go freeze my eggs and get back on the dating scene. (Is what I’m told- not what I believe or am ready for.)

That’s why I’m so thankful this group exists. Although I understand there’s more activity in FB, I can’t bring myself to go on social media while all this is happening.

He’s basically vanished, in my mind. Maybe it doesn’t count until the silence goes on for a longer stretch. I guess we’ll find out, won’t we? He stopped paying his share of the bills- I’m going to be toughing it out until we get our ducks in a row. On the one hand, I’m happy he’s deeper in the tunnel and I hope he can process and grow stronger. On the other hand, I’m still not sure if it’s MLC. But he’s trying to change his job, his home, and his relationship while distancing from old friends… it just isn’t a standard breakup.  I can feel it in my bones.

Once the chaos dies down (don’t know if that’s laughable or not), I’m thinking of moving. At least, in my position, it’s just me. And as lonely as that can be, i also don’t know how I would deal if we had kids. The allure of a clean slate is refreshing, I can admit that- I can understand the draw for sure. Then I wonder if maybe I’m just doing exactly what he’s doing, only with a little more intention.

Perhaps something to unpack at a later date. Sorry for the long and rambling post to nowhere. <3

[Flummoxed]

I just realized he had tried to buy me out of our home during both BD 1 and BD 2- so nothing I did in the year and a half between had any impact at all. He was committed to removing me from his life and had thought about it extensively beforehand to come up with a number and recommendations for places I should move to. I’m just in a daze. I want to believe it’s MLC, but I’m just not sure.

[Reinventing]

But he’s trying to change his job, his home, and his relationship while distancing from old friends

Sounds like MLC to me. Yes, MLCers do things that show a lack of empathy and they plan things to remove us from their lives--or they remove themselves from our lives.

It is very unsettling to realize the steps they take and the planning that has been happening that the LBS sees in retrospect.

To realize that you have been living with and trusting someone who is undermining you is a hard reality of this whole thing. Quite chilling, in fact.

[forthetrees]

If he has stopped paying bills please strategize because this process can drag out for far longer than you may consider at this point. Don´t knowingly join the ranks of LBSers who ended up in financial straits due to MLCer actions or inactions.

Thanks to you I went into my audio files last night and listened to a lot of songs I wrote in the thick of the MLC/LBS journey. I was looking for a song I wrote called "River" as in "I cried you a river, my eyes have run dry." It gets more optimistic as the song goes on:) Know that it gets better, really, truly it does. But- along the way there are some stretches of a lot of pain- gird yourself.

[Flummoxed]

Reinventing:

Thank you so much for confirming! Truly- it is so bizarre. I thought we were working on things, but he just lied to my face the entire time (probably before and) after BD1 as he planned his exit strategy. How do you regain trust in yourself and others again?  He lied to all of our mutual friends and his family and they believed him- I guess I just no longer have this giant group of people in my life?

forthetrees:

100%- I’m not ready to share much yet (simply due to paranoia- but can you blame me?). Thankfully, most of our finances were separate during our marriage. He did end up paying our mortgage payment in full this month (a first in our marriage- I’m usually in charge of managing bills- at his insistence, by the way)- I think it correlates to him thinking our home is his alone as he expects to buy me out and cast off his old life.

I love that you wrote songs throughout your journey; channeling the chaos into something beautiful. I’m glad the song gets more optimistic with time! As much as I hate to hear that there will likely be more pitfalls along the way, I do appreciate the warning. To be honest, I assumed once we go our separate ways, that’ll be that until maybe 10 years down the line he may potentially wake up. The little blips of the real him have been so short in the last year and a half and it seems like he is well and truly gone now. We weren’t married for decades- we were together for just about one. Standing doesn’t sound right with those numbers and his behavior. I don’t foresee touch and goes- maybe I’m just hurt, but at this point, what’s the point in holding onto a connecting thread that someone’s desperately clawed their way through?

[Flummoxed]

Took a nap after work today- does anyone else feel perpetually exhausted? But I got hit by a beautiful dream of so many ways  my H had loved me over the years. I woke up (dare I say it?) happy- happy in knowing those moments were real. Despite what’s going on now- those were real. I would bet my life on it and I am so thankful to have lived those moments and to have those memories to cherish.

[Reinventing]

How do you regain trust in yourself and others again?

You learn to trust in yourself even more in this process. You see through BS more clearly and set your limits earlier and more definitively. And you know you're going to survive and thrive.

But I got hit by a beautiful dream of so many ways  my H had loved me over the years. I woke up (dare I say it?) happy- happy in knowing those moments were real.

Yes, it is good to get to the point of being happy with happy memories, even if they are tinged with a bit of sadness that comes with looking back on things.

[KayDee]

I just realized he had tried to buy me out of our home during both BD 1 and BD 2- so nothing I did in the year and a half between had any impact at all. He was committed to removing me from his life and had thought about it extensively beforehand to come up with a number and recommendations for places I should move to. I’m just in a daze. I want to believe it’s MLC, but I’m just not sure.

Not sure if this helps or not - but this kind of practical, business like thinking, for some, can be decoupled from the emotional side, so it is possible he was doing this in a very cold, practical manner, to take back control of a life he felt out of control of. (not excusing this, BTW).  You had already had the BD, so if he is in crisis, then he was in escape-mode already - it won't just go away alas. And this was just another action based on running away. Truly, I know how discovering something like that can hit hard - right between the eyes. I know I thought that if my H seemed reasonable or functional about somethings then he could not be in crisis - but one needs to look at the climate, not the weather. It can be tempting to think that they are cool, calculating and with a plan and there are elements of that, but generally the long-term thinking is absent. And think about it, if he is lying to everyone, what does that tell you? All you can do, is keep your truth, keep you integrity and only do things for what's best for you now.

I know what you mean about trusting again - I am going through this now. I started with trusting friends and family. They helped me trust myself again.

[forthetrees]

That´s a great phrase, "Look at the climate, not the weather."

[MadLuv]

My XH definitely distanced way before right before my eyes. We bought a second home “ for his work” he accepted a job “traveling” those both may have been needed, but they also fit into his need to have his space, because well he was not happy and didn’t know why. I think they need time alone to keep their mask on. They aren’t sure where they are going and they don’t want out until they are sure. Once they make that decision to leave many are still not sure and as my XH said, you were my security blanket.

It’s hard and deflating to realize how long their minds have been in a swirl of disconnect and indecision. I actually feel for me the more I realized, found and discovered helped me feel a little less crazy.