[Silmarion]

Thank you for your advice HB re the bookmarking - so simple, I hadn't thought of it - typical of me!! 

I have no idea why I've been drawn to this thread as I do not think my h is anywhere close to Rock bottom, and at times, I think he might still only be in Denial.   

I often feel the depression swoon over me, together with the overwhelming feelings of shock then hopelessness of my life.  Then it passes, and I 'live' again.  Occasionally H & I have short conversations and I guess it's interesting to hear from his comments, that we might both be dealing with this horror through some form of avoidance.  I wrote a poem ages ago about it:  A Void Dance.  That's what it feels like.   I know I don't want to hit my rock bottom as it scares the hell out of me.  Maybe the same can be said of him.  We are at checkmate.   

Except...

It feels as if the dawn is beginning to break for me.  I'm slowly moving to understand what this loss means to me in my life and really, really learning to let go.   

This is the hardest lesson I've ever chosen to learn.


Sil x

[speed racer]

Hi Everyone,

I've seen a lot of replies where the LBS spouse is told that the MLCr
needs to hit "rock bottom" or "crash and burn" before they come out of the MLC.

What does this mean?
If "you" or "your MLCr" has hit rock bottom or crashed & burned, could you please post
what transpired, what it looked like?  What may have caused the rock bottom, how they behaved?
Could you tell the "rock bottom" was happening?

Oh yeah, did it or is it affecting their jobs/careers?

This is for everyone - currently separated and stbd or divorced.

Thank you,
Speed

[Dji76]

Speed, there are no absolutes in this my friend. Bottom likely looks different for everyone. My bottom was pretty miserable and im not ready to share that part other than I didn't know I had bottomed until I started coming back up.

[Ready2Transform]

Speed, there are no absolutes in this my friend. Bottom likely looks different for everyone. My bottom was pretty miserable and im not ready to share that part other than I didn't know I had bottomed until I started coming back up.

Couldn't have said it better. In fact, what I faced at my MLC 'rock bottom' wasn't nearly as challenging on paper as things I've gone through since and been fine with. It has to do with the person's mental and emotional state, not any outward circumstances, that much I believe. I would have predicted my xH to hit it a million times by now with how ridiculous his life is, but he still has either the energy or the apathy to maintain the crisis. Only time will tell if that changes.

[speed racer]

I'm not looking for absolutes.  I realize everyones is different.  When people use the terms, they must be referring to something.  If it is that open ended, they should never give it a name like rock bottom - or anything for that matter because it don't exist.

Ok, so there is no rock bottom -
Rock bottom is something the LBS creates in their minds to justify a turning point or new decision in the MLCr's life?

I'm still confused on this one...

Thanks,
Speed

[Roma]

'Rock Bottom' is Rock Bottom for THEM, whatever it may mean. That is why it's difficult to reply to. It's a personal journey.

[BBhelp]

To me the definition of Rock Bottom is when You Are So Sick And Tired Of Being Sick And Tired that you do something To change The circumstances.  That goes for both sides.

My rock bottom was when she relapsed and contacted OM again.  It broke the little bit I had left...and now I was done feeling like that and finally started to move on.  Alone but in the same house...my journey was from that point, MINE...it had nothing to do with her anymore.  Hers was when she realized that realized that her fantasy was just that, a fantasy...and that she had destroyed her family with that fantasy.  The realization that everyone know what she had done...that she had been a fool and a fraud...It woke her from the foggy slumber of trying to act like she was 21 and unmarried...but it was only the beginning of her long climb back to being herself.  She had to work through all the issues that got her there in the first place before she could be a good mother, a good friend, and certainly a good wife.

Speed...the sooner you focus on YOU, Your Journey, and set a course to trying to heal and strengthen yourself the sooner you will stop trying to Understand MLC...and Start Surviving & Overcoming MLC.  Rock Bottom certainly evokes changes to both the MLC'r and the LBS...but the only one you can do anything about is yours.

Stay Strong

BB

[Ready2Transform]

Rock bottom is something the LBS creates in their minds to justify a turning point or new decision in the MLCr's life?

Uh, no. Rock bottom is a term that describes the lowest possible level, and is frequently used in mental health and addiction circles. It's been observed in MLC. And just a reminder - though your marriage is collateral damage of MLC, it's still not just about your marriage. I'm sorry you're in the rough stages of this, but there's no need to insult all of us who have been dealt this crushing blow in our lives.

[Keep believing]

I hit rock bottom in my addiction. The feeling is this..   You absolutely feel there is no reason to live. You feel alone ,helples, emotional pain. You hurt. You want someone to take it all away. It came on slowly  inside of me, no one would have known but i knew , i pretended , i was doing nothing different than usual  but my cry for help real help was extremmely dramatic one day.  I crashed. I went to rehab that evening after a long day and started climbing out the next day after my bottom. I realized i had to fix myself and no one could do that for me. I had to want a new life. I did not like who i was and what i had become. The thing i feared most was losing my h . He was being mean and detached and distant. I soon realized h was in replay. The monster came out and i was at a lose. I found his behavior described in all the mlc articles i have read and was a bit releived this was it and not my drinknig that caused him to leave. Sometimes i still question this but my h is classic mlc. From his actions to the phrases to the behavior are spot on with him.  The only thing i think i can say is at the end i got sloppy. I did not care who knew anymore and just let it all go.  If that helps at all.
But i have a question...
When the mlcer knows he does not want to stay with the alienator and is trying to end it ,im just curios if there a an average of how long it takes to end it especially with a blackmailer affair partner. I know she is doing this.
My h has been in replay for 2.5 years to my knowledge but he had a secret life before this. I am pushing the d now because i dont know how long this will llast. When i read rcr articles and she mentions mlcer can get stuck when they  dont have enough strenth to let go of the op , i cant stand any longer. I want to try to work on my marriage but i cant wait forever. What does the mlcer think when we lbers push d. ? I mean i know no one knows but if any one can tell me how they might be feeling .  Like how rcr says sometimes they feel its hopeles. Or to stay with the affair partner only because they feel that they feel stuck and should make this last thing work.  Im currantly in nc and pushing d because i just dont know what else to do. I just cant do this anymore. My h woke up some time in may to july and ran back to escape and avoid. Sorry i carried on. 

[Roma]

Speed,

I know it's hard to  do yet your W needs lots of time and space to work on herself. Seems like you're putting the horse before the cart with your questions.

While your W is taking care of her issues, why  not work on you? RCR and others have written great articles for us LBS and children to do while they are working on themselves.

The children really NEED one stable parent. Why not start to put the focus on you and them and leave your wife to finally heal?

Self Focus is key for us to survive. Have you got back to your music?