[crazyforhim]

I have come so far in my journey and thanks for all your insight and guidance.
There are weak moments and if I can just post my most recent moment at a time when I thought I was doing really well.
It's like the h's know and just come in and know exactly what buttons to push but I remain strong.
I just need to relay my story maybe in a need to vent and truly understand (even though I know I understand after reading and reading and then reading some more...lol) Doubt creeps in and maybe it's just reassurance I need and this is the perfect place to come for it.....

My h has periodically come to me for intimacy or flirts via text. This always confuses me as he has a very attractive OW that he lives with. In the past I must admit I gave in but I am proud of myself this time and DID NOT give in to any temptation and absoulety just said NO to him. Think he was shocked but continuously tried for a couple of days and then words came out of his mouth that I have never heard before and I don't know what to make of them.

He apologized and then said what an a**hole he is and really meant it. He has always maintained that he is doing nothing wrong so is this just part of the cycling?

He said "he needs to let me move on"...sounded absolutely crazy. Cause that means all this time he hasn't wanted to let me move on.
Maybe someone can elaborate and help me out here...I was at a very strong time and then they say something that brings me to a different place...need to stay strong and the advice here really helps!!

Thanks
CFH

[Dontgiveup]

CFH

Here is RCR's article on Monster.  It may give some insight into the behavior you are seeing.

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_monster.html

[Mamma Bear]

  Synn,  Rock Bottom equals Rock Bottom   
 He is going to CRASH sooner I imagine bc the drugs and alcohol that we had dealt with 10 years ago.......has now crept back and grabbed his a** and will pull him DOWN. Unemployed, confused, depressed, lonely (except for ugly, weird, screwed up stranger) he abandoned his family and doesn't even know that is what it is called         I need to try an equate OW with Vicodin.  Band Aid... Symptom....This too shall pass.........        My opinion.

[LettingGo]

CrazyforHim...  your husband is in charming Monster.... like mine does... when they don't get their way (making sure you are waiting for them) they PANIC and then ugly Monster comes out.... your husband apologized... not remorse, but he does recognize he is treating you badly.... what he can't express is that he is out of control... as if SOMEONE ELSE is making him do these things... it depresses him, and he HOPES that by throwing you some crumbs, by some miracle he won't lose you.... Clingers exhibit this behavior a lot....

He KNOWS he doesn't want to lose you, regardless of what he says and does, but he also must GO DO THIS THING, whatever it is, and it's frightening, yet addictive and exhilarating all at the same time...

Do what feels right... FOR YOU!

[Anjae]

Freddy, I don’t really now what sort of woman, but for myself, husband would choose. He was 17 when we got together. Doubt a woman that does not mind getting involved with a married man and is up to such a regressive and juvenile life like the one his leading would be his choice if not in MLC. Well, before MLC there was no OW and he was more than pleased with me. So, the answer must be no.

Crash and burn. Maybe. One day. Well, they manage to live with the adrenalin rush for 5 or more years. It is a lot of time. Let alone for someone that is no longer a teenager or in its early twenties. It amazes me how my husband manages to still lives at the pace he does. And the getting a more fast life begun an year, maybe more, before he left. Not so fast has after he left but is was already to rushed.

Narcissistic OW2 has been with husband for more than 3 years, they live together for 2 years. Again, it lasts much more than one would expect for such type of demanding and exausting relashionship.

Comparison between other person and LBS in the MLCer head? Maybe. If so, usually too late.

Synnica, would say drugs or alcohol will cover up what they did. They will use them as band aids in order not to see what they have done/are doing. It may make it harder for them to process. They are covering it up with several things at the same time. OW/OM, drugs and or alcohol, keeping themselves always busy (stopping means free time and free time means no wanted thoughts can come up), surround themselves with friends that approve their livestyle. They’ll use anything that proves them they are right and nothing is wrong with them.

[Freddygone]

Hello AnneJ,
it seems to me that, like my wife, who I also met at her age 17, they get to a point where they panic and think that life should be more than with only the same person all the time. What would it be like with someone totally different.
I understand that thought, but to have that experience realised risks a lot, but maybe it is compelling.

If the OP is a Narcissist (bad luck) they can become trapped, please see the Videos by Melody Chase about Narcissists stealing your partner. (Google)
This well known condition of the alienator is used to manipulate, control and exclude others, including close family by defining them as 'the enemy'.  These people are normally close to 180 degree difference to the original partner.
My case is exactly like this and yours possibly too. This is why it takes so long, but we must not interfere, we are the enemy. Your spouse must break this for themselves.
To demonstrate the extent of this, my Wife loves her dog with a passion, like he is a person and this OM is determined to even try and break that bond and that of her adult daughters. They are crazy, but they try.

My daughter explained to me that her Mum often wakes at 2 or 3am and has problems with sleep. This is due to drinking until the sleep is alcohol induced. Then when the alcohol wears off, they wake, the bad thoughts start and they have difficulty getting back to sleep. Poor quality sleep and always tired.

The sleep after troubled thoughts affects the subconscious as we dream based upon the troubled mind which brings depression during the day....the cycle continues. No wonder they are not happy, no quality sleep and depression.

This is why we should try and avoid alcohol and drugs, watch a happy movie before bed or relive a happy memory just before sleeping.
Put your subconscious in a happy mood before you go to sleep.

If you mind is whirling with troubled thoughts just before going to sleep, you can stop this.
Listen for the next thought......
There will be a delay because you are listening.
When it comes put it aside and, listen for the next one. Soon it will stop if you are listening for them.
You take control of your brain, listen to it.  Don't let your brain bully you.

I have used this technique and I no longer have this whirling mind problem, ever. It is finished. We need our sleep.

[Anjae]

Hello Freddy,

For what he told me at the time, 5 years ago, with him it was more a case of not being able to led such a juvenile and party boy life when he was old than anything do to with trying someone else. He is one of those persons that cannot be without a partner. But it is true that I’ve had more of silly teenager things than he had. Nothing very troubled or extreme but my parents gave me much more space and liberty than his ones.
And maybe, with my husband, it also had to do with the fact that we had been thinking about changing our life, having kids. That would had not be compatible, or not in the same way, with our, until then, more cultural-bohemian-artistic lifestyle. But we were quiet and very keep to ourselves, we did not engage in crazy or wild stuff. So maybe he felt like, this time around, he needed to challenge authority (me, the marriage, the more 2.5 kids white picket fence live we were planning), since he had not managed to challenge his parents, particularly his dad.

It may be compelling. The thing that I always wondered is that, sooner or later they are gonna have to divorce or come back. So, even the ones, like my husband, who do not want to pay alimony, give back my share of our money and so on, will have to do it case they divorce. If they do not divorce, well, they have a lot before them to handle. Can’t find a way out of it. Maybe forever stay separated? But that does not work. The spouse can still ask for temporary alimony, the spouse will not be in limbo forever and, plus, the spouse may meet someone else. So compelling it may be, is it worthy the risk? Perhaps if, afterwards, they can become such a much better person.

I think OW2 is a narcissist. Never meet her in person (I knew OW1 a little because she had been the former girlfriend of a work collaborator) but judging for the stuff she comes up with in my SIL Facebook… I’ve seen Melody’s videos. I don’t engage with her, never had, nor with husband. He is a vanisher, I’m 300 km away from them, last time I saw him was May 08. So, they pretty much have to be fueeling each other against their common enemy: me.

Thing is, 5 years without a spouse is a long time, more than 3 years without seeing the spouse way too much time. Plus I’ve changed, become older, different. No idea if it would be possible for me to reconnect with husband.

Also, not sure it husband will be able to freed himself from narcissistic OW2 if we do not divorce. I think only if all legal bounds are cut between us and he is left with her, may he come to realise what he got himself into.

I know he sleeps very little and is always making himself busy. And that he looks terrible (photos in SIL Facebook). He looks tired, exausted, dead eyes, absent, and the comments he make are very, very childish and silly. Also, if anything, I notice a huge regression and even more juvenile exccive beavior with OW2 than with OW1. With OW1 he did go party but did not attend massive and endless techno and clubbing nights parties.

My mind is fine. I have long put an end to the bad thoughs and realised I need as much sleep and rest as I could get. But, sometimes, I think I will be 50 and still be on this MLC thing…Not a nice thought!

[Synicca]

Annej

I am just curious here...and I don't want to step on your toes...

but, if you haven't seen your h in 3 years...How would he know you still want to be with him?? Have you at least
corresponded with him in that time, via email or text??

DO you think he will just knock on your door wanting to come back?? I don't want to sound...rude. because I am trying
to say it delicately....words have no emotions..I am just concerned that you may be giving up on your M..only because
he hasn't contacted you....make sense??

and if you have been asked this allready...I apologise for repeating..

[Anjae]

The few times in these 3 years I tried to talk to him all I got was abuse plus two fault divorce process against
me. Well, no contact for 3 years is a good enough reason for giving up on a marriage. There is no marriage. But the thing is I tried to contact and was kicked very, very hard. So nothing to not to give up. If I tried to contac him right now he would not talk to me.

He had approached me after OW1. Wanted me to be is girlfriend. I said no. He always said he wanted divorce but never accepted a mutual one. He does not want to pay alimony nor to have to give back my share of our money that he took.

A few weeks ago I fainted. Too hot, my blood pressure went up. I had to went to ER, come back and went to bed. Next day I woke up very confused I end up texting husband saying I was not feeling well I needed him to take me to hospital. He did not even asked what was wrong with me. There is no dialogue (through lawyers) unless I accept a divorce where I do not get alimony, my money, my own things that he still has and let him have everything.

Correspond with him?...You do not correspond with a man that  spend his past 3 years, since there is OW2,s taking you to court. What are you going to talk about with him except for trying to make him go for a mutual divorce?

We talked a lot during OW1. All it served for was for him to cake eat and think he could do as he pleased. If I talked to him now he would think I'm such a doormat that he can take me to court and I still chat with him.

I do not want to be with him. Not with the person that he is now, at least. I'm not giving up on my marriage. I have no marriage. So, what I really wonder is what I'm doing in this site...But I know the answer, learning. 

Annej

I am just curious here...and I don't want to step on your toes...

but, if you haven't seen your h in 3 years...How would he know you still want to be with him?? Have you at least
corresponded with him in that time, via email or text??

DO you think he will just knock on your door wanting to come back?? I don't want to sound...rude. because I am trying
to say it delicately....words have no emotions..I am just concerned that you may be giving up on your M..only because
he hasn't contacted you....make sense??

and if you have been asked this allready...I apologise for repeating..

[Synicca]

Ahh....Has nothing to do with why your here...I think you should be here..

I was just curious.....I see your H is pretty messed up still....how sad...and he keeps dragging you through the mud.

So sorry, I would probably do the same thing if I was you..

Hugs!