[Thunder]

in it...
I understand the ex didn't have many girlfriends before me so I guess he thought he missed out.

I feel the same way.  My X had almost no gf's before he met me.  He was only 21.  I think he just wanted to feel what it might have felt like with someone else.  He sure tried to meet someone new, it just never turned out for him.
Guess you can't blame them for thinking they missed out.  Maybe I would too.

I had a husband and many boyfriends before I met him. 
I knew I hadn't missed out.

[in it]

Yes I agree it's not one thing it's a combination.

 For the ex unresolved anger issues as he attacked a superviser at work and lost his job years before this happened. That started a huge downward spiral.

I just really didn't think he trade his whole family in to experience someone else. I was willing to give him money to go live with her and find out but he wouldn't do that either.
It was an all or nothing type of thing.

He has a lot of childhood issues to resolve. Not for me to deal with anymore thank God.

I simply need to stay away from him for just about ever as I ended up in the emergency room due to his issues.

[Medusa]

I understand the ex didn't have many girlfriends before me so I guess he thought he missed out.

Yep. Mine told me "I just need to f*** other people for awhile." Other people was really other person.

He thought he was missing out. Fine. Guess he thought I must have been missing out, too, since I was encouraged to sleep with other men (as long as their Pen!$ is smaller than his). 

[in it]

OMG Medusa I forgot that was you!!  Yep measuring tape at the ready WTF kind of a thing is that to say??

Yeah let him find out you'd been with someone else and see how he feels about that!!

[blackice]

i got the whole, i never knew anybody other than you speech. really. when i was the one who has never been with anyone else and he was so not a virgin when we met.

[in it]

Sounds like he's pulling a reverse on you blackice..the ex told me once " You know you never finish anything you start"

Excuse me? You are talking about yourself - not me.

That stuff will drive you nuts...

[blackice]

oh yeah definitely. also said he thought i didn't love him anymore, he buried his love for me and it scared him to feel that way about me because it was too strong, that i was boring and didn't want to do anything. when now all he does is sit in his apartment and watch movies and does nothing but text me and sit on facebook.

lots of projection on his end for justifying his affair and now he can't say anything cause he knows it isn't true.

[onlyjo]

LL
good discussion!
during my ex h's crisis, and when we were still living together, and married, and i was trying to figure out what the hell was going on, i texted a friend of mine and said "h is like the woman in this relationship"--and he WAS...

i agree that FEAR is the common thread here, with the MLCer male or female. FEAR of perceived conflict, FEAR of what others may think, just living FEARFULLY... (medusa--your ex h is also FEARFUL that someone may have a bigger Pen!$ than he does--makes me LAUGH every time i read it--you can't make this $h!te up!!!)  i also have to hone in on the WEAKNESS aspect as well, especially for my MLCer.  he is weak, weak, weak.  never developed, or was guided toward the importance of developing, a strong sense of self, or moral character, or any of it.  so the WEAKNESS is all tied up in the FOO issues...

for me, from my perspective, FEAR and WEAKNESS are the reason my ex h is where he is today. 
in a brief moment of awareness, ex h sent me an email that said:
you will never understand. you have always been so much stronger than i have.  i have emotional baggage that swallowed me whole. 

i'll have to read the links again, too.  good info.
thanks
onlyjo

[terrified_in_TN]

I understand the ex didn't have many girlfriends before me so I guess he thought he missed out.

Yep. Mine told me "I just need to f*** other people for awhile." Other people was really other person.

He thought he was missing out. Fine. Guess he thought I must have been missing out, too, since I was encouraged to sleep with other men (as long as their Pen!$ is smaller than his). 

  Ouch.  I can kind of relate to this, both as a male LBSer and from my MLC w's perspective.  Neither of us was very "experienced".  I had my own little MLC in 2009 with old flame.  Went no where.  Out of stagnation, possibly my own guilt, and the desire for my wife to NOT feel as though she missed out we had some "indiscretions" at the end.  She ended up leaving me for him.

  Although she kept saying "its not about HIM, its about ME".  She definitely hit that age where she went "whoa, there are fewer days ahead than there are behind, and I have not lived yet".

  Funny thing, after she turned off the emotional switch completely, she told me "I don't care if I end up poor and alone, at least I will be happy".  Later I questioned her about that comment and she clarified "alone" to mean "without a husband".  I think she has abandonment issues, is now that I look back, she has been wanting out of this marriage for a while, but she only jumped after she had another waiting in the wings.  Same thing she did to her first husband with me.  However, I figured a 20+ year long relationship was immune to falling apart.  Although things weren't perfect, I thought we were in it together for the long haul.

-Terrified

-EDIT-  Meant to add for those that don't know my story, w has NEVER been single in her life.  She got pregnant at 18, and married what I thought was the wrong guy for the right reasons.  Then she jumped out of that m into a relationship with me.  And although she has expressed desire to be "without a husband", looks like its that time in her life to jump out of the R with me and into R with the next guy (OM).

[in it]

Terrified- Looks like an exit affair. She had no way to really tell you she wanted out and not have someone else to use as an excuse.

And she was honest when she said it was about her and not him.

They tend to remove us from the picture. They have a tough time putting their brains as to what the reasons why might be.

And OJ? I felt more like the man in the relationship at just about every level. I told him once. "You'll make a man out of me yet"