[Pixiegirl]

He was free to do whatever he wanted.

Haha...they are free alright.    Free to find out what the ow is really like, 

Yes, let them go and if it is meant to be, they will come back.

I said this often to the lawyers and even on the stand during our divorce.  "I don't agree but I will support his decision".  I let the world know that it wasn't my idea but I loved him enough to support his decision.

After the hearing I walked up to him, hugged him (the first time since BD) and said, "I hope you find what you are looking for", then I walked away and didn't turn back.

Yes, it's tempting to go on and on about how its wrong for us and the whole family, blah blah blah... they won't remember it all.  I know he must think of my words while the girl is watching and controlling his every move.  Good let her do her job.

BRAVO Nah...you took the wind right out of his sails for sure! More importantly you walked away with class and dignity. Gave it right back to him.

H was free to destroy himself and his life and he did just that. Now his sits in the rubble of the aftermath trying to figure out what to do.

[hawk]

Ex didn't monster too badly. After bd she was still quite polite and fair but still on her path. If we got into a fight though she went right of her nut.
Later after she moved out , there was so much hurt in me and in coping with trying to figure out how to be a dad like this , l basically stayed pretty polite to keep the best sitch with my d.
Ex did to but did do a few very hurtful things , seemingly oblivious to any pain they might cause me and the same toward my d and l. Very fair but oblivious .
We or l , never discussed us, in my coming and going for d or in sorting out of our house and financial mess . although there was a few all night text sessions where ex admitting lots of things and to effing up hugely with all this. But she was still on her path. However , now and then over our first 12mths sep' , if something did flare up, a few times she just told me point blank to fk off.
They weren't even big things , l use to be the one with the short fuse not her .
It was amazing though , the way she could just say that now , totally uncaring of the consequences . Of course she was living with my d , not me. So she could afford to risk that . l was the one that had to keep coming and going no matter what. She chops and changes a a lot , a bit coldish one day and happy to see me the next . But not monstering .

But , over all , to this day and even back then with all our financial crap and with me and my d , really , she's been a dream ex tbh.
When l hear and read about what others are being put through , tbh l'm thankful for my sitch.

[Learning strength]

Strange - if I was to answer this yesterday morning I would of said- havn't seem monster in about 4 months- but then it's BACK! I'm noticing a pattern with monster:
If things are not going h way- then monster appears
And when h is sinking towards rock bottom- monster comes out!
Right now h is unemployed, not paying me child support, it's the holidays and kids won't spend it with h and ow, kids won't accept his new life! So out comes monster !
Yep I see a pattern...20 months into this and I see a pattern

[onlyjo]

hi UL
prior to BD, i got almost constant monster.  i was baffled, and i guess this went on for about 6 to 9 months.  then BD, then monster came out to play every so often.  after we officially separated, i got monster when things weren't going ex h's way, or when i threw truth darts that hit too close to home.

i went as NC as i could (i am 3+ years into this mess) and the last time i got monster, i shut it down and said "done--not acceptable"

i think the pattern up until now was that when things were not going well with OW, i got monster because hey!  it's all onlyjo's fault, right?  whatever.

now, i'm not so sure. i have not seen monster lately--what i'm seeing is puppy monster "please let's work this out between us (the settlement)--it's taking so long with lawyers, isn't d12 doing great? blah blah blah"
that's monster, too, only in disguise!  RCR talks about this in one of her articles...

i had to set FIRM boundaries b/c ex h is/was soooooo angry and erratic.  NC worked/works for me.  he is one angry SOB, and has been for years, even before MLC.  not

[Darth Obo]

Thinking back prior to BD, I guess I was basically getting kind of a "b!tc# mode"; no real outbursts of complete anger, just snide comments.

After BD, she had 2 angry instances. I let the first one slide, but the second time she went off on me, I came across the couch and across the room so fast, she backed into a corner and basically I gave her a verbal the same way I would have done D11 if she smarted off to me! I swear she looked like a friggin' pathetic 13 year old taking a scolding! As the saying goes, "never bite the hand that feeds you!"

After that, she turned to Seducer / Manipulator. Took me a while to figure that out, but once I did, I just upped my GAL and went "cold" on her.

Now, I just basically ignore her unless it has something to do with D11 or S21! She will call now for simple things that use to be through text, like confirming what time I will pick up D11 for the evening. She uses these to attempt to prod my personal life or just have "friendly" conversation. I don't buy it; I basically just give her the "hey, I got work / plans to do, take care" and hang up!


DO

[UnconditionalLove]

I think maybe I don't understand monster they way it is.  For me anything H does is monstering. LOL! He was and probably still is into this is all about me, everything is mine, etc so those are my what I called monster.  He's hiding something but could be nice to me till I find out about it.  Things like storage unit is emptied of stuff he felt was his and doesn't say anything about doing it.  He was told not to do it that we needed to do it together but did it anyhow, boxed up CD, video's etc because hey, everything is his. Cashed in retirement, quit his job so it's not counted for in divorce and leave me or thought he would be leaving me without insurance with this cancer I have. All passive stuff.  All of what I call monstering is what's going on in his head and what is he going to do next more than verbal. However, I do get small verbal stuff from time to time and then he'll cycle and ask something nice.

Good or bad I feel like I can't trust either one. It's all a cover for something.

[toomanytearss]

I got monster quite a bit for the first 6 months.  My h wasn't so much verbal as financial.  Getting nasty with me verbally won't work for him because I won't take it.  Never have.  So instead he withholds money, or sucks me into his lies about coming home and then slams me.  I'm getting that right now, but I've caught on and I'm letting him think he's going to monster on me and say he's done again, but surprise for him, I don't care.  I'll probably just say thank goodness!!!  Wonder what will happen to that smug look he gets on his face everytime he thinks he's hurting me when he realizes it doesn't hurt anymore. 

I also see where when ow is in picture h monsters even more and harder.  Like right now, I know he's with ow, but he's playing his game that he likes to play that he's coming home.  I know he's with ow because when he says he's coming home he has that smug smirk on his face.  Now I just smile back.  Dummy.  My h is so self absorbed and such a poor liar I kind of feel sorry for him.  I don't even bother calling out his lies anymore.  I do call him out when he gets arrogant with me. 

And agree with UncontionalLove - I trust nothing - it's all a cover for something. 

[UnconditionalLove]

We use the word MONSTER but what really are the signs of monster? (I do know most of the signs just asking for discussion purposes)  I read through monster and the definition of it but is every bad behavior or word monstering or just a the persons personality?   How do you tell the different between monster and maybe you wanting your way and not getting it and he gets mad at you as a normal person would?

I would love to read some of the monster coming out and ways we can know for sure or even ways to know it's kind of past for a time. Maybe just a bullet point of things H/W has done or said.

[Thunder]

Unconditional,

I'm not the best one to answer your question because I saw very little Monster in my X, but looking back it was more in the very beginning of his crisis I saw the anger.  I think it comes from Resentment.  I found this article:

Resentment
Rejection & Refusal eventually fail to stop and reverse aging or whatever it is the person fears and is thus avoiding. Upon recognition of this failure, the person adds Resentment to the building crisis. Resentment is the form of anger that originates from a feeling of inferiority and low worth; anger at God is resentment and is consequent of feeling powerless. He is angry at God and angry with life and as he ferments in the emotion of anger. Since MLCers often doubt their faith, they deny their anger is toward God and project it toward his environment and others—the spouse in particular.

The Monstering we see is more out of frustration with themselves.  They lash out with harsh words, huge blaming, meanness, coldness...
You never....
You always...
This marriage is over...
I'm never coming back...
I'm miserable...

I suppose we all reacted poorly to this because we had no idea what was going on so we tried to reason with them.  Spelling out how they are wrong.



Edit - See Reply #20 - OldPilot

[UnconditionalLove]

Haha I don't know how this got into this thread. I thought I had started a new thread on my own. I'm wondering if someone moved me here.

Thanks Thunder!

Edit - see edit above!  - OP