Rachel continued to read this thread after I posted her email and when I responded to your responses. She sent me this response for posting.
Dear Kindred Souls,
I think I understand why my letter was so upsetting to some of you. I received Thundarr’s original post from RCR via email. [Actually it was StandandDeliver'spost, Reply #12] I read it out of context. I did not have much time, and chose not to read the rest of this thread before responding. I forgot, for a moment, to remember and state clearly how much pain my H and I went through. Maybe this would have made reading my post a little easier.
Our D experience occurred over nine-months. By the end of that process we did truly believe that our children would be “better off” with happier, more fulfilled parents… Just like SO many others have come to believe in this crazy divorce culture. This “belief” may be one of the biggest reasons that most of the 80% of unilateral divorces occur….bc the Leaving Spouse has bought into this tragic myth. Just like we did. I know many of you were angry, reading about that in our experience. But I felt very sad to read your responses to my letter –many, as RCR says “casting stones”—in my direction, if even inadvertently. Obviously, given our reconciliation, we don’t believe that stuff anymore…I was trying to explain our experience to you because RCR asked me if I’d like to give more clarity about what happened to us. I decided to write in hopes of giving more info and perspective from _reconcilers_. We did reconcile. We learned. We changed. I am one of those few.
What can I say that will inspire you to ask me questions, or feel moved to read ALL my blog posts? With those posts, I try my best to articulate the things we have learned that made our reconciliation possible. Very few reconcilers are out there writing and researching …I’m SOO grateful to RCR for her work. But there are not many of us doing this. From reading this thread, it seems there are far too few reconciliations. I’m working to find the magic bullet to change that. It’s why I’m starting to work with RCR and others on the Coalition for Divorce Reform.
I have educated myself deeply about our divorce culture, and that culture now makes me so upset. It drives most of what I do… People flee thinking they will become more fulfilled, when it fact, the opposite is almost certainly what will happen. I am like you. I felt enormous pain when my husband partnered with another woman…even though she was my friend, and even though I had “condoned” it and thought I supported it. Even though we had an amicable divorce that we had finally –through much work and pain—decided mutually, that we wanted. But there was still great pain. And it has taken a lot of work for me to be close to the OW, my friend, again. But it has been so worth it.
Now, I spend *every* free moment working to educate and inform people not only about the risks of divorce, but about the universal urge to flee a marriage when personal needs are not getting met. And it is also true that understanding human biology and sexuality has totally healed our angst and pain, in a way that nothing else came close to doing. I share this very clearly with people in pain and struggling with infidelity because it totally changed our marriage and healing. That discussion of sexuality is part of what made my first letter so uncomfortable for many, I think. I’m not saying anything about condoning non-monogamy, but I am saying monogamy is very hard and it goes against our own biology. Knowing that makes understanding people’s humanity a lot easier for me. But in all honesty, it took me—a biologist by training-- a year of processing and working with the information, before I could achieve that level of healing.
I rarely spend a lot of time writing blog responses like this, because I’m so focused on using the little bit of time I have to write blog posts and my memoir. I am hopeful those will make a wider impact—reaching the very spouses who have left people like the ones here, and maybe, inspiring those spouses to return. I am trying to make a difference, to help. After reading through all your responses, after my initial sadness at reading some of the stones being thrown at my letter--my heart upwelled with such tenderness and love for all of you and your pain and I felt called to write a more explanatory, heartfelt letter.
I’ve been deferring any paid work for more than 2 years; our family has been managing on my husband’s salary, specifically so I can work on the blog, or working on the memoir. This, while being a full-time stay-at-home mom. My whole GOAL is to shift this culture away from divorce. Jesus is one of my heroes. He was one our greatest teachers and lovers of understanding, inner peace, compassion, forgiveness, and unconditional love. I don’t have shame, blame, or resentment anymore, in part, bc of his lessons. I have forgiven myself and my husband, because I understand what happened, and how human we were, and how we were doing the best we could with what we had at the time. As we all are always doing.
With love, peace, and hope to you all for the love you want, Rachel
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Standing vs Moving On