[Which of these do you believe was the main factor triggering your spouse's MLC?]

Which of these do you believe was the main factor triggering your spouse's MLC?

Stress and/ or burnout

12 (25%)

Medication

1 (2.1%)

Dealing with childhood issues

10 (20.8%)

Hormonal changes

3 (6.3%)

Depression

8 (16.7%)

Neurological changes, unrelated to anything outside

1 (2.1%)

Underlying personality disorder,

7 (14.6%)

Social fears (aging, mortality, children leaving, etc.)

2 (4.2%)

Genetics

0 (0%)

External factors (work, OW, etc.)

1 (2.1%)

None of these (please add a note) Death of his mother

3 (6.3%)

Total Members Voted: 48

Voting closed: August 20, 2016, 03:03:33 PM

[Thunder]

I voted for hormonal changes, but social fears (aging) would have been second.

I feel because of hormonal changes and the fear of aging caused his depression.

So for me it's:
Hormonal changes + fear of aging = depression/MLC

[OldPilot]

This may explain why he continues to remain in contact with me.....I am still the one who brings family together, he may see me, with my ability to emotionally connect, as a link to that world that he has no access to....for indeed, his comment to me many years ago as to why he can not live with me as my being too intense also has some truth in it...but I think it is also what draws him towards me at times.

I think he sees you  as his mother.
Who would ever have a marital relationship with their mother?

[xyzcf]

OP stated:

I think he sees you  as his mother.
Who would ever have a marital relationship with their mother?

Indeed, they may see us as a parent....as so often the crisis occurs after a parent dies.

As long as he is in crisis, he's incapable of having a healthy emotional relationship with anyone.

At this point in time, I celebrate opportunities that we can share together as a family. As we have always said, our marriages were over at BD and if reconciliation ever did occur, it certainly would be a "new" relationship and one that could only happen when the MLCer has managed to resolve their crisis/depression or what ever sent them running away in the first place.

Hopefully, he would not see me as his mother then 

[Thunder]

OP, that was something I thought, too, about mine.

My H always said I was very nurturing "like his mother." (it was said when talking about me and my kids)

So I go out of my way not to nurture HIM in any way.  Don't want to be his mother in any way, shape or form.   

[OldPilot]

So I go out of my way not to nurture HIM in any way. 
Don't want to be his mother in any way, shape or form.   

I think that is a good idea!

I do not think you can love them out of their crisis.

[Thunder]

Nope, you sure can't.   

[Mermaid]

This may explain why he continues to remain in contact with me.....I am still the one who brings family together, he may see me, with my ability to emotionally connect, as a link to that world that he has no access to....for indeed, his comment to me many years ago as to why he can not live with me as my being too intense also has some truth in it...but I think it is also what draws him towards me at times.

I think he sees you  as his mother.
Who would ever have a marital relationship with their mother?

Mine too... in the depth of his crisis, he seemed to conflate what his controlling mother did/ said and what I did/ said. He avoided his mother for some time (she was very hurt). Now he's home, but he doesn't ML any more. Is it because I'm old or he still sees me as a mother-figure? Or because he's still depressed?

Mermaid, how often I have found similarities between your husband and mine! Especially this:

Compulsive behaviours become rewarding because of how they make you feel.

I recently spent some time with my husband and that always gives me a window into this crisis.....and as usual, I am struck by his inability to have any emotional connection, or more correctly, to show any emotional connection to anything except his addiction which is to his job.

xyzcf, we've often pondered this similarity. I've come to the conclusion that mine is on the narcissistic spectrum, without having full blown NPD. Here are the warning signs;
1. Emotional phobia; they shore up their self-confidence by imagining themselves as self-sufficient and impervious to other people's behaviour and feelings
2. Projection. They project the feelings that they are trying to ignore onto someone else, and even provoke you into having them.
3. Controlling. They need to be in charge, and feel uneasy asking for help.
4. Putting people on pedestals. If they place their lover on a pedestal, it's another way of saying how special they are
5. Fantasizing that they have a twin or soul mate . With a mirror twin at their side, their ideas make sense, and the other reflects who they feel they are. It's the narcissism of early love or adolescence, and also of illicit lovers.

Is that your H's case too?

[in it]

OP Thanks for the laugh 

Nope you can't love them out of it. I think they view you as nuts going back to them or if they come back after all the devastation and pain they have caused.

 And if they don't look at you that way. They certainly will do their level best to make you feel that way. They can only drive you crazy if you hand them the keys. Especially if you live with them. (Or in my case let the past back into your life whatsoever with any contact with the ex).

I was everybody's "mother" at one point in time. The kids change how you operate.

 It doesn't matter what we did. IF we had been exactly what they thought they wanted at one point we weren't what they wanted after the years passed. Hard to keep up with all the hoop jumping and how we try to be and/or what they expect us to be IMHO.

I'm finding this has worked out much better for me. I'm not as stressed, anxious, panicked, and miserable all the time. I'm still pretty sad. I don't think it's depression. I know how that feels.

 I'm not sad because he's out of my life.  I'm grateful.

It's the kids.

[Ready2Transform]

The mothering thing is interesting. We were childfree, but at one point pre-BD I remember yelling at him that I was tired of feeling like I was his mother. The intimacy was gone from our relationship and it really was just down to me as a caretaker, breadwinner, therapist, cheerleader, you name it. Sexual monogamy (or wannabe at that time, I really don't know when the PA started) to the OW, who was his new "best friend". Mommy issues for sure though as his was 19 when she had him (oldest of 4) and had a home daycare his whole life that he resented. She did essentially babysit them to adulthood instead of providing any form of warmth or safety, and now they all 4 have "adulting" issues. Narc father didn't help. They all continue to move back home periodically, but now usually bring their families with them. He was the "black sheep" in that regard, but I can see in looking back where a lot of his success came from me carrying the emotional and organizational load, and him being free to live like a teen.

Ironically saw on FB this past mother's day that he made a big gushing post about OW being a wonderful mother to his three (grown) stepchildren, yet nothing to his own mother who is one of his FB friends. Maybe on her page? Still odd he celebrated someone else right in front of her. I knew that "renewed relationship" with her after BD would eventually crumble a bit. It always does with those people after they get what they want. Just go back to the blame game. Glad to be out of the loop!

[xyzcf]

Hi Mermaid! You wrote:

xyzcf, we've often pondered this similarity. I've come to the conclusion that mine is on the narcissistic spectrum, without having full blown NPD. Here are the warning signs;
1. Emotional phobia; they shore up their self-confidence by imagining themselves as self-sufficient and impervious to other people's behaviour and feelings
2. Projection. They project the feelings that they are trying to ignore onto someone else, and even provoke you into having them.
3. Controlling. They need to be in charge, and feel uneasy asking for help.
4. Putting people on pedestals. If they place their lover on a pedestal, it's another way of saying how special they are
5. Fantasizing that they have a twin or soul mate . With a mirror twin at their side, their ideas make sense, and the other reflects who they feel they are. It's the narcissism of early love or adolescence, and also of illicit lovers.

Is that your H's case too?

I don't see him as a narcissist although he displays some traits, I think because he is an only child. I am more inclined to view him as possibly being on the Asperger's/Autistic spectrum due to his phenomenal success in his business career but difficulty with emotional connections.

He certainly likes to be in control in his career but he never was like that with me in our marriage nor is he like that now with me. He and I have always easily come to similar conclusions about situations, possibly because we are on the same wave length in so many ways, even to this day.

Other than his venture out into having an affair early on in the crisis, he has never made her or any other woman known...if he is or has been involved with others, he has kept it very quiet so I would not say that he places anyone on a pedestal.

My intuition tells me that he does not love himself as evidenced by his physical condition and thus doesn't feel worthy of other's love. Even though he comes across as arrogant and boastful, in reality I think he has very low self esteemed self worth.

Even within MLC, they are all "snowflakes" which is what makes it difficult to pinpoint specifics about the similarities although we care very certain that the similarities and patterns exist.