[Searching4Answers]

Someone told me,, if they leave stuff like that in their wallets or not really hidden, they want someone to find it.  Anyone heard of that before?

I hadn't heard of that before, but that would seem right.
The way they drop hints and try to get a reaction out of us, that would then (in their minds) justify their decision to leave.

My H will things like concert tickets, folded paper with hotel reservations, etc on his desk. It is in plain sight but I am sure if said something about it he would act like a teenager having his space invaded. Not much of a secret.

[Anjae]

I´m wondering what percent of OPs already knew the LBS in some way. Ex´s had been to house. Ex used to mention her now and again BEFORE she came and some time after she came he stopped mentioning her. That should have been a clue to me. (slow learner)

Since many are co-workers, I think it´s the lazy aspect of human nature to go with the path of least effort.

My guess? Many OW/OM already knew the MLCer. Not necessarily from work, but they already knew each other.

OW1 was part of our wide cultural group, ex-girlfriend of a close work associated of ours a member of a culture board both me, Mr J, her ex-boyfriend and many of our social group were part of. She knew who we were and that we have been a couple for ages.
´
To my knowledge OW2 meet Mr J when I was already back in our hometown. She was one of the many women that were part of his MLC clubbing lifestyle.

Superdog, they learn and fix thing but not during Replay. Afterwards they do.

Does anyone else find it strange that we have so much information on OP

Don't find it strange. Unlike on a normal, secret affair, a MLC affair become very public. It is simple to find a lot about the other person. Also MLCers forget things they say to us, forget that they use work or joint email accounts for their affairs and so on. If we didn't found so much about OW/OM of a MLCer that is what I would find strange.

[panda]

My H is with someone who he worked with.  She left mid last year for a new job.  He once described her as a bit of an airhead when she first joined.

I don't really blame her - I blame him.  I think she's a bit stupid really and just keen to be in a relationship - whatever the cost.  If it wasn't her it would have been someone else.  My H was just looking for attention I think and she was in the right place at that time.

I very recently found a card from her to him whilst I was tidying.  It read how she was his princess and how lucky she was to have found him.  How she loved him so much etc..... He was over here at the time and so I gave it back to him.

[Anjae]

Someone told me,, if they leave stuff like that in their wallets or not really hidden, they want someone to find it.  Anyone heard of that before?

I have. But that also applies to non MLC affairs. I never looked into Mr J wallet, or mobile, or pockets so that was not how I found it. However, a long time after the affair with OW1 had been public I recalled that he had spend a train journey talking about her. What job she had, where she had attended university and several other things. At the time I did not paid attention. Only recalled afterwards.

[Searching4Answers]

Don't find it strange. Unlike on a normal, secret affair, a MLC affair become very public. It is simple to find a lot about the other person. Also MLCers forget things they say to us, forget that they use work or joint email accounts for their affairs and so on. If we didn't found so much about OW/OM of a MLCer that is what I would find strange.

Anjae,

What constitutes 'public'? There are only two people that now about H - myself and his dad. It is kept a secret more or less from everyone else. The family suspects but they do not 'know'.

[Anjae]

Publis is public. The MLCers is out in the open with OW/OM. They attend social events together, they often live together, etc. Most MLCers affairs become public. They tend to start in the hidding but unlike other affairs soon the LBS is put aside and the MLCer is all over with OW/OM.

If you read around the threads, you will see that most of us have a spouse with a very public OW/OM. Many of or MLCers do not live with us, they live with OW/OM and have trasfered what used to be marital life to OW/OM.

[Searching4Answers]

Publis is public. The MLCers is out in the open with OW/OM. They attend social events together, they often live together, etc. Most MLCers affairs become public. They tend to start in the hidding but unlike other affairs soon the LBS is put aside and the MLCer is all over with OW/OM.

If you read around the threads, you will see that most of us have a spouse with a very public OW/OM. Many of or MLCers do not live with us, they live with OW/OM and have trasfered what used to be marital life to OW/OM.

Hmmmm.........I don't know that H will make it public He has no intentions of moving and thus far he has not brought her around family. I know all of this can change. I think he may be raking her around his 'new' friends but I'm not sure. If H keeps it like this it is going to last a really long time

[Anjae]

If H keeps it like this it is going to last a really long time

Not necesarally. Some of ours have been public for 4, 5, or more years with the same OW/OM. Not all MLC affairs end quick when they are in the public eye. Yes, yours may make his OW public. Or he may not. Only time will tell. As you know it is hard to predict what a MLCer is going to do next minute, let alone in a few weeks or months.

[HeartTattoo]

Very interesting discussion.  While we try to be dismissive of the significance of the OP, this by far is the cruelest & most painful part for the LBS.  It takes a lot of time & energy to put the OP & the MLCer's "new R" in perspective.  It is time & energy we could put to much better use in dealing with our own lives. 

I believe the OP is a "band-aid", but that sounds almost innocent.  I prefer to think of the OP as a self-medication device, more like a keg of beer or a fistful of pills.  Because my MLCer already had addiction issues, I can clearly see the OW as a "fix", as medicating the pain/emptiness of MLC.  This comparison also can help to de-personalize the issue of the OW for me, but as my IC reminds me, the nature of an alcoholic reaching for his drink does not involve the level of betrayal that reaching for a OW does.  He knows the OW is not so easy for me to dismiss.

Basically, the MLCer is attracted to an OP that is similar (similar in the way that they are broken) to them in order to fix/heal the OP which in turn helps the MLCer fix/heal themselves. The MLCer doesn't want to look at themselves but they have to - the OP is a mirror, the MLCer can see themselves in the OP.

That's what these women are, needy. Needy for attention, needy for validation, needy and need rescued.

I believe this is the case with my H--an attraction to someone broken in the same places & an attempt to rescue.  From addiction literature--"if you can't fix yourself, maybe you can fix someone else".  But I agree with Anjae.  No one is really fixing anyone in these dysfunctional Rs.  My hope is that in looking at his OW my guilt-ridden H sees his own despicable behavior literally mirrored in her & what she has done &  eventually becomes disgusted with her as well as himself.

I think... it's another females attention they fall for, not what they look like or even who they are inside. The OP will tell the mlcer whatever they want to hear to keep the attention going.

It's just a lot of absolute rubbish they spout to us, anything to justify their behaviour. I could find lots of things in common with someone who pretends to like the things I like just to maintain my attention. I would eventually find them out though, just like the mlcer does.

The MLCer has an addiction to the adoration, approval, & sexual attention of the OP.  Despite the stereotype of the young, beautiful OW of the MLC, it certainly is not the case in my situation & not of too many I read here.  And while sex can be an important factor, I think even more powerful is the adoration & approval, the validation of the MLC mindset.  The capacity of the OP to keep up the approval/validation is quite amazing & demonstrates their own insecurity & poor self-esteem.  My H's OW was around long before BD; it is hard to understand why she has hung on for so long & has (apparently) demanded so little.  My MLCer seems entranced by the adoration; what will it take to break that trance?   

[Dontgiveup]

Very interesting discussion.  While we try to be dismissive of the significance of the OP, this by far is the cruelest & most painful part for the LBS.

The MLCer has an addiction to the adoration, approval, & sexual attention of the OP

With the writing RCR has done, I think there is recognition about the OP being the most painful.....RCR writes that directly in regard to infidelity.
Infidelity
Though this is merely a symptom of the Dis-Ease, it is often the most painful and public.


The part that seems to get overlooked with the alienator is they are part of the regression that is MLC.  That's why some alienators might be a boyfriend/girlfriend from a long time ago......or someone significantly younger than the MLCer.

From RCR
MLC is a crisis. It is specific to the individual in MLC; it is not about the spouse and it is not about the alienator. The alienator is just a convenient and willing player on stage.