[Mamma Bear]

LG How do you know it's not helping? Growth under the soil. Growth we can not see. He needs to think his anchor could up and go.............away.............He would NOT want that now would he?

[MsZing]

Hi, Ive just been reading through this discussion and am trying to sort something in my head.

If there are 2 women H has "bonded" with, which I guess means EA? Are these women seen as alienators even tho a relationship has not come out of it?

Then he leaves as he said he wants to see what sex is like with one or both, he's not sure which one he wants. He said he told her ( dont know which one) that he was in a "situation" not married- a situation! So now he is free.

But, no relationship eventuates and he is still alone

Does this indicate that maybe he misread the situation with the 2 women and thought it was more than it was? Or does being free maybe make it not so exciting anymore as he is now able to do something and not fantasise only?

Or has be become less desirable in some way now?

[Freddygone]

Hello MsZing,
this sounds to me like either he is making comparison with his spouse and both OW did not compare very well, or he is behaving in a way that they both kick him into the long grass.
Either way I would not think he would be happy with the result and may be looking back at where he came from. Alternatively he may look for other OW, but he sounds a bit lost to me. Maybe cycling?
But he maybe still thinks he has the spouse in reserve so he can still play his game? That would be his only security I would think.

[MsZing]

Hi Freddy
not sure what is going on, but he still does txt a lot and want to be in touch and acts in some ways as if we are close.

I think he is lost as well and I really do feel for him.

Someone saw me with him the other day when he came to pick something up from me at work. They commented to me he was looking good. Not from where I was close up. Dull skin and eyes.

It has been commented by others that I am still his security as I am the only person really close to him.

He also commented to me last week that the party friends he hangs out with aren't the same as real friends. Well, the 2 women were party friends as well. He indicated he saw me as a real friend

I'm sure he will look for OW but I think what he is really after is just the freedom to have random sex

[Freddygone]

Hi MsZing,
sounds like you have it assessed and you maybe have to set a boundary that cake and eat it does not work. Probably you already did, like I did. For me it made no difference.
This is true MLC, they want it all, but it is disrespectful to you and you have to assert you quality and that he may lose you. You wont put up with it.
If he turns away from you someone else may just make a play for you and then he is done.
But this has to take it's course or it will simply come back to bite later.
It also sounds like he is working out that the OW weren't so good and maybe the grass isn't greener.
Guard up, but try and understand he is mixed up, but dont be soft, don't be a door mat, be a stander.

[MsZing]

HI Freddy

yes I did set boundaries ad I never contact him unless in reply to a txt from him and then only in the same tone as his. I made it clear there would be no intimacy with us as he was out there with whomever.

Made it clear as well I wont help financially anymore as well.

As soon as he BD'd and said he was leaving  I was at the lawyers in 3 days getting a separation agreement drawn up to protect my assets.

At the moment, if he wanted to come back right now,  there is no way I want that to happen. Its too soon

I now need time for me and need him to take time for himself as well. Maybe in a year or 2. I think Im standing from a distance.

He does tell me he loves me which is nice tho

[Freddygone]

Hi MsZing,
perfect, you are doing just fine. You should be telling me what to do, as I don't have a clue at the moment. I think just ride the rollercoaster.
What I don't understand is we pontificate, say that we are doing fine, but we still have this bond that certainly I can't turn my back on.
I have met other people who are really really lovely but, faults and all (and I can see them all) this woman of mine is still my priority. How do I switch that OFF???
Am I totally stupid?
At some point maybe they will push too far and then all will be clear. But I am not there yet.
I suppose here we just hold each other up? Support is so important and being able to rant safely.

[LettingGo]

MsZing..... your husband's alienator right now is his MLC confusion... it made him "avaiable" and there may have been a couple of women  who expressed interest until they found out his "situation" and then  said "no way". MLCers are magnets for other F'd up people... I think these first two weren't F'd up enough, quite frankly.

[Mamma Bear]

 MsZing and LG, hey.  Yeah LG that's a good way of looking at it. The ' alienator' for my H for 3 years pre BD was vicodin. Sneaking behind my back.  Secret bank acct for MD $$.  Lying about stuff. I think he really became paranoid. Started accusing me of having OM.   WHEN???    I don't have time to eat or go pee pee.    
     I think once we realzie that they are bat s**t crazy  then this whole thing takes on a new light. Still I slide backwards and need to be helped up again..... 

[Synicca]

I have wondered if using drugs or alcohol while going through MLC makes it harder for them to process what they need
in order to come out......If they are using more Bandaides, not just the OW/OM It seems it would take longer....

because they are clearly covering it up with that??? OK, I know this may not have made much sense....lol!!

Does any LBS's here see it worse with their MLCers using?? Just curious.