[Anjae]

I like being here. 

Yep, very, very messed up. Makes one wonder for how long they can remain so messed up...and why. Don't they have a moment where they go: wait, what am I up to?...Maybe they do...

He does not drag me through the mud beacuse I don't play along. But it is an unconfortable situation. So much destruction...

MCler are similar but each of them is different so I don't think a one size fits all is enough to deal with MLC. Sometimes, even if we do not like divorce, or we think we should contact more with the MCLer, best thing to do is to divorce and not contact. But, really, 5 years of spouse MLC and 3 years of vanisher husband is a lifetime...Several babies have born in the family in that time. That makes you see how time goes by...

[MsZing]

Freddy

Im just trying to go with the flow and do what feels right mostly, along with help and support from others on here

Fortunately or unfortunately we love our MLCers

I dont think we can switch our feelings and love off, but we can keep busy GAL and keep the focus on ourselves so we are looking after ourselves and not sitting around waiting for whatever may happen.

Just keep posting, ranting and GALing

LG,Im relieved the 2 women are saner than H is. A bunch of crazies really isnt a great thing. I'm sure he will eventually find his "perfect women" in some club, who isnt sane..just like him. Interesting , the MLC being the alienator, I always thought of it being a person.

Mamma , we're all here to catch you and help you along the way

Synn , as for the drug issue. My H drinks a one litre bottle of vodka plus other drinks over the course of the weekend then uses marijuana as well. Not sure what else he is popping but he hasnt mentioned taking ' e' on occassion.

On top of antidepressants for his anxiety and depression that cant be good. Might have quite an impact on behaviour, mood and thought processes. Especially since he has had mental health issues since about 28..possibly more than what he tells me he has.

I think they way H uses drugs and alcohol is very like a teenager as in he gets excited when telling me how drunk he is and stoned. Thinks its really funny and makes him part of the in crown of young ppl he hangs out with.

I do wonder if maybe the substances slow things down as they are less likely to  process things in the usual manner or time frame?

[crazyforhim]

Ok next piece of advice....what do you do when the OW finally dumps your h. She found out he still has feelings for me and finally kicked him out.
So now what do I do- he has no place to go....HELP!

[Synicca]

Dont panic!

First....how long has it been since she dumped him??? my H's OW has done this alot...but begs for him to come
back...My H has also told the OW that he still loves me...but that hasnt stopped her..

[Dontgiveup]

crazyforhim

Here's one of RCR's articles that may give you some insight on a breakup with the alienator.

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_contact-and-communication_pursuit-and-distance_mlcer-run-when-alienator-gone.html

[crazyforhim]

I really appreciate posting of the articles and I have read them. I am looking maybe for some personal experiences
and he is exactly in the mode of he wants to come back but is scared to come back. How does that fear go away?
What can I do? He has nowhere to live, so do I offer the home (considering it's the matrimonial home and is still technically his home to begin with or will that make matters worse?
I'm trying to figure out how far I go to help him cause he is needing me right now. Trying to find my boudaries...and it is difficult when they are in pain and you love them so much.

[limitless]

Crazy,
Since you have asked for some advice.....I'm going to jump right in here.

You sound like you are going into the fixer and rescuer mode.  Stop!  Do not do anything.  Do not offer.  Do not pursue.  Do not approach.  If he approaches you to talk about how he feels or what he should do.....Just listen.
He needs to figure it out.  He needs to find his own solutions.

I understand that he also owns your home.  So....leave it to him to suggest (ask) that he stay at the house.  (He may not even ask or feel strong enough to ask).  Leave it to him to find his own solutions.

I know that you love and care about him.  I would have a difficult time in this situation myself (My H also owns our home with me and, who am I to tell him he cannot be in his own home??) - But, I would have to keep myself from offerring or helping him in any way.  If he wants to talk it out - be an ear.  Just listen.  Do not try to solve.  If you cannot keep yourself from jumping in to rescue him - put off speaking with him - until you can detach enough to get your bearings.

The MLCer is not as helpless as they appear - even when they are down.  They are quite manipulative (like an addict) and you cannot trust that they have hit rock bottom.  They have a way of figuring out how to return to Replay activity (even when it appears that they have lost all means to do so). 

Step away from the ledge.  Stop trying to fix.....Give him the space to figure out what he needs to do - on his own. 

I know that this is hard to do...but, in my humble opinion, it is what you must do.

Keep posting,

Limitless

[crazyforhim]

Limitless,

Thank you so much! Just what I need- I'm trying to do nothing and I am not the one initiating contact, he is. So it's like I just
wait and I don't want to wait.
Guess I am fearful he will go back to OW cause he has nowhere else to go.
But I do know what I need to do- doing it is the hard part...lol!

Keep posting,
This is just what I need....

Thanks 

[limitless]

Crazy,
One other thing.....
If your H goes back to OW - because he has nowhere else to live - you also have to be prepared for this....and you have to be prepared to do NOTHING.
If he goes back to her - from desperation - you need to be able to trust the process and understand that the "relationship" will not work.  It already isn't working. 

Do not feel that because you didn't offer for him to come back home - that you "drove" him to OW.  He needs to be responsible for making his own decisions and solving his own mess.  YOU are not responsible for what he chooses to do. 

MLCers lives become unmanageable.  They find themselves in debt.  They find themselves risking so much, as they head for rock bottom.  This is meant to happen.  It is part of the process.  Learning that their attempts to avoid and run away (Replay) no longer work for them - is part of the process.  If the LBS jumps in and rescues - we are actually helping them to avoid.  While others (like the OW) will help our MLCers avoid and continue Replay - we know better.....so we must keep ourselves from jumping in with both feet.

Just like a child learning to walk - we need to allow them to "fall" and learn to take these vital steps on their own.

Hugs,

L

[Anjae]

Crazy,

I'm going to go with limitless, don't do anything. Your husband needs to sort himself out of the mess he got into my his own means.

Since 6 months afeter OW1 we no longer have marital home (I move back with my family) but as soon as I was here husband wanted me to help him sorting out is troubles. I said no, he his the one who has to sort is troubles out. Then, when OW1 was over he got in touch, he wanted to reconect, be friends, be my boyfriend. I said no. He was not ready ready.

A few months after he found OW2 in a club, they live together and its been an ever bigger mess since. And, yes, many times, I the fixer, had thought about sorting this out. But I know it will not work. He has to go through it on his own. Even if it means that he will keep taking me to court.

Like limitless said, if we jump and rescue them we will be helping them to avoid. Stay strong and look after yourself.

Hugs.