[TrustingMyHP]

I thought that letter was totally bizarre.  I didn't get it at all.

The lack of empathy for what the effects of what sounded like that ghastly 60s "fad" of wife-swapping were doing to the unfortunate children of these families was chilling.  Sorry, but what she was advocating was child abuse.

My considered opinion.

TMHP

[Thundarr]

Trusting - wife swapping, yes.  My thought this morning was that it seemed much like the modern-day swinger lifestyle.  Totally gross and disrespectful to each other if you ask me.  Selfishness to the core.

[Tigger]

I agree Thundarr, I could not finish reading it, she lost me early on in the ode to self. Thaundarr we have talked many times about how long we stay for this ride, I know my wife is MLC, we have seen the dead eyes, the irrational behavior, all the signs are there. How long do you stand for your marriage, I think is an individual decision, something we each need to decide based on our own strengths. I will not do anything till my wife makes it plain her intentions, if she divorces me and marries the OM then so be it I will move on, I cannot date, or really do anything till she releases me from our vows, nor would I want to. it is all up to her where we go from here. She is a vanisher, I have not seen her in 5 months, the OM is a minipulator who specifically targetted a married woman, he obviously has issues. I pray for both of them to see where they are at, I hope they both come to their senses, though I do not hold out much hope right now. Is my wife having a PA most likely, I cant prove it, they are very secretive so I wait, I pray, I live. I miss talking to a woman more than anything in this world, I talk to my sisters, and stepmom, but that is not the same as having a woman across from you looking at you as you talk, and being able to listen to them and just connect. I miss that more than anything while my wife is off having her fantasy. It is what it is, I will wait till it is time not to wait, I feel that I will know when that is, I trust that god will help me to know when that time comes, No matter when the axe falls, I plan to be alone a year minimum, because I know I am n good to anyone in my present state. That I think is the point of the stand, it is the time we need to be where we can make a decision trhat works for us because we know it is the right thing to do. That we have become ourselves again and not "we", or "us" that we were before, not the couple, not the melding of two people, we become the indiviuals we are at our core. for better or for worse, and it gives us the time to heal the "worse" we find in ourselves.

Tigger

[Thundarr]

Tigger, as always your points are excellent.  We have to decide when it is right for us and there are many variables involved in this decision.  RCR made several great points in relation to a post I made on my thread this morning, and I have to give them much thought.  She is right that I am in no position to make a decision of any type right now, and honestly I've thought many times that the right thing to do would be to wait until this has passed and decide about the sane woman who will hopefully show up at the end rather than the bizarre, insance, child-like demon Monster that looks like my W right now.  I know I would not want to be married to who she is right now, and if she were to stay this way I wouldn't take her back for a million bucks.  Well, maybe if we were on a deserted island with no cell phone service and no internet.  Maybe then.

I just wish there were a way to get past the hurting of all this.  The Loneliness Bug is really bothering me right now and I really dread the upcoming holidays.  While she is out gallavanting around, I will likely be Christmas shopping by myself and worrying about how to afford to give my kids a good Christmas.  I keep hoping and praying every day for not only a good end but also a quick end to this as it can't be healthy for me or the kids.  There really is no good answer to this.  Now that it's a weekday again, I have to go back to worrying about getting the SA in the mail once more.  Normally I wouldn't worry so much, but I hate to have anything with my kids in the eyes of the courts.  I'm OK with how things are now, even if she isn't too involved in their lives.  I would like the security of knowing she can't take them, but I just hate the finality and officialness of it all.

[LettingGo]

First of all.... I'm SO GLAD that I'm not the only one who finds this woman Rachel's letter to be utterly ridiculous justification to try and make what she and her husband did to their marriage OK!! I read her blog, or perhaps it was part of a Psychology Today article posted on here some time ago... I found it disturbing the first time around, and now THIS.... the follow up to her original thoughts!! It's all a bunch of "I'm ok, you're ok and whatever we do is ok because we're learning crap.." well, that's partially true... we are all human and make mistakes in life so we can learn and grow... our whole lives are a journey, and she and her husband may feel this way authentically, but I don't relate to her attitude at all....

That being said, there seems to be quite a lot of talk about whether to "stand" for your marriages going on around here.... FIRST OF ALL.... YES, I'm YELLING like I love to do.... along with the dot dot dot thingy.... try making a life for yourself for two years and THEN see where you're at? I know you've all read the standing articles.... what part of "Replay lasts a minimum of 24 months" are you forgetting? The first YEAR of this is YOU trying to find your footing after the devastation of BD, then..... who knows. Depends on your contact type.

Recovery from divorce takes a minimum of two years, so really, you shouldn't even be thinking about a new relationship.... then what are you gonna do? Sign up for Match.com (I already did, by the way.... just being honest.... prospects aren't very good IRL around here) go on one date, find your new true love who has NO baggage, no debt, no MLC or transition comin' down the pike, no ex wife, no kids, no alimony or child support, go on a few fabulous dream vacations and then get engaged for six months, then plan your destination wedding where your ex, your kids and your parents will all be so happy for you? Then, at Christmas, your kids can divide their time between your ex's house and your new home? And all this happens so fast that, lets see..... oh, on the fast track, only four years have passed.... FOUR YEARS!!!

I think you are worrying about "what if I'm wasting my life waiting for my spouse to wake up and come home" and RCR reminded you that standing ISN'T STILL!! Stop wasting your life!! As OP says, you got the gift of time... I for one, enjoy my freedom from husband...unfortunately, it comes at a price, and the price is HE IS WITH OW when he's not working or here. Now, that's a very high price to pay for freedom, but since it isn't my CHOICE, I'm sure as hell gonna enjoy the heck out of it while I can before his depressed self dumps her and comes home to finish out his MLC.... I have hobbies I put aside.... trips I didn't take...ducks to get in a row... a whole life to finally get spring cleaned and organized...without him looking over my shoulder or micromanaging!!

The down sides are obvious.... he's still having bad sex with OW, while I've got BOB.  I used to love BOB, but now.... I'd like something more meaningful, LOL!! Oh well, play the hand you're dealt and quit trying to see tomorrow..... focus on the PRESENT. Note to self here....

[Mamma Bear]

  LG Too funny. I spent 5 hours in the car with the Ds coming back yesterday. What you are saying to us above here is  : Don't get in the car on the Garden state Pkwy north on Labor Day headed towards NYC and then after 2 miles ask "Are we there yet?"    and then Ds cried What? 5 hours? You should have told us. I for one know it'll take a couple of Christmas trees with H at Bowser's. So what?  For the last 3 or 4 years of his withdrawal and depression I did it all anyway. then had to listen to "You missed a spot." "Tree crooked"   

[Mamma Bear]

 LG ,    I'm sending you the parking ticket $$ That was so stupid. Like what? 2 minutes late?   And you were happy about $1 hotdogs      Galing is expensive. So many consequences for us from our crazy antics on the boardwalk. Jersey Shore. Snookie. Sorry Hi Jack.

[Thundarr]

LG,

Who or what is BOB?  Maybe it's a woman thing I'm just not aware of.

[LettingGo]

Battery Operated Boyfriend.... you know you're laughing.... you know you are!!

[OldPilot]

Battery Operated Boyfriend.... you know you're laughing.... you know you are!!

Well if he is not then I am