[growing every day]

It's weird when I think of this now.. but he has a brother that I did not meet until we had been married 18 years...

We have the same situation Anne. My family was his. His family was not there.

[Anjae]

I've meet MIL, FIL, SIL both grandmothers (now dead). Saw uncle and uncle's second wife once.

Thinking about it, parental grandmother death looks like the time he started to become different. Don't remember exactly when it was, but a couple to three years before he left. Maternal grandmother died early 2010. He never come back to our home town since. So, did not come to see MIL.

SIL sometimes, like maybe twice a year, goes to city he lives at and sees him.

Well, loolslike they lost a wife and extended family. For what I have no idea.

[Foxberry]

I have had no contact at all with my H since July.....he occasionally emails our Son (28) but only to answer questions about when is he going to pay me etc., he never telephones our Son to ask him how he is and never, ever,asks how I am....that is what hurts our Son the most....

NC enables me to move on...but it is like a death with no body....does that make sense...

Love and hugs
Foxy xxxx

[StandandDeliver]

I have a semi-vanisher. He vanishes from my life and from the kids for weeks on end, then we got through periods of emails and phone calls. It is simultaneously easier to stand with a vanisher (because we don't have to deal with as much crap as boomerangs) and harder to stay standing because it is boring, there is low visibility of MLC behaviours, and, frankly because in the meantime we meet other, often less MLC "crazy" people in the months when we don't hear from the vanisher. Also, they NEVER cycle back. What I see in my H is alot of FEAR (I don't know what he fears, but there are times when if he had a big forehead sign saying, FEAR LIVES HERE, I would think, "that's about right".

Questions I would love to have considered:
Are vanishers EVEN more preoccupied with themselves than other MLCers, or less (ie they stay away because they forget about us, or because they want to let us have a chance to get on with our lives)?

Do vanishers have more complex problems in MORE areas of their lives? Problems I see in H: completely identified with his career, derives his sense of self from money, materialistic gain and career success, MAJOR people pleaser - unable to manage personal relationships with any emotional honesty and "says" what people want to hear, whilst doing something else.

Do vanishers commonly have INTIMACY problems? Do other vanishers TEND to have problems with being matter of fact with discussing sex? Obviously a vanisher NEVER has sex with the LBS, because they have vanished. My H has issues to do with motherhood (our sex life changed from the moment I was pregnant the first time and never recovered and not for lack of me trying). He NEVER wanted to discuss sex in a open and liberal fashion. He was like a cross between a prudish nun and silly school boy. I know for sure (I was a virgin when we met, so not really aware of what other men were like, but I have since had experiences with other men that demonstrated a much more open (and healthy?) approach to sexual intimacy than I remember EVER having with H.

I also notice H making observations and recommendations about raising our son that are actually not about our son, but about HIM. For instance, I received an email telling me what an honest, sensitive, caring and thoughtful boy he is. (FIrstly I live with son, H does not, so I a more than aware of our son's positive attributes, secondly none of these traits has stopped H from FAILING to maintain regular contact with our caring, thoughtful boy). H has also failed to PROPERLY bond with our D so far. He loves her, but I would say that he has not bonded with her in a way that recognises WHO she is as a person.

Anyway, I am now just journalling about the few observations I have made about characteristics of my off n on H (semi-vanisher).

Maybe others can see some similarities?

[mercury]

I don't think they are more preoccupied with themselves, I think they are more afraid. I like to think they really don't forget about us but are in high avoidance mode to try and forget about us. I think they hope that we make the decision easier for them by finding someone new, which is why all types tell the LBs to find someone else.

I also doubt that they have more complex or more problems  then other types, they are unable to face us, for them facing us maybe facing themselves.  I think they are just better at running. I also believe god gave me a vanisher because I would have serious hurt a boomeranger. I believe my H MLCer was trigger because we had reached our join "family" golds,  him moving careers into a field of younger more physically fit men, and genetic. Mine was never good at personal relationships, he pick on just about everyone, including this current girlfriend, he didn't like her or anyone in his group,  he was know as the golden boy of his job before moving.
 
Mine  never had a problem with talking about sex, but not about the intimacy. Our sex life have gotten very good right before he left, I think it scarred him. 

As for our D15, he talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk.

I think vanisher=weakness, fear, denial taken to the extremes.

[Seeking Serenity]

I'm wondering if you ever initiate contact with your vanisher.  Mine only contacts me when he wants something.  We have no children that we share.  The last two emails I sent him were unreplied.  He's been living with OW since BD but still will not admit it to me.  He says its too hard to see me but has been seen around town holding hands with OW.  I feel like he just wants to forget about me & our marriage but doesn't have the guts to tell me.  I feel like I want answers....but I know we are not to pursue, pressure or have R talk. 

How long do I let this go on?  He is living the life he wants with OW and I am in limbo.  Do we let them just competely vanish??

It's only been 10 months for me.....and I know I should already know the answer to this.  Why can't I remember? 

I don't want H to forget about me!

[Foxberry]

Inlimbo123,

I agree with you entirely - it is TOO painful for them to see us or talk to us as that would be admitting what they had done and seeing the pain in us and they are far to self-absorbed and self-centred to want that!!!!  Do they think about us? I'd like to think so, but who knows...I only recently found out that H's OW has been married 4 times!!!! Does H know about it? I very much doubt it, he thinks she's been married twice...I wanted to scream it from the roof tops but again my S the voice of reason said NO!  If he does know he will think we are interfering in his "private life" and he's very paranoid about that....or if he doesn't know and leaves her, where is he going to come? and of course, again like at Easter, all for the wrong reasons...so we have to sit on this bit of information...

No I never contact H....since he left his old job for his new one - I have no contact email or mobile for him anyway.  Our Son does but will not give either to me....I firmly believe, knowing me, that - that is the correct thing for S to do....I wouldn't be able to resist texting him - at least this way H can't blame me for anything else that's going wrong in his life.....

I do take on board though the comment about our MLCers not contacting us and not pushing with the D as they want to think that we're the ones doing the Divorcing etc., again that gives their guilt "a place to hide".....It's all so tragic and so very very sad....

Love and hugs
Foxy xxx

[mercury]

I feel like I want answers....but I know we are not to pursue, pressure or have R talk

While they are in replay or R&R (Ready) then you will not like the answer and they may not be the truth anyways.

Do we let them just competely vanish??

I did, I found it to be much easier to learn to live my life, to detach, to grow.

...and I know I should already know the answer to this.  Why can't I remember? 

I found in the beginning I would be just as forgetful as a MLCer was. It depression and fear that cause it, in time as you grow you will remember.
I too don't want my H to forget me, I just know that contact with mine usually results in more pain and sorrow for me. I also know the man he currently is isn't someone I want in my life. As hard as it is we have to let them go and see. One day I hope that each of our H walk back into our lives.
Standing is not standing still, I understand how you feel like you are in limbo, You'll find a way and a will to live your life.

I do take on board though the comment about our MLCers not contacting us and not pushing with the D as they want to think that we're the ones doing the Divorcing etc., again that gives their guilt "a place to hide"..

So true.

[Seeking Serenity]

Thank you, thank you Merc & Fox!!  I am in a bad place lately.....and I feel like I want to do all the things that I KNOW I shouldn't (contact, R talk, answers)  It all feels like it's just letting him go about his life with NO CONSEQUENSES!! 

I know I don't want to be around H the way he is right now....yet I still want to pursue him....WTH is wrong with me??.....I KNOW better.....why am I even considering it?

I thought I was growing....getting better & stronger....now lately, I almost feel like I did right after BD.  H is always on my mind....I can't concentrate at work.....obssessed with thoughts of H.......my mind feels all jumbled.  I've lost all the ground I thought I gained.

I thought getting answers or some sort of contact from H would help me....I should know better....LET HIM GO....LET HIM GO....LEAVE HIM BE....it goes against all that I feel I want.  Thank goodness for everyone here to remind me.  Others in RL cannot understand....and I'm letting their advice & comments seep into my mind and override what is advised by others here....who have already been there.

Thank you again for your guidance.

[honour]

I'm wondering if you ever initiate contact with your vanisher.

I don't initiate any contact with my vanisher. There has been zero contact since she left. The nearest I have come to any contact is seeing her signature on the divorce documents. In four days time it will one year of NC. And I'm not even sure if the term No Contact is appropriate now in my sitch. No Contact implies there might be contact if she or I didn't make an effort to maintain No Contact. Up until about two months ago I still felt the pangs to initiate some communication but not now. No Contact no longer requires effort. It just is. What she is feeling I have no idea.

It is a new life. You are more than a relationship with your H inlimbo123. Limbo is over when you say it is.

honour