[LettingGo]

My two cents worth..... if you don't need a divorce for financial protection or division of assets, and you don't want one, why would you agree to one? Because your crazy a** husband is trying to shut his OW up temporarily so he can get some peace?

In my sitch, we didn't have many assets to "protect" and my husband was already paying all the bills plus support every week.... for me, it was actually better to not get a divorce. However, I wish there were some way I could have protected my husband's credit throughout the last year of spending on the apartment (that he lied about and said he didn't pay for) and the thousands of dollars of furniture he bought for him and OW that she now owns... also, there's that $2000 bed she sleeps in... now I will have to demand an even MORE expensive bed in the future... ours is 15 years old... but I digress....

Also, I determined I didn't think my husband really wanted a divorce... I had asked him a question months before "Do you see us together one year from now? How about two years from now?" and he answered that he saw us together two years from that time... so I knew the divorce talk was all OW and i wasn't going to hand my husband over to her on a silver platter.

OW must be a raving lunatic by now since he has moved out of their apartment together, the lease was up and she had to get out also, he lives with his wife and kids (although, he probably lies to her and says he doesn't live anywhere, LOL!".

I don't know your financial situation, but if you don't "need" a divorce, why agree to one?

[crazyforhim]

This is really hard for me to believe the OW's can really be this manipulating and calculating but I guess some people really are purposely hurtful and cruel.

An incriminating (and intimate) e-mail that was supposed to be sent to me by H was actually a set up by the OW so she could finally get what she wants out of him. No wonder he doesn't remember sending it...he didn't send it she did!!! OMG! Blows my mind.
So now that she has him right where she wants him he is required by her to get a divorce and a list of other things that he needs
to do in order for their relationship to stay together. This is ridiculous...I hope in my heart he learns of this manipulation soon- too cruel and heartless for me to even imagine.....
And of course he feels obligated to comply- in his mind he did a horrible thing and needs to prove his love to her....this is sick!!
I feel I have to not give him a divorce just to protect my family cause I'm not sure what she will do.

Please tell me how the H's figure out all this manipulation. It is so sad to watch....and I am watching from afar and keeping my mouth closed but now I feel I have to fight against giving him a divorce and again it will be me being the "b*tch".

But her not getting her way will also make her crazy, right?
Just when you think things are calming down...they manage to get more dramatic by the day!!

Thanks all for reading my vent....
CFH

[Synicca]

Crazy

This is one the hardest things for me to watch as well......we are the sane ones and can clearly see that the OW is manipulating our H's...Not only do I see it, but so does our family and our friends.

Some of our closest friends have lost respect for him because he says one thing and does another....one of his closest
friends helped him move out of the apt back in Feb, I think...my H told his friend everything that OW did...and shocked
his friend....but then the next day my H went back....after his friend got out of bed...and helped him.

It made him very upset to see him fall for her crap...and continued to do so..
Sad really.

[LifeGoesOn]

I don't think you have to 'fight' the D. What if you just said, "I do not want a D, but I know I cannot stop you from getting one if that is what YOU really want. "
You might add, "We both know you do not want one." IDK.

(Get legal advice anyway )

It IS very sad to watch them give in to such obvious manipulation.

[crazyforhim]

LGO,

Yes, I understand I don't want to "fight" the D. Do they actually realize that they don't want it. Not sure he will admit it even if he doesn't want the "D".
All I can do is hope and pray that one day (very soon would be great) that he realizes what she is doing to him.
Boggles my mind that they can't see the forest through the trees. Especially when it is so obvious.

Also hard to believe that underneath the fake smiles and laughs and him saying that he is so happy, there is such pain inside.
That is also hard to believe (didn't think he was that good an actor)

CFH

[LifeGoesOn]

I am right there with you. ^^^^

But as time goes on, he is getting worse at the acting and others wiill start to see what you see.
It iwll get harder and harder to maintain the happy face, and take more and more OW "fix" to keep the demons at bay, while at the same time, OW will
keep pushing for more and more....the crash HAS to happen. i have faith in that...most of the time.

I believe it is easier for them to let OW think for them, and go along with her directives, than it is for them to think on their own &/or stand up to her. They can't risk being alone...the demons come out then!

[Anjae]

Crazy, I’m with LG and LGO, if you don’te need the divorce for financial protection or division of assets, you can say what LGo suggest “I do not want a D, but I know I cannot stop you from getting one if that is what YOU really want. " However, be prepared for your husband to file for a fault divorce. They can get mad, specially if there is a very manipulative OW.

Their need to prove their love and to comply to OWS/OM never ceases to amaze me. Their priorities and sense of reason become completely messed up. Really sad to watch them get manipulated and played the way they are.

Syn, lost of respect is a issue I have with my husband. On top of currently not trusting him I do not respect him.

[crazyforhim]

Understanding is power and I find the more I understand about the whole MLC
process the more I can detach and move on.

So is it really all we have to do is wait for the OW to get more controlling and manipulative and then H really sees who she is.
But if the marriage was so bad with us before, what on earth makes them think that it can work again if they have done everything they can to keep OW in their lives and do whatever she says. Quite pathetic...it does start to make me lose respect for my H.

H never let me control him and tell him what to do...that's what makes me angry is he allows OW to do that
and they aren't even married.....argh!
CFH

[LettingGo]

But her not getting her way will also make her crazy, right?

Yes... in fact, her not getting her way has ALREADY made her crazy hasn't it? I hope you are keeping every text and email from him documented.... I have done this.... not only for legal protection if I had needed it, but simply so that my husband can see HOW LONG he has been saying to me he wants to come home and does not want her....

Yes, I understand I don't want to "fight" the D. Do they actually realize that they don't want it. Not sure he will admit it even if he doesn't want the "D".

Yes, they actually realize they don't want it... but they have doubts.. OW has his ear right now... it won't always be that way, I promise!  No need for him to "admit" anything.... you can still tell him "I know you don't really want this..." but it could bring out teenage Monster, LOL!! Better to not bring it up. If HE brings it up, you can say "I need time to think about this...." that way, he can tell OW he "tried" and to back off for now.... all he is looking for is some way to relieve her pressure about it... like a teenager who can say to his friends "I want to stay out all night, but my stupid parents would take my car keys away for a month, so.... have fun without me!"....

Have you ever considered that, like a teenager, he secretly wants you to stop him somehow? My husband always seemed RELIEVED when he would bring up D and I would just say "we're  not getting one..." then he'd say "How do you know?" and I would tell him "Cuz we're not." and go about my business.... it never brought out monster in him.... like I say, he always seemed RELIEVED.... either that SOMEONE in their right mind seemed CERTAIN of something.... or that he could tell OW he tried but I wouldn't agree to it.

There was a time when he was determined to divorce me.... very quickly... and if he'd had $6000 for a retainer, I would have been served... I'm certain of it. I dodged that bullet, and he now says he will not give ME a divorce, hahahaha!! You need to find out the laws in your state... in PA, I could divorce him in 60 days on grounds of abandonment and adultery WITHOUT his consent... if he filed against me, I could contest and it would take him TWO YEARS to get one... by contest, I don't mean spend a fortune fighting it.... I get TWO years before a unilateral divorce is granted. So, find out your rights.... my husband was SHOCKED when I finally revealed to him how precarious his sitch with ME was but how it would take forever for him to divorce me if I didn't agree to it... SHOCKED!!

Once you know the law in your state, you can let him Monster it out if it makes him feel better, LOL!! By the way, mine told me "adultery is a biblical term, not a legal one!" I let him stay in the dark about that one for a long time..... who knows how much influence OW had over the D talk... my guess is, a LOT, though he would probably never admit it... they want to PLEASE OW and she threatens to leave if he doesn't get his sh** together, and it's a credible threat!! But, she won't go anywhere... that's another thing I told my husband... not to worry... OW wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.... she is a doormat and will accept ANYTHING from him... of course I've been prove right many, many times about her now, so he trusts me....

Don't worry about coming across as the Bit**..... you are the wife. What if he is secretly hoping you will not agree to a divorce? Then, who looks like the demanding and controlling bit** to him??? OW... that's who.

[Anjae]

Understanding is power and I find the more I understand about the whole MLC
process the more I can detach and move on.

Yes, the more we know about MLC the more we can detach.

So is it really all we have to do is wait for the OW to get more controlling and manipulative and then H really sees who she is.
But if the marriage was so bad with us before, what on earth makes them think that it can work again if they have done everything they can to keep OW in their lives and do whatever she says. Quite pathetic...it does start to make me lose respect for my H.

I think eventually they end up realising how OW is controlling. But it may take a very long time for them to see it. My husband has been in OW2 for over 3 years and does not look like he has seen a thing. Maybe they think if they do whatever OW wants it will work. Or maybe it is something else. My husband did a lot of what OW1 wanted and she did not last. So I think with OW2 he is trying do even more, live with her, etc. It is all very pathetic and it can really make one lost respect for husband.

H never let me control him and tell him what to do...that's what makes me angry is he allows OW to do that
and they aren't even married.....argh!

Don't let her, or what your husband does for her, make you mad. You will only give her power. Just stand back and watch how pathetic it really is. It becomes very sad but also very amusing.