[ece711]

Hobo

You may have hit on something here, I do understand what you are pointing out.  And DGU the key as you said is "Moving on would need to be at the proper time."  This is where the word "Balance" comes in.  The goal is to get ourselves back, where we don't get affected with what they do with their new partners,and get to a point where the fear of them not coming back or divorcing us rules the way we would live our lives.  When we reach that stage and love finds us and who knows it could be our MLCers then the relationship could start from the ground up.



(EDIT: I thought this was posted in the wrong thread, so I moved it. It's back where it started; Sorry about the confusion. -SS)

[truth_seeker]

Here's a blog from a woman who D her H and later reconciled.  If you have some time I recommend reading some of the articles.  There is always hope.  No guarantees but always hope.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/marry-divorce-reconcile

[Buggy31]

TS
I'm adding direct links to her story.  This is some interesting insight into a mind of an MLCer.  She had clear triggers.  Also an example of how someone can be "smart and educated" and yet an OW.  Anyway I highly recommend.  THanks TS


http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/marry-divorce-reconcile/201101/boomerang-the-short-story-divorce-reconciliation-and-remarriage

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/marry-divorce-reconcile/201011/amazing-grace

[Gardenia]

I do not know if this is a MLC restoration, but it is a restoration none the less. It is a free video on vimeo. I want to share this video because this restoration story is a good example of what happens when someone tries to "move on" too fast without working on themselves and how God can fix the craziest of situations.

http://vimeo.com/18786966

[StandandDeliver]

Gardenia, I agree with your point about the not working on themselves. I was a little surprised by the lack of remorse the H seemed to display for his role, he admitted to being "unforgiving", but he did not suggest that maybe he should be asking for forgiveness for his role in the disintegration of a family, but then it seems like he would never have gone back to the marriage if the wife had not sought him out.
It is hard to tell if it was MLC for this family (I am sure it was a crisis of some sort), but they did not mention an affair, which is usually one of the signs of MLC (most MLCers can't handle being alone).

I do think we need to work on ourselves so that we are able to make good decisions for our children and for our own lives.  If H ever decides to return I am willing to apologise for my shortcomings and failings in the marriage (we were at a point where we were not really nurturing each other, either). Nonetheless, I do think it is the height of cowardice not to give a woman who has just had babies, has fluctuating hormones and sleepless nights for months, the benefit of the doubt (or maybe even see that the time has come to nurture her and "give" a little in the R. My H had my UNFAILING support and nurturing for 10 years before we had our first baby. I was not perfect but I was always there for him when he was in need. After our children (especially our 2nd, where he was entering transition, if not crisis, but I didn't know it), when I literally begged him to take some time off work to help me out, he acted as if I was a huge inconvenience and was always putting pressure on him. The truth was in the proceeding years I almost never asked him to put me before his career. In fact the truth is that there were a couple of occasions when I did and he was "unable to", very apologetic and I accepted that, even though with hindsight there was no good reason for it. I guess I feel that my marriage was a lot of me giving and H just taking for granted. There is an irony that many MLCers feel that they were taken for granted in the marriage, but as my friend said it works both ways; you get what you give. We were both at fault for the communication break down, but he was ultimately at fault that the relationship ended because he so selfishly put himself above the marriage, me as a person and the welfare of our beautiful children. He continues to do so and sometimes I think he doesn't really deserve to have such great kids.

When I think about these things I do wonder if he ever loved me or if he loved what I could offer him when I put him first. I worry that maybe he does score quite high for narcissistic tendencies. I just don't know anymore. I guess that is why we must focus on ourselves and try to be the best people that we can be, and stay true to our values and trying harder than before to address the areas in ourselves where we do not live up to them all the time.

[Chrysalis]

StandandDeliver

So much of what you say resonates with me.  My ex has had a few serious illnesses over the past few years which have also caused depression.  I looked after him through all of these, as I would obviously expect to do.  However, last year when my mother was very ill and I was really worried about her, his way of supporting me was to have an affair with an old flame and then tell me about it in the office!

Unfortunately my mother is again really unwell.  She is ninety but she is still my mother.  I told him yesterday in the office and he just said "I'm sorry to hear that" in a very flat tone.  He saw her most days for nearly sixteen years but now really isn't bothered.  He was also really worried about my going through the menopause as he was worried about how I would be and how it would affect him!  No wonder he chose someone who is well over menopause age as an OW (although I think he thinks they are back in their twenties....).

[StandandDeliver]

Oh Chrysalis, so sorry to hear about your Mum. How awful for you to have that going on. They are soooooooooooooooo self absorbed. I mean, it is one thing to not want to stay married, it is another to just stop caring altogether. I will never get it.

[Chrysalis]

Thank you so much Stand and Deliver.  It is so nice that there are caring people around.  Sometimes it is easy to forget that when confronted with the horrors of MLC!

[Standing in Patience]

Sounds like -- maybe??? Saw a friend I haven't seen in years. Asked about her family members and she recounted that her older sister at the age of 49 was having a rough time over the last two or three years. Obviously, we haven't caught up in a very long time. Anyways, she said her older sister's husband left her to shack up with her best friend. Within a few months, the "best friend" went back to her own husband. The sister's husband went to a second OW. His awakening happened within two years. Before that time was over, friend's older sister decided to move on without him and divorced him on the grounds of adultury and abandonment. He wanted so bad to go back to his "old" life, but there was no going back. The return story was the first OW decided to go back to her original husband and now they are happy. Well at least one couple made it through, I suppose.

[unbroken]

And another LBS has the final say...