[Shantilly Lace]

Ah I didn't mention forgetting.  And she never has to know that you forgive her.
I will tell you something for free, if you don't forgive her for your own sake, you will not be truly happy.

I am not talking about to date fall in love or have another relationship, never mentioned it.
You sound bitter which is why I thought you were at the beginning.  So sue me lol.

You won't forget.  It happened and it leaves a change on you forever, and forgiveess is for you not them.

If you are truly happy where you are go for it, if you aren't happy then honey, you have a long way to go.  Because 2 years in I am happy I would lie it to have been different but for the most part I am happy.  He couldn't make me happy, I had to learn to make myself happy.

[rover77]

Its called PTES...something Thundarr and I coined after one of the X's drivebys at L2..lol...actually I don't sit around and bash love,women or marriage..I still believe in those things...its just that I accepted it wasn't meant to be..and to me..to forgive would be to forget..and I can't..I will never know when she will step off the cliff again and I must always be ready to intervene

[Thundarr]

Rover bitter?  He actually has a bitterness disorder named after him (according to his ex-W. lol).

Actually, although he may sound very stoic and embittered, I know for a fact that he finds joy in his children and is completely dedicated to them.  No intention of making them split his energy with someone else who isn't their parent.  I respect that and may go that direction myself if things don't work out between W and I.  And I want to give props where they're due here.  Early on (I mean VERY early on, meaning when I first found LifeTwo), Rover smacked me around and drilled into my head to protect the kids at all costs and that my W was a danger to them.  I thought he was completely nuts at first (still do sometimes, haha) but will never forget how he helped me through that first terrible stage and lead me to fighting for the right to see my kids every day.  Almost 9 months in and I can honestly say there has not been a day gone by that I have not spent at least part of it with them.  They are my salvation and the oasis in this terrible storm for me, just as I am for them.  Together we will make it, and hopefully W will come along to join the party.

I have another question for everyone here now that that's out of the way.  A friend on another thread posed the question to me that since there is no definite OM in my W's life and that she did not try to screw me over in any way financially (at least not yet on both) then is it possible that she is going through a transition and just wanted a change?  I know it seems I've asked this question ad nauseum, but what exactly makes her situation a "crisis"?  Yes she's said some crazy things, and the demonic laugh and all, but she seems in line with Shantilly's accounts of just wanting to run away and not necessarily into the arms of an OM.  9 months in and I'm still unclear where they line is that makes this a crisis for her and not just a transition.  I know the terminology like RCR mentioned so it IS a transition, but is it REALLY a crisis? 

[rover77]

'stoic'...and 'resolute'..lol...thats me..I think the difference between Mid Life Changes and Mid Life Crisis is their actions...we aren't talking about someone trying out new directions or intersts her (god I wish)..no we are talking about destruction of marriages,families,relationships,finances and their children's lives..and without mercy or remorse...like a loose cannon in a storm they wreak havoc all around...everyone may pause,reassess and process...not everyone does this..

[Dontgiveup]

Thundarr

Rover said it well.....though remorse typically does eventually come, but not until toward the end of the crisis.

Conway differentiates by whether they stray from their core values with their actions and behaviors.  Conway himself is a good example in my opinion.  I believe he went through a transition that did not reach a crisis level.  He did not leave the marital bedroom (he did not abandon his spouse) and he did not have an affair.

From RCR's Overview article:
Key Components of a Midlife Crisis
•Depression - Covert & Overt
•The Urge to Abandon
•Infidelity
•Blaming or Projecting (Denial of Responsibility)
•Personality Changes or Mood Swings
•Depression

[rover77]

yes my X had all the signs and more..lets say I got the deluxe version of mood swings and rage..as for remorse..I think maybe..a little ..but more likely that her plans failed..her BF dumped her after she pillaged the kids college fund post divorce...what an idiot..doc has mentioned an alien spaceship landing when they want to reconcile..I will just assume its Martians and head for the bunker..

[Thundarr]

So, do all the elements have to be there?  I am not certain of any infidelities, although an EA is very likely.  My actions would need to be the same either way I would imagine, but surprisingly the thought that this was a logical decision on her part leaves me with even less hope.  It makes me wonder if my transition will now begin and if I must resolve to either accept a life alone as Rover has or begin to ponder connecting with another.  I know what I want, but part of the change in me over the past few months has been the realization that you can get what you want but not necessarily what you most want.

[Thundarr]

Rover, where is the Alf icon?  I need you to have that.  lol

And where is Doc?  I have no way of contacting him as he never registered at LT, but we would all love to have him here I'm sure.

[rover77]

dunno how to reach doc..maybe he will find us..as for your stbx..set aside how she has treated you..take that out of the equation..look very clearly how she has treated your kids..that should be very defining..not only in what you are facing but what is going on with her..and where this is headed

[rover77]

I feel so nekkid without Alf