[Mermaid]

First of all, I agree with OP and Love being on higher ground, this thread is invasive, and quite bitter. It's also focussed far too much on your H and OW, rather than your journey.

But, as OP says, this is a gift of time to find ourselves. We can use it to grow stronger, to become whole, and find our direction in life. If we fail in this task at this time, we are in danger of becoming bitter, focussing too much on them and how they have hurt us instead of on ourselves and our growth.

It's not easy; this weekend, we discussed that the most difficult thing to overcome is the hurt, resentment and anger. But we know we have to.

We have focused way too much on our SPOUSES.  Probably way too much most of our married lives.  That's ok though, we honestly didn't know any better and had no reason to question the sense of it.  Now is different, we have experienced up close and personal what our desire to PLEASE and be NEEDED by our spouses, has created.  Spouses that took us completely for granted and even resentful of that we did these things, as if in some way it PREVENTED them from having something THEY wanted/needed.  quite bazaar actually.

As difficult as it is to find out the person you really are, especially when we are experiencing such intense rejection and abandonment, once able to work around these things and actually overcome and go through it... all begins to become clear.  We don't have to change everything about ourselves but I believe in our hearts we know what needs to be changed about ourselves.  As time moves on, slowly we see the changes within ourselves, joy and pride over simple achievements are felt. 

At that point, there really is no turning back. 

Stayed is right.

This is OUR journey. We have all been hurt; this is a place to heal, not to pick at scabs.

It's not that we shouldn't talk about what hurts us, or try and understand what is going on in their heads, so long as this helps us to accept the process and to move along our path.

[StillStanding]

You did give me something to think about...are we not all anonymous? Is it possible to trace who we are and what we post?

honour

I would have to say regardless of what you think... you are fare less anonymous then we all like to think and hope.  The things you can do with google are insane.  I am a techy myself and I am pretty sure that if I put my mind to it depending on how much people post and what they say... I could probably track someone down of visa versa.  Not that I ever would, but given the right technical skills and what not.  Forms + Facebook + other online social networking.  As for myself I am not worried about my anonymity very much.  I hope that does scare people too much into what they do or do not post.

There are definitely people on this forum whose MLCers come here to see what they are saying. This is one of the reasons why we have the Subscribers-only board, to give people who need it extra privacy.

Facebook is far less favorable to anonymity; The other day I logged into the FB account that I use for posting to the alt group, and one of my friends popped up as a friend suggestion. I think the only things that my two accounts have in common are the state that I live in.

My concerns about this thread, beyond the obvious privacy issues, is that it's very easy to promote resentment and hostility towards our MLCers.

[StandandDeliver]

Ziggee, I am not so worried about what I post either, mainly because I have not lied about anything, although of course it does look at our break-up from my perspective. In order to be considered libellous, I suppose I would need to identify who my H was and be trying to sully his name. Seeing as I have no desire to "out" him (or me) he would be libelling himself if he decided to find my thread and state categorically that S&D was his wife and then he would have to prove that rather than just discussing things that happened, she was actually slandering him.

As for divorce proceedings, I can't actually think what I would have to write about him and our sitch for it to have a great enough impact for him to be bothered with it... but then again I am not a lawyer, who knows what they would be looking for...

I do agree with Mermaid's point that we focus too much on our spouses at times here, often because we are not able to discuss it with people in RL, but still it is better to focus on ourselves. Of course part of our journey is trying to make sense of the other person R and how it fits in to the crisis and therefore our journey. Maybe for some it is cathartic to let it all out, who knows (I would like to think that my posts about H make up a small part of my overall posts here these days, but I am still sure I remain more focused on him than is good for me)... I would not go as far as to call the people's posts about this sick, though. Because everyone here is having a tough time and we all handle it differently...

[ziggee]

I do agree with Mermaid's point that we focus too much on our spouses at times here, often because we are not able to discuss it with people in RL, but still it is better to focus on ourselves. Of course part of our journey is trying to make sense of the other person R and how it fits in to the crisis and therefore our journey. Maybe for some it is cathartic to let it all out, who knows (I would like to think that my posts about H make up a small part of my overall posts here these days, but I am still sure I remain more focused on him than is good for me)... I would not go as far as to call the people's posts about this sick, though. Because everyone here is having a tough time and we all handle it differently...

Fundamentally I agree we spend too much time discussing them... but really what choice do we have?  We are all trying to cope with what they are doing.  Which means we talk about what they did last night... then how we feel about it.  Then we get feedback from the group on what it means or a hey me to.  I does seem to be a direct conflict with GAL and detaching but it is where the conversation seems to always start.  I think I am going to have to really put a concerted effort in the my posts to flip it upside down.

In fact... I think I am going to have to do that with everything... It has been my strength all my life... I work problems backwards from 90% of the world... I am going find a way to use my backwards thinking here to somehow.  Sorry I digress... just my wandering mind

Me

[limitless]

Hey Zig,

We always have choice.....we do - even if we choose not to accept that.

Yes.  We do comment on what the MLCer is doing....how we feel about it...what we think it "means."  I guess that is part of chronicaling the crisis.  We also need to comment on ourselves...and how WE are.

[ziggee]

Hey Zig,

We always have choice.....we do - even if we choose not to accept that.

Yes.  We do comment on what the MLCer is doing....how we feel about it...what we think it "means."  I guess that is part of chronicling the crisis.  We also need to comment on ourselves...and how WE are.

It feels like I have a finite number of choices really. I can choose what to make for dinner I can chose to accept behavior or not but once that choice has been made... it really feels my choices are very limited... I have to focus on my work... pays the bills, my kids because they didnt deserve any of this and myself.  Even myself I dont get that much time at all.  I have choices on how I respond to separate situations... but I really dont... I typically choose not to exacerbate vs how I really want to respond which is why I like here... I can say what is really in my head... even it is only there for the 5 minutes it took to post and then change it again.

[Love being on higher grounds]

I will just back up what OP SS and a couple others have said with...If our MLCers want to find out what we post...they WILL find a way to do it...

Hugs,
L

[kikki]

I was trying to demonstrate that the level of depth in the affair relationship is very superficial, which may help some people who are trying to understand how their long term partner with whom a deep relationship had been formed over years could believe that they are in love with someone else because they understand each other's laundry issues (sorry facetious). It does demonstrate the crisis element in all of this.

I think this is very true S and D - it is helpful to understand the dynamics of this very strange relationship.
Then we can let go again, and detach some more.

[honour]

I was trying to demonstrate that the level of depth in the affair relationship is very superficial, which may help some people who are trying to understand how their long term partner with whom a deep relationship had been formed over years could believe that they are in love with someone else because they understand each other's laundry issues (sorry facetious). It does demonstrate the crisis element in all of this.

I think this is very true S and D - it is helpful to understand the dynamics of this very strange relationship.
Then we can let go again, and detach some more.

This is the view I took of this thread. I know a lot about being a LBS from my own experience and the experience of everyone here and other places but I know very little about the thought processes of an MLCer. MLCers don't talk directly about what they are feeling to the LBS (at least mine certainly didn't). Threads such as the sticky thread "A view from the other side - my fog stoy" and this thread gives us some insight. I feel the more knowledge I have the less bitter I become. Because we know so little, the shock and confusion we feel from what we are confronted with leaves saying a collective  "er?" and asking a collective "why?". Finding answers salves.

Judging this thread "sick" is possibly somewhat harsh. Adultery is sick. For a suffering LBS to vent in a virtual world such as this forum and to receive some cathartic therapy from doing so is why we are all here is it not?

honour

[Anjae]

This thread is not meant to be funny. It is merely for information, and like StandandDeliver, kikki and honour said, it is a way of showing us all, LBS what really goes between and MCLer and other person. It allow us to see how shallow, superficial and fantasy land it is. Also, how troubled and confused the MCLer is.

There is nothing in what I've posted here that most of us do not talk about in many other threads and posts. Sometimes, some of us even tell more descriptive tales of the acts and saying of their spouses and other person.

As for the privacy issues and sick, well, like honour said, adultery is sick (and this sort of correspondence is what happens when a spouse is involved with an alienator), and, in this case, the privacy is not an issue. This come from our joint email accounts and shared computer files. So, it belongs as much to my husband as to me, it is part of my journey on this crisis as it is his. By using joint property, it means whatever is mailed and stored there belongs to both of us.

I'm sorry if this troubles some of you but this (and worst) is what goes between a person in MCL and an alienator. Not nice to read, let alone if you're the spouse. But a precious insight into their mind.

Harsh and troubling this may be it does help to get things in perspective, to allow us to see through their eyes,and have a view from the other side.  And, yes, we do have to chronicle the crisis, the good, the bad, the worst.

If an MCL want to find what is in this forum they can. That is valid to everything that is written in this forum, not just on this thread.