[Shantilly Lace]

With Gods Help is dealing with a baby to ow as is Buggy31


I would start there and hopefully they may be able to help you with what they did.

[LeaveThePastBehind]

I've gotten wonderful advice so far. Thanks everyone!
 
Thanks Hope Floats! I've located their threads and I'll read more about their situations.

This would be a great topic for RollerCoasterRider to do an article / series on, I think. I would love to read her perspective on this.

I must say, I honestly, I didn't see this coming and I wish I would have had the tools to prepare for this permanent twist.

[nlovemyfamily]

Does mlcer get angry and detached to a higher degree near the end of the tunnel?
It's been 6+ years and he now is filled with anger, much more detached than previous years.  What type of affect do you see when coming near the end of tunnel?

[readytofixmyselffirst]

From what I read from the articles, as they enter the final phase, there is a great amount of anger. Remember that men display depression often through anger.

Remember, as the MLCer progresses through the tunnel, the depression deepns and thus the anger becomes more apparent. However, it often becomes directed toward everyone and no longer just you.

Read HB's six stages of MLC. I don't read them often because I do not want to get stuck in progress analysis too much.

(((((hugs)))

[nlovemyfamily]

Is the anger from seeing the destruction they caused in pursuit of "happiness and love"?

[readytofixmyselffirst]

no, anger is a result of depression. They don't really look back and demonstrate remorse until after the identity has been reshaped. Remember that remorse shows empathy and throughout the crisis, they are inward to their own feelings and not others-especially yours. After all, they feel as if you brought this upon yourself.

[Shantilly Lace]

Thanks Ready I may need to find this again.  The amount of anger Dearheart has is insane at the moment.
I Had to apply for welfare, angered him.
I Had to leave work, angered him.


Tried to make a joke, angered him.
Went out of the house without letting him know exactly where, angered him.


He is even getting angry with the kids again.
Even D2 who is exerting who she is, he yells at her.
Girls don’t want to stay with him, angers him.


*sigh*

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Yes, and my w has tried to bait me as well and I don't fall for it. She can get as angry as she wants, but she can't draw me into her drama. Too much work for me to do to waste that much energy.

She might as well as yell at the wall and get the same effect.

[LoveMeMyself]

I have a question. Let's see I am at 31 months since this started (BD was Oct. 2009, D final Oct. 2010). Contact with my exH has been more or less every two to three weeks on average.  We do not have any children and only share a vacation property to which I know burden the entire financial responsibility..............BUT..........I still maintain our agreement to rotate time with him.  This is a long 3-day weekend for me but his time at the property.  I know he has not been in a very long time so I took a chance and emailed him yesterday asking if I could take advantage of this holiday/time to use the vacation place.  He did not answer until later last night.  He replied for me to go ahead and that he hasn't been back since June of 2010. I replied thanking him but then pushed a little.  I asked him why (if I may) he hasn't been back.  I told him that I respected his privacy and totally understand if he doesn't want to answer.  I included another line, "we both used to enjoy our time there so much".  Well, he did answer.  He simply said, "In a word, depression.  I don't enjoy much of anything nowadays. Can't seem to break out of it. I'm better, but have no enjoyment in much of anything. We had some special times down there."    I left it alone.  Nothing else required.

Finally, to my question: Does this appear as he is stuck?  I'm pretty sure there isn't an OW.  He has recently talked about all the extra work he's done on his job (working late nights/weekends).  To me he seems to be more like himself other than this mindset he can't seem to break.  He doesn't seem to be angry and even though the contact isn't routine it is better.  So, any thoughts, comments, advise is greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Once again, I give advice with a hint of caution. 31 months is a long time and remember that depression runs its course throughout the process. It becomes deeper as they exit replay and begin the process of finding a new identity. They may return back to replay and visit all aspects of replay. I have seen my w doing the same exacxt thing. Listening to songs that she used to listen to and actions that date back to bomb drop and before.

However, they will return back to luminaty as RCR states "once they drink of the water" they will return. There is no fully going back to Replay.

Your h is sad and the fact that he writes of his depression is another sign that he recognizes it. Overt depression is another sign.

Now, I have not seen your h or spoken to him so this is based upon reading the articles and your observations. Let him deal with his issues. Go and enjoy the weekend. Remember, he has to realize his depression and lack of energy has nothing to do with you but everything to do with him.

Hope this helps ((((hugs)))