[Songanddance]

Quick question.
My birthday is in a few days and H who still lives at home with me but is CB with MOW sent me a text telling me that our son's next appointment for counselling is on my birthday. Now he has never remembered my birth date in the past (it's a family joke). He then suggested that he take me out for lunch that day as part of my presents.
I don't think I want an actual gift from him as it is easy to stick your hand in your pocket out of guilt and buy something. The lunch might be him at least trying to spend a few minutes with me - maybe?
My question is - do I say that under the current circumstances lunch would be lovely but a gift is not really welcome. something like that??
My daughter has also arranged a family get -together and I am thinking that I should tell him and give him the option of coming along but because he wants to not because he ought to.
Wisdom required please?

[trusting]

As far as the birthday lunch, I would accept (if you feel like it) but not say anything about a gift.  You don't sound like that is important to you anyway, so whether he gives you one or not is in his court. 

As far as the family get together, invite him if you want with no expectations if he will come or not and let him decide.  MLCers as a rule don't do things just because they should, they do what they want.  Otherwise, they would never be acting the way they are, right?

[Musica]

I agree with what Trusting said too.   Happy Birthday to you xxx

[panda]

re Low energy wallowers - I think my H is one - BD 2/13 - keeps threatening to move out when he has enough money, OW in picture but still denies her existence/involvement.  Doesn't seem to go out partying anymore like he used to pre BD.  Seems to be at home more than ever despite not wanting to be here.

My question is, does a Low Energy Wallower need to leave in order to progress through this mess? 

[OldPilot]

My question is, does a Low Energy Wallower need to leave in order to progress through this mess?

Maybe, some do and some don't

[trusting]

Panda, I have a low energy wallower.  BD was 4 years and 3 months ago (but who's counting? and he is still at home.  He lives in the basement.  He has never left but of course I realize that still could change as he is still in crisis.  I hope he can make it all the way through without leaving but I don't really know.

[panda]

Trusting - thank you for sharing - is he still 'the same' as when he was at BD - did he have OW? Is he in replay still?

And here was me thinking my H might make it through in a year or so, but over 4 years!!  How do you cope???!!  Did your H threaten to leave?

[trusting]

My husband was going to leave at the time of BD but didn't have anywhere else to go.  He hasn't really said much about it since really, just once in awhile when he reminds me how bad our marriage was (definitely not true, BTW, I was there too).  I suspect there has been/is/whatever an OW (almost 100% sure of at least a long distance EA at the time of BD).  I don't know where exactly he is in the process.  He is starting to show signs of life again though and there are some positive changes in him - not toward me yet really but some with the kids, the house, the dog, etc.  Time will tell.  I know he could leave at any time and will believe that until he expresses otherwise.  I cope by praying a LOT.    I personally have not felt that I should ask him to leave for various reasons (and I know not everyone here would agree with me).  I learned to detach and just focus on me and the kids.  It is difficult, but I know right now he can't and won't be my husband or be an active parent and when I am able to stay in that mindset it helps.  Seeing glimpses of the "old" him now is making it harder to stay detached but I am working on it.   

[justasking]

Panda

Trusting has given you some brilliant advice about detaching etc.

It is my understanding that wallowers do walk through the tunnel unlike high energy MLCer who run full pelt and even run back again numerous times 

Don't worry about the future just live each day as it comes.

Hugs

[OldPilot]

  Seeing glimpses of the "old" him now is making it harder to stay detached but I am working on it. 

What is interesting is that trusting and I are on the same timeline and have known each other for close to 4 years.
Our spouses are both low energy and mine left and hers stayed.
I think that it is possible that I am also hearing similar rumblings about recconection with my children.
Time will tell and although every journey is different it is eerily also very similar.