[toughtimes]

In fact, not being able to rely (depend) on our MLC spouses is one of our problems, isn't' it? We cannot count with them for anything. We either want to have some one we can depend upon, and can depend on us, or we want someone we cannot = an MLCer.

This is exactly the situation I found myself in. I was pregnant with young son, I needed a hunter gatherer, instead I got a guy who brought nothing to the table (he even metaphorically took the table and a couple of the chairs  ) and left me holding the baby. If I was codependent then I needed to be biologically in order to ensure the survival of myself and our children. I wasn't codependent anyway, I had no choice but to be hugely capable and independent ... Just pi$$ed off my h was acting so selfishly at a time when I was reliant upon his role as strong provider, the role the MLCer is running from.

[Albatross]

Codependency in some degree in marriage is normal, especially in long therm marriages with children. We are literally family, like pack of wolves in animal world. But exists unhealthy co-dependence, individual who suffer that before marriage bring it into marriage. Young human have goal to rise into independent one and then left original family and then form own new family.  Sure he/she will connected with original family, in healthy way.

Point is that someone can be codependent in original family and bring that unhealthy co-dependence in new one.
 

[in it]

Studies have shown that people who have frequent sex are generally healthier

Oh goody, so I surmise that I should be dropping dead any moment now...

Ok... I want to know where the line forms for all the dead bodies for the lack of sex??

Should I bring wheelbarrows with me or what???

[Ready2Transform]

Point is that someone can be codependent in original family and bring that unhealthy co-dependence in new one.

This is a very good point.  Some of us who see our spouses suddenly leave us and return to their family of origin during crisis (where they might not have even been seemingly close before) really see it manifest.

[in it]

Tbh annej I don't think I really want an extra 2 years at the end of my life! Seven extra years for a man though is significant!

The way I look at it is: 

Due to his threat to kill me if I didn't give him the divorce I'm already 3 years ahead of the lifespan I would have had had I not done it.

And due to this last "go around" I cannot imagine that I decreased my lifespan due to the ABSENCE OF STRESS I was absorbing due to a TOTALLY dysfunctional co-dependent relationship.

However he did have to kick me out and assault me in order for me to get here. Oh well took me a little while to catch on. Just didn't want to give up I guess...

[Anjae]

Well, I want the 2 extra years. Then again I would not mind to live 200 years and be able to observe all the changes the world will suffer. 

But I do understand what you say about you being 3 years ahead of your lifespan and that you would not be if you had not given your husband divorce.

Mr J was nasty and violent as well early on but not like your husband. Still, one day things got pretty bad. Gladly he then calmed down. But I have been living over 300 km from him for over 6 years and I never see him.

Not sure I would want to be alone with him until his crisis is totally done. And even when that happens...   

[in it]

I wouldn't get anywhere near mine without a Trooper in the room.

Some of my friends said they wouldn't live a mile and a half down the road from him like I do. I told them this is my village and I was living here and that idiot wasn't going to chase me out.

[kikki]

Courtesy of HeyJude:

Psychiatry Professor, Gin Malhi, on his research into the minds of teenage girls and early signals of the development of depression as heard on Nine to Noon, Radio New Zealand. http://www.radionz.co.nz/national/programmes/ninetonoon/audio/2578823/parenting-with-gin-malhi


 

[kikki]

From Professor Gin Malhi's talk above:

Stress, pressure and underlying causes of depression and anxiety.

What may be okay for one person, may trigger an event in another person.
For example - we all have immunity at different levels - if we are exposed to the same bugs, the person with lower levels of immunity will get the infection.  That's not to say that the other person wouldn't get the infection if they're exposed long enough.
The level of immunity that we start off with, will be a gene determinant.

Our brains are functioning in terms of our immune system and our stress axis - it's all unique to each individual.  You can't compare and say this person didn't respond to this loss with depression.  Why did it affect this person in such a drastic manner?

Our brains develop and evolve over 20-25 years.  During that time, they become unique organs.  Each have strengths and weaknesses.  In terms of attributes that function perfectly well, and some that have some scarring/some vulnerability, and that may well be because of the early environment that the person has grown up in. 

In terms of emotional disorders and what causes depression, there are a number of factors.
There is a genetic component - we know it runs in families.
There's also a strong hormonal component because its much more common in women and girls.  The role of stress is pivotal - low grade chronic stress, rather than acute stress is much more damaging.

Stress does damage braincells and kill braincells.  That is going to be a factor in developing anxiety disorders as well as depression. 

[kikki]

This all has me wondering - Is 'male type acting out depression' going to one day have its own name or own depression sub category?
Terence Real has written about it in his book 'I don't want to hear about it - Overcoming the secret legacy of Male Depression'.

And is midlife depression so common in men because of the comparative loss of testosterone to female hormone ratio?  Does testosterone protect men to some extent earlier in life?