My thoughts on the LBS stages;
Denial- Without a doubt the first phase. It could be as simple as denying that there is something wrong or amiss. Eventually turning to denial that it is actually happening to us, denying our part in everything, and the worse part.....denying our inner self's to come out. Maybe because we don't know how.....but at the point everything is caused by some outside catalyst. Sounds very MLC like to me?
Bargaining-I put this here instead of after anger because I feel the deep seated thought out anger is yet to come. We have felt the quick anger brought on by emotional pain and trauma, but not that thought out and reviewed anger that is to come. So we beg, plead, whatever it takes (during this stage I actually saw the positive side of an open marriage...granted my situation is only slightly different...LOL). We will do whatever it takes to save the marriage, yet haven't realized that the marriage is gone. dead! Fini!
Anger-This stage is third...why you ask? At this point our bargaining, selling of our soul, absolutely nothing has had the expected results. So we feel deep down anger and conviction that we are right...they are wrong....and We will win no matter who loses! This very well might be the hardest stage for anybody going through this. I have been scanning lightly in newcomers and see so many of that boards "mentors" stuck themselves in this stage. Trying to control what is uncontrollable out of anger and not based on sound decision.
Depression-At this point the energy involved with our anger is used up. We are burnt out......and now we are ALONE. Yes...we have been alone in the physical sense for some time, but the bucket is finally empty.
Resentment-Slightly different than anger.....more identified with long periods of being OK....then boom.....anger comes bursting back in very brief, but extremely intense blasts. I think it is almost a triggered response...a missed ball game, long weekend with a sick child, or coming up short on a mortgage payment. A catalyst disturbs the beast sleeping within.
Acceptance-I place this before forgiveness because I feel you have to accept the marriage is done before you can forgive the damage it's death has caused. At this point you know that you are alone. The resentment is gone because you accept that triggers from resentment are just yours alone to deal with. This is also a great time for personal growth. Confidence that you will survive on your own, that you can do thing yourself, and that the sun will still rise tomorrow.
Self-growth-Regaining on confidence continued. New perspective of the things around you. Constant questioning...of yourself and the principles we follow. At this point anything is possible....for ourselves.
Forgiveness-At this point you can forgive yourself for your part in the demise of the marriage. You can also see the pain the process has caused our spouse. The knowledge that neither party has really come out of this unscathed is apparent. You will know at this point that the journey was beneficial for both parties as long as neither got tripped up in their respective journeys. Maybe the marriage is renewed...maybe not.
Renewal-The world is different (I know that I see it differently). We are almost reborn to a life that that has unlimited potential. Things that were once taken for granted are cherished...and things thought essential are no longer that important. We are finally able to cash in on the independent self that we have found within ourselves.
Living again-At this point we move on, piece, whatever hand we have been dealt. Everything behind will be seen with compassion for the pain it caused and the enlightenment about ourselves that we achieved.
Reposted and bumped up for more of a discussion.
Who is stuck in the first three stages?
I'm moving this to the top of each page, because these are some stages that the LBS goes through. Are there more? Perhaps. Are there less? That's possible as well. The point is my dear LBS friends, NOBODY has ever really documented the stages that the LBS goes through. NOBODY has ever really bothered to do so EXCEPT for Heartsblessing and a group of folks from Divorce Buster. When I read Lost for Words interpretation of the STAGES that the average LBS goes through, I thought he was describing me.
I know I struggled with the first 3 stages... moving back and forth amongst the 3 for the first 6 to 8 months. Quite honestly, I think I was STUCK in DENIAL for a couple of years or more, before the bomb dropped. After that, I fluctuated wildly between the first 3.
When we reconnected and eventually reconnected, my greatest struggle was with RESENTMENT. Certainly I went through a terrible rage, quite similar in fact to what Barbiedoll is now experiencing. The first 6 months were the worst... extreme ANGER...then the anxiety attacks began. My friends from Surviving Infidelity explained to me what those things were, because I was certain my heart was going to EXPLODE.
I can only describe those months of anxiety attacks, were to me, my personal battle with the devil! No more needs to be said about that. The edge had never been closer! The darkness beckoned! Terrifying!
Resentment has been the ongoing battle. Even now. My reasons for resentment are triggered by so many things. A wide, wide variety of perceived injustices, unnecessary suffering, lost time, wasted money, daughter's miscarriage, heck I can even at times, blame our oldest sons imminent divorce on this period of time.
The duration has shortened, the frequency of the emotional outburst occur less and less often. Time does heal all things, for sure. I only mention this because as an LBS, you need to know. It seems that even the LBS whose marriages have not been reconciled (at least so far), they also experience resentment. No matter who you are, whether your marriage is salvaged or not, it seems there is an mild residue of resentment left behind.
I know I wanted to just get my man back, repair and rebuild our marriage. We have done so. I think we have done a really good job of it, but there is still some "resentment" and it's ugly head is quite easily triggered. Not nearly as long and definitely much less often, but it still occurs, 8 years later. We are human.
Hugs Stayed
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LBS STAGES