While I've believed since BD that my H's in MLC, and perhaps has been for at least 3 years, I do have some "concerns" both about whether he's really an MLCer and whether/how his OW fits, or doesn't "fit," the typical MLCer "alienator" mold.
I've believed my H's an MLCer because he's exhibited many MLC behaviors (but not all.)
For example, pre, during and immediately post-BD there was monster--everything was my fault, ILYBINILWY talk, rewriting our M history, spewing, anger, extreme emotional responses and mood swings, and even the "you'll love OW, she wants to be your friend," and the classic, "if you'd let OW live with us we wouldn't have to separate." He even told me all she wanted was to "sleep at the foot of the bed"! I don't need to tell you he was serious.
But soon after he moved out to live with OW, and he and I went to very dim/sometimes dark contact, that all seemed to settle down. Within three months, as I learned to respond rather than react to what he said, he started to tell me he was sorry for the pain he was causing me and our D but still felt he was doing the right thing.
(Just last week, in fact, during what was a friendly, very nice 90 minute coffee meeting, he said, again, that he knew he had hurt me and D terribly and he was sad about that, but he couldn't feel guilty for what he'd done and that he was shocked that he didn't feel any guilt!! I don't believe he's lying, I think he's sincere. Is that sane or MLCer insane?)
During the first few months post-BD he also told me he was never coming back and that I should start to date. He only said that to me once, however. After I told him (probably a mistake but I didn't know it at the time) that I was standing (did that at about 3 months post-BD) he stopped all such talk.
We haven't had a R talk in 5 months, nor has the D word been mentioned during that time, and we've communicated, always cordially, an average of 2 - 3xs a month via email, occasional phone call, or in person.
Also, there something that seems unusual for an MLCer. Since the very beginning, H's been very generous to me. Reallly generous. We signed a settlement agreement that gave me 90% of our assets. All he wanted was our boat (so he and OW could live on it.)
He even gave me the proceeds of his military pension. That doesn't sound like the financial behavior of most of the MLCers I read about here. (He did fight me some on the ownership percentages of his company, but we're working that out amicably.)
As to the OW, I've wanted to see her as the typical MLCer's affair down OW but I don't know. Truth is, I know almost nothing about her except what H has told me and, of course, who knows what's true and what isn't.
Here are some things that fit the OW profile, and some that don't: She was married when she met my H and she knew my H was married. It was her 2nd marriage (15 years.) Her 2nd H's a successful professional, very lucrative job. Her first H was an alcoholic. That marriage ended after 10 yrs. She has two grown sons by her first H.
Six months after meeting my H, she left her H, filed for D and got her own apartment. This was in a city 300 miles from our home. My H was spending time there for his work, that's where they met and, for 2 years prior to BD, had first an EA then a PA. The PA had been going on for 18 months at the time of BD. Her D has been final for about 6 months. She's a free agent.
According to my H she's 8 years younger than he. I've seen photos of her and that looks about right. She's attractive, not a raving beauty but about the same as me on a scale of 1 - 10. But a woman who looks less like me would be hard to find. (I'm a big, tall blonde, big eyes, big nose(!) She's short, dark hair, "bird like" facial features as my D, who's met her a couple of times, says.)
Here's one of her most un-OW behaviors: She's supporting my H. My H doesn't have a salary right now. I actually loaned him money for him to live on this year as he's starting a business (he's done this before and been quite successful) but has no income yet. She's getting a generous alimony and that's what they're living on. (He's using my $ to run his business.) Oh, and she bought a boat that's they paid in the 6 figures for, with her cash. The boat my H took from our marriage wasn't big enough for them to live aboard, H's says, and now H has it up for sale.
She does have, according to my H, a debilitating neurological condition that makes it impossible for her to work. When my H was first telling me about her he seemed very "drawn" to her health problems and to taking care of her. (I know, I know the MLCer KISA complex.)
So, while I do see traits in her story that sound like the typical OW (the physical issue,) there are also traits that aren't (she's supporting him.)
And my H is charging full speed ahead with their life together. They've been living at my H's sister's very rural waterfront home's pier (90 miles from me) and now they're moving their boat to a major waterfront city, just 40 miles from me, to a fancy marina with a health club, restaurants, shopping, nightlife, pool, all the goodies. Plus the whole city at their feet. This is something my H always dreamed of doing. Well, I guess his dream is coming true.
So. . .I don't know. Is he an MLCer or just a WAS? (I'm surprised I'm asking that question this far into it but I'm beginning to have my doubts.) Is she the classic MLCer OW, or a regular, standard-issue affair partner? Has my H found his soul mate? I'm really beginning to wonder!
Thanks for letting me write this out.
TMHP
M 40 yrs.
BD 1/11
Began living with OW 1/11
Divorce final 8/13
Ex married OW 6/15
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change; the courage to change the one I can; and the wisdom to know it's me.
The Alienator??? Many questions.....
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