[SavingGrace]

I did betray my husband by publicly humiliating him in a manner that I have never done before, nor would I ever do again but the damage is there because of his choice to have an affair and my blind fury and choice to act in a very cruel manner.  I hate that part of myself and will forever wonder if he never contacts me if my actions to his behavior was the true cause and not just MLC.

JoJo, I don't think it really matters IMO how we respond to the revelation of our spouse's affair. Some people will disagree with me. You obviously have great remorse for your reaction and anger and concern that it may have driven your H completely away permanently. I am on the other side of the pendulum and told NO ONE. He has not suffered publicly or has been humiliated by my anger or devastation. It is only these past 2-3 weeks that I have summoned the courage within me to find support from some of my closest friends and having to share this horrendous news with them brings great shame upon me and sadness.

I have to agree with Chump Lady in that affairs are always wrong and I believe character is the root core to the way our spouse handles himself/herself with the decision to pursue the OP and treat their spouse. I believe I acted with great restraint and respect and yet my H did not respond in kind. It only empowered him to treat me more viciously and with contempt. Despite his behavior I still have not publicly humiliated him. This does not mean I am in a better place than you. It just means that my H does not respect how I have treated him and his paramour. He lacks substance and character and I believe he is so proud and arrogant that he will be hard pressed to find the humility to ever come to me and apologize or seek forgiveness, no matter how miserable his life turns out or how much he would want to return to me.

Your H may hold a grudge for a long time, never forgive you or if you believe in the power of God, he may find it in his heart to forgive you if and when he has that AHA moment.

I wouldn't be concerned about your behavior. If you know you did wrong, take it up with God, seek his forgiveness, make reparations with Him. Do what is right in your life to walk in the right path. God makes crooked paths straight. Maybe he will make it straight to your H? No need to carry anymore guilt than necessary.

[FindingJoJo]

Thanks SavingGrace - It is the major issue I am working on with me at the moment.  For the most part I understand that I have to forgive myself and I have to an extent, still appalled at my over the top reaction......lol.  I do not normally like such attention but I think after the last year with not being able to do anything correct I snapped in a big way.

[Anjae]

Chump Lady, I’ve said it before, affairs are wrong. And, yes, that is black & white.

But nothing else in an affair is black & white. And a MLC affair has nothing do to with a regular affair and is far less black & white.

Most non MLC cheaters I know tried to fix things and did not blame their partner.

Like DGU said, the affair is only one symptom of MLC, not the only one. Would agree with him and say yes, affairs are more common by themselves than MLC. But even the non MLC affairs are, plenty of times, a symptom of something else.

Yes, the devastation brought in by an affair will affect neurotransmitters (like any other severe emotional shock would), alter our brain chemicals and have them imbalanced. Again, in a MLC affair the imbalance will be far greater than in a normal affair because there are many other things attached to it that provoke damages.

It would be understandable that the betrayed person has an affair. I’m not saying it would be right but it would be understandable. And plenty of people have revenge affairs.

Still, in my perspective, in MLC, if the LBS is seeing someone, that does not mean the LBS is having and affair. There is no marriage, the spouse is gone, the LBS is simply moving on with its life. Different from having a straying spouse that has regretted and go and have an affair just for revenge revenge.

Jojo, the affair is terribly hurtful and damaging for all parts involved. Even if one, or several of the parts are not aware of it.

You don’t have to be anything you are not. If your husband and his OW laugh at you and ridicule you they are just being mean.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. In the beginning of this MLC mess e all have done things that were out of character for us. Would say that, in the end, it does not matter that much how we have initially reacted to the affair and MLC. You just ned to forgive yourself, be kind to yourself, take a day at a time.

Living with a person in pre-MLC, and pre-MLC can last a very long time, is very hard. My husband had been in pre-MLC for ages and it was driving me mad, he was causing a lot of tension, he was gloomy, with outbursts of happiness, and was behaving in a very weird manner for months before he left.

When we stay on our own, after they have left, in a way it is a relief. We have space and time for ourselves; we no longer have a depressed unpleasant person around. Enjoy the time on your own the best you can, and I cannot stress it enough, be kind to yourself.

[calamity]

While I was typing, Anne responded & left me nothing to say!  I am glad we are having this discussion tho--some of these questions have been running around my brain for a while. 

FindingJoJo--I will never ever admit to some things I did in the aftermath of BD--lunacy would describe it.

[Thundarr]

I would like to agree with everyone that all affairs are, by definition, wrong.  I don't think anyone would belabor an opposing opinion to that and I don't think anyone here has.

I would also like to say that I think all affairs are also symptoms of something else underlying.  Even if it is not MLC, if one partner strays in the marriage then the marriage was not completely healthy.  People in completely healthy relationships do not stray unless a) there was an underlying problem that was not address, b) the straying partner has an innate character flaw that predisposes them to cheat (which would mean they were never truly able to commit completely) or c) something affects the judgment of one of the partners that is independent of the marital relationship (biochemical changes, mental health issues, Alzheimer's etc).  Again, the fault is NEVER on the betrayed spouse as even revenge affairs are by definition wrong.

Affairs are one of, if not the most devastating things a person can go through relationship-wise.  The sense of betrayal and insecurity brought upon by the one who you bared your soul to and trusted with your very life is nigh incomprehensible.  At some point we have to believe there is no chance whatsoever that our spouse will cheat and betray us.  If we are unable to do that, I see no way that we can be our true selves with them.  I have not had to deal with an affair, or at least more than an EA as far as I know, but may have to down the line.  If it comes to that I do not know if I would be capable of keeping the love for my spouse alive and I may lose all interest in ever R with her.  I don't want that and never will, but it is a bridge I will have to cross if it comes to that. In the nearly 22 years that W and I have been together I have never had to worry about her cheating and I know her top priority has always been the kids.  To even suspect that she has or will engage in this contradicts everything I have known about her over the years, and I doubt she could have kept that hidden from me all this time if that was part of her character.  In the end, it may not even matter as she may never turn back toward me or show any interest in saving or reviving our marriage.

[calamity]

Hi Thundarr, 

I would have bet my life my h would never have an affair.

[FindingJoJo]

Jojo, the affair is terribly hurtful and damaging for all parts involved. Even if one, or several of the parts are not aware of it.

You don’t have to be anything you are not. If your husband and his OW laugh at you and ridicule you they are just being mean.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. In the beginning of this MLC mess e all have done things that were out of character for us. Would say that, in the end, it does not matter that much how we have initially reacted to the affair and MLC. You just ned to forgive yourself, be kind to yourself, take a day at a time.

Living with a person in pre-MLC, and pre-MLC can last a very long time, is very hard. My husband had been in pre-MLC for ages and it was driving me mad, he was causing a lot of tension, he was gloomy, with outbursts of happiness, and was behaving in a very weird manner for months before he left.

When we stay on our own, after they have left, in a way it is a relief. We have space and time for ourselves; we no longer have a depressed unpleasant person around. Enjoy the time on your own the best you can, and I cannot stress it enough, be kind to yourself.

Thanks AnneJ - I am not worry about the OW ridicule and in a sick way find it amusing myself.  My H wasn't engaging in it according to BIL - he was playing on his touchpad ignoring them.  I find it amusing because when he did that he was under stress at home and would use that as a means to block it out, so she doesn't know him very well at all.  I don't care if they laugh at my belief in God or praying or whatever because they are just talking about things that are spreading God's information out there.  My H knows I believe in God and always respected that so it will just sink into his ears more and the more he hears God and praying the better for me.....lol.

I enjoy the space and freedom of not having to be stressed out at home because of his mood swings without a doubt and it is liberating.  I have a stress at home with BIL here but that is soon ending as well.  I get wallowing when I have to pack, which I am doing now or I clean heavily which I use to do everyday when H was here due to his tendency to make a mess like a teenager this last year and a clean house is calming.  So today was both of those normal duty days and my house will be clean while I am packing. 

I for the most part am calm and at peace, glowing is the term often used by friends and neighbors, when we talk about the affair things it brings out how badly I reacted to it is all.  it is definitely not something I dwell on daily, I have asked for forgiveness from God, H and myself for my actions only and will work through it.  I know in my head that I did not cause H's crisis, affair or anything else, I reacted poorly for the first time in 15 years but WOW it was a stunner.....lol.  I didn't know I could be so out there like that, I guess the dam burst from the strain of the year before with his changing moods and ultimately I can't force him to forgive me at all, but then again there isn't just one party who caused the ultimate final break now is there - he finally admitted that to me.

[Rollercoasterider]

Chump Lady,

Thanks for commenting. I think you have made excellent points and even more, I appreciate that you are adding to this discussion with such Grace! To be honest, I was concerned you might be one of those who came in an attacking manner, but you have not done that. I’m sorry it surprised me.

Per the question, are you crazy to stand there and take it if a cheater wants you do to the "pick me" dance? IMO, yes, sorry. Yes you are.

Sure, some people thought me crazy for making the choice to Stand for me marriage. But that’s really unfair as well—and the crazy label is a sensitive one for me. My sanity is not dependent on my doing what other people think I should do or what they think they would do in my situation. The crazy label is a sensitive one for me because I knew crazy personally. I watched crazy as he spiraled into legal insanity when I was a child. I answered the collect calls from Jesus. It’s a real disease and people toss the label around as a light insult to upset people into following their opinion of appropriate behaviors. Crazy died when I was 19 from Cancer and being crazy did not stop him from being my hero.

I read your post and it was accurate and well-written. I agree that a betrayed spouse should not agree to compete with an alienator.
But that is not what Standing is about. Standers may do it; we all make mistakes. Standing is about a few things—and standing there and taking it is not one of those things. For some it really is about the Big Goal of reconciliation and that Big Goal can get in the way if the Stander focuses on it rather than on the personal goals along their own journey. In the beginning that pick me dance is a common phase many betrayeds go through to get to the other side of it and learn they don’t have to lower themselves like that; they don’t have to prove themselves. For some, Standing is simply a Grace Period where they focus on their own healing and put any decisions regarding their marriage on hold.
There is not a right or wrong, crazy or sane in whether an individual chooses to Stand or Leave. Left Behind Spouses hear they are crazy from friends, family, co-workers and strangers who don’t know their situation, but only the generalities: a cheating spouse who has left and possibly filed for divorce.

The only response to discovery of an affair from a cheater should be, I'm sorry -- I'm ending this marriage. OR I'm sorry I'm ending this affair. The middle ground is cake.

Thank you for that. You included remaining married as an option. Not everyone does that. I also agree that the middle ground is cake, but around here that’s what we are dealing with. My husband did choose the option to get a divorce, but I got a say too and I said No. I was not going to be forced into something I didn’t want because he chose stupid. And technically he chose to be persuaded by the alienator to file for divorce. He would not have done it on his own, but being persuadable certainly does not absolve him; he did it; it was his choice to take that action and clearly it says a lot about him being weak since he allowed someone else to manipulate him like that.

Kikki, I have to think more about MLC. My uninformed quick take on it is, nah. People who have $hitty characters are usually like that. Maybe they didn't cheat before, but I bet dollars to donuts they were entitled takers. Self-important. Valued themselves above their spouse or kids. Probably has an expensive hobby or two (sailboats, motorcycles, QVC).

My examples of toys are examples of selfishness, short hand for issues of character.
I think all cheating is about character. Yes, we are all capable, but some cross those lines and others do not.

You refer to cheating as an issue of character. Well, that’s where we will disagree—hopefully agree to disagree. I think that it certainly is that for some cheaters—especially serial cheaters—philanderers. But cheating is also a behavior and behavior is not character. We are all sinners, none perfect, but our bad behavior does not make us bad people. And yeah, cheating is really bad behavior.
As for toys. 2 jetskis and a motorcycle—and another motorcycle added later which is for sale. That doesn’t point to Sweetheart being selfish either. I like them too. I may be the passenger on the motorcycles, but those toys are for us, not him alone. Life will certainly change when we have kids, but without kids we’ve had the freedom to indulge in play. It seems unfair to give a default label of poor character to someone because they have toys.

Thinking on it further it may not even be disagreement, but how we each define character. To me it goes to the core person, those things within that are unchanging—though they may be hidden. I separate bad behavior from a bad person. I don’t want to be with a bad person because that’s who and what they are. But bad behavior is something for which we all hold guilt. I also find that labeling a person as bad in character does not facilitate conditions of healing or improvement for them—it makes the bad seem permanent and so what’s the point. I do much better when other believe in me because their belief helps me to believe in my Self.

My blog is really addressing people who stay with "cake eaters" -- those cheaters who "can't decide," or say one thing and do another, who hold out hope for the betrayed spouse, but don't do the real work, and want to maintain a situation in which they can have both. It's also for people who are living with the mindf*ck that a unremorseful cheater puts on a spouse that the cheating is somehow their fault.

You didn't do any of those things. But those tactics, blame shifting, gas lighting, cake eating... are sadly very common. And IMO, abusive.

This website is for that same audience—for those who choose to Stand for their marriage through their spouse’s midlife crisis. And infidelity is most often a part of that—ongoing through the crisis.
But unlike your blog which you say is not a site for saving marriages, that is what we are about here. Not everyone has the reconciliation goal, but it is what brings people here. They want that and this is a safe place where they will find understanding and support rather than your crazy accusations.
Some of it is about that Grace Period where they need to heal before they are strong enough to make a life-altering decision. And then many choose to continue Standing because they have faith in the core person they married—faith that person will come through this crisis and then (not now) be remorseful and work with them to repair their marriage. It’s a huge leap of faith and it’s a risk. Standing does not involve putting one’s life on hold, but it does involve being married even when your partner is choosing to act against your vows.

Many here are pointing out that you do not seem to be talking about people like our spouses. As TrustingMyHP emphasized her husband is in an MLC, dealing with a BPD alienator, depressed… all of our common reasons or, as some may consider them, excuses for Standing.

But you are talking about men (and women) like our MLCers. You are talking about cake-eaters and let me tell you, we are champion cake bakers around here—and that is not a good thing. But we are also Standers, we want our marriages—not the present sham, but real marriages and that means accepting the process of what it takes to get from here to there. In the beginning I do believe that offering a tidbit of cake—diet cake—can help. It helps teach the LBS how to interact and respond rather than react which Paves the Way. It helps the MLCer to look toward the spouse with interest. But I will admit it takes a lot of balance to give just enough and then give no more than that and stop giving even the diet cake. In addition, I will admit that I was terrible at that. It’s easy to preach, but can’t say I ever did well in practice.

But I do struggle at times with asking myself, "Is this MLC construct simply an easier, softer way for me to process what's happened to me? A way to slowly absorb the ghastly realities of my new life?"   The biggest ghastly reality being that my MLCer is, as another LBS here has said, "a liar, a coward and a cheat?"

If I can obsess over the idea that my H has been "struck" with this disorder then I don't have to really "let in" the stark horror…
If I can believe my husband is in an MLC then I can soften somewhat the pain of his abandonment of our 38 year marriage and his seeming overnight personality change.

Seriously, who can process that? I've had 18 months since Bomb Drop and I still can't bear to unflinchingly look at the situation. I can only handle small bites of the horror at a time. I think that's one of the reasons "MLC takes time" is a favorite maxim here!

So, perhaps, believing in MLC "prettys up" the mess, makes it easier to take, gives us a structure to work with, and, perhaps biggest of all, gives us a ray of hope.

The Dis-ease theory of MLC helps with empathy and understanding the motives and actions of the betrayer, understanding can help with accepting and depersonalizing the ongoing betrayal. And yeah, it pretties it up. Like Standing, the dis-ease theory can set aside some pieces of the pain in order to deal with others—otherwise many LBSs feel overwhelmed with so much coming at them at once. I’m not saying MLC is simply a coping device we apply as a label for ourselves; I’m saying it can also act as that and not everyone here has a spouse in MLC—even though they think it’s MLC. Or in some cases MLC is just an expansion of serious psychological issues (NPD) or character flaws that the person may have masked or the LBS simply denied previously.

MLC takes TIME goes with Recovery takes TIME.

I think you have to start off kind of $hitty to *indulge* in a MLC.

I’m not so certain people choose to indulge in MLC.

No, since when does a person indulge in depression? They may be wallowing, but indulgence makes it sound as though they are enjoying it. Infidelity is often included in lists of depressive symptoms. I call it depressions dirty secret because though it’s included in the list, the authors who created the list fail to discuss it later when they discuss the other symptoms point-by-point. I remember reading several books on depression and seeing infidelity in the list, but reading nothing about it afterwards in the books. It was quite enlightening to read as a symptom, and then a bit frustrating and even infuriating that the authors spoke of the other symptoms in detail and ignored infidelity.

Pragmatically the affair is hardly a foot note for a LBS.

No matter how much knowledge of the crisis we have the affair (or affairs) and what comes with them will ever be a foot note. To us it is the relevant thing. All else is MLCers internal issues and those belong to the MLCer.

I think we tend to downplay the part the affair plays and the devastation that comes with it. Yes, it is just a symptom but I think we would all be more or less fine if all the MLCer was just having to deal with their internal issues without someone else on the picture and the stuff that it brings.

I still think, overall, the affair is played down around here. We're told not to worry, it is just a side effect, the person was convenient, OW/OM meant nothing. True, it is a symptom, the other person was willing but OW/OM meant something, at least during their existence. Even if only a shoulder to cry upon they meant something.

Focusing on why her/him is kind of useless. If not X it would had been Y, because it is not about the affair partner themselves, but the consequences of an affair, any affair, are huge and the ones of a MLC one gigantic.

And that is why I try to downplay the affair. My intention is not to dismiss or deny or ignore the pain and humiliation, but to redirect focus toward Mirror-Work and away from something beyond our control. No matter what, infidelity is pretty much what people focus on when they talk to me about my work. But my research is on infidelity in the context of MLC. MLC is, for my studies and focus, the bigger context. My book is about dealing with MLC and infidelity is a part of that—a major part, but still there are other parts as well.

I have the utmost respect for people who have cheated who own their issues, do the hard, hard work to win back trust, humble themselves, and do therapy and fight for their marriage. IMO these people are a minority.

Many stay mired in entitlement thinking and manipulation (trying to pin fault on the betrayed party through blame shifting and gas lighting) and eat cake (try and have both), which you can attribute to neurotransmitters, but I would say is a choice.

There are different sorts of affairs—as you know. Most MLC affairs are of the emotionally-bonded type—they think they are soul mates. And then there’s the MLC which is a whole cesspool of yuck in itself—even without an affair.

There are those situations (non-MLC) where discovery is the start of recovery. The betrayer is either caught, exposed or admits and stops the affair, agrees to counseling, feels remorseful and actively sets out to repair the damage.

For Standers here dealing with MLC there is a gap between discovery and recovery. Sweetheart self-disclosed the affair before it became sexual—that’s rare. But partnered recovery was 3.5 years in the future. He made some genuine efforts at which he failed before that and some false efforts when he was pretending while continuing the affair. But when he committed to recovery for good, he stuck to it and did the work and continues to do the work.

But Chump Lady, he might not have met your criteria if you only accept those things immediately upon discovery of infidelity—or soon after. He was mired in entitlement and manipulation for a long time and even more mired in it as the receiver with the alienator as dishing it out. She faked a pregnancy first, a few months later she threatened indirect suicide unless he came back to her—she said she had a problem with her brain that she wouldn’t fix. And last week Sweetheart told me that a few months after that she tried wanted him to sign documentation saying he would not leave her because she was having a hysterectomy and I guess that was a sacrifice or something. I knew about the hysterectomy, he was supposed to leave to come home the day before and backed out. I understood his feelings of guilt at the time, but did not know the extent until only last week.

Though I will admit I got very little blame. He blamed a bit in the first weeks after Bomb Drop, but only a little even then and for most of his MLC he did not blame me—though he transferred his projections to others like his brother’s wife—she got mad and told him off and Sweetheart confided in me that he thought she was bipolar because she turned angry so quickly. She and I had a good laugh at that!


I don’t know about minority or majority. Many MLCers may not get the opportunity to be in the majority when they are ready because they don’t have Standing spouses. They may feel remorseful and even seek therapy, but there is no partnered repair. Some may have felt remorseful if the conditions had been different, but their betrayed spouse took the scorned route and may have done as much damage—without themselves committing the sin of adultery. We cannot say what would have happened in a situation that had no opportunity. We can certainly extrapolate from Standing situations and make guesses, but that’s just creating data and people are not data.
I am not in a rebuilt marriage because of odds or luck.

I would like to agree with everyone that all affairs are, by definition, wrong. I don't think anyone would belabor an opposing opinion to that and I don't think anyone here has.

Challenge accepted!

Are all cases of adultery affairs?
Terri Schiavo’s husband technically committed adultery by having a girlfriend—and children with her—while she was still alive in a supposedly brain-dead coma.
The Catholic church may consider what he was doing was wrong, but I don’t.


Going through my old journals from the first two years after Bomb Drop has been pretty freaky for me. I’m only reading the My Story journals which I think are different—and I felt so at the time as well—from my posts to other people where I was offering advice and support.
I remember feeling calm and feeling certain and that comes through in my words—the literal words. But the actions of what was going on with Sweetheart and his MLC were anything but calm. I failed over and over at No Contact and boundaries and had no idea I was failing.

If you want defensiveness…OH MY GOODNESS was I defensive when anyone suggested something about Sweetheart—like he was cake-eating or I was not setting boundaries. I mean fly-off the handle raging banshee in defense of me and of my Sweetheart. You guys are polite here, but I was not. And yet when I read those I can put myself back into myself at that time and still feel those defenses and irritations. I did not focus a lot on the alienator, but I was certainly focused on MLC. If that board were like this one, I would have certainly had my own topic on a the moderator board where they discussed concerns about me! And some moderator would have PM’d me to tell me I was being rude—and I would have probably told them off too. People were worried that I was too focused on MLC—and I continue to defend that now because I knew pretty soon after Bomb Drop that this was a calling for me. I knew I wanted to study it in greater depth. I find it interesting. But I was still a raging banshee at anyone who chose to disagree with me—and there were a few who did it in a manner that was just as rude.

I did not get to reconciliation because I did everything right. The things I think I did well: I believed we would make it—on that I did not waiver. I believe in Sweetheart—the core person. And perhaps most importantly: I had a positive attitude; though I must admit that I am naturally perky and depression is rare for me. I’ve been Liminal, but true Clinical Depression where I can’t pull myself out is probably something I have never experienced—I sometimes joke that I’m unipolar.

I had a Clinging Boomerang and chose to post the soap opera because I wanted to show the drama. My believe in a future reconciliation was absolute and I wanted to show what it was possible to get through to get to reconciliation. Mamma Bear and LettingGo also have Clinging Boomerangs and have done the same thing. I think it is important to show that drama…until it affects us, the LBS negatively or if parts of what we are showing are affecting other LBSs negatively. When focusing on the drama was beneficial to showing others and yet detrimental to me, it stopped being worth it. I finally stopped talking about my situation for a variety of reasons. But I was still far from doing things well.

I dealt with the cake-eating and I put up with it. Who knows, maybe Sweetheart would have come home for good a year earlier had I maintained the boundaries I kept trying to set.

[Shrug] But things happen when they happen for good reason too. I was working and needed the money so much that I could not leave my job. When Sweetheart left the alienator that last time, I’d just lost my job and suddenly had greater freedom to walk away from my house and help care for Gram. It was not only my ability to set boundaries, but the other conditions in my life met up to give me greater ability with those boundaries. When I kicked him out at the start of 2008 I was finally prepared on the boundaries and it was some of the most frustrating times because I couldn’t walk away from my job which meant I had to be in the house and we couldn’t afford a separate place for Sweetheart as a transition between the alienator and home. I was freaking out torn over what to do—I was trying to figure out how we could pay for a year’s apartment rent on credit cards—and for my marriage, I would have done that.

But maybe God just waited until I was ready with boundaries and Sweetheart was ready to work with me to rebuild and then He gave us the right conditions.

[TrustingMyHP]

RCR,

Thank you for writing this.  You've put forth the stander's case with clarity and conciseness.  I feel inspired! And reminded of why I keep coming back here, even at times when I think it would be better for me if I "moved on."

I wish I had the confidence in the outcome of my sitch that you had with yours.  Unlike you, I'm a pessimist.  Frankly, I'm surprised I made the decision to stand and to stick with it as long as I have as I'm a "worst case scenario" sort of gal.

And, not having a clinging boomeranger or boomeranger makes standing more difficult, in my view.  My H's most definitely an "off and on."  As you may remember, my H is very, very bonded and beholden--both financially and emotionally--to the OW.  It will be harder for him than for most to disengage from her if that time ever comes--and I know it's hard for all MLCers to leave the OW.

But, for now, against what seem to be very strong odds, I continue to chose to stand.  I tell myself I will stand until if and when I'm divorced and then make the decision at that time whether or not I wait around to see if my H marries OW.  If he marries her, my stand will definitely be over.

One of the big challenges for the LBS is we're fighting time.  I'm fortunate I live in a state that (until recently) required a two year waiting period before a divorce could be filed.  That's unusual, actually.  In most states I think you can be divorced in one year, in some the waiting period is only 6 months.  Because we know MLC takes usually 3 - 4 years, sometimes longer, the time crunch for the stander's a big handicap.  If divorces could be delayed enough to give the MLC process time to proceed, they're might be fewer divorces and more reconciled marriages.

Well, it is what it is.  I do believe that, whatever happens in my sitch, I'm a better person for having chosen to stand.  "Character building" is an old-fashioned phrase but it applies to what happens to those of us choosing to do what we can to preserve our marriages.  It's a hard, but effective, school.

TMHP

[FindingJoJo]

RCR - thank you.  This insight helps me as I am almost free to leave my house and rather than being in a full blown panic I feel liberated that I can make the changes that are holding me back.  It is nice to read your story and experience as well.