[Dontgiveup]

LisaLives

Wow!  Limitless' post is awesome.

Here is something from RCR's current blog for you to really consider as you watch your husband's behavior and choices.

Replay cannot progress until the MLCer thinks the marriage is over and acts on that belief–though often with cycling confusion. Replay is an avoidance of issues, but avoidance is the manner in which midlife crisis facilitates facing issues; the MLCer must learn that denying and avoiding fail so that he can face the issues.

[honour]

my son also found out on his own, and urged me to get a divorce; he was 15;

That is interesting, both my children have urged me to divorce. They are older S19, D21. They feel it will be easier for them if the ties are cut completely. Quite extraordinary really because before we all found out about the adultery the three of us adored W. We were a close loving family.

I was saying to S & D that their mum was unwell, that something was causing her to act like a teenager again and they responded by saying to me "dad, even teenagers know right from wrong". I didn't know how to reply to that.

honour

[unbroken]

They feel it will be easier for them if the ties are cut completely.

The easier way is not always the best way.
I hope you don't make decisions based on what your children want.  It is not their marriage.  Or their decision.

[honour]

They feel it will be easier for them if the ties are cut completely.

The easier way is not always the best way.
I hope you don't make decisions based on what your children want.  It is not their marriage.  Or their decision.

In light of truth_seekers post I was simply sharing my experience of how children can view this thing.

honour

[CrazyStuff]

In my case my D17 said the same thing about wanting me to divorce her father.  When I asked her why she said 'to punish him'.     

CrazyStuff

[honour]

In my case my D17 said the same thing about wanting me to divorce her father.  When I asked her why she said 'to punish him'.     

CrazyStuff

Interesting. For my D21 I think she is so disgusted by her mother she doesn't want to be associated with her, for my son I think he will find it less stressfull for him.

And no, I won't divorce or not divorce based on their views but it is important, even at their ages, to keep an eye on them and make sure they are coping ok.

One of W lines before she ran away was "the children are old enough to understand". Well, it seems they understand but not the way she was thinking.

honour

[Trustandlove]

I think Llimitless wrote excellently, and, as usual, DGU hits the nail on the head in just a couple of sentences.

LisaLives, I certainy agree that "pretzeling" yourself -- doing whatever it takes to please MIL, for example, isn't the way to go.  you are right there.  you are right about a lot -- the bit about sorting out your career, taking care of your kids, all that.  That's living YOUR life. 

We're all uncertain; I've had some experiences that I might call "knowings", but I know that my own fears and anxieties get in the way of those, and that I still have no idea if my H will turn back to me or not. 

What I do know is that this takes a long, long time.  I remember reading in the Divorce Remedy chapter on MLC (and it just glosses over it, to tell you the truth) that you should think of something that required more patience (I think that was the word) than anything you could ever imagine, and then multiply by a million and you might begin to have an idea.  In other words just a huge amount of time. 

It IS a process.  For us as LBS as well, I think.  I've gone through the thinking that I drove him away with my anxieties or what have you; we didn't have a cancer experience but do have children with special needs that pretty much consumed me for 10 years.  And, like you describe, I used to never feel that my H was "in it" with me; he found it hard to deal with and found reasons not to participate. 

Like you, I spent a lot of the first couple of years thinking "but I had no choice" but to deal with children situation; I, too, felt and still know that if I hadn't put all that effort in my children wouldn't be where they are today.  At BD my H accused me of feeling that life had dealt me a "bad hand", that he just wanted to be light; I just got angry and thought that I'd be happy to be more lighthearted if I had more support with the serious stuff. 

That was all before I really understood that this is a process.  And I can tell you that it took me over 2 years to see that I hadn't accepted the process.    And I'm STILL working on surrendering to it. 

I know those feelings.  I can tell you that in the intervening years H has admitted that the effort I put in was necessary (and he has also forgotten he said that...);  I have watched him go through all sorts of things; grasping for the golden ring only to find that it wasn't the holy grail.   But he continues to go his separate way. 

It's so hard to separate out their actions from our feelings, if that makes sense; or rather, it's so hard not to attribute huge meaning to every action.  My H continues to assert his extreme separateness from me/us; I still get a sinking feeling with each thing; must remember that it's part of the process rather than something very personal against us.  And believe me, I know how hard that is.

Trust the process.  And learning to do that takes time as well. 

[LearningIamOk]

Limitless,

Your post was awesome.  I am soooo happy you are my mentor.  

All my adult children have told me to divorce H and that they don't want to have anything to do with him.  They tell me I'll find someone else who will treat me better.
I tell them that yes he is an a$$hole, but he's my a$$hole and I want him back.  I also encourage them to have a relationship with him.  I tell them that it's never good
to cut people out of their lives.  H even accused me of trying to turn the kids against him.  I told him that I don't say anything bad about him and I tell them not to cut him
out and to call each one and ask them.  I don't think he ever did.

There is no easy path here and I struggle everyday.  But as HB said I will be fine with or without him.

[Foxberry]

Limitless,

Great Post and comments as always     

Foxy xxx

[Freddygone]

Hello everybody, I have similar comments from my 2 D (25 & 21), that I should Divorce my wife as this affair has gone on since Feb 2007 and BD Jun 2009,was I blind? In May I went home , I work away luckily, and my wife said she did not want a Divorce, wanted her family back, but her narcissist boyfriend was pushing. So I expected nothing.
A week later I was wrong footed and received papers siting my unreasonable behaviour, but it was all lies. She had signed the papers the following day.
I asked my wife why she wrote all that stuff and she said...well I had to put something but even the solicitor thought it was 'limp'. I asked why she thought I would sign lies. She said this has to end because 'people are hurting now'. They have been hurting for 3 years.
So on advice from my lawyer he said I could contest and counter petition. So I answered her petition with counter to each point and brought an adultery petition naming her boyfriend. So now the narcissist has it on his plate and so far there has been no papers signed. Neither my wife or her boyfriend have acknowledged so far.
I told my solicitor to just sit on it now. They need time to think.
Clearly both my wife and this narcissist boyfriend are both in MLC and feeding each other. But when it is right between the eyes, they are a little stunned. Am I right ?