[Buggy31]

I think it might have to do with the fact that they can still see us. If and when they let the ow go they supposedly don't see them anymore there is no more connection no children none of that.

My H made the comment to me "I don't understand what's so bad-we'll see each other all the time". I managed to make it into the house before I burst into tears.

My H said something similiar and I read this a lot in people's stories here....Mine said once during a therapy session "she'll always be in my life, we have children together, we are always going to have a relationship"...I realize now this was his way of assuring himself of where I"d be, a cake-eating sort of comment...They like to know they have the LBS just where they left her....a sense of control....probably why Dark/NC are important parts of this journey.

[In this for ME]

I'm not sure it's control in my case. I think it's security.

He's always had this sense about things..I don't mean intelligence. For example last thursday I was grieving so badly once again I imagined the thread I was hanging onto was frayed to the point of me simply letting go - it would be so easy for me to do right now. I went to bed and actually slept satisfied that I could just move on no problem.

We live in separate homes now. Friday morning he calls to say affaier with ow is over. But guess what? He hasn't been home in two nights.

And now after lying to me guess who will try to contact me before 5 days is up? And guess who's security will be satified? I'm considering NC I haven't done that before.

[hurt01]

Do most or all OW have a history of cheating?

My IC thinks H OW is NPD but from the articles I,ve read over and over seems to me like it,s BPD.

She has been marrid twice had alot of boyfriends. I,ve been told mine is not the first marriage she has broken up and probably want be the last.

OW was trying to brake up someone elses marriage while in a R with my H but didn,t succeed.

I think she is using emotional blackmail because H can,t even see our children unless she is with him. Ow bought H gifts as to lure him in so to speak.

When I first found out where OW lived I drove by her house (back in Jan) she seen me , H called D22 and was cussing her for what I did, D said she had NEVER heard her dad so mad. I figured he was putting on a show for OW.

H lives with OW and she is probably keeping him up. So that gives her ammo if H decides he wants out because now he owes her.

OW blocks then unblocks me on her face book. I know this because we have some mutual friends on fb.H has me our D and my sister blocked completely. It like she tries to play mind games.

The fact that she has been BOLD in going to H parents house and to our marrital home since the affair became public and it seems to me she was trying to just step into my life and take over where I once was. H was even talking about moving her and her kids into our home.

Any insight into the OW in my sitch from anyone that understands the PDs better than I do?

[HeartsBlessing]

"Something" keeps them coming back to the LBS; part of it is the longstanding history they have with the LBS; but yet, I believe it runs deeper within the spiritual level....the LBS is the stanchion, the strength, the lighthouse, the draw for the MLC'er.....and it keeps them coming back to "check" on where they are..to see if they are in the same place they left them.

Although their feelings are buried deeply within, the MLC'er really does STILL have feelings for the LBS; although guilt, shame and a sense of being "broken" within are at the forefront.

Many MLC'ers KNOW deep in their heart that OW/OM was never meant to last, but they are looking for a temporary band aid for the pain, as well as working out some of their issues or "replaying" times of their lives they hadn't finished right to begin with.

And when these types of issues are completed, they process into the awakening from this part of their lives; and they come to several realizations; one of which is they find they don't love the OW/OM at all, they still love the LBS...and that is even after all the fighting they do within to break that connection while within the affair; it remains unbroken, and unresolved within them.

That seems to be why after some years, SOME "wake up" and realize what they have done, trying to come back; but by that time too much water has gone underneath the bridge, and may be the LBS has moved on, having remarried, or moved on to a place where they don't love the MLC'er anymore.

It's weird; in their hearts, they don't see themselves as married to the LBS, but yet they keep coming back, because something deep within them keeps them doing this.

There IS a link between the MLC'er and LBS, as evidenced from the going back and forth between OW/OP and the LBS; OR if there's nothing like that going on, they still pop up at times; even after moving out.

It DOES also evidence wanting to control what happens with the LBS, much like an obsession..but is part of the tunnel and childlike behavior; thinking like a teenager.....always needing an "anchor" to go back to, yet wanting to be on their own.

Analyzing this behavior is fruitless at best; that's why it's so important to let go and let God work on them, all the while, focusing on yourselves.  If you try and make sense out of everything they do, it will drive you crazy.

Some things just won't make ANY sense, no matter how hard you examine them....and, assuming they make it through, it will mostly be forgotten as time, acceptance, forgiveness, healing and rebuilding the marriage puts them in the place they need to be....in the past where they belong.

Only HE knows what's in store for the future; and some things you may never know the answers to, only that it is what it is, and most things are attributed to the tunnel, and the many aspects within the MLC'er is facing.

Anyway, that's MY take on it. 

[Standing Wife]

wow that may sound like my story with a few variations.  OW dragging H all over town to flaunt the new relationship.  Insisting on h Only seeing kids when she can be ther.  Insisting on H family accepting her... my mil is too polite to say anything to her face.  OW was p!ssed off that H family still includes me in everything.  OW pouting to H about our kids not accepting her... well, what the h@ll does she expect? (we have teen boys) THis woman moved a married man into her home after knowing him 2 weeks and prior to that he had lived 22 years with his wife... and according to anyone that knew/knows us we were a happy couple and still very much in love. 

This woman, although married for many years was going thru a divorce when her husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  She collected the ins money (which she has spent on my H) when he passed.  OW's H's family say that they were divorcing because of her infidelity.  Rumors about that this is not the first married man she has bedded.  I could go on and on about some of the "tactics" she has used to manipulate  H... including fabricated phone calls and threats against her and actual calls which she denies made to me.  H is starting to see her lies ... as he knows I have NEVER in 22 years lied to him. 

sick sick sick is what she is

[StillStanding]

I think their withdrawal from their spouse, kids, home, etc. is deeply hidden and denied by the MLCer.  I don't believe they are at a place emotionally where they can admit that to themselves.

Also keep in mind that in the case of an Alienator, your MLCer can get at least some of their emotional needs met by the OP; the OP is supposed to be the answer to why their life is so unhappy, remember?

Where the OP might have been happy and thought they were ready to have the MLCer's undivided attention, the OP becomes the focal point for all of the MLCer's emotional needs -- not just the ones we met but the ones that were met by friends and family members that the MLCer may have cut ties with.

(I've said it a couple of times but the really sucky part of this separation is that I choose not to seek comfort outside of my marriage so long as I am married to my wife, but she does not necessarily have the same reservations...)

[hurt01]

Standing Wife,

I thought H was flaunting OW around town ,but my IC thinks it,s OW doing the flaunting. My IC is the one that brought up MC to me and told me to do some research on it and I found this site.

My H parents has stopped having anything to do with me and now OW goes to their house.They told me they aren,t mad at me and this is not my fault but they think this is best. And they have been my family for 25yrs.

A few Family members that have been at inlaws when OW was there said she just sits there and doesn,t say much. They say she is total opposite of me at least what they see when she is around them.

But OW in my sitch was H first love in high school. And being human I can,t help but think that maybe he really has always loved her. I never stopped loving my first love , but he was not the kind of guy I wanted to spend my life with and raise a family with. And I never loved him the way I loved my H.

And OW has a young D . I don,t think she has her because she is never with them and a friend that lives really close to OWsays she NEVER sees her at OW house. What kind of mother would not have her child at that young age?

Both of our kids are grown. D22 begged her dad to come see her and our granddaughter without OW, H told her NOBODY was coming in between him and OW.

This is was a man that loved his kids more than anything. I remember H used to tell me he didn,t beleive in D none of his family had ever gotten D and he would never get D. Guess he changed his mind.

[Rollercoasterider]

Why is there OW/OM withdrawal drama but not spousal withdrawal

Withdrawal is a term used to refer to addiction--removal from an addictive source, often chemical. It is not so much withdrawal from the alienator, but in-fatuation withdrawal. In-fatuation floods the body with hormones that feel amazing. Removal of the adulterous relationship may send the MLCer plummeting because the alienator is the source of the in-fatuation hormones.

Jim Conway's stage of Withdrawal that follows (or may coincide with) his Stage 4 of Depression is a Withdrawal of the Self. This withdrawal is about the continuation of integrating the new Self born from Liminality (Stage 4 Depression). The MLCer withdraws to figure out the new person they are still becoming. This may also be a time of re-evaluation of the marriage and what they have done in their crisis. During Replay they did not get it; there were no negative consequences regarding the end of the marriage because they no longer wanted the marriage. I combine Conway's Stage 4 Depression and Stage 5 Withdrawal into Liminality and it is in the Liminal place where they begin to wake to the realization of what they have done. This realization scares and shames them and they may respond by withdrawing. If the LBS is not Standing--or they think there is no chance, they may then suffer their withdrawal from the marriage.

They may think there is no chance even if they know the LBS does want to reconcile. They fear a return to old patterns, that she won't be able to forgive, the they won't be able to get through their shame and guilt...they may simply see the difficulty ahead and believe it is impossible or at least improbable...and withdraw into their fears.

[Trustandlove]

They may think there is no chance even if they know the LBS does want to reconcile. They fear a return to old patterns, that she won't be able to forgive, the they won't be able to get through their shame and guilt...they may simply see the difficulty ahead and believe it is impossible or at least improbable...and withdraw into their fears.

So what do you do if this is the case?  How do you get through that? 

[mercury]

Nothing, there is nothing that we can do, that their problem, it is not ours, we move on or we stand based on what we want at that time.